To be perfectly honest, Alice already presents more 'breather' than I care for. Given that Portia's supposed to be the love interest of the hero, I really think there needs to be more plot and less breather where she's concerned.

In a mystery sense, I'm not finding the pacing works. There is so much time spent on the drama that it's all too easy to forget that a mystery element even exists, unless the reader is craving what the story started off with.

The personal date this chapter, I thought would have worked better early on. It completely departs from the mystery/horror plot, so much so that I felt as though I had switched from a Horror movie to a drama show, mid-scene. It's kind of jarring and killed the adrenaline rush of the previous chapter. Even just have a smoother transition would help on this front.

Probably the biggest thing this chapter was that Luke's mom seemed a bit too comfortable with what he went through that day. Her reaction seemed a lot more like something I would expect from a pitying gossip than someone so intimately involved in the situation. I know for some it's the whole, "Chin up, it'll get better," but she really didn't seem to care much about the stigma Luke goes through.

I'm guessing Alek didn't come by his optimism as easily as he lets on to Luke. I liked that Luke had someone to go to, and I thought that you characterized Alek well for where he is in life. He really seems like he'd make an interesting story focus.

On the writing manner, I liked that you used "Mom". Sometimes the narrative feels like it loses its voice, so establishing the mindset more solidly like this really helps to boost the voice and connect with Luke.

At last we have a reason as to why Luke is treated like crap randomly. It certainly adds to the "small town, dirty secrets" theme so far, and I think I vaguly recall some hint of this in an earlier chapter. I didn't feel particularly shocked, but I /was/ curious as to the circumstances.

The kids felt mostly realistic in their responses. I think the only one that really stood out was Damien. It's hinted at that they have some sort of bond, so it seemed kind of weird that Damien would be the one to blurt it out.

Jillian reminds me a bit of Ruby from Once Upon a Time. Very comfortable in her skin and sexuality, seems to approach gossip in a kind and friendly manner, and is just all around intriguing. She's definitely my favorite female character thus far, and I hope there'll be more of her.

Portia's reaction actually felt very natural. Personally, I would have bitched the kids out for being shitheads about it (intentional or otherwise), but at the same time it's not surprising that she would have limited knowledge on incest, and honestly, how is one /supposed/ to reach when learning someone they're fond of has such a taboo origin?

Last chapter I would have said no. This chapter, I would have to say yes. There was a lot more intrigue built around the characters and community, and it seems to be shifting back to the summary's focus plots.

I think it would help to rephrase the opening line. The run on and shifts in topic made it very confusing to follow, and I had to re-read it several times before I understood what it was talking about.

I honestly don't care for Alice. If anything, she seems to have become more of a Mary Sue, and she doesn't seem to contribute anything to either the murder plot or the romance plot with Portia. I kind of wish this subplot wasn't even involved, because it feels as though the story is being warped into a teenage drama.

Katie comes off as a typical ignorant bitch, and I can't stress enough how much of a good thing that is. She has no consideration for the consequences that may come from posting the picture, she's foolish enough to believe that access to the picture is restricted, and she thinks she's 'mature' because she's read a whole bunch of romance stories. She's practically the embodiment of an overconfident teenager, and while I wanted to slap her for some of her responses, she definitely is my favorite character this chapter.

So Luke completely did a 180 in this chapter. I think it works for progressing the plot purposes, but not for his characterization. I was hoping with the change something at least good would happen with him and Alice, but then Nick and his forensic kit come and ruin everything. Luke can’t get a break. For some reason I thought Era was like Luke’s cousin or sister. The vibes just gave it off and the comment about him having a crush on Era for five years kind of took me by surprise too. I don’t remember reading about that when Era was originally introduced, but maybe I missed it? Anyhow, I feel bad for Nick…and Saud. I’m glad things are going to start picking up, but I think most of the chapters were worth it. There were a couple of chapters that dragged, but as I said a good portion of them really helped with character development. Great job!

