Reviews for Edgeport (Nick Tate, Book 1)
cybersheep chapter 12 . 3/11/2014
Omggg, I’ve been so bad and dead on FP recently, sorry sorry sorry! Hopefully I’ll have time to review more this weekend (but I swear everyone I’ve ever met was born in March, SO MANY BIRTHDAYS!).

Mm, I love how you always have questions at the ends of these. Means I can almost kid myself that my reviews will have some sort of structure :p.

I liked this chapter – while it wasn’t particularly *mystery*, it was fun to get a look at Portia and Nick together because man these guys are CUTE. I love how they just seem to click – their dialogue is so lively and snappy together, and I love the way their relationship is progressing. Portia’s mum on the phone was cute too. Also SHERLOCK. Portia is the next best thing since Sherlock. Stamp of approval!

I like how you brought up the part about Nick’s first murder case. Totally date conversation :p. Is it related to Luke’s family (having happened 17 years ago, and given his mysterious family past)? Or am I jumping to conclusions (or have you already told us all about this and I’m just being a forgetful little ditz?).

Mm, I like the breather. I mean, I like action too, but I love that you focus on natural character progression – like action doesn’t mean very much if we don’t care about who it’s revolving around, right? And I’m looking forward to seeing how all these relationships develop once the shit hits the fan :).

Also I wish Nick would run past my place without his shirt on. Just sayin :p
Jitterbug Blues chapter 30 . 3/3/2014
Haha I thought I was going to have to wait till tomorrow to review, but I'm actually a bit free today. Just a bit, and that's why I had to speed-read. I'll keep this review, rather short, but I shall list a few things I really liked:

*Nick’s disorder is kind of scary. It sounded a bit silly at first, but when he’s starving himself to death and no longer enjoying any kind of food at all, it stops being fun (misplaced comma somewhere, but I’m too tired to check). I think you’ve done a great job dipping into his rather unhealthy state of mind.

*The Nick/Portia scenes were cute – from the office sex to their dinner conversation, it was cute and served as a nice moment of lightness against this backdrop of murder and mayhem. I enjoyed it :3 They're just so much fun around each other, and I love how they have this playful banter around each other (lol Benedict Cumberbatch being this sex idol who needs to be adored by everyone XD.)

*I will admit that the official reveal scene struck me as a bit rushed - the build-up was a bit sudden, and I didn't quite *feel it*. But I'm really tired, so don't worry too much about it (I just felt the A-HA moment was a bit sudden, though later moments in the chapter revealed why Nick had arrived at such and such a conclusion; I liked that he linked Gerard with Alice immediately).

*There's suspense in this chapter, and I wonder what will happen next. With Nick passing out, that's deffo not good news D:
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 11 . 2/27/2014
I know I said I'd go back to reading BTG after the previous chapter of this story, but I really wanted to know what happens to Luke. x.x I hope that's okay, haha.

Just a couple really quick nit-picks:

There are two instances pretty close together where a shiver runs up Tate's spine as he's looking around the "attack" site. So just switching one of those with a different sensation I think will help make the action of that scene not seem slightly repetitive. The only other minor thing, and this could totally just be me, but I thought it was a little weird how quickly Tate settled on "schizophrenic" when he thought Luke was hallucinating. I guess it caught me by surprise because schizophrenia is a pretty serious mental condition, and a hallucination, no matter how major or minor - and especially after happening only once (that they know of) - doesn't right away scream "schizophrenic" to me. It definitely suggests some type of mental instability, but I feel like hallucinations are way too common for someone who doesn't have a medical degree to immediately settle on schizophrenia. Dr. Kerry I can understand because he's a doctor, but when it comes to officer Tate I found it a little hard to digest as his plausible way of thinking or concluding from the limited evidence/information he has about the situation that Luke would have a mental ailment as serious as schizophrenia. I think leaving it more vague from his POV, maybe just leave it at "Luke was hallucinating" and not have Tate jump to conclusions, might seem more believable. Being an officer, I know he needs to keep his mind open to various possibilities, but I don't think he should settle on something that major with little to no evidence.

