Reviews for Edgeport (Nick Tate, Book 1)
Jitterbug Blues chapter 4 . 12/7/2013
I don't think that slower, more drama-filled chapters are *bad* as long as they are not too slow, and as long as they don't detract from the action. I like them too if they add to the characterisation and/or deepen the relationships between the characters. I felt this was the case in this chapter, what the reader finding out more Nick (like him not drinking at all) and Edgeport itself being characterised more. I really enjoyed reading about the gossip and general 'atmosphere' of the town.

I also enjoyed the summer lesson scene. It made me snicker at points, and the general tension between the students is realistic, though I'd run straight for the hills if I had to teach a class like that :P

I like your writing too. It's fluid, and enjoyable – I like how it's free of gramamtical errors too, which just makes the reading experience so much nicer.

Okay then, I'll just answer the questions :)

I like her - she's cute. I liked how you characterised her as wanting to slow down a bit, and maybe escaping her mother's tight control over her life. I also liked how she was so outgoing and teasing towards Nick. I don't know - I don't have much to complain about. She seems like a very friendly character so far.

Nick and Portia is cute. I didn't think it was too quick. I think the whole dinner date was cute. I actually am eager to seeing how their relationship will develop.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 3 . 12/7/2013
I am kind here from The RoadHouse but I reviewed this before - never heard back from you though in the form of a PM, which made me think my reviews had been without substance. I will admit that my second review was very short though :/ And I recalling misspelling the characters' names in the first chapter somewhere. Not sure this is going to be longer/better since I am feeling under the weather.

I like Nick. I am not sure if we're supposed to think he's creepy because he seems fairly normal and laid-back? I like how he is taking an interest in the Luke's life. It is not creepy but just him making conversation. I like that he took them out for dinner. Again, it just makes him very laid-back? I also like how he tells things about himself. I also like the advice he gives Luke re: college.

Luke's awkwardness in chapter rendered him nearly unsympathetic to me. He didn't have to dread Nick's presence that much, I think?

I liked the writing in this chapter. Easy to gauge, easy to get into.

I am on the phone so I will end this review. I will be on the computer soon though, so my reviews will be longer.
cybersheep chapter 1 . 12/7/2013
(senator blitz third of cybersheep)

so, call me a geek/dork/whatever the term is these days, but i do love me a great mystery novel. sherlock holmes is my literary lover (who is trialed by my existence, im sure), so i was really psyched to find out that this was the kind of story i was getting into.

first off, for an openning chapter, you start with a very even voice. i didnt know whether or not i liked the people i was meeting, but i was charmed enough to hear more of what they had to say. i think, especially for a mystery, it is important to establish that life was 'normal' or at least appeared that way, otherwise the mystery is not all that mysterious. for example, it is tragic when an individual dies in a war, but it isnt unexpected because its war. someone dies in suburbia and we have a serieal killer. so i really love how you're setting up this nice dichotomy between reality and the surprise twist at the ending - it really gives an appreciation to the lives of these people that is undoubtedly going to change as the story progresses.

second off, i had a brain fart (they are getting worse in my old age) and for whatever reason thought of seasons as a television show (when she mentions the bit about not inxing the season), rather than that seasons as in the summer season. i figured it out eventually, but the former understanding gave me an interesting insight to the characters, which i would like to share and perhaps see if you validate it?

so, it really started with becca calling luke 'skywalker'. i understand this is just an ironic nickname, but with that seasons word there, i took it to be more than that, like a layered reference to a game they might have played as a child - the skywalker game where he was luke and she was uh...chewbacca (sorry couldnt think of anything that sounded like becca). and by askin him not to jinx the season, shes' asking that he not destroy the last time they might have to 'play' together, which is poignant considering their conversation about school and the paths each must/will take.

the starwars: the tv show thing really works with the deep introspective nature you've given luke as well. it isnt even that he thinks, but the /way/ he thinks: everything has a current or a future symbolism, a way it could change the game and he considers them all in a way that a writer or a tv director might. he's living a show. and the thing that makes this cute is that becca seems to understand and even play along with this as if the game is one she too enjoys.

now it begs the question, what happens to a tv show when the only person watching it leaves?

i also really thought you did well introducing the climax of the story: namely the body being stabbed by the figure. the descriptins were well done and i could resonate with the shock and then fear which suffused both characters. very very well done

i shall be on to chapter two soon! i am intrigued!
VelvetyCheerio chapter 5 . 11/29/2013
Damn. Kevin must be stupid to hurt the mayor's daughter. I mean, I already got the impression that he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box (next to Montana), but what did Alice ever do to him? Didn't his dad ever tell him not to hit a girl?

