Back back, and hullo again!

Your humor has grown on me so much, it's kind of terrible how much it has ahahah. This type of beginning is difficult to find anywhere else. Your beginnings (this one in particular) is like a cross between humor, self-deprecation, and hopelessness all in one go. It's a lethal mixture I tell you - and has me grinning way more than I should have. The funny thing is how Col considers himself week - along with everyone else - but yet in reality when he has to actually accomplish something, he is anything but. Is this chapter the opening to another one of these situations?

Ataxia, huh. I wouldn't have been able to cateogorize that as dancing, but in this world that you've created, it seems as if it is. In a "beautiful-healthy" type of way. It's another testament as to how unique your story is and how much worldbuilding it seems like you guys have done ;P

Am I the only one who is amused at how Col is also not used to receiving a reaction from people? He's self-deprecated, yes, he is also rather clueless of how he is compared to other people. Well, like I said I'm getting the feeling that he underestimates himself more often than not. He hasn't exactly grown that much from 10 chapters ago except from those spurs of power - those always made me feel like he was having an out of body experience. hum hum.

Wow. An ultimatum, but it seems as if he is going to sacrifice T1bbles for following his master. I don't know if that's actually going to happen, since whenever I think something is going to happen, you spin it the other way in the next chapter, haha. Anyways, good going as always!

(I think I caught a tiny typo: 'Because I always do what Sire asks me too' [sic]. It's at the end of what was otherwise the perfect opening scene :) )

'Ancient versions [of transport] with batteries that actually require fossil fuel to run' - I love it whenever you mention little things like these. Not to establish anything, I mean, it's pretty clear that we have a good grasp of the setting by chapter 8, but these little things really flesh it all out and make the environment that much more 3-D (or maybe I should say 4-D) for the reader.

"You can't always like the things you love [...] Sometimes you have to hate them a little bit so that they can hate you back." Sometimes I wonder how much of what Vari says is just silliness meant to throw off whoever she's speaking to, and how much she really means. This one, in particular, can be either really silly or really profound. If it's the latter, I also can't help but wonder if it might be foreshadowing something.

Silly squishy Col with his inferiority complex and other such issues. Seeing him squirm in Walker's apartment, thinking that he's tainting it by being in it, is both cute and sad. Very cool idea with the hologram-halls though! What is it, like is the place an already set, defined area, but halls and rooms can be 'hidden' / invisible until the person wills it? Or is it like localized mini-wormholes, artificially created of course? Is it... is it sad that I am nerding out over this? I - I'll move on.

The scene with Molly and Col in the pool - perfection :3 I don't think I have any useful insight to contribute; it was hot, sensual, almost alarmingly intimate, and just so wonderfully-executed. It's my favorite scene of the whole story so far, hands-down. I may have also re-read it a few times, but I'm not even embarrassed to admit that. Even though Vari kind of ruined it in the end... and I am kind of pouting at hoe Molly just left Col, um, I presume unsatisfied like that. Sigh. Well, this goes to show what they say about All Good Things /grumbles about Vari and her TIMING...

Once again that ending leaves me hanging. Onward!

Heyyy so I'm back :D

So I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, and even if I have I still think it always bears repeating: I find your raw, visceral descriptions really refreshing. As in I found myself wincing uncomfortably when Vari put Molly's, um 'white lump of failure' in her mouth, but that's how you know it's effective. The whole opening is, in fact, creating this heady, foggy atmosphere that's as murky (and yet somehow sensual) as the drug itself.

'Not like Col, who is constantly confused or upset or frightened - or Vari, who's just always, like, WHAM!-I'm-Vari.' I feel like this is just a perfect description of Vari, summed up and wrapped in a pretty red bow.

'Probably, [Walker]'s no more one of them than he is one of us.' - Aww. :(

So the part where Molly accuses Vari of just wanting Col because of 'what he comes with'... I'm assuming he's talking about the Plague. Which is interesting to me, because for all of her eccentricity, Vari never struck me as the type to have a death-wish. Well... not a real/conscious one anyway. Though wait, now that I've read further (is it clear I'm reading as I go along? bahaha) she claims she won't be 'affected' by his 'thing', and that she's special. Then, 'chosen one, master race bullshit'. Wonder what that's all about.