Anyways, I hope my reasoning makes sense. I know it's not a really big deal and it's not something that would impact my overall opinion of the story, but whenever I give suggestions I always want to make sure I make my case clearly so the author understands why I feel a certain way - whether or not they end up agreeing with me. Either way, like I said, it's not a big. Just thought I'd bring it to your attention. :)

I'll answer your AN questions and then mention anything i don't cover while doing that:

[How did the description feel?] There is one line in particular I really enjoyed...oh, it was about the blood on the rock not being a very nice pillow, haha. I thought that had a pretty sarcastic tone to it, and I enjoyed the image: it was very vivid. With the rest of the chapter I think you do a great job finding a nice balance. I like how you slowed down a bit and developed the path a lot more as Tate was walking. The mention of how the "ego maniac inside of him had punch after punch" was really cool, too. So yeah, I don't think you go overboard at all. Just as my attention was starting to wander, Tate reached the attack site and I was immediately into the story again. I also think you capitalize a lot on the sense of touch or sound more than sight in this chapter, which makes sense since it's night time. So those senses fit in really well with darkness - made me feel as vulnerable as Tate.

[Does Luke's survival seem like too much?] I mean, honestly, it doesn't bother me. I sort of hold it up to the whole "fiction" thing. I mean, his survival is doubtful, but I wouldn't consider it impossible, you know? I've seen videos of people tumbling down mountains in the snow and not even having a broken bone when they hit the bottom - so having that in mind, it doesn't bother me. I think the helmet would totally make sense since he was riding a mountain board, so if you wanted to include that just in case, I imagine that wouldn't be difficult. I can also see the helmet coming loose as he tumbled, so you could still have the big gash on his head if you wanted to. So, I guess my answer would be, if you want to include the helmet and it's not a big deal, then go for it. If not, I'm fine with how it is now. All the blood and the broken ankle seem okay - I just chalk it up to Luke being really lucky when he fell and knowing how to let his body go limp so that he didn't hurt himself more than he needed to.

Now I'm really curious as to who that murderer was. Or was he even real? I mean, I don't want to be like "oh he's schizophrenic" because I've seen my fair share of things that weren't real and I'm not schizophrenic, but still...he has that whole incest thing going on. So I guess it's possible he was just seeing things? From Luke's POV it seemed so real, though. But I guess that's the point: hallucinations aren't always surreal or crazy. Maybe Luke's fear somehow manifested itself and that's what happened. Maybe he just scared himself into thinking the man was really there.

Either way, now that the murderer is roaming freely around the woods...that doesn't bode very well for the town. I wonder how long it'll be before another person ends up dead. Which is another thing that's really strange - who was the first person the murderer killed? Since there aren't any missing people, I guess the murderer could have brought the body up from another town maybe...? But why?

SO MANY QUESTIONS, lol. I need to know what's going on! x.x Haha, can't wait to read more. :)
Whirlymerle chapter 21 . 2/22/2014
Chapter 16
I’m curious about the state of the Bardici’s involvement in the mafia. Are still or aren’t they? Either way, I was really surprised that Alek talks so openly about it.

Oh yeah, emoticon psychology. Hahaha.

Saud? Wow. The story picks up for sure. I think the set up was necessary. I’ve enjoyed getting to know these characters. This was great. The descriptions of Saud’s parts were grisly and well done. And I actually have even more respect for Tate that he stayed so calm. I wonder where Alice is.

I think, although they’re a tad hard to keep track of (though let’s be honest, it’s because I’ve been reading so sporadically), I really like that you have such a large cast of characters. It’s like a giant game of Clue with a lot of suspects and motives, and I can’t wait to see how you play with all these moving parts.

Chapter 17
[He’d used that arm to tackle Saud to ground] Not sure if I get this. He used Saud’s own arm to tackle him to the ground?

We all react to pain differently, so I’m totally on board wth whatever Nate’s reaction is. My favorite part was definitely Nick taking off his clothes. I think that was a great scene. This guy’s not even 30, and while I didn’t read the scene was his inability to break away from his past self so much as his regression to his past self under the strain, I thought his actions made sense.

Chapter 18
You know, for how much Alice has thought about Luke in the chapters with her pov, I’m surprised that she straight up forgot about the party Luke invited him to. I feel like, it might be more realistic if she remembered but something urgent/out of the ordinary with Gerry came up.

[boo] Er, seeing as she’s at work, shouldn’t she be a tad more professional?

I wanted to snicker and shiver at the same time at “bonding stuff”

Chapter 18
I think it’s pretty natural to see the characters blow off steam the way they did in this chapter.

I thought it was kind of funny that Jillian gave Portia a bird tattoo and gave Nick a Shakespeare quote tattoo. She’s really gutsy to do that. I expected the scene where Nick got mad at her for writing Portia’s name on his back to be a lot more awkward than it was. Especially when Portia was around. But I suppose that’s just a reflection of how laidback Portia is.

