[Characters:] The Bardici’s are rich aren’t they? Rich people and people who are geniuses think differently than your average person. You have rich people in one group, geniuses in another, and the third group is everyday people (this includes poor and middle class people). So I really actually like the link you made between them and how Luke doesn’t understand why Alek wouldn’t be as traumatized by finding a human body part in the trough. It makes perfect sense to me.

[Relationships:] I think the brotherly interactions between Nick and Luke is wonderful. And while I like that they can talk casually to each other, would Nick really update Luke on the suspect list? Wouldn’t that be confidential? Imagine if he did, and Nick thought he’d put two and two together on one of those suspects. What if he took actions into his own hands? I’m not saying he would, but that’s my reasoning for asking.

Would Nick really tell him? This may be my issue, but I feel like Nick is being too open with everyone. I understand the Mayor and his brother, that’s fine. I would even understand the Mayors wife, but it was her he told to fuck off. Lindsay is also understandable because she works with him, Alice would be gray area that could be accepted. Everyone else, even Portia as much as he likes her, seems like he shouldn’t be saying certain things to them. Just some suggestions to think about once you go back through the editing process.

[Pace:] The pace is suitable. It’s fast enough to keep readers interested, but slow enough that it doesn’t confuse me with what’s going on. Was the incest between Luke’s parents a consenting situation by both parties? I ask, because for me, the flash back disrupted the pace, but in a good way. It made me think back on what I’d read previously in the first couple of chapters about Luke’s past.

[Enjoyment:] Whoa. Blindsided. The axe murder Luke described was his father? Unbelievable…what the hell happened to him? Why is he trying to kill his own son? I really liked that twist since I didn’t expect it. Great job!

[Opening:] I really enjoy the Portia chapters. Making her feel concern about him over Saud’s death, but still appreciating the fact that he came to her at the end of the day seemed like a realistic thought process.

[Dialogue:] I loved it when Nick commented about sending it off to the Sheriff. I can tell he just doesn’t want to deal with it, but is obligated because for one, it’s his job, but also because the person happened to be his friend.

[Characters:] Honey? I didn’t realize they were to that point yet. That’s probably just me. Terms of endearment in relationship progressions take a back seat in the beginning, for me. Anyhow, I forgot about Alice working with Nick and am now wondering if that’s why he was so willing to be open with her.

[Ending:] Ending’s gonna like cover the rest of the story…It was pretty appropriate for Portia to want to live dangerously and get a tattoo. As an educationally advanced, mature woman she would have that response where as the teenagers may not appreciate the fact that they’re alive. I don’t know how much time has past, either I missed it, or it’s unclear, but it might be too soon for Nick to go out. His best friend just died. I suppose the world doesn’t stop turning just because someone died. I disagree with Portia, and a lot of people that say it. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, at least not mental wounds. It just dulls the pain. It was pretty cute though when he asked Portia to be his Nyquil. Funny too, made me snort.

[Characters:] I think I read a head of time and never reviewed because this sure seems familiar. Anyhow! Gut wrenching when Alice really didn’t know what had happened. The knowledge of knowing what they were doing is just disturbing. Luke sticking up for Nick seemed a little out of character, but was welcome all the same. He’s not wrong either, there is more than one way to show how something messed up has really bothered someone.

[Relationships:] I understand the whole consoling situation between Alice and Nick, considering he saved her from that guy before, but I don’t know, it seemed a little uncomfortable to me. This could just be me, but it doesn’t seem like he’d confide in a teenager. He always kept it professional and I’m not sure the death of his friend would change that. I guess I figured he’d be more closed off.

[Descriptions:] I like the information you gave about Nick’s mom framing their uniforms. And the fact that he wasn’t in uniform because of what happened and due to another tragic event that had happened in his life. He really hasn’t had the best one. It was a good place for some extra info.

[Enjoyment:] I like it when I’m second guessing myself on who the killer is. I’ve been doing that since the beginning. I don’t really have a clue yet, which is rare for me. I’m usually pretty good and figuring out who it is. Unless, I missed something and I should know who the killer is at this point…? Great job!

[Opening:] So, kind of long time no read…anyhow , because of the mini time gap in reading the opening of this was well received. It quickly made me remember what was going on with Nick and the gruesome death of Saud. It’s such a shame, especially since it seems that Nick isn’t going to be able to find anything soon.