Confused Col at the bar is the most adorable thing and I want to hug him forever, and then hug him again. Love the return of the whole 'Tea Boy' theme here, even though it was just a sentence. And that kiss with Molly, albeit all too short, was hot. But WAIT what is this - Col... is a tech geek? Haha I had a very similar reaction to Molly at first, but then half a second later I was grinning. THIS JUST MADE ME LOVE HIM EVEN MORE and now suddenly I'm thinking, uhm, I really really hope he doesn't die of the Plague. Random, I know. But he's such a puppy and so cute and awkward and now he's a TECH GEEK and apparently he knows how to make use of a sleeper hold and I melt a little now. Squee.

So last thoughts: obviously my brain is aching to find out what happens next, and also buzzing with all sorts of speculation (most likely very wrong) about why the sudden raid and what exactly the deal with Col/Sire is. It's clear now that there is much more to Col (to love) than initially meets the eye, and by extension there must be more (despite all we've already been shown) to Molly too. Walker... for now feels like he was just dragged into all this because Vari XD. But I could definitely be wrong, and if I am, I'm sure the surprise will be a pleasant one. :)

So there was a lot of little things in this chapter! My minds kinda all over the place! I really really liked the flashback because I am so curious about Sire! She didn't seem that bad in the flashback and even sounded concerned. She didn't act like how col describes her when he talks about her but then again that flashback was a long time ago and it shows how long Col has been with Sire!

The suicide on the train was intense and it stuck out to me that no one else noticed showing how indifferent those ppl are to other ppls suffering.

Now the ending! I read it twice because it was pretty awesome and so unexpected. Col always talks about getting tea for Sire and now we get to see how messed up his mind really is and how brainwashed Sire has him is quite incredible. I thought the whole scene was extremely well written!

One small thing, this chapter had some spelling/grammar mistAkes that only stuck out because I don't usually see mistAkes in the chapters! Anyway, great job!

So I really enjoyed this chapter, but am absolutely not in a reviewing mood tonight. I’d much rather just have reviewed this outside of the game, but I want to keep it moving, so here we are: D Just want you to know that I do love this chapter :3

Opening: I loved the allusions between sex and headaches – I’ve have never thought of *that*, and thought, for that reason, that it was a very creative way of not only comparing the two sensations, but creating a creative opening. It wasn’t only creative though, but it made me laugh too XDD. I liked how you further fleshed it out by taking that ‘bad sex’ metaphor and expanding on it, making it even funnier by bringing in the ‘clingy ex’ thing; I thought it was wickedly dark humour, and made me, as much as it made me grin, feel sorry for Col. I think it also set the mood for the rest of this chapter, which was wickedly dark, a bit sombre and all over entertaining. I think, what was interesting too, how characteristic that opening was for Col, what with him depreciating himself again, and reminding us of how ‘diseased’ he was. I thought it made the opening charismatic, because having it written with the character’s voice so clearly ringing through the narrative just made it all the more of an hook :D

Ending: I’m not sure what happened, but this was super creepy – alluding to Col killing (?) that guy through tea-making comparisons was fantastically creepy. It really gives you the notion that Col is utterly deluded at that moment, and that he has no idea what’s going on, or what he’s doing. He just lost his mind in the light of the ‘revelations/brainwashing’ Vari’s Dad fed him with. What I really liked about the ending too was the ambiguity; you don’t really know what’s going on, because the tea-making comparisons, descriptions of how Col prepares it really obscure what’s truly happening. You still get hints though, through the dialogue in italics and that makes things all the more confusing, because you only get hints (the man is being strangled? He’s calling out for help?). At any rate, I think it’s a fantastic ending, because it really grabs your attention and makes you think ‘what the hell just happened? I want to know more!’.

