|Reviews for Edgeport (Nick Tate, Book 1)|
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 1 . 11/19/2013
Well hello! :3
First of all, what a creepy way to start off this story. o.o Homeless mountain man eating the organs of a woman he probably dragged out into the trees and gutted. *shudders* Already I'm trying to make connections between the summary and what I've just read and it's kind of freaking me out, haha. I'm also kind of wondering if Luke knew who the man was. He did say if he was getting robbed he'd probably even know who his robber was. It'd be interesting if some outsider had made a camp in the woods and was just out there killing and eating people. o:
I really enjoyed the way you showcased the relationship between Luke and Becca. I thought the role reversal of Becca trying to pursue a more romantic connection while Luke attempted to stave her off was refreshing. Plus, he's really awkward and makes things worse for himself, lol. When he mentioned the cabin and how it would be so romantic, I just had to do a facepalm. xD He's basically leading her on.
The conversation between them was really light-hearted and I liked how it flowed naturally between them. Their personalities came through clear especially when they started talking about the future and where they'd like to go. Becca is obviously bold and wants to strike out somewhere new and exciting. Luke on the other hand is more reserved and finds comfort in familiarity. (I guess you could say that's one reason he doesn't like Becca romantically because he's already comfortable with the thought of remaining her friend.)
My favorite scene in this chapter was when Luke first sees the cannibal. I really really adored the imagery of his organs "disconnecting". I love horror and writing that can inspire goosebumps and I definitely felt my stomach detach upon reading that sentence. Ooh, it was good.
Now some things I'd like to go over:
[...his best friend, Becca's jeers...] Two things about this. One, after this paragraph, you use "friend" a lot. I think if you just used friend here and used Becca's name every where else it wouldn't feel so overused. Once we know she's his best friend we don't need to be reminded again. The second thing is that the excerpt is kind of disjointed. I think it would flow better if you just used "best friend's jeers". Or, "...his best friend Becca as she jeered at him." Or something along those lines. *shrug*
[...the rain shouldn't be so unusual.] I don't know why, but the "shouldn't"s in this paragraph really bothered me. Or maybe it's the "be". It feels like it slips into present for some reason, or it reads like a thought. But then in the very next sentence "got" is used instead of "gets" so it just throws the tenses off.
[He crinkled his brow.] I get the imagery but the word "crinkled" feels odd. It makes me think of that plastic used to make those cat toys. Or cellophane. Crinkled has a sound, wrinkled has a look and texture.
["If that's what making summer matter...] "what'll make" or "what's going to make"
[how tan she managed to...] *she had
[...cruel drop of her into the friend zone.] Not really sure what you were going for here.
[...Luke's watch check read...] Not sure here, either.
[Normally, this kind of gutting...] Way too many "normal"s used in this sentence. I think you could get away with cutting out the first and the third one. You could even replace the third with "usually".
[...the buffalo farmers, and Mr. Jenkins...] Replace comma with semi-colon. Because when you said two and I saw four possible homes, I was seriously confused, lol.
[...the burst through the alley...] *they
That last sentence: you used "their shoes" but end with Luke so that's confusing. You could add Becca on there, or change their to his, or just change Luke to they.
Overall I think this is a great start, just needs a little revision. I'm curious to see where you'll take the story with the next chapter. :D