[Dialogue:] I don’t know if I’ve ever commented on your dialogue, but it’s always seemed fairly natural and comfortable. I was going to comment on Portia being a little insensitive with what she said to him, but it looks like she didn’t know until he told her, so again, very natural dialogue.

[Characters:] Doesn’t Lindsay know that Saud was his best friend? Does Lindsay even know it was Saud? I’m asking because she seemed really surprised that he was so upset and sick over the situation. It makes perfect sense how upset Nick is about losing Saud and having to find him the way he did. It’s not something anyone should have to deal with, let alone a best friend. I really get sick to my stomach when I think about Alice. When her mother came into the station asking where her daughter was I felt a little nauseated.

[Ending:] So finally, he’s starting to really believe Luke is telling the truth, that he isn’t just schizophrenic. I think it’s also fitting that, from what the reader knows of Saud, it ends on that note of Nick thinking he was laughing at all of them. Saud seemed like the type of guy to do something like that. Good chapter!

That certainly escalated quickly from an outing to a murder. This definitely caught my eye as the story sped up, eventually steamrolling over as you finished out.

I like how you kept us in the dark for a while. I will admit, I was definitely thrown off a little bit when you started out with Luke, thinking, if this is about a policeman and a school teacher, what does this have to do with Luke? Unless this is his past, but I didn't make the connection until later, woops. Good job though, speeding the pace up to something that takes on a harder edge.

The conversation between Becca and Luke seem realistic, the portrayal of their thoughts on the everyday high school life is accurate per se, so great job on that. :)

I'm sorry, I'm not in the best of states to post a review but I read the fifth chapter so... In a nutshell:

I think that Alice is fine, but the constant attraction everyone seems to have towards Chief Tate is annoying. It would be nice if a female character could actually find him something else than charming.

I don't think she is the stereotypical slut, so you did that well, and actually, from what I understand, she isn't a slut. It's just her reputation. The fact that Nick can outrun a young athlete while bleeding from his nose (which is really annoying when you want to breath), but can't stop a teenage girl from kissing him... Well, it's just bad for him. I'd have preferred this didn't happen, honestly, but I am interested in what will come of it.

I think I prefer Luke as a narrator.

Anyway, good job, once more!

So now I'm really confused. Is Lindsay the same person who was with Nick at Alice's party? Haha I really feel like I have no idea what is going on anymore. Well anyway I guess that exes out my last review concern?

This chapter just seems to hold the plot at another standstill. No one seems like they could be the killer besides the usual suspects, so it'll definitely be exciting piecing together the clues! We'll see if Luke is actually crazy or not. I don't know if I'm more on the side of him just hallucinating, or if I want it to be real. Hmm. We'll see, I guess.

I think you did a good job of balancing this chapter out with something slow paced in the beginning and then more action towards the end. It was a little hard for me to follow some of the action toward the end. All the joking about the Gucci shoe didn't really hold my attention, though. I was surprised Nick made Lindsay deputy chief. I've never really seen her do much in the way of law enforcement work. I've mostly just seen her linger around and talk. So it kind of worries me that giving her the position is a mistake since I've never seen her do anything to earn it.

Whoa, now that'd be real crazy if Luke's father was the ax murderer. It'd also be weird because Dean was eating a woman's entrails, so he's obviously derailed. This is all assuming Luke isn't having hallucinations and just imagining everything.

I do wish that there could have been some more insight into Luke's parentage much earlier on in the story. I know you wanted to keep the incest bit a secret, but if the reader could have been clued in that everyone thought Dean was dead from the start, having him pop up now would definitely be a shocker. To learn in this chapter this far in to the story that everyone thought he was dead and all these things might be connected and stuff, it's not as shocking as it could be. A lot of the appeal is lost because you failed to build that back story up when you had time. Now it feels like a rushed detail.

The rest of the story's pace is fine. I particularly liked the tense convo between Nick and Luke's mom. It spoke of a close friendship in the past, and I liked the painful emotion Nick expressed at being so exasperated with her never listening to him. Most of the time I can't really relate to Nick, but his emotions and character were really clear in this chapter and I enjoyed that.