Plot: I liked how this chapter was divided into several parts – the flashback scene, the brief scene with Nola, Cole and Tibbles, the visit with the father, and all other things after, and in between. I felt that all those events were well-linked together, fusing into a bigger picture that really makes sense when you muse on how all these little elements brought about Col’s breaking down (ehh, I’m just trying to tell you that nothing is out of place, and that every scene adds to the plot :D). I really liked the tone of the plot, in this chapter: it was a mixture between dark and funny, a bit perverted and cute, and dark. There was the tragic backstory where we find out that Col’s past life wasn’t all that funny, and was focused on survival (and it was plot-relevant because we learnt how he met Sire), there was the very gory train scene with the man disintegrating (plot-relevant because it shows how scary the Soma world is), and there was the scene with Vari’s father which started out funny, but quickly led to be VERY plot-relevant. I kind of like the hint of the white plague disease maybe being cured (I thought about it before), and it seems like there is a way… I wonder if it will come into play later?

Setting: I really liked how you described the train: it was very clearly handled, and also visually appealing. I like that you didn’t gloss over anything, but didn’t focus too much on it either, but just highlighted the most important bits :D I liked how you described ‘Upper Soma; what with all the light, the holograms and the robots. I liked it, because the descriptions were beautiful, and also showed how fascinated Col is by technology :D One of my favourite bits about it was Col marvelling the robots 333.

Character: Man, this chapter made me love Col oh so much; he’s so adorable with his love for programming, because it makes him i) dorky but ii) also shows how out of touch he is and how easily intimidated he is. He cannot interact with people well, so he loses himself in coding, because it’s clear to him (and doesn’t remind him how he’s going to die). I kind of felt bad for him in this chapter, because Vari is not only constantly reminding him of his own mortality by arousing him, but in this chapter: he also had his own existence questioned. I loved how you made his fears and emotions so clear in this scene; he was so breakable here, so fragile – I just wanted to give him a huge hug ):

Ugh, there is more I want to say but this stupid RG template annoys me so, just fkfjkffl here: I loved the interactions between Nola and Col in this chapter, especially him thinking how he could just wished she were a robot, so he could programme her XD. It just shows again how awkward he is, and how patient he is by dealing with her :D Haha, I also like his interactions with Vari, because she makes him uncomfortable, but he’s still clearly drawn to her XD.

Yeah I loved this chapter :D

For the RG EF

I like the flashback – it’s melancholic, yet darkly funny in an understated way. I can hear Col’s voice in it, but it’s different from grown-up Col’s, less lost, tougher even. It seems Col became even more of a little boy lost by growing up. The irony is delicious.

I like the word play sprinkled throughout, eg the arse & head one and the change of consonant one. Other points of hilarity: that Col is more concerned for Tibble’s innocence than Nola’s, and that it was a boy robot that made a pass at Col. They're all so... clever, for want of a better word.

Aha! The great revelation is made. It was a COMPLETE surprise to me! And then you turn right back round and suggest that maybe it was BS after all cause Vari’s dad is the king of spin doctors. Ooh... I can feel my brain getting a good workout!

What’s a ‘three’?

Possible typos (or they could be VERY clever wordplay that I can’t figure out) 0k water – Wazzat?, is ‘swyping’ a word (I know ‘swiping’), bone’s cracking (definitely a misplaced apostrophe there), trace it me (missing BACK TO), it’sexistince (missing space, misplaced apostrophe), not not anymore (extra not), his face it (unnecessary IT), a few more it’s-es that should be ITS-es.

Right now it looks like the best relationship is with Col and T1bbles. They seem to be the only ones with mutual respect and consideration for each other. I'd wondered before if everyone in Quarry had a little 'bot and that was answered with Col's saying that he had found it and repaired it.
Generally speaking, Col's my favorite character so far, though I'm not sure why- maybe because he's the least cynical. I wonder though if that's because he was introduced to us in positive terms by Molly and would he really be that likable on his own?
His reaction to being drugged was a fascinating element to the plot. It's a sick world, indeed, when someone is okay being drugged by another person, as long as he knows the drugger well enough.
For writing it's good that even though everyone is pretty foul-mouthed that their narratives are distinct. The language one uses is usually an easy way to tell characters apart but in this case, it's done more from the mood of the characters. Molly seems kind of...bouncy, compared to poor, plodding Col. Vari's brother came across as very indulgent. I wonder if we're going to hear her voice as well. Somehow, with the way all of the chapters are "Boy," I don't think so. And that's okay. I don't think I like her anymore than T1bbles does.

