Awesome! As a Colorado native, I can say that the way you described Edgeport as one of those Eagle County mountain towns was pretty spot on. This is a great introductory chapter! The one thing that I might change would be that Luke talks about only going to community college. Becca suggests he could go to Colorado College if he applied himself, but that's a private school in the springs. Luke's best bet would be University of Colorado (the more selective public school) or Colorado State (the less selective public school) both are FAR cheaper than CC. Plus if you're coming from Leadville or the like you would hate CC. Anyway, the fact that I'm putting that much thought into a minor detail shows how believable the rest of it was. Can't wait to read more!

Characters: I had my suspicions about Alice. I figured it was just cruel people taking small gossip to the next level. I think you’ve accomplished in not making Alice the stereotypical slut. I’m getting a sense that she has a crush and has had one on Nick. Is that why she kissed him? Or was it a spur of the moment? Personally I’m liking Portia’s PoV and Nick’s, but I’ll be honest all of the PoV’s add depth to each chapter and over the entire story. Without them I’m not sure it would be the same story. Looking at the chapter titles I’m slightly disappointed that there isn’t much more of Portia’s PoV though.

Enjoyment: While this chapter was just as well written as the previous ones it turns out that the last chapter has been my favorite so far. In fact, it outshines all the other chapters I’ve read by far. It just so happens to be from Portia’s PoV too. I’m hoping as the story progresses she’ll have more of a play in the narration of the chapters.

Scene: I like the scene change to Alice’s house and her having a party. It gives a good feel for her character as well as the other members of the high school scene. I didn’t expect Kevin to be so vicious with her and I’m wondering if he’s holding some sort of grudge because she wouldn’t have sex with him. I really loved Nick coming in and saving the day. Exactly what a sexy lumberjack sheriff is for.

Ending: I think ending it with Alice giving a drunken kiss to Nick was fun. I’m curious to see Nick’s reaction and I also want to know what he thinks about Portia. It’s been a few chapters since the killer has been mentioned and I am wondering about when that female body is going to be found, but I like the way you’re progressing the story.

Characters: I’m giggling. I love Portia already. She’s a fabulous addition to the cast of characters and I’m sensing a potential love interest for Nick? Romance, even though I know it’s not one of your main genres, is always good in small doses! *_- Ah! I’m slapping my desk table because I can’t believe she said that to him. That was wonderful. Portia is a hoot. She’s now my favorite character…well I suppose she’s my favorite female character. I feel like I know these characters and I already have an emotional connection to them. That speaks miles for your writing and character development, according to me.

Pace: Again the pace is perfect. I think the addition of Portia’s story and the scene at the station help set the pace in a more realistic manner too. Just because there’s a murder (even if there wasn’t any evidence of there being one) doesn’t mean everything else stops existing. This scene keeps the story down to earth.

Enjoyment: I’m struggling with writing anything constructive for you because I’m enjoying it so much. I could easily see myself reading through this story in one night. I’m not going to (or most likely not), but it wouldn’t be a problem if I chose to do so. I’ve already had a moment (when Portia said that to Nick about getting to know the town sheriff) where I’ve had to get up and walk away. ‘Cause you know it was either that or squeal loudly in the middle of the night and wake up the people in my house. I’m very much enjoying this story, if you hadn’t guessed.

Relationships: I really, really hope we’ll seem some relationship development between Portia and Nick. I already feel loads of chemistry between the two of them. I’m also hoping for a little progression with Luke and Becca, but I see some potential with Alice. I hadn’t seen it before, but the persona of ‘slut’ she presents may be the misinformed gossip flaws of a small town. Again, I know your main genre isn’t romance, but little hints of possible relationships never hurt anybody. Hint, hint.

I gotta say, though this was a longer chapter I didn’t notice one bit. I loved the dialogue and background information that went with it too. Awesome job!

