Hi :D. This is faerie-gumdrops from cybersheep – there are three of us. I know SenatorBlitz was reading this before, so I’m reviewing under my own profile so she can get back to it easier when school stops stealing her life. Anyhoo, I’ve just read chapters 1-6, and hopefully this review will make some sort of sense.

First off, very general comments on the story so far. I love the way you’ve established this little community here. I grew up sort of in the England equivalent of a place like this, where everyone knows everyone, and you have to drive an hour to get anywhere. It’s been nice looking at the small town dynamic. Also a hot cop is always good in my book :p. I think the character I sympathise the most with is actually Alice – she seems like a sweet, smart girl, who gets a lot of stick for not really doing much at all? I liked the flip on the emo/pretty girl cliché, with Montana behaving like a little bitch. And Kevin. Gah. Luke seems like a sweet boy. And I like Portia – how she offers an outsider’s perspective on the proceedings. Perhaps predictably, I’m getting a Twin Peaks vibe from this, which is always lovely :)

ANYWAYS. I stumbled a little on the first sentence of this chapter – I think it was maybe just a bit long for an opener?

‘The mere thought that she thought kissing someone like him that she hardly knew’ – I think this sentence is maybe a bit muddled, with the repeated ‘thought’ parts?

‘What did her delusional friend think [she] did with Chief Tate?’

I sort of like Katie’s excitable nature, but I’m also a little paranoid about her – I think just because of the way that people throw ‘slut’ and stuff about with Alice, Katie seems quite voyeuristic. And while that may well be sort of innocent and playful, the way that she posts that picture online makes it seem that she could possibly border on mean. It’s an interesting relationship! Ooh and to answer your question, it does totally seem realistic to me.

Ooh and I do appreciate your digs at bad vampire fiction throughout this *snicker*.

And it’s lovely to find out why exactly Alice does like older people – simply because she likes museums and old movies. I really am liking her quite a lot; she’s lovely a fleshed out and it’s hard not to take her side when people have such negative opinions of her and gossip simply (it seems) to make their own lives a little more interesting.

So, since I couldn't read the later chapters, here is another review, haha!

I liked the fact that you expressed the difference between Sheriff and Chief of Police... I am not from the US and the confusion is incredibly easy to make when watching TV series.

But, let me reply to your questions:

What did I think of Nick? Well, I don't think that he is that similar to Luke. He seems more of a "people person" and has a whole different approach with the opposite gender from what I understand.

I think the POV was consistent with the character, though sometimes I was wondering about some of the thoughts that were displayed. For instance, I found it strange that Nick would think it more appropriate to look into a possible murder investigation *after hours*... It is his job, after all. His opinion on pot seemed a bit firm, too... Not all pot users are unreliable, not all people who drink alcohol are drunkards. It was also a bit surprising that he found that many students were doing drug because it was legal... There were probably a lot of them before that, and it is still illegal for them to use pot before being 18 (or 21?), I suppose. [I am absolutely not an advocate for Marijuana, by the way. This is not a personal vendetta! :D]

There is also the fact that he is off shift at 4, but won't meet Luke until 6:15?

Other than that I found the character really likeable - except when dealing with his female co-workers. I found Saud funny, even though I wouldn't vouch for him in the survival game since he is the non-caucasian best friend of the detective (if this develops like an usual American film... *squick*). By the way, I suppose Saud wasn't raised in Saudi Arabia, but if he was... putting his feet on a table could be a huge offence (he would not take offence since he was in America for 16 years at minima, but he wouldn't allow himself to do it in a friend's office either).

Looking at the chapters' protagonists, I realise this might change, but as of now, the female characters are really in the back. In the first chapter, Becca nearly revealed their presence to the killer and forgot her phone in the tent. Here, we have a secretary, a co-worker who as to deal with unscrupulous remarks and a seventeen year-old "slut".