I'm not exactly sure I can feel all that bad for Alice, though. I mean, she wonders why she gets so much flak, but then she throws ridiculous parties? If she went to chess club and ate cocktail weenies while watching Battlestar Galactica re-runs and she was smoking hot and people were saying those things about her, I could be more understanding. But she has friends who pressure her to "make moves" on dudes, and she drinks, and associates with people who aren't even on her level. What does she really want? lol This is what makes me mad about characters like this. They think their status makes them, but it doesn't. If your family is going to disown you because you don't want to follow the path they picked for you, screw 'em.

Ahem, anyway, yeah. ._. I get very heated about certain things, heh.

I'm not really sure what you mean by "stereotypical slut". If you mean a 2-D character who has no hopes and aspirations or even life in them, then you definitely succeeding in straying from that path. I really don't even think Alice is a "slut" in any terms, anyway. So she's interested in older men? Fuck, so was I at her age! I mean, is that something she should be going after? No, because then it's statutory rape. e.e So yeah, let's hope Katie doesn't snap a pick of Alice and the Chief of Police locked lips.

His boss certainly wouldn't be happy to see that. D:

I don't really know which POV I prefer. I like them all. Alice's definitely turned out to be the most memorable, though. I can't wait to see what you've got planned next. ;D Update soon!
VelvetyCheerio chapter 4 . 11/29/2013
I'm really enjoying how you develop your characters as each chapter progresses. Portia is especially interesting because of how her life seems to be ruled by her mother who isn't even anywhere near her, lol. It definitely says a lot about her, and I wonder if her mother is supportive, overbearing, or the type that likes to tear her children down. I'm gonna go with overbearing since Portia doesn't have that characteristic cripplingly low self-esteem.

The scene with summer school I thought was nice. I think you captured the new to teaching part of Portia's approach well. I did think there were just way too many characters talking in that scene, though. Five students and one new character, it was just too much for my poor brain. I know you can't really cut any characters from that scene, but it's just hard for me to keep up with all the names when the convo is going back and forth like that.

I really enjoyed the restaurant scene because I think it brought a lot of light to some of the dirt on the characters in the story. I'm so disappointed we get on the cusp of knowing what's up with Luke and then it's just ripped away. ;-; I WANT TO KNOW, lool. It's so suspenseful. And then there's Alice, who seems a lot smarter than the town gives her credit for.

I like Portia so far. She's easily the most relatable since she's also pretty in the dark about the going-ons in the town. A lot of things that she'll start to learn, the reader will learn with her. Unless she ends up getting killed, then, well... ._.

Really, I don't mind what you end up doing with the chapters. This chapter was interesting, I liked the previous chapter though I didn't have as much to comment on. I can understand needing to create relationship depth between two characters who will eventually cross paths more intimately later on in the story. As long as the chapter can keep my attention, I'm fine with it.

Heh, I'm actually surprised with Portia and Nick that Nick wasn't acting like a bigger flirt. I'm also surprised that if Nick is so good looking, why he hasn't been able to find any women. You'd think he'd have a high school sweetheart. Unless he was a late bloomer. But yeah, I thought it was realistic. They didn't immediately hop in the sack with each other, and we really only know Portia's thoughts on the matter. Nick seems like he's being his usual friendly self. He even went for a hug and not a kiss, which I thought was hilarious. xD She was puckered up and ready for it, lol.

I'm excited to see what you have planned for Alice's POV, so I'm off to read that!
VelvetyCheerio chapter 3 . 11/29/2013
Ooh, I liked this chapter. I think you kept both Nick and Luke very in-character and I liked how their interaction flowed naturally. But, ah, that's not what interests me the most about this chapter.

What's all this about baggage and elephants in the room? o.o Now I'm interested in both of their pasts. Hmmm. Curiouser and curiouser.

I didn't really get any creeper vibes from Nick. I liked how Luke had that in the back of his mind, though. Haha, I'm pretty much the same way. If someone is being too nice, I automatically start thinking they want something from me. Anyway, yeah, Nick seems like a nice guy. I just want to know what's going on with his past, and Luke's.