Characters: It’s really admirable of Nick to continue to search for something he doesn’t think he’ll find. It really shows the type of character he is. At this point I’m actually liking Nick a little better than Luke. Not take away from how you’ve developed Luke or anything, he’s the perfect awkward teenage guy, but Nick, to me, seems to be the stronger character. I really hope Saud isn’t Nick’s best friend that gets killed, by the way. I think Saud’s sense of humor and out spoken qualities are going to be good for the story.

Now, while I like Nick better (he just seems very charismatic), I’m more curious about Luke and his life. Why doesn’t he need any more stress for example, is something I want to know about. Not that anyone needs more stress, but it feels like the way he carries himself that he has more problems than your average teenager. What is that Luke’s talking about? What doesn’t he want Nick to bring up? Is something to do with his step father or his real father? There’s tons of intrigue with Luke’s character. But as the chapter progressed I started to wonder if it wasn’t Luke’s history, or even Nick’s history, but rather the towns’ history. What happened in Edgeport?

Dialogue and Writing: All chapters I’ve read have had believable and realistic dialogue. This chapter is no exception. The conversations flow well just as the writing. I think it’s a strong point that it’s so realistic, but you have a knack for detail where it’s needed and that makes your writing seem very well rounded. Though I’m not one for politics I totally got that oxymoron Reagan Kerry joke.

Pace: The progression is spot on. I think if you had taken the opportunity to describe how everyone’s day went up until the point of them searching it would have been a little much. In choosing not to do that I think you’ve kept the plot on point as well as the pace.

Characters: Phew. Okay, so I assumed Luke was going to be the chief of police in the future or something. It makes me feel better about Becca and hopefully she remains safe. Also I wouldn’t mind some romance developing between them, it’s always best when they start off as best friends first. I like Nick. I like his flirty personality and easy going demeanor.

Lindsey seems like she could be a great main character in this story too, but as I look at the chapter titles it seems she’s not. I see loads of potential for Lindsey so I hope she remains at least a current supporting character. I think the way Nick handled Luke and Becca considering the polices history with high school students was very accurate and believable. His conclusions seemed sound as well. I’m curious as to who Nick’s best friend is though.

The introduction of Saud was slightly surprising. At first I thought he was one of those mean townies that couldn’t get a long with anyone let alone the chief, but toward the middle/end of their conversation it seemed like they were friendly. I mean obviously if they were making lunch plans…I love tempura!

Writing: The easy reading applies to this chapter and it’s really refreshing. While I didn’t notice any mistakes in the first chapter I did see one in this chapter. It’s a simple type of repeating a word, in the following sentence: “Yes, you’ve made a new a record.”

Scene: I really love that you incorporated more stories of people coming to the police station claiming strange things that ended up being either pranks or misunderstandings. It really sets a great feel for the small town you’ve made Edgeport to be.

Ending: With the threat of this killer lingering in the background it was kind of creative to end this particular chapter that way. It’s clear Nick doesn’t believe Luke really saw a murder, so his joking with Saud seems perfectly normal and in character from what I’ve gathered from Nick’s personality and his friendship with Saud. To answer your questions about too many minor characters…I don’t think there was a problem. I think anymore and there may have been, but each introduction of a new character seemed to only add more depth to the story. Even Rocio the secretary made the station seem normal. Saud helped characterize Nick more and Lucy, the daughter of the rich family that seems to run the town, seems like an obstacle the chief of police would have to deal with. Nicely done!

Writing: This first chapter was a very easy read. The fluidity of you words and conversations seem to be written with ease. I don’t feel overwhelmed with too much detail, but I’m not underwhelmed with a lack of it. You describe what needs to be described. I think you’ve chosen the places that you would take the time to explain well and it sets the scene perfectly.

Characters: You’ve stated a solid foundation for your characters, enough to where I can make some educated guesses on their personalities. Considering this was a short-ish chapter (actually it was perfectly reasonable in length), you had a limited amount of words to work with, but you managed magnificently in my opinion. I have a friend like Becca and I see other similarities in these characters in regards to myself. The relatability is there for me as I’m sure it’s there for other people.