Hooray! Alice noticed Luke’s cuteness. I’m super excited now. I think my hunch about Uncle Gerry is correct and Alice’s father, or rather who Alice thinks is her real father, knows about the affair between her mother and Gerry. He takes it out on Alice doesn’t he? What a douche bag. I’m jumping to conclusions, but the scene in this chapter makes me think I’m spot on.

Is H.P. Lovecraft really that good? I see things here are there, always in stories, but never read anything from this author. It’s like how romance stories always have a heroine commenting on how wonderful Gone With the Wind was or something like that. Personally I thought it was pretty crappy, but I’m thinking H.P Lovecraft is to horror as GWtW is to romance (it’s a horrible romance story though—more of a coming of age story if anything)? Am I wrong? Anyhow, I just notice the mention of this author fairly frequently. There’s nothing wrong with it, especially the way you’re using it as a learning device. I just thought I’d comment on it.

“…who could she possibly confine in?” I think you meant confide here. Well, looks like my original assumption about Uncle Gerry and Alice was right. I’m not sure what to think. She migrates towards him. He’s made her feel special in a world that doesn’t, but he’s taking advantage of the position he has in her life, of her feelings for him as her uncle. I’m sad for Alice because I’ll bet this has been going on for awhile and because her father is so verbally abusive the only real father figure has been Gerry. I thought Alice was a virgin though? I remember her commenting somewhere in earlier chapters? I really hope Alice starts to migrate towards Luke.

That Einstein thing was interesting. This chapter seemed a little faster speed wise than the others. I’m not sure if it was because I was struggling to remember the characters in this chapter. Characters I know have shown up in previous chapters like Era, whom I vaguely remember, but I thought Era was a guy, so that’s how much I remember. I have to say I’ve always loved the interactions between Nick and Luke. Nick is the greatest guy ever and he’s very patient. The conversation between the two of them was great and it really makes the reader solidify the connection Nick has with the people in his town. Good chapter.

I thought Alice would have a fit at what she saw. I think it was a good idea to have not really care. In a way it helps add to her character depth, In my opinion. She’s not the girl I originally thought she was in the first couple of chapters, and it’s sticking with every bit of info I get on her. I like her more and more as a character. She also has Luke…right? Forget about Chase, send Alice on a saving mission to help Luke realize his worth and save him from the big bad murderer. I still like Becca with Luke, but I’m fully warmed up to Alice with Luke. So please, forget about this Chase character! *_-

I originally thought that Uncle Gerry was doing something else to Alice entirely, but I suppose my suspicions were wrong. I think I may have mentioned it before that I think Alice may be Uncle Gerry’s favorite because in reality Alice is his biological daughter…hmm. Could this be true? I noticed one mistake, “her kissed her cheek,” replace the first her with ‘he’. Great chapter!

I’m pretty excited that this chapter is in Portia’s perspective. *Cheers* Finally some lip action for Porsche (fun nickname) and Nick. I knew this chapter would be good. I love a mixture of horror and romance. I’m really strange, but apparently I’m not alone in that like. I’m so glad there’s something good and bad to look forward to. I think that you managed to give them a normal date given the circumstances (even if it hasn’t really presented itself fully).

As a reader it’s nice to have those normal moments while reading a thriller. It doesn’t always have to be nonstop hardcore and most of the time it’s moments like this that create the connection between characters and audience. When the audience is invested the better off the story will do. I think ‘breather’ chapters as you’re calling them are necessary. It adds to the build up for me.

EF:

I’m so happy he’s alive and made it to Nick. I enjoyed the introduction of these new characters too and that line where they said they were more concerned that Grace was sleeping with domesticated buffalo was pretty funny. Didn’t think I’d read something like that. I know Nick’s the chief and all, but shouldn’t he be taking back up? I know he didn’t believe Luke originally, but all the same…I’d be a little scared myself.

“Athletic was easily the word he’d use…” this sentence makes sense in the beginning, but as it continues it’s a little hard to follow. Maybe it’s just too complex for me to get, but it seems like you might want to reconstruct it. How is this killer not leaving anything behind? I have a killer like that, but there are at least dead bodies. Maybe they just haven’t found them yet? Or is this killer a vendetta killer?

