|Reviews for Mason Crane|
| carlalegre chapter 1 . 12/15/2013
This is written really well. I didn't spot any grammatical errors. For starters, I think this was a great first chapter. Off the bat, we're introduced to the characters and you automatically head us in the direction that Mason will be going in. My only concern for this piece is the lack of emotion. Your details are amazing. I saw everything as you described it and you definitely used the words to your advantage. However, it seems that Mason hardly thought about his little sister being murdered. I definitely understand the urgency of e situation, as his own life was exposed to danger. And maybe this is just me. I also have a younger sister, 7, but I would feel so much desperation if she were ripped from my arms. It seems as though you were too busy telling the story than having your readers experience it alongside Mason.
Nonetheless, it's written really well. You are a skilled writer, you have great structure, and your story is very intriguing. Good job :)
| writer 145 chapter 1 . 12/10/2013
There is plenty of tension in the beginning. It's brilliant. Hearing the prayers has that great quality of the unknown and it adds to the tension. Only thing is, I think the info about the prayers might break the tension just a little bit. Maybe it would be better to have the prayers at the very beginning? He could be in shock and repeating them over and over and hoping they'll protect him?
'something swished through the air and some liquid splatter on the floor', you know I reckon that's an important line. You could have some sharp and cinematic imagery there. In my own opinion, something isn't the most strongest word you could use, and some liquid liquid is a bit too vague. In another situation it could be perfect, as their would be doubt or the lack of doubt, but I'm not a big fan of it in this situation.
Hmmm, it may be important to get the scene where she is ripped apart down. It would be quite a traumatic moment, and may need more than a sentence to get that across.
I like the man with the van. Sorry, I always wanted to say that. Anyway, I am a bit of a sucker for father and son dynamics with lots and lots of tension. Only one real complaint, in the edits it may help if you gave the van-man some deeper tone/characterization/whatever. I'm more talking about the future edits:) But he does come across a bit flat, but not emotionless.
Sorry, if I came across a bit harsh, but I reckon you'll be editing it :P
| Dahlia Wolffe chapter 1 . 12/2/2013
This is crazy! Crazy! But I love it.
And yes, NaNoWriMo will have you writing any and everything blindly just to make that word count. LOL. Not only have I done it before, since I write novellas and give myself just a month for each (a process I've actually taken to heart as opposed to just a challenge in November), I've had to smooth over some errors too, thinking it was all done and perfect. WRONG. LOL. You will probably take my review better than others. I feel all insightful after befriending an editor and conquering one of my most muddled books.
I'm getting a feeling that their parents were trying to fight the vampires with prayer, like your version of vampires is more like demons, which is cool. Something's missing. I get the premise; he's all fearful and trying to protect his sister as this all goes down but it feels a little muddled. I could get the mystery and choppiness- the inability to get a full understanding if the story was from the main characters POV- and by that I mean him as the narrator, because he wouldn't know, but since this is in third person you have a little wiggle room to clear things up. Even if you don't want to say they're vampires right away, and want to SHOW what's going on as opposed to telling it, which I understand, you could still give us a little more, and work on the sentence and paragraph transitions a little better. I know they say don't write like your reader is an idiot, but I do; typically what feels like for us is writing for idiots is just clearing things up for the reader.
All of that said, I'm still hooked into your story and would like to read more- in fact I probably will.
I'm really sad his sister died! I know you want to focus more on the tragedy but the horror could be played up a bit as well. In one sentence you forgot the "he", instead it was just "threw himself", right after his poor baby sister got killed. :(
I don't know if you'll get the reference, but the hunter that showed up and saved him makes me think of Bobby Singer from Supernatural- another great character who died. :(
On to chapter two! If you would review Doppelganger in return, I'd love it.
Till Next Time
| Argentum Vir chapter 1 . 12/1/2013
Nox here, from the Roadhouse.
I think the first few sentences could be more powerful. You demonstrate how important the cross feels, but it doesn't make me think of anything supernatural. I think you should give it more personality. Like it chose to feel comfortable, and he just felt the feelings.
Despite the boy's confidence that the cross would protect them, he never once holds it out like a shield. I've seen children hold objects of safety out like that when they're threatened with a spanking. If crosses work like they do in other literature, I would think he might have been able to save his sister.
The last sentence doesn't make sense to me. If I were Mason's age, I would have a very hard time accepting things that happened like that. I think you're missing out on some intense drama and motivation, plus I feel like it's something the author wanted to happen.
| Sombrette chapter 1 . 11/8/2013
Hello, from Roadhouse :)
So this was a really cool start. I liked that we're thrown into that moment as well and I could feel the tension of what was going on. I also thought that you handled this in a really nice way because, we're not actually getting to 'see' what's going on, since the perspective is stuck with the boy in the cupboard so it's mostly just sounds. But since you did a really good job with the description of the sounds, it was enough for me to piece together and visualize the scene.
The description of the Vampires was unique too. I liked the 'bat eared' visual I got from that. It's nice to read a different take on them, when they aren't just mixed in society like normal people, but beastly the way they seem to come across so far here. I'm curious as to why they just barged in and started killing, then ending, with the bearded man, and how the boy connected their smells makes me think the dad was also a hunter of them maybe? So that could be their reason I suppose.
I did wonder though, why that one vampire didn't just rip the boy to shreds as they did with his sister. Like there was literally no hesitation when they took her out from him, but then, they didn't do the same to the boy with that pause. So, I wonder if it's because of the cross he was wearing, perhaps that gave them some pause...
The only thing I really have to critique, and it's not really a critique really but more of a confusion is the narration distance. So, when this began, I though we were seeing this from the boy's narration, but a few times it seemed like it was not his narration, but further. Sorry, this probably sounds confusing. I think what's making me see this distance is sometimes it will say 'the boy' or 'the girl' referring to his sister, and not just sticking with 'he' or 'his sister' which makes me see it as Mason's narration. I think it's the switching that's throwing me a bit.
Aside from that, I like is so far and everything looked okay on the grammar end as well. Nice beginning and good luck with NaNo :)