Plot: Wow, did I not see that coming. You set up this wonderful, friendly camping scene with the promise of a potentially gorgeous view only for them to find a man gutting a woman by the trees. I need to take some pointers from you on the friendship and killing scenes because wow…that was pretty freakin’ great! That poor woman being gutted. Hopefully she was dead at that point. Re-reading the summary I’m not so sure I’m happy about Luke finding pieces of his best friend seeing as his best friend might be Becca from high school, but I suppose I’ll figure that out as I continue to read.

Ending: I stated my surprise over the ending. I even reread the scene where the guy was pulling out the pink matter…yech! I think you ended I marvelously and it leaves the imagination open at what will happen next, at how this event is going to shape their future lives. Great job! I’m looking forward to reading the next chapter!

Hmm, I really liked the atmosphere you build up here - there was a sense of doom from the beginning, and I felt that the suspense was good. I'm torn as to whether you need more details or description - part of me thinks *yes* since the man appearing out of literally nowhere did seem rushed, while - on the other hand - that's what made the scene work. Hmm, maybe focus on Luke's terror more? Or add just enough detail that it still doesn't break the flow/simplicity of this chapter. I think the latter part of the chapter moved a bit too fast for my tastes.

One thing I'm not sure of is whether the introspection was really necessary. I think that scene could have been stronger; maybe you could have just reflected on a memory, and then had him resolve that he would move on, after all. But, come to think of it, that scene didn't bother me too much.

The only thing I noticed is that the writing really could have been tightened here. Maybe a bit sharper descriptions, and less repetitions, like:

'Despite the sun falling into twilight, the sun's warmth This is a bit of a needless repetition.

There's a similar instance at the beginning where you mention 'spot' three times in the same paragraph.

I just noticed it because the chapter was shorter - BUT it's especially with such short chapters that you need to be careful because every word counts.

Anyhow, I do like the plot, and I'll be reading more :)

To be honest, I was paying more attention to Alek than Luke's Mum, but ...she was fine, I guess? Not particularly noteworthy because she only appeared very briefly, but I'm interested in her background story (what happened /there/, I wonder …).

No, it didn't bother me that you referred to her as 'Mom'. It really didn't. Just let me comment on how much I appreciate your writing style: it's really simple, but your transitions and pace are really good. I think it's because you make sure to pinpoint that time has elapsed, rather than rushing through scenes. A few subtle details on setting and background might flesh your writing out a teensy bit more, but I like this just fine. It's just that for revision, you might want to focus a bit more on body language and the external events too 3.

I honestly just enjoy reading this; it's something that relaxes me, and also makes me feel eager to review. I also really appreciate how your developing this story; I keep wanting to read more.

I really liked the conversation between Alek and Luke. While I can understand Luke's anger and despair, I think Alek had several good points. In order to survive, you just have to learn to ignore what other people say – that's the only way you can beat them.

Also: he's a great character so far :D

The only thing that puzzled me: we never were introduced to Era, have we?

You asked for your later chapters to be reviewed so that is what I'm doing. Since I really don't know much about Alice, at least from the beginning, I'll simply review the content of this chapter.
You've got the length of it pretty much down. If a story is too short, it usually lacks detail. If it's too long, it feels as thought it's a drag to read. This was entertaining to read. I like the concept. I'll be moving on to Chapter 16. I noticed it's titled "Luke", so it's safe to assume you switch POV's, which should make it more interesting.
Your writing is clean, descriptive, and overall, structured well. So kudos to you.

As for the incest. Since I don't know how long this relationship has been going on for, I'll just take it for what I've seen. The entire time they were exchanging dialogue I was wondering if there was something between them, simply by the way he touches her forearm and spoke to her. At the end, when it was most certainly depicted, my mind kind of held back. It's a great twist, I think. This is definitely going to affect her future relationships. I just hope things work out for her and this doesn't continue. It's great writing, but I don't think it's healthy for Alice.