If Luke doesn’t recognize the killer isn’t it safe to say the killer isn’t from Edgeport? I get the feeling that Edgeport is a small town and no one knows each other, or is the killer disguising himself somehow? I really liked that you’re sticking with the fact that they believe Luke could be seeing things. Throwing in the schizophrenic question really helped drive the point that people are wary about this killer. I can’t wait for them to realize he’s been telling the truth.

I've been MIA, had a lot of stuff to do. I owe you this review: So, I really like in the beginning that you show how this murder has deeply messed with Luke and has even gone far enough to ruin his special spot. Something like that definitely would cause severe issues and I really like the glimpse of that problem. You can't kill Luke, but I enjoyed the re-emergence of the killer. It was time for it to happen, so Luke would know he hadn't lost it. I'm hoping Luke will get away and Nick will finally see that the threat is very real. Great job!

Hey!

I have to say, it is nice to see the way Portia think reflect that much in the narrative. I didn't think this was done so extensively in the previous chapter... Or maybe that's just because the chapter is longer, I don't know.

I hope you won't mind me saying this, but I feel that she could be a little less interested in flirting and gossip. I mean... I feel a little male dominance in this story, maybe I'm imagining it, but... When it's Nick, it's being helpful, friendship and being handsome. When it's Portia, it's refraining (or not) from judging, trying to look pretty and being credulous. You see this characterization of male and female characters in a lot of films, in my opinion.

Also, I feel you are on a little vendetta against emos... But the constant bashing isn't bothering me, it's rather amusing, really. I might be biased, though. (When I was that age, there were Goths, but they (usually) were quite knowledgeable about literature and cinematography - especially when it came to horror and fantastic (not Fantasy) novels.)

I didn't find this chapter boring at all. This is quite interesting in fact, we learn quite a few things about the town, and I realise that this story isn't named after the case Nick will be working... Edgeport is the focus of the story, rather than the murders. The reader feels constantly involved (or at least I did), which I find great. It might become a bit like a good TV show: at one point, you just want to see the characters, you get attached to them. I like that a lot.

I wonder if Alice will turn out to be a gifted child... It really looks like it from my perspective at that point. (I know I might be very wrong there...)

Here is what I wrote while reading (which I do all the time to keep track of the possible typos, but this time there is a bit more than that, there is over-sharing too, haha!):

"she one step back with that smile" (I did not understand this...)
"for a brief moment, eyes lit up" (I suppose this was Luke's reaction since he's the only one who wasn't named?)
"doesn't mean this is a real class" (I think this means the opposite of what you were trying to say? Or maybe I just don't understand English which is quite frankly *extremely* plausible.)
"And comments, Luke?" (I think this was "any comments", but once again, not sure, just wondering.)

Lord Ruthven... Oh, my! This is from The Vampyre, isn't it? I was actually the only person to read this in my year as a French litterature major (for the English class which was kind of funny, watching Buffy and reading victorian litterature). I was really the only guy that gave a... thing about the syllabus (if I might call it that, it was rather short really). You were extremely lucky in finding one of the only "books" (short story, really) that I ever read in English. Made me nostalgic, even! I can't believe the difference between my morale then, and my kind-of-depression now. It was 2011 and it seems really far. Really, really far. [Sorry for the overabundance of self-pity and information.]

"that boy having her heart broken" (his?)
I think Kayla should be named at the beginning of the dinner scene... It is quite strange to see her name pop up in the narration without any introduction.

Hey!

So, third chapter! I'll start by answering your questions: I felt that the way Nick and Luck interacted was both nice and believable. It seems that Nick was quite different from Luke, and the way he reacts to him is pretty interesting. It's nice to see that he is neither pushing him to party, nor telling him that he should stay away from that kind of behaviour in the future. The fact that there is no judgement is probably a sign that they will have good relations, which might be facilitated by the fact that Nick seems a bit stuck with his old "cool guy attitude" while Luke is being "a bit mature for his age". It reminds me of a sentence: "40 is the new 30, but so is 20..." Of course, the characters aren't 40 or 20, but they kind of converge towards something in the middle anyway.