AHA! Last scene was creeeepy... but good. All the characters are kind of creepy and strange, but I like them. :D

Opening: I loved how your opening built up your character's voice. Lovely use of sarcasm and it really gave Molly a sense of gravity about his situation. Though, as an opening I think it could use a bit of a hook. I think if you started off with "...and that's why I'm going to chop your balls off" I think that would be a much better use of an opening, and then once you have the reader hooked, you can fill in the rest with Molly's individual voice.

Writing: Again, I love how you infuse Molly's voice in this piece, but I feel like you could focus a little more on sensory detail to give the scene a little more focus. For example, when he's talking about "Grunt B" and "Grunt A" perhaps you could describe their physical features to help set the scene. And it would be a wonderful place to add more of Molly's funny lines.
Ex: Grunt A looked a goon from a Saturday morning cartoon, with his wool beanie hugging his skull like an animal. He sneered and spat onto the wooden floor. Shit...I'm gonna have to clean that up once all this crap is over."

Dialog: I absolutely love the gravity you infuse in your dialog. It's tense and quick and you're not afraid you use foul language when necessary. I also love the little use of slang to give the reader clues as to where the story takes place (ie arse,). Very clever and wonderfully done :)

Other: This is just a pet-peeve of mine, but I think you could use your exclamation points a little sparingly. For example when Dead Boy gives Molly the switchblade, you could have built up that scene to really give it more gravity and then the exclamation point wouldn't be needed.

Ex: He passes me a switchblade. Small and scary like the smile of a thug, and lightly, ever so lightly, it smelled of dried blood. Cold and tense, like a lonely night.

Spelling: "Three hundered metres" should be "meters."

I love this chapter! It is so thrilling and sexy and fun. You do such a wonderful job gliding through Molly's consciousness – we learn a lot about his past – but none of it feels expositiony. There's Molly's history with Slippy and Vince and every little detail increases our interest in the action that's taking place.

Also, the sex scene with Walker is quite steamy. ;) You've been building up to it for a while and I think it really pays off well (not to conjure any sticky images or anything). I like how Walker has never done drugs or guys before so the two novel experiences at once are a real 'Kicker' for him.

Okay I'm just going get to the notes:

Really like:
"Pulled an expert sicky and ended up stuck to Vari in bed, drinking cheap rum and watching slasher movies." Molly's voice is always so much fun but he is remarkable in this chapter – arch witty and self-deprecating and hilariously sarcastic… great!

wow. great:
"All fake smiles, because this shift's gonna be shitty, even if Corey isn't doing his usual impression of a homicidal walrus." What an image. A walrus is scary enough. A homicidal one…

I like this description of Slippy:
"So he's friendly today, though his looks aren't; all limp blonde hair, skin like condensation, bruises and cuts and welts."

like this whole scene between Molly and Slippy:
"The question's pointy, like the answer's obvious, but I don't bloody see it, so I just smile all pretty. "Why do you think, Slip?""

Ha ha, very funny, but ouch!:
"Frankly, I'd rather shit bumblebees."

Really like:
"He's well red-faced too, so maybe his poor little heart's about to give out. I've never seen a heart attack before – it's a such richguy way to go."

great tidbit but I'm not sure who's the 'his' in this:
"There's a plate in my skull and screws in my arm from my time at Vince's. My fault, not his." Is Vince or Slippy not at fault?

This so great. It makes me want to go get a carton of gelato and slosh down some rosé (sadly, I'm lactose intolerant):
"He offers me the carton. I take the spoon and lick it. It's good, and I'm smiling, and he's smiling, so I smile more. He offers me the wine next, so I swig some back from the bottle. Tastes like blood and honey; woozy and thick."
Just have to go solely with the rosé I guess. ;)

Love:
"He touches my arm, and I look at his fingers there – nails very short, tips turned grey. Violinist's fingers."

Whoa:
"His eyes are racing, his hands trembling. A line of blood runs from his ear to his chin. Here comes Vari's 'Kicker'."