Oh, and your last question: no, I didn't feel there were too many minor characters. They are well situated, so this is in no way a problem. On the contrary, it gives more credibility to the story: even in a small town, nothing revolve around just three or four people... As a matter of fact, the smaller the city, the more many people (not sure that's proper English, sorry) are involved.

So, yeah! I have to reiterate my congratulations on a job well done from the former chapter!

Hey!

I know you asked for reviews on the later chapters, but it would have felt cheap to review something I didn't understand just to get a review in return! So, here I am, first chapter and... Gutting, how delicious!

Luke looks like an able young man... Will he be related to the main character? I wonder. However, I am not sure this would have gone better if he had taken a gun. I found his relation with Becca interesting, however I felt that he often had the upper hand. [...] After checking the chapters, it seems normal since he is one of the main characters.

I wonder if there will be several killers in your story, but if that first man we saw is a serial killer... I fear for Becca that he might found out who she is thanks to her phone and try to track her down. Er... Is there much point to speculation when you have already wrote so many chapters? I don't know, but with that kind of story, I think it is pleasing to know what the reader might be expecting.

Your writing is really nice, and the characters are believable, which is pleasing let me tell you!

I would say something common as "Keep it up!" but I just reviewed the first of 23 chapters... That would sound ridiculous, wouldn't it?

I remember seeing a warning about incest on either here or your website, and I had no idea it was going to be Luke's parents o_o! That's really interesting, though. Just like Jillian said, it can be a pretty fascinating topic, especially considering how taboo it is when normal kids like Luke can pop up as a result of it. Plus, you know, lots of animals, like show dogs, are inbred in order to keep the line "pure." I think Game of Thrones does a pretty cool job approaching incest as well. I think I remember some random percentage, something like 20% of people, will actually show physical symptoms of incest. Of course, the more you stay in the family the more that percentage goes up, but it's not nearly as high as people (including myself) might think. So yeah, that's a really interesting spin on his background. Usually you see kids with dead parents or murderous parents or rapist parents or just criminal parents in general. But incest? Don't think I've ever read a story, YA or otherwise, where one of the main characters was a product of incest.

And yeah, I can definitely see kids acting this way about Luke's parents. Shit, kids will fucking make fun of you for wearing a weird shirt or pants, or if you have holes in your shoes. They don't give a shit if you're dealing with some heavy stuff at home, or if you're poor, or if you don't have any control over a given situation - high school is a breeding ground for rumors, bullying, and general shittiness. LOL as you can see, I don't have a high opinion of teenagers. I was never picked on personally, but I've seen it happen to friends. Heard stories and stuff, too. The only thing that i'd think is a little forced is how Damian delivered the information to Portia. I think not having him say "here, I'll tell you what went down" and just having him go into it will make it a lot more fluid and less obvious that it's there for the reader just as much as for Portia.

I like Jillian! Piercings, and she's got a bit of snark to her. I can't wait to see if she plays a more major role. Plus anyone who works in a tattoo parlor is pretty cool, hah. The only thing I'd suggest for her (and you may do this a little further down the road - if so then just ignore me) is to maybe give her a characteristic that isn't something you'd expect a chick in a tattoo parlor to have, just to avoid any cliches or tropes. Like maybe she's afraid of needles, lol.

I think Portia acted realistic. Even if she's a school teacher, I doubt she'd know much about incest to not be biased against it. Plus I think she handled the situation with Luke really well - she didn't pry, and she let him leave when he was too flustered to go back to class. And I think it's pretty natural to be curious about that type of situation and seek out further information; having that information can come in handy later on.