Chapter 19
Whoa, I totally did not consider the possibility that Luke’s whole situation might be the result of his hallucinations of his father. Intuitively, I feel it’s unlikely. But if that’s the case, I could see it too.

Okay, can’t leave this cliffy for long. Reading on.

Chapter 20
I like the opening with Nick fishing and having some alone time to himself. I wasn’t a big fan of the transition when Lindsay just burst through the forest. Unless I missed something, how did she even know where to find him? And why doesn’t she just call him over the phone and get him to the station?

Other than that, I liked it. I liked the shoe scene— Evidence, yay!

Again, let me know if there’s anything specific you want me to address.
Whirlymerle chapter 15 . 2/22/2014
I was looking through your reviews to see where I left off, and I gotta say, I’m sorry for that weird first two lines in my last review. I was taking notes on the same doc as I was writing my reviews, erm yeah. Terribly sorry. Anyway!

I think I’m just gonna do what I did two chapters ago by reading/reviewing a bunch of chapters at the same time. PM me if there’s anything specific I didn’t touch on that you want an opinion of. :)

Chapter 13
I really like how you get inside Alice’s head. The repetition of mocha light to make herself not think about Nick and Portia kissing was really well done, I think. Because it only showed how much Alice is bothered by it, even though she can be all rational about their age difference and different interests and whatnot.

[Sixty-eight average] Could just be how grades are calculated where I’m from, but isn’t 68% a D plus?

I like Uncle Gerry a lot. I think the banter between him and Alice is very light and playful and natural, which I really liked. I wonder if their brief discussion on Psycho will be significant/reflective of some component of the story in some way, (but alas, my teachers did not believe kids couldn’t handle Frankenstein, so while I don’t know anything about Psycho.

I found the ending interesting. I wander if guilt and pity are hinting at some major thing in Alice’s life, or if it’s the kind of harmless guilt and pity when you’re playing favorites. Reading on.

Chapter 14
I definitely like how you show that whatever Zef did, he’s at the core still a grandfather type guy. I definitely want to know how/where Zef was a mobster in. Don’t know much about small towns, but you what they say about how deceptively harmless suburbs are, so in that sense, I’m totally willing to believe in whatever interesting history the Bardici family has. I think it’s sweet in a sad way that they set up this system with Luke—paying them to be Zef’s grandson.

Chapter 15
Wait wait whut? O.o

I was so tempted to go back and delete that line about me liking Uncle Gerry a lot, lol. So in their entire conversation, I thought Uncle Gerry was unusually close to Alice. Like, when he said “you know we have something special,” I thought, well, that’s kind of creepy. Honestly, I thought it was going to turn out that Gerry was secretly Alice’s father or something. I like this situation a lot. It explained why Alice defended Luke’s being a product of incest so naturally and bluntly. I think the fact that they do have typical adult-teen advice conversations makes it all the more interesting. Like, it’s so normal, and then it’s not.

I haven’t an inkling where you’re gonna go with this, but it definitely doesn’t seem gratuitous. Great chapter!
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 10 . 2/20/2014
One quick nit-pick: I found it a little weird to describe the path of the ax as the "line of fire" since I imagine that's used for guns or something that shoots something else. So maybe just say he moved out of the path of the swing.

I'll go ahead and answer your A/N questions first and then comment on anything I might not cover:

[Was there enough atmosphere developed for this scene to work?] Oh yeah, definitely. That's one of the things I was thinking while reading, was how well you developed the scene and all the nature stuff. I particularly like the image of the slush falling off Luke's house on the first sign of spring, and how you related it to the sudden fear that hit him when he saw the dude with the ax. Also, while he's falling you have some really cool imagery, especially about what he's feeling as he's tumbling. The way you say how the ground, trees, and sky all melt together give some really cool mental images, and it was really easy to picture (though also terrifying, because I'm afraid of heights and the thought of falling down a hill so high is really scary, haha). Also, the smell. I like how you address the smell of the woods near the beginning. Everything starts off so peaceful, but then spirals down into chaos and a fight for survival. Poor Luke.

[Did you think it could use some more description, or build up, to really work?] I don't think you really need anymore build up or anything. If you wanted to, you could probably go a little more specific about what Luke feels as he's falling. Like a pine cone digs into his spine. Actually, wait...I have no idea if Colorado has pine cones LOL. I know we have them everywhere here. x.x But yeah, you get what I mean. You mention a lot of rocks, so perhaps talk about how his leg hits one on the way down. Maybe sand gets in his eyes/mouth. Crashing through some bushes. Brambles cutting into his skin. Just a couple really solid, specific images would be perfect, I think. Kind of like how he thinks about how the path is used for winter sports - I thought that was a cool little fact, too.