What a way to end the chapter, though! Sounds like Alek may have found something, or someone. o:

I don't really have much of a constructive opinion on this chapter. I think it's highly misplaced. The convo between Jillian and Portia should have happened way earlier. If they are still building a relationship at this point, I don't think they're really friends. It has been at least a week, or several weeks. But that's about it. I don't really know what else to say about the chapter. :\

Some of your chapters have a tendency to move the plot forward in small increments and it can make the reading a bit dry. Nothing really happened in this chapter that didn't happen in previous chapters so it felt somewhat unnecessary.

I think the last time I read from Alice's POV, I had a not very positive opinion of her, and this chapter didn't really change that. But honestly, I like that the characters aren't what I expect. It makes them unique.

Man, I don't know how many times I read this chapter, but just couldn't get up the motivation to review, haha. I don't know why. I sure have got a lot to catch up on, though. o.o

Anyway, I'm curious as to what the motive was behind Saud's murder. I'm thinking he sold some real estate he had no business selling and the Bardici's axed him for it. Or maybe he saw something he shouldn't have. o:

I think Nick's reaction is normal for someone who has just lost their best friend. People tend to say things they don't always mean when they're distraught. I'm confused that there weren't more people tracking his whereabouts, though. I mean, his closest friend has been murdered, he's obviously not emotionally stable, and he has a weapon on his hip. What's to say he doesn't shoot himself or someone else? But I'm not the best judge of character when it comes to Nick, lol, so I can't give you a solid answer on what I thought of his reaction.

Lindsay's reaction made a lot of sense, too, I thought.

There was one thing I wasn't too clear on, and that was when Nick is talking to the coroner and they're talking about the heart. Nick says something along the lines of "poor evidence cover up" when he realizes the pigs ate the heart, and that just confuses me. I would think if the pigs eat the heart then they have no heart to look at. Or is it bad because it's obvious? I just didn't know what was going on there.

Eh, on Nick taking off his clothes, more sober people have done weirder. It's kind of embarrassing, though, haha. I admit I caught second-hand embarrassment reading that scene just because I felt like what he was doing was a little foolish. Oh well. That's the Chief of Police for ya. xD

Repost 'cause FP is a butt. :P

The description throughout the chapter was pretty solid. Most of the time you kept description balanced nicely with narrative and dialogue, which made for a much smoother read.

I did find the chapter kind of dragged, especially after the the attack. I think the biggest thing is the whole "The kid's crazy," cliche. This is so badly over done in mystery and horror that it's kind of expected, so when everybody starts talking about mental stability and illness, I kinda had to sigh. I do have to admit, though, that using the incest thing at least helps establish a reasonable situation where they would assume Luke's health is an issue (even if it is based on preconceived notions).

Luke's survival didn't seem unlikely. People go through far worse and still survive like nothing happened, particularly in kids. All I can say on the matter is to remain consistent in his injuries in future chapters. :)

Okay, so reposting review since it didn't go through the last time for some reason.

Beautiful imagery for the setting this chapter. I kinda wonder if you based this on a place you know IRL, because it seemed like it was written with a particular spot in mind. I think the description is fine as it is.

I love that you didn't build any tension. One moment it peaceful in the forest, and the next minute Luke (and the reader) are thinking "Oh, f'k! Oh'f'k!" It just comes right out of know where and surges the adrenaline, which really helps up the urgency of the scene.

And... Finally! Plot progress, and we just get thrust right into it! The last chapter was reeling me back in, but this chapter caught me, hook, line and sinker. :)

I'm a bit confused as to why Gerard is only just learning about Alice's class. It's implied that he's around quite often, so why has she waited so long to tell him about it? I just felt this particular detail was a reiteration of exposition, rather than a naturally occurring scene.

Once the chapter gets into the conversation, I felt the narrative and setting seemed to just dry up. There's a lot of chatting and little actions, but about half way through I felt myself losing a sense of atmosphere. Perhaps spicing it up with a bit of narrative? It would certainly help to balance out the chunks of text preceding the conversation and make the dialogue feel a bit more natural.

I can't really decide yet how I feel about Gerard. On the one hand, there have been hints in previous chapters to suggest that he has some harmless secret or misconception that is being blown out of proportion, but at the same time he has a bit of a shut-in feel to him. In real life I'd probably really like him, but reading him as a fictional character I kind of get little warning flags about him, although I'm not sure what that warning is toward.