I think Nick wasn't creepy, after all, he benefits from being the Chief of Police which makes him kind of look "above suspicion", while being driven by the "cool guy attitude". As noticed by Luke, it seems that he doesn't really want to be adult quite yet: it's the popular kid that is driving them to Aspen, not the policeman. At least, that's how I saw it.

I really liked the characters. They are not obsessed with the plot. They won't keep talking about what might have happened, on the contrary. I think you did a great job at creating the atmosphere of the small city. It seems that something quite important happened, I hope I am not supposed to know yet, because that would mean I missed something and I would feel sorry. The small town with a secret is a trope in and out of itself, but right now it really sounds solid anyway. I suppose Portia will be the teacher, then? Oh... I'll find out anyway!

The twins were believable too even though we didn't see a lot of them.

I enjoyed this chapter better than the first two, maybe because there was less information to take on and more "character" to be seen? I don't know. Anyway, I feel involved with the characters. It would bother me that one of them be injured, so that should mean you did a good job! :D (I wonder if you'll accomplish the same with Alice, though... She seems like the usual spoiled brat with a huge ego.)

Here is what I noted while reading, related to the writing itself:
I felt there could be punctuation in the line where Luke asks for Nick's parents not to be dead. I understand that the idea is to make it sound faster and more panicked, but... Well, in my opinion it would be better with some comas at least.
A oxymoron An oxymoron?
A couple deep breaths A couple of deep breaths?

So lovely to see the relationship between Luke and his mum; he’s so much more vocal with her than he has been with his class in previous chapters, and it’s nice to see him letting out his frustrations a little. I really liked ‘I just want one person to not see me and see what happened to you’ – I think it phrased his mood perfectly :D.

And omg, such a mum reaction to be like ‘well, you’re friends with your stepdad’.

His mum seems sweet - just a normal, caring sort of lady, who seem like she's been through some pretty horrible things, but hasn't necessarily let them shape her.

‘to be able to safety’ – should be ‘safely’?

‘he was way out of her league’ – does he mean that she’s way out of his league? The way he’s bigging up her mystery before that seems to suggest that, but here it seems like he’s saying he’s too good for her?

Alek was cool – I’m interested in seeing what his role is in the sequel! I like how he seems quite positive, and resilient. And I liked the ending – the maniac in the woods. Like the more he says it, the less you believe it. I can’t wait for all this tension you’ve established to break when the shit hits the fan :D.

The ‘Mom’ in the prose didn’t bother me at all – I think it completely suited your POV and having her name wouldn’t have fit at all. If you don’t like it, you could just call her ‘his mom’ or something, I suppose, but really I didn’t notice it until you pointed it out in your a/n.

Siiigh, doing English classes on the horror genre – how cool is that? I love Alice and Luke’s points on how the villains are so interesting because of the way they let you look into the darker side of humanity – I always find myself loving the bad guys :p.

Interesting to hear that Luke’s the product of incest. I love how you’re revealing all these little dark parts of Edgeport bit by bit – it’s like you can tell it still has so many disturbing little secrets just waiting to leap out at us. I liked the way the kids reacted to it – it was sort of immature, but it didn’t seem deliberately /cruel/ - more just insensitive? I felt bad for Luke having it discussed all out in the open like that, but Damian didn’t seem to be trying to be mean. And it said at the start that they were sort of class friends, so I think that added to the context.

Jillian was cool – I like how Portia found her sort of alluring. I like frank characters, and I sorta want to own a tattoo parlor so I can draw on people all day with needles *sigh*. She was cool, though, I liked :D. And it’s fun that Montana is possibly keeping her in business :p.

I think the only Portia reaction to Luke’s backstory was that she sort of assumed that all products of incest have something wrong with them (before correcting herself – that she knew that she’d learnt that wasn’t true in college)? It made her seem maybe a little ignorant, given how people used to marry their sisters all the time in like…Roman times or something (although admittedly, it seems like a lot of their kids ended up insane, but not all of them :p).

Still hooked! :D