[What do you think about the plot?] I'm pretty intrigued so far. I mean, honestly, I find Luke to be more interesting than the serial killer, but I think that's because we haven't seen much of the serial killer yet, other than this chapter. I'm sure he'll become more intriguing, but I'm sure you've also noticed by now that I'm totally more into character and character motivation than I am plot. And I think the most interesting facets of the plot are going to stem from Luke's character once he gets more involved with things. Right now I have a pretty crazy assumption that his real father is the serial killer, because the guy's described as having blond hair, and if I remember correctly, Luke also has blond hair. (Or is that Tate? I know one of them does.) I also think that might be why the killer is killing people - if it's Luke's father, he'd have enough motivation just from how the people may have treated him after Luke was born. But that doesn't answer why he'd try to kill Luke, because you'd think, no matter how insane he might be, he'd at least hesitate when it's his own child under the ax. But then again, maybe he doesn't recognize him - or maybe he sees Luke as an abomination and wants to kill him. Either way, I'm really interesting in seeing who the killer is and what motives they have for their killings.

[Has it dragged? Or are you still interested?] I don't think it's dragged. I think so far you're just making sure to introduce the cast before things start to move really quickly plot-wise. There's nothing wrong with that. Plus your chapters are relatively short and there haven't been any scenes (that I can think of) that feel like fluff. I think everything seems to be building to something, and it doesn't feel dragging.

Let me know if you have any other questions! You know where to find me. ;)
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 2/20/2014
You have an interesting start here, and the hook works really well. However, I feel like you could add in some more description; at the moment, it’s a little dialogue heavy and it’s hard to get a strong sense on what the characters are feeling. Try expanding on their emotions, their expressions, the area around them. Really immerse the reader in the story. The second line, with the speech, is a little confusing, see if there’s a way you can word it to make a bit more sense. Maybe a speech tag, as at first, it sounds like it’s Luke speaking or telling himself “Nice timing.” (it felt like every organ in his body…) That line sounds a bit odd. Again, it doesn’t make a lot of sense and it’s hard to tell exactly what you’re trying to convey. There are some really strong ways to convey fear, and again, I feel like you could really expand on that before you explain what he’s seen to make him so scared, as that line doesn’t make him sound scared and it’s a good chance to have a strong build up before revealing the murderer. Good luck, and hope this helps.
GossamerSilverglow chapter 26 . 2/20/2014
I got to say, I’m looking forward to seeing some more Alice and Luke interaction, so I appreciated the little ‘patting’ exchange between them, and that Nick noticed it too. The banter between Portia and Nick has gotten better. I’m not sure if it’s due to the relationship progression or something else, but with this trip I really see that they’re actually a couple. Where as before it kind of felt like it just happened, you know? Hmm, I get why Portia did it, but if he’s had previous trouble with alcohol before it’s not a good idea to encourage him to have a little sip.

It was fun seeing a grown man embarrassed by his childhood bedroom with his girlfriend present. Portia’s got a lot of balls to go up to Nicks mother after she found all the evidence of their lovemaking. I would’ve been mortified! Aw, when his brother died he sent Nick Portia. That’s so cute. I do like his parents. I think they couldn’t help what happened to him or his brother and they dealt with both situations by distancing themselves. Sometimes people have to do that. I’m like that. So I understand it. Good chapter!
GossamerSilverglow chapter 25 . 2/20/2014
Whoa, okay, that scared me for a second. I really thought he’d found some incriminating evidence pointing to Portia. That was a good one. And was she joking or does she really know? If she was joking it seems kind of a cruel joke. Even if he was getting a little kinky with while her mother was there, it still seems wrong. While it was interesting information about the e. coli, it seemed pretty random. I honestly thought that piece of ‘chicken’ was gonna actually be human meat, like they’re some hidden cannibals in the town. I wonder if this information is going to be a plot device for the future. …that was his way of letting her know he couldn’t be backed into corners and that springing her mom on him was like that? It wasn’t Portia’s fault her mother came, I suppose she could’ve texted him, but her mother seems a overbearing, or rather suffocating as Portia describes. Oh well. Her dad seems interesting. It’ll be good to have him introduced as a character.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 29 . 2/18/2014
Oh dear D:

I will admit I was suspecting Uncle Gerry/Gerald all along: he was very suspicious from the start, and I never liked him, mostly because he was sleeping with his own niece. That and he's a manipulative bastard. But I think this reveal might be a bit too 'easy'? I'm wondering if *someone* else was the killer, and that Uncle Gerry is only indirectly involved (maybe someone framed him?). Whatever it is, I'm eager to find out!