Yeah, I'm definitely still hooked. I'm having trouble choosing between reading this or BtG, haha. Think I'll go do a chapter of BtG now so help even it out. :) Sorry this took me a few days to get to - I just started my next semester and my reading list is...ugh, let's just say I have to read 2 books a week. :/

So, I kind of messed up. For chapter two I dropped off a review and I forgot to add something and it wouldn't let me review twice so I posted it under chapter three. And now that I read chapter three, I have to post the review under chapter four. So, THIS IS FOR CHAPTER THREE :)

I like the easiness that Nick had with Luke and the girl's. He doesn't seem overbearing and he's very likeable. He didn't judge Luke for not being able to find anything in the woods and he didn't bring it up unless Luke did so himself. I liked Luke's voice in this chapter, as well. You stuck very well to his characteristics and I was able to differentiate between Nick and Luke, which is always a great thing if an author has the ability to make his/her characters diverse in that sense.

I think you were very realistic with the scene that has Luke, Nick, and the kids, when Luke states that his mother wouldn't be happy if Tate paid. As a parent, it seems like there would be a sense of both embarrassment and mild resentment (having someone look after your kid because you either don't have to means to or can't for other reasons). That scene was something I'm familiar with so I think it was done very well and realistically. Awesome :)

The idea of a small town and it's locality was great. You pushed the idea home when you had Nick mention that it's hard to find someone to be with when the second you're publicly seen with another woman, it's news all over town.

Overall, I really liked this chapter. When I get a chance to review Chapter Four, I'll also do Chapter Five and post both reviews under the heading for Chapter Five so that I'm all caught up and there's no more confusion!

Great job with this chapter. The writing was flawless and your style of writing kept me interested throughout the entire piece. I can't wait to read more :)

I love the pace, dear :D And I got very excited reading this chapter, to the point that I will review now, even if I am sleepy.

So. I love how you are unveiling all of those dirty little secrets. The chapter started off really ordinary and slow, and I was expecting more of Luke's theories (I like how he is playing Sherlock though). I have to say that the build-up was excellent because I definitely wasn't expecting that conversation in the kitchen :D

You hinted before that Nick and Luke's mother know each other, but I hadn't expected them to be this close. Nick seems really hurt and bitter in this chapter, and I wonder *why *. Did they date once, maybe? I don't know, but I am excited to find out. I think I also understand why he is so invested in Luke now. It's not just him playing a good cop, he really does care.

The elevation that the man with the ax might be Dean is...exciting :D I know that Nick suspects hallucinations but I am waiting for another huge reveal. Poor Luke though. You can tell how much these elevations have disturbed him. I hope he won't shatter.

I really though the writing was fantastic in this chapter. It was slow when it had to be, and quick when the plot was thickening. But yes, it's enjoyable :)

What I really love though is how all of the dots are all connecting, and how each of the characters are moving ahead like chess figures. I love how all of them are important, and I think you are doing great with the characters and relationships. It just all fits into the bigger picture.

And I am in love with the plot! It's definitely exciting. I also like guessing what is going on.

So I actually didn't realize you had updated - with three chapters to boot! I will try to leave some longer comments, but might wind up being short - due to being on the phone.

Portia and Nick's relationship is very oddly sweet. I like how they tease each other, and how natural they seem? I also like how they haven't slept with each other yet; it just seem realistic for them to not have yet. I really like how they confide in each other - communication is the basis for any good relationship :).

Poor Nick: he is still really affected, isn't he? I like how he is focusing on the case, but I do wish he would rest. Still, his theories so far are sound, and maybe focusing on the case might be his way of coping.

I like Jillian's and Portia's friendship. There is a lot of good-natured banter between them, and I like how Jillian confides in Portia too. The elevation about Said having slept with her was oddly touching

I liked the writing - as always. It's very simple to read, and your dialogue is very engaging. I also just like how you focus on the many different relationships.

Transcript center of educational documentation,
To the agency

Hey! I wasn’t planning on returning reviews for By the Book, but since I started asking for reviews in the RG, I’d have felt weird not returning this. :D

Hahaha, from the moment Portia said “I’ll do my best” to Nick’s “Don’t break any laws,” I was all, homigosh she’s totally flirting it up! I like how bold she is.