Wonderful, intense stuff! I hope you update very soon!

vb,

mbw

Scary, Orwellian stuff in this chapter. Walker's reaction to Iggy's disappearance is so interesting. He's so used to things going smoothly in his life. Dealing with the disappearance and erasure (!) of a friend is not something he's prepared to face. If any of the other main characters (Molly, Col, Vari) had found out someone close was missing/deleted I can't imagine they would blink. Disappearance is something they all have knowledge of and in Col's case, experience with.

I am enjoying Walk's transformation. His fascination with Col is affecting him in interesting ways. Between encounters with Col and seeing how Iggy actually lives (or lived I guess I should say), Walk is realizing life in Soma is quite different from what he thought. I guess how he reacts to this 'new' Soma will be the big challenge for him going forward. I wonder how much his father's status will protect him (and Vari) ultimately.

I'm pretty worried about him. It's really interesting how Walk is worried about the others when he is actually the least 'in the know'. His sister and Col and Molly have been manipulating the 'system' and surviving for a long time. I'm super curious where things are headed.

Here are notes:

Like:
"Here, my fingers can dance over my instrument, but I wonder if Col's fingers would break, snap, and crumble?" Cool image. :)

Like the theme of relaxation:
"There's something about relaxing, something you don't realise until you can't relax." Relaxation seems to equal not caring or not being burdened by other people's problems.

Like this too, there's little typo:
"then I could've asked what those two are doing and *I* they're still alive, because for some reason since they've left I've convinced myself they cannot survive on their own…" Think you mean 'if'. ?

Like:
"Also, I only think like this when Serele nags at me to "grab some pasta with the man" as if it's the easiest thing in the world." Nice little character detail for Serele.

I really like this:
"There's about fifty million beeps verifying whether I've got a suspicious item on me or not and I hum along because everyone knows the tune of the verification system. It's practically the unofficial anthem of the city." I can almost hear a symphony of beeps and blips reading it.

Whoa!:
"I'm in the background in one, with Mac nearby, but Iggy is gone…"

"I'm being so paranoid, aren't I? Still, I can't shake this feeling." Walk has every reason to be paranoid. His resistance is very understandable considering what his life has been like until recently.

Lots of scary fun!

vb,

mbw

Welllll then. What a beginning. Really though. I wasn't exactly sure where you were going with that beginning, with the rotting away skeleton and all that gore (not that gory, I just don't have another word for it hahah). It makes for an interesting image, and I'm not sure what that goes to say about Walker's psych. Originally i would have said that he was the most sane of the group, but most aloof. After this, I think he might just be on the same page as the rest of them - that makes for a better mixture does it not? Anyways - that was a good image - not exactly visually, but as always your writing evokes images that I never really think of until I read it ahha.

I've missed reading your constant stream of consciousness. Again, it's present here, and we get to see just how salty Walker is after Col knocked him out. Which is to say, he's just more than a little pissed. Interesting point to say how Col's build is compared to what Walker really thinks he is like. Col is a character to watch, he has a motive unlike the other characters - okay maybe Molly comes a little closer - but he's got something in the background that not even Walker is aware about. But at the same time, Walker's the one who is enraptured here as opposed to Col who is pulling the lost, scared boy around. Funny how Col is considered the weakest, but yet can be the most deadly. If you think about it, it goes with his namesake as well. E. Coli can be potentially extremely deadly... Get it? Yeahh... I'll stop now.

Anyways. I don't even. Molly? Vari? Of course.
Good job as always - It's fun to read from Walker's perspective :D

I think I might've already said this before, but - there's just something so distinctive about Walker's voice. Not in a way that's out of place or anything like that, oh no. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think it may have something to do with how the things he says kind of outs him as someone a bit more upper-crust than, say, Molly or Col. It's the little things like how blase he is about all the service robots, and how he kind-of but not-really sneers at Coccinelle; to be fair, blood on the stereo isn't exactly something that should really be ignored, ever, but his reaction was more 'what a crappy place this is' versus 'wait did someone get murdered here?'

So I kind of rambled there. Anyway I love how he kept getting shocked by random technology-things: pop-up menus in the kitchen, cleaning robots, etc. - made for some great comedy.