So I'm really glad you made Alice such a central character. I really love her. She's got a good head on her shoulders and a great sense of right and wrong. I like how she was never planning on withholding evidence, even if this reveal must have broken her heart. I like how you built up to this reveal, only hinting at her suspecting Uncle Gerry in the first scene (revealing her nervousness through dialogue), and showcasing her obsession to investigate his closet in the second (she was distracted, looking at shoes all the time etc). I think the writing was nice too, revealing her inner life well (though a minor crit point be, from other readers, that you tell too much?).

No, really, I liked this chapter. I think you built up well to this, and you're making me want to read more. Update soon!
Jitterbug Blues chapter 28 . 2/18/2014
I'm sorry for being so late with the reviews - I really, really need to focus on schoolwork, and I don't want to drop you half-baked reviews. I actually read this nearly a week ago, but didn't know what to say in a productive wy. It's just one of those lighter, more transitional chapters that are nice to read, but that I don't feel like giving in-depth reviews for. But I liked it :D

Mostly because I think it was, generally, a sweet, somewhat awkward chapter? Awkward in the sense that Luke and Alice's relationship is very innocent and sweet (rushed? I don't think so; they are teenagers after all XD). I caught a bit of awkwardness in their kiss too, but it was sweet and kind of innocent – which makes their romance enjoyable to me. I just hope it doesn't get ruined by Uncle Gerry or so (I mean Alice's father knows now...).

What I enjoyed the most about this chapter were the conversations between Alice and Luke, re: Psycho. So often when writers focus on school assignments they either gloss over details or come up with totally inane results. What I liked here was that Luke's reasoning was well-supported, and that I found the results they drew from the casting of Anthony Perkins were interesting (even if I don't consider Anthony Perkins to be handsome, but more of a shy, rather homely boy next door type, but still your points were fun to read about). I'm sorry for being so late with the reviews - I really, really need to focus on schoolwork, and I don't want to drop you half-baked reviews. I actually read this nearly a week ago, but didn't know what to say in a productive way. It's just one of those lighter, more transitional chapters that are nice to read, but that I don't feel like giving in-depth reviews for. But I liked it :D

Mostly because I think it was, generally, a sweet, somewhat awkward chapter? Awkward in the sense that Luke and Alice's relationship is very innocent and sweet (rushed? I don't think so; they are teenagers after all XD). I caught a bit of awkwardness in their kiss too, but it was sweet and kind of innocent – which makes their romance enjoyable to me. I just hope it doesn't get ruined by Uncle Gerry or so (I mean Alice's father knows now...).

What I enjoyed the most about this chapter were the conversations between Alice and Luke, re: Psycho. So often when writers focus on school assignments they either gloss over details or come up with totally inane results. What I liked here was that Luke's reasoning was well-supported, and that I found the results they drew from the casting of Anthony Perkins were interesting (even if I don't consider Anthony Perkins to be handsome, but more of a shy, rather homely boy next door type, but still your points were fun to read about).

The interruption was funny XD, though what worries me is that Alice's Dad knows about Alice and Luke now!
carlalegre chapter 5 . 2/17/2014
To answer your questions:

I really like Alice. I like that she questions why people treat her the way they do and even tries to justify it (even though she can't come to a solid solution). I think she's very honest with herself and she seems to be dedicated in getting her ticket out of Edgeport.
I think you accomplished removing Alice from the stereotype of a slut. You gave her a voice that was realistic, as well as a real personality with real dreams. Even if those dreams are just to study out of Edgeport, it's still a dream nonetheless.

In previous chapters I was convinced that Alice was that one girl in town that got around with everybody. At least, that's how your other narrative's painted her. I had grown to dislike her, even more so in the classroom scene, but this chapter turned things around for me a bit. I think it was a great introduction into who she is and what her intentions are in life.

Out of all of the POV's, I'd say Portia's is the least captivating for me. I really like Luke and Alice's so far. I just wish there was at least one person that wasn't pulled in by Nick charms and good looks.

Overall, great job. It was interesting to see Alice around her peers and interacting with friends. I think that by showing how she reacts to certain things and how she speaks to others, helped show off a lot of who she is.
The Tactician chapter 5 . 2/16/2014
Sorry it took so long to return your review. I've been busy with school work and real life. On to the review!