I like the opening of the second scene, where Portia’s contemplating how to dress up for her date night. I don’t know about guys, but I can definitely relate to trying to find the right outfit/makeup combo in anticipation of what might happen haha.

[rouge curtain] do you mean rogue?

[the most painfully obvious sign that she was easy ever] I feel like this reads better as “the most painfully obvious sign ever that she was easy”

And yeah, damn, Nick is pretty perfect, haha.

So yeah, overall, I liked this chapter a lot. Reading about Portia and Nick’s date was cute. I think breather chapters are important. It prepares us and makes us more susceptible to more drama.

amsies here from roadhouse

I like how you opened this chapter, leading us in without telling very much, so it is already intriguing. (not to mention, I love your story description. Sounds fascinating.

Does Luke want to go to community college or state school? They are completely different. Community college is first come first serve, while you have to apply for state school. I think that if he can take an AP, he would definitely be qualified for a state scholarship, maybe even a liberal arts scholarship at Colorado College. Also, the all about me packets shouldn't take that long. Honestly, if he cares about college, he has waaay more important things to do than that, such as writing his college essay and studying for the SATs. (speaking as someone who just went through the college process)

I'm a little confused about what luke wants. How does being a teacher's pet protect him from classmates? Is he trying to get teachers to like him so he can do well in the classes for college? But then he doesn't care much about it... Sorry if I'm missing something.

Aw, I feel bad for friendzoned Becca. (the friendzone can happen to girls too! lol)
I don't get Luke. Wouldn't that cabin idea lead her on even more? lol stupid boy.

Oh, sht the ending is scary! Gosh, what a thing to stumble upon.

Well, you certainly are introducing a lot of characters. Portia just seems like a regular city chick to me. Easy going, unorthodox as indicated by her syllabus choice, fun loving by her choice of beer and not too worried about her body image by her choice of fries. Her car seems a bit... extreme. I doesn't really fit the image of her, but I suppose that was her mother's plan.
At this point, I really think the reader has had too much of a breather. There isn't much action going on lol. Not even a mention of the murder in this chapter which was disappointing.
The relationship between Nick and Portia isn't really too quick, especially with a guy like Nick. He definitely seems like the kind of guy that would ask an attractive girl out off the bat (even if it is just a casual friend date).

Ok, answered all of your questions. Now to my own comments. I felt it was kind of strange that you told us that Portia went through a lot of time trying to pick what she was going to wear, but then didn't tell us what she wore! I also don't seem to remember you giving us any details or clues on how she looks. Just give us some details on how she looks! Lastly, I felt it was just a bit unrealistic to have the school just let the new teacher decide her own course and not provide her with any required readings. Also, don't parents need to sign some sort of permission slip for horror movies like those?

Uh, just remembered that there were a few mistakes I mean't to point out from Chapter 2 but forgot to and for it won't let me review twice!
So I hope it's cool if I post them here..

"A lot of kids tended to think that because born after 1980…" There's a word missing. It kind of slowed down my reading but it wasn't so bad. Just a head's up :)
And also, it'd be cool if you'd establish Nick's age. Just so that I can put it into better perspective with future chapters to come.

"…he put into his heritage was seeming to [be/in] touch…"
"Be in" was together. Sometimes this happens when we upload our documents to the site. The format gets messed up. It's happened to me so many times you'd think I know better. Try looking over your work one final time once it's uploaded to the site, it helps to point out any formatting errors :)

So, I'll start by answering your questions.

I like Nick. I think you established his character really well. And to also answer the second question, you were consistent with both the character and his POV throughout the chapter. I can't say that I like one more than the other (Luke/Nick) simply because they're both very different characters and they both have redeeming and failing qualities about them- that's what makes them so cool. I think you were able to capture both of their personas (high school kid/town "Sheriff") adequately and the fact that you managed to differentiate characteristics and personalities between the two really helps to establish who they are. As for minor characters, I think you're doing fine. You were able to introduce quite a few of them without bombarding me so it's fine.