Great job :)

Oh dear. I wanted to hug Luke in this chapter - poor guy. That's quite a horrid bombshell, indeed. And I admit I think you captured the typical small town reaction quite well: of course, people would *talk* and treat it like public information. Of course, they'd tell their kids about it, and further alienate Luke from everyone else. So no, I don't think it was too cruel or immature at all.

Cruelty, I find, can occur in every age group, but it's especially in teenagers that it's most prevalent because they want to fit in so badly. I'm sure that a few of them think it's privately grotesque, but they'd never admit to it, and so poor Luke has to suffer.

I like Jillian. She stated a lot of truths in this chapter, and I liked her for her honesty. She seems like a cool character; I'd like to see more of her, and see how her friendship with Portia shall develop.

I don't think it was immature - more helpless, really? But then, to be fair, I'd have no idea how to react either. So I think it was okay. I liked that she tried to help, at least.

I am! I like the simple writing style, and I enjoy the characterisation. The only thing that was bit off were a few very *small* errors.

I don't know if Katie reacted realistically. I don't remember being that carefree at this age O.o. I think I would have at least considered the consequences, and I don't believe I'd have warped myself into believing that a romance with a much older man was even possible. But, bear in mind: I was a very sheltered, very strictly brought up teen and had little to no life outside of school and friends who definitely weren't into the partying scene *shrugs*.

I still like Alice; I like how she doubted Katie's actions at first, before believing - yet again - that she and Tate might work out. It's kind of realistic, I think? Her succumbing to 'peer pressure'? I hope she'll snap out of it, since she's implied to be smart and mature in her own way.

It's kind of heart-aching that she's so lonely.

Funny moment. My laptop screens a bit wonky, so I misread 'twerp' as 'twerk'.

'Five hours into summer and it was pouring', you know I'm a bit on the fence about that beginning. It could come across as colloquial, but it did take me a second to think of what was pouring.

Hmm, I thought there were three people in the tent for some strange reason. Not sure why tbh.

I like the joke about knowing any robbers who came by. It had a very true and amusing ring to it.

There's a scene at the beginning where he noticed she's tanned and he gets jealous. That's a very good foreshadowing for the freinzone scene. Although, their interaction is a little uncomfortable, but there could be a reason for that. Also, Dude, don't try to let someone down gently by telling them ye should build a house together :P

Now that was some disturbing imagery of the murder. It really had that sudden jarring nature and the simile to the animal gutting was pretty well done. Although, and it is my own stylistic choices coming through, but I do have two suggestions. It might have a more jarring quality if you go instantly to description, rather than mentioning his guts, and you could have a creepy moment where the MC thinks the murderer is gutting an animal.

It's a good beginning. I almost expected the MC's to die though.

i like luke's pov the best i think, because he has a nice perspective on everything - whatever his troubles may be he's more focussed on understading everyone of the other characters which ironically, helps US to understand them better. i feel like luke is the voice over in like a documentary and i enjoy that calmness about his narration - even though he himself is a bit neurotic.

as far as alice and her stereotypical slutness, i dont know if she is the stereotypical slutty character as I am not entirely sure what that is, but i can answer what i think of her. at present time, i sort of resonate with alice's need to escape bridgeport, and i share her confusion with regards the acidity with which she is hated. i dont know if i would go out of my way to be friends with her, because she seems to be coated with a vial of acid, but i would be curious enough to gossip as are most of the kids in this town i suppose.

also woah that ending! nu, 29 and 16, do i hear grave robbing anyone? haha, i did find this chapter significantly slower than the others and it is a little hard to see why it is needed, but i think it might be a necessary vehicle for knowing what is going on with the children in this town so i am not going to knock it just yet. Though other reviewers appear to have a problem with the fact that there is no mystery happening at present time, i am not perturbed because i am aware that you are probably about to bring it back in a big way - like any good mytery novel you're setting the scene and i appreciate it.

but yes, my only criticism is the import of the chapter is a little bit lost? im not sure what could be done to tighten it, though

thanks for writing!

