Reviews for Chronicles of Elementos
Death From Shado chapter 3 . 8/8/2014
The story is getting interesting. I'll give you a few pieces of advice if you'll allow me.

Make sure you reread your work, there were a few errors in there.

One thing that I was told in one of my writing workshops was to always be careful of reiteration. What I mean by that is when you use a word repeatedly in a paragraph. I'll just focus on your first paragraph, you use the word bar five times including the name of the bar. It's not that big of a deal, but these things can become noticeable.

You should explain who Joey is earlier in the chapter. You're presenting Joey right off the bat and when you do something like this we, as readers, need to know who this person is. Here's a link to a site that can help give you tips.


In another one of my workshops my professor informed me that you shouldn't always write the stutters into the dialogue. He advocated that you can do it with the first word, but it can laid out just fine for the reader if you write it like, "B-but I don't want to," Joey stuttered.

I see that you used your, like in this sentence, "Anna looked at your face." Be careful when you write to always keep the story in one coherent voice. Since this story is written in third person you should continue to write the narrative in third person.

You don't always have to have, "he said with a scowl," you can narrow it down to, "he scowled."

When writing your sentences remember you just have to lay out the single idea. What I mean by that is that what you can say in one sentence try to say in one sentence.

I hope this helps, I will read your next chapter tomorrow. I will suggest that you read Stephan Crane's Red Badge Courage. That has to be one of the best books for diction and writing dialogue I have ever read, and I haven't even finished it!
Orange Liger chapter 4 . 7/19/2014
No matter how you look at this it is awesome!
Orange Liger chapter 3 . 11/6/2013
You must make another chapter love this man
Orange Liger chapter 2 . 11/6/2013
Good and your grammar seems to be improving this sorta reminds me of my story check it out
DeathFromShadows chapter 2 . 11/3/2013
Well, I really like your characters that's for certain! That's a great thing to posess already. Your characters are more likable than half the ones I've read in college workshops. But again, I know I said it in my last review, but description. You cannot have a story that runs solely on dialogue. You have to have some breaks and show us what's going on.

When it comes to dialogue, you should say it out loud. How does it sound to you? Say it in your head first, write it out, than say it out loud.

A few grammatical mistakes, but who doesn't? I know I certainly do! LOL
It's hard when you have to read over your own writing, you don't always catch those few simple ones. I try my best but there are always those few that escape me. That's why writers need a second set of eyes and an editor.
DeathFromShadows chapter 1 . 11/3/2013
Definitely a very interesting story that I would love to read more of. I'm being completely honest. This is a very creative, imaginative and thrilling story that you have come up with. First thing, language is simple, it's not trying to be too extravagant which is good. When people try to be too creative they can destroy the story. However, I wouldn't be fair to you if I didn't tell you that you need to work a little bit on it at the same time. Repetition is no always seen as a good thing, at least from a writer's perspective.

There are some problems, and you're definitely on the right path and DO NOT be dismayed by what I'm going to tell you. The one thing all writer's must be willing to take is criticism. Even in college people tend to have a hard time taking it, but you're young. No writer has ever written a masterpiece when they were 15. Not Hemingway, Faulkner, Joyce, Dickens, none of them.

The first thing is, you've created this really spectacular world that has so much depth to it. But you never show it to us. Don't be afraid to throw in some description. What is this world? Who are the Akuma and the Akura? Why are they fighting? What events happened that led up to these things? I'm always over thinking and over analyzing my own stories and this is why. Imagine that you are the reader. What questions would you come up with when you are reading this? For me I want to see this world. You don't have a limit to how much you can write here, you can share as much detail with us as you want. I'm reiterating myself, but show us this world. Show us these swords and why they're so important, show us what's going on in this story. I'm not trying to belittle you, this is something that even professional writers struggle with. You know the story that's in your head and it really is difficult to transfer onto the page, and god knows I still have this problem. But you can see this story, we can't, so you have to show us.

The other thing is that you end it with 14 years later. That's what you transfer from a beginning, not what you end with. I don't know if that was your intention. Don't worry, it's not a major problem, but it does stand out too much.

The best advice I can give you at this point is to keep on reading and keep on writing. I don't know if you've read Lord of the Rings or the Hobbit, but those are the best places to start when writing fantasy. Read and absorb what other writers do. What works best for you? What do you enjoy reading and how can you incorporate that into your own works. You're already way ahead of the curve, but definitely do some more reading and find your sync.

I hope that helps you.