Ignatius? Hahahaha. You know when Iggy was first introduced, I was wondering, what kind of a name would he have to get a nickname like Iggy. Guess we found out now. Anyway his love-hate-we're-not-a-thing-I-swear relationship with Walker is amusing to see, but realistic; I feel like we all get one of *those* friends at one point in our lives.

I felt like the usually-brisk pace slowed down at points here, but in return we were treated to some really nice introspection, so I don't mind. What stood out to me the most was when Walker was playing, and thinking about audience members he would 'watch', and how losing track of them would disturb his zen. Likening it to that quarters-and-cups game really made it more visual too.

Annnd all three of them are together now! One can only guess as to what shenanigans will unfold. As always, this was a very enjoyable read, good job!

"As an enterobac I am only slightly superior to the non-paths, and the funguys and fungals..." I got a real kick out of this. Funguys. Fungals. Heehee!

Interesting, this correlation Col makes between drugging and intimacy. That line with Sire controlling his mental state with drugs, which might have just been a throwaway line, gives us a really telling but *brief* glimpse into who she is and what relationship she has with Col.

I liked the details you put in about the social hierarchy, especially with robots above Quarks. It doesn't seem like Col is particularly bitter about it (is he, about anything?) Just... kind of accepting, but also kind of sad. I like how you feed these world-building tidbits to us slowly, giving it to us in controlled doses spread throughout instead of giant info dumps. Granted, some things when we first come upon them won't make sense right away, but when they *do* down the line, it feels a bit more organic.

(8008th amendment. Hehehe. Okay, I'll grow up now.)

Ooh, I have the tiniest of crits: I wish we'd seen Col's immediate reaction, instead of flashing forward like this. Okay, I guess that's not really crit haha, possibly just a personal preference of mine.

Daww at poor Col feeling like a third wheel though. That said, I do feel that Vari calling him 'Dead Body' versus Molly's 'Dead Boy' can be taken to mean that she dehumanizes him more than Molly does. They (Molly and Vari) both have a bit of this Mad Scientist Vibe, but Vari's nickname just seems *that* slightest bit colder, harsher.

Fried grasshoppers, yum. I think I read somewhere that our meat consumption vs production vs a-bunch-of-other-factors isn't sustainable in the long run, and that far down the line (possibly far enough to have medical robots with personalities, *SOB* I MISS T1BBLES OKAY) we'd be most likely getting our protein primarily from insects. So, I liked the inclusion of that detail there.

And oh you. Vari's *brother*? I so did not see that coming.

-Other Bug

So we're back to Molly's POV! Yay. I have yet to decide which of Molly, Col, and Walker is my favorite narrator. Anyway it's great to see that this picks up right where we left off with Col's chapter. Ooh, is this going to be the set pattern now: cyclic narrations between the three of them? That'd be cool, kind of like a waltz!

'...use her as a skeleton clothes horse upon which to hang my least shitty outfits.' This is at once both disturbing and amusing hahaha. Also the description of Virtual, and how you inject it straight into the brain, made me cringe! Ouchies.

Molly and Vari have a... very... *interesting* relationship, to say the very least. Nice touch with Vari's nicknames for them too. Aren't prions those proteins that fold weirdly and cause all sorts of possibly-deadly problems? (Forgive me if I'm wrong; it's been quite a long time since I last Scienced.) If so, it seems amusingly appropriate that Molly got it.

'"You might've noticed that the wall malfunctioned? He was the one that... malfunctioned it."' God I love your dialogue.

(Also, I am firmly convinced that 'for science' is the best excuse for practically everything, every time.)

T1bbles is the most adorable thing ever! And yes, this is with all the needle-stabbing and laser-pointing. I love how protective it got of Col, and how it kind of nuzzled him there at the end. DAWWW! That said, Vari is more than a little crazy, isn't she? My stance at the end of this chapter is that Molly seems the saner one of the two. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if what they have going on is an innate mad scientist thing, or if it's due to all the drugs. Could be both?

Gah sorry if this isn't all that helpful. The part of me that wants to think of crit is outweighed by the part that wants to click on "next chapter" :3