So, I'm finding that Nick is swinging back into a more ambiguous characterization. Up to this point I didn't have any impression that he would even have a thought for teenaged girls, so the fact that he felt it necessary to tell himself he wasn't into them feels like a hint at ephebophilia. This impression is only made stronger by the fact that he waits so long to pull away, even though he's worried that he might be puked on. Regarding your question about Nick, I didn't find him any more or less likeable; just inconsistent.

The writing this chapter feels much more fleshed out than previous chapters. I really like that there's more balance between the narrative and dialogue, since it keeps the chapter from feeling conversation-heavy. My only real complaint this chapter was the falling back on flourished attention to characters' looks. At this point the reader knows that Nick is supposed to be considered attractive; the reiteration on his looks is really more annoying than interesting.

Two points on this. The first is a bit of a plot-hole thing. Given how badly Alice was assaulted, I don't understand why she isn't being taken to the hospital. Between the alcohol and the head trauma, an ambulance should have been called.

The second is referring to the overall plot. So far there has been a lot of development on the drama/romance side, but almost nothing in regards to the mystery/horror plot. Personally, I think the problem is that there's too much attention going into introducing characters, and not enough to the story itself. Limiting breaks from Nick's PoV to scenes where he isn't present would help move the overall plot along and help make the breaks from him more interesting.

I'm not at all surprised by how little Benji seemed to care about Alice's shenanigans, or that she was hurt. In fact, I was actually expecting this dynamic between her and at least one of her parents, since it's one of the most common tropes that accompanies rebellious rich daughters. While it does explain her behavior, I'm a bit disappointed that I was able to guess this dynamic back in Portia's chapter.

I get the feeling that Alice has a better relationship with her mother. Of the family, Maggie seemed to be the only one with genuine concern for Alice, which would account for why she is a decent student. Although the dynamic wasn't a particular surprise, it was a bit unexpected, and I think it adds a bit of believability to Alice's position.

Gerard's relationship with Alice, however, really has me curious. Somehow he manages to seem caring, detached, and suspicious all at once. The suspicious factor really comes out when Nick mentions Alice's thing for older men. I can't help wondering if there's more dirty laundry in the family than is first hinted at, and I'm really curious to know more about Gerard and his relationship with Alice.

Based on this chapter, I would have to say that Alice isn't a very compelling character. The whole, "I'm a virgin but still a partier," trope is really overdone, and in this case not very believable, especially given that it's implied that she's known for this kind of behavior. It feels like there is too much emphasis being put into the anti-slut-shaming message. If anything, she is coming across as much more of a cock-tease. As a reader I couldn't care less if she'd slept with half the school. Unless her sexuality is going to play a role in the plot, less time spent on her as a sexual being and more time spent on her other elements (trouble with the law, school stuff., etc) would make her a more interesting character.

I'm once again on the fence with the pacing. On the positive side of things, the chapter doesn't feel bogged down with unnecessary drama, and the only improvement that I could really suggest is how the writing is handled when Kevin strikes out at Alice (maybe experiment with sentence fragmenting while she's stunned.) On the other hand, nothing pertaining to the horror and mystery aspects of the story has really happened since the end of chapter 1, so the pacing in terms of the story as a whole is feeling rather laggy.

The dialogue this chapter felt much more natural. Actions accompanying the dialogue are feeling a little less robotic, and the language in general sounds much more like a bunch of teenagers.

The scene with Kevin was actually a bit surprising. Lack of interest for Alice made her inner musings didn't really grip me much, but but I think the scene did a good job of illustrating a general idea of what things are like for the younger demographic of the town. There is definitely a bit too much comfort amongst them when it comes to (as Nick put it) battery, and the overall feel of disassociation really gives the impression that the kids are perhaps too comfortable with taking advantage of liberties (in this case, being allowed to party, since I doubt in such a small town most of the parents aren't aware where all there kids are).