I'm definitely getting that small town, everyone knows everyone's secrets feeling from this story now.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 2 . 11/29/2013
Well this is certainly going to be interesting with four different POVs! :o It'll certainly make the story-telling more diverse.

I like how distinct Luke and Nick's personalities are. Nick seems very in his element with the police work and I like that he can be serious with serious matters. I don't know if I like him any more or less than Luke. I haven't had a chance to really get a feel of him, I admit. It was nice getting a peek at his day-to-day routine, but I don't really feel like it opened him up to me completely. There were some really good moments, like where he's thinking of all the teenagers in the river, or, my personal favorite, the line about the Bardici family and the spirit of Cujo, lol.

There was a lot of dialogue, which I don't think ever really hurts, but at times I felt like the nature of the conversation was in conflict with the personality of the speaker. Like with Saud, for example. He's described as a man who never smiles with teeth except when he's trying to snag clients. I felt, for one, that line of description was misplaced. It felt like it came out of nowhere. I also felt like his lack of "genuine" smiling had little effect on the conversation he was having with Nick. The talk about lunch seemed so playful and carefree. Nick even considers Saud his friend. Saud plays footsies on the table. It's like, my image of this guy is a smiling, joking type of guy who maybe can look dark and mean when he doesn't have a smile on his face.

I actually thought of the two, Nick was the more serious one, but that's probably just cause it was from his POV. I dunno. The one instance where I thought Saud was looking pretty serious was when he was trying to pull Nick away from the mayor's daughter.

The scene where Nick does pull Alice over was very confusing to me. Nick notes that she hasn't had her license long enough to drive kids around, but there's no prior mention of kids in Alice's car when he pulls her over. Then, a boy is mentioned being in the passenger seat with her. How old is this boy? If Alice is seventeen and Nick thinks she's not had her license long enough to drive with "kids" then this boy must be younger than Alice, right? Or is he the same age, because Nick then mentions how "that poor sap is gonna suffer". So, I'm just really confused about that whole situation, lol.

I was really enjoying the way you kept this story so modern with all the recent 2013 happenings like the marijuana legalization. The movie title name drops were also nice and I think knowing that this is happening in our time period makes the story so much more relatable. Plus, you as a writer don't have to worry about world-building, haha. It's easy to immerse yourself in a world you already live in. xD

[...the office still boring as ever.] *was still

[ bein touch with his heritage.] *be in

[...think that because born after 1980...] *because he was

I thought the POV stayed consistent with Nick, and eh, there were quite a few minor characters and a lot of name dropping. I had this problem also. I would just suggest trying to limit how many characters/names you introduce per chapter. This way it doesn't feel like an overload, and it has the added benefit of being able to develop character relationships. See, I think if you wanted you could have limited this chapter to Saud, and Luke and Becca. Or, Saud and Alice, better yet. Every one else could have been introduced later, but that's just a suggestion. I know it took me a while to figure out how many characters/names I wanted to drop in my first chapter. I still think there's too many, but it's not as bad as it first was, lol.