I can honestly say that I didn't expect Alice to be a narrator. So far you have introduced her in every way to be a bit of a partyer and slut but I really did not expect her to be a narrator. The previous character's perception of Alice has led me to harbor a dislike for her, so until I find out more about her motivations, personality, and who she is, I am going to follow suit and continue to dislike Alice. Haha, who knows though? She could just as easily turn into my favorite character.

So far, you have shown Alice to be a cliched rich party girl... until now. You could very easily turn this around and show more into who Alice really is as a person, and I feel like you have started the process with this chapter. The feeling of her being a slut kind of resumed about halfway through the chapter. The ending where she reached out and grabbed chief tate came off as incredibly impulsive and out of desperation rather than a calculated move I would attribute to a Femme Fatale.

Of the three narrators (I could've sworn that it's four: Luke, Alice, Nick, and Portia) I would have to say that Luke is my favorite, simply because he seems much more relatable and he was the character that we were introduced with. I am also interested on where his relationship with Becca will go (I'm already a fan of the child hood friends love! wink wink). Also is the fact that Nick is just too... perfect. He's not very relatable at all. Srsly, the guy doesn't have a chink in his armor. Alice is as explained a slut, and portia is just a new girl in town.

Again some major complaints I have so far are that there still is no sign of the murder! Isn't that the whole point of the story! It's been five chapters and still no suspense! Granted there was a little bit of action in the short fight scene in this chapter, but I don't feel like there was enough emotion. Also, I have a hard time imagining that none of the other kids would help Alice as she got her face smashed into the ground by a guy. I don't know about you but if I ever saw a girl get physically abused, even a girl I detested, I would still rush in to beat the fuck out of the other guy.

Then there's this one thing I found in the chapter that didn't really make much sense:
[dark skinned young man frown that frown at the boys]
deadaccount2019 chapter 16 . 2/14/2014
Luke's worry over what might happen if he got with Alice, Era or Becca was really sympathetic moment. Even as an adult there are times when we get caught choosing between people, and I think the whole 'potential bf/gf' is probably one of the heaviest decisions as a teen because of clique mentality. Adults can be pretty bad for lashing out over this sort of thing too, but kids aren't usually as mentally or emotionally prepared for what comes with backlash, so it makes Luke's fear very understandable and even kind of sad.

One little thing, why isn't anyone saying anything about Alek and Luke shopping for booze? Generally a liquor store will kick young adults with teens out because of the risk of the young adult buying alcohol for the teenager, so the lack of *anyone* noticing or saying anything really stuck out.

In regards to the setup, there is *way* too much. If this had been a book, I would have put it down long before Luke even reached his second encounter with the maniac. I'm glad that it's starting to get into the big plot that's supposed to reel in the reader, but after so much setup the murder mystery element has lost a lot of its excitement and I was left feeling kind of meh on it.

For the discovery scene, I really liked how soon you got back to this. Honestly, if it hadn't been for the Alice chapter previously, the discovery so soon after the foreshadowing would have made for a great shit-hits-the-fan effect. Obviously, the whole pig slop dump site isn't the most original venue, but you really made it your own by building it around the party. Normally this kind of setting comes with an isolated, doom-and-gloom sort of surrounding, and using such a lively event really helped build contrast, so although the actual discovery didn't really do anything for me, I absolutely loved the setting.

I didn't really connect with Nick here. Part of the problem is that the story focuses so much on teenage drama that the reader only sees Saud three times (I think), and very little relationship building is made between him and Nick, even though they're supposed to be best friends. The whole thing ended up feeling forced as a result.
deadaccount2019 chapter 15 . 2/14/2014
Overall pacing felt a bit weird. The first half of the chapter felt very slow compared to chapter 14, but once it got on to Alice deciding to go see Gerard the pace seemed to really take off. It was a bit conversation-heavy, but I think you did a really good job balancing the dialogue, narrative and introspect this chapter.

So the warning flags were there for a reason. Alice's relationship with Gerard definitely explains her fascination with older men and why she doesn't get along with most kids. It also explains her interest in Luke (a rather strange, uncomfortable bonding point). It does make me curious about Gerard's relation to the family itself, though. He's so different, which makes me wonder if the relationship is defacto or adoption or something, but the fact that he jumped in head-first when she was born also makes me wonder if there's some sort of first-born sale/blackmail thing going on, which would explain her father's preference against her.
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