Nice second chapter, on to the next!
Van Quatra chapter 3 . 11/26/2013
ignore my last review, must of missed the part, whoops
Van Quatra chapter 5 . 11/26/2013
this is a really good story, showing all of them, is an interesting choice, but i am confused on the order that each part is from, what happened to looking in the woods, when did it happen before or after we see luke again
HybridStories31 chapter 3 . 11/26/2013
Writing - First off the scene in the woods should have more substance. Maybe start this chapter where Nick and Luke enter the woods and start looking for the body. The way it's set up now, it kind of feels like you skipped the whole body finding (or not finding) scene which should have been the main focus of this chapter. Each chapter doesn't have to be a new point of view if you're worried about chapter length, I've read other authors who write in differing character views and sometimes they have several chapters in a row in one character view and then switch.
Relationship - The relationship between Luke and Nick seems too friendly. Like they've been friends for years or something. If that's the case maybe make it more clear. If not then work on the dialogue between them.
Dialogue - Some of the dialogue in this chapter seemed unrealistic. Especially Luke's dialogue with his sisters. Mostly it just seemed incomplete, like there should be more it than there is. Little children like to ramble a lot and when they want something they generally won't stop talking until you cave. Another problem I noticed was the coincidences. Luke would be thinking something and then Nick would comment on it. Is Nick a mind-reader? If not you might want to change that.
Ending - You ended this chapter well. Ending with a laugh is my favorite way to have a chapter end (other than with suspense.) But you did end with Luke smiling into his glass, but you never showed where he got the glass. You mentioned that he told a couple drinks from it, but never said that the waiter came over to the table and took their drink order or anything. Come to think of it you never even seated them. The last comment on the restaurant you had was them walking in to it and then suddenly Luke was drinking out a glass.
HybridStories31 chapter 2 . 11/26/2013
Dialogue - The conversation Nick had with his secretary seemed a bit forced and awkward. The wording and tone just didn't read right to me. Then Nick's convo with Saud was confusing. For one thing I didn't even know Saud was a friend until half-way through their conversation. For another when Saud changed subjects there was no transition; one second he was commenting on something, the next he was asking Nick out to lunch. You should break up the two sentences with something to signify a subject change. When Nick was talking to Alice there was really no indication that she was trying to seduce him, so maybe try and make that more clear as well.
Grammar - There was more trouble with commas in this chapter and missing words, as well. In the sentence after Saud's first dialogue a space needs to seperate 'be' and 'in'.
Opening - The opening could use more description. Who is Nick? Where did he come from? Has he always lived in Edgington? Since you are changing point of views you need to kind of introduce this new character.
Ending - The ending here could use work. It kind of seems unfinished. What's happening after Saud's dialogue? Do they go off to lunch? It needs a sentence or two to wrap up the chapter and prepare readers for the next chapter.
HybridStories31 chapter 1 . 11/26/2013
Grammar - The first thing I noticed is that the first sentence would sound much better if you added an 'already' after the word 'was'. In the fourth paragraph you should change the first 'would' to 'should'. Also add the word 'to' after 'than' in the fourth to last paragraph and remove the comma after the word 'year' in Becca's second dialogue. There only needs to be a comma before 'and' if it's a list, such as "I had a sandwich, pretzels, and a soda for lunch today" and that list has three or more items, "I ate a sandwich and pretzels for lunch today." Or if you are combining two full sentences, "I saw a dog running through the park, and my friend saw the cat it was chasing."
Writing - I feel that the chapter could use a better description of Becca's and Luke's relationship. Why doesn't Luke feel that way about Becca? Why does Luke think Becca likes him in anyway other than a friend? (I ask that because I have guy friends that I hold hands with and stuff all the time, but we are just friends.)
Enjoyment- I enjoyed this chapter very much. I don't normally like non-supernatural stories, but this was well written and I felt like I was in the forest with Luke and Becca, which is what separates okay stories from great ones in my opinion.
Ending - You ended the chapter very well. But I think a better cliffhanger would be if you ended this chapter when Luke and Becca saw the murderer gutting the woman. Where it stands now I want to continue, but if you ended where they find the murderer it would basically force people to keep reading.
Joe Takezo chapter 1 . 11/26/2013
Great first. I really like the relationship with Luke and Becca. The friendzoned part wad devasting to me. There is a ole slasher / killer vibe going on and I like it. I can't wait for the next one. I'll continue reading the rest of the chapters.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 2 . 11/25/2013
I just realised I had called 'Luke' Lucas. I am sorry :(

Hmm I like Nick a bit more. He is more self-confident, snarky and his POVs are more fun to read. He clearly knows what he is doing, job wise, and shows a healthy amount of doubt re: what Luke witnessed. I liked his recollections because they show how well he knows Davenport (and he is beautifully sarcastic).

I liked the minor characters, especially Said. He seems like such a funny guy and great friend. I loved the center between him and Nick :)
Jitterbug Blues chapter 1 . 11/25/2013
Hmm, I am not sure how I can beat that first detailed comment, but I will review nevertheless :D I am also on the phone XD

I like your writing. It is very simple and straightforward, which I can always appreciate. I do love crazy metaphors, but for a mystery novel being coherent is probably the best way to go. You set up a lovely intro chapter: I especially liked how you described Davenport. It is so seemingly peaceful that you know something bad is bound to happen XD

I like the relationship between Lucas and his best friend. She is clearly very ambitious and has probably made *her* feelings clear to him. And he being more shy...just isn't sure how to reject her. I think you got the awkwardness of the situation well is painful to see how this situation is alienating them from each other (apart from the different ambitions).

I liked how the atmosphere changed when the gore happened. I like how the chapter ended on a such a note of makes things more thrilling.

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