I was a bit confused about Saud and Nick's relationship. At first I thought they weren't much to each other aside from the business aspect of it. I was surprised to find that they're actually very good friends-so is this a game they play? I like it :)

My only concern with this chapter was how casual Nick was about Luke's testament of the murder. It seems as though he kind of placed that on the back burner. I understood his line of thinking, however. The logistics of it were there: it was too early, could have easily gotten confused, no reason for someone to murder so close to a town when there's is so much open forest, etc.
However, I think that it's something that could have been taken a bit more seriously, especially considering Luke's reaction and honesty.

Overall, I liked the development of this chapter and the new characters. Good job :)
-
From RH, noticed that you said that you would review my story for my review on the first chapter. Decided to review a second one for the hell of it. If you can return the favour I'd love it, if not, it's cool. I like your story so it's not trouble reading it :)

Heh, Alice is definitely stuck in a hard place right now, isn't she? I think I feel better about her character near the beginning of this chapter when she's feeling guilty for kissing Nick and looking at him like she does, but nearer the end I can see whatever mental progress she made was ruined by Katie. Guess I shouldn't be surprised considering how Katie acts and talks, though. She seems much more like the stereotypical prep than Alice does, which makes me wonder why Alice is hanging out with her. But I know how things can get in high school - reputation means almost everything, and I imagine dropping Katie wouldn't be a good move on Alice's part. Makes me feel sorry for her in a way. I can tell Alice probably doesn't like the position she's in, but she's too afraid to change it.

I still don't really think Alice is that bad of a person. She seems a bit dense at times and easily influenced by other people, but who isn't at that age? I think this subplot with Alice/Nick is going to end up really interesting for sure, and I can't wait to see what other...awkward moments it's probably going to cause, haha.

As much as Katie's character annoys me (this isn't s crit; I just can't stand people like her xD) I really like that detail you give her of how she's sort of obsessed with romance novels and speaks in romance novels like it's her second language. The remark about the blood being hot because of vampires made me grin, lol. It's so true. Anti-heroes didn't make it big until recently, which makes me sad. I love anti-heroes...and now there are so many of them out there just ruining the trope. ._. BUT ANYWAYS, I like that detail about Katie and how you foil it with Alice's interest in literature more than genre. I think that shows how Alice is different from her friends. It also gives Katie a unique personality trait that I'm sure you'll continue to play with in future chapters.

Alice mentions somewhere in here how living in such a small town limits her choice in boys, and I think is also limits her choice in friends. That's definitely obvious with how Alice seems to feel somewhat distant and different from everyone else, and yet still hangs out and throws parties.

In answer to your question at the bottom, yeah I can see someone like Katie posting that picture on like Facebook or something similar. Katie strikes me as a person who just...does or says shit and doesn't think there's even the slightest possibility of a consequence, or that something might be a bad idea. "Like, it's all fun and games!" That type of person. My sister used to be like this. It's annoying. x.x

Hah, still loving Nick. He really didn't come off as creepy at all, just extremely nice. The way Luke and Nick interacted was nice too, it seemed really natural though seeing as how they just met. Perhaps even a little too natural. I know I would be feeling really awkward during an hour long car drive with someone I barely know. Perhaps add some of that awkwardness in there? Just brief moments of silence in the conversation or something.

I feel like you also need to describe your character's actions more. I actually didn't even realize that Tate had picked up the dirt until later when they started walking back and I was like "Oh... I guess he picked up the dirt?"

Also. You need to inject more action! I get that all this character interaction is setting up relationships but give us some plot! Give us something to look forward to in the next chapter instead of just more interactions! It's in the Thriller section for a reason, thrill us! :D

Ok, I like Chief Tate. I really do haha. He seems like that really cool police man that everyone likes, and I especially like how you added the flirting nature of him, it makes him seem more down to earth. It's also good that we got more detail into what Luke looks like. Idk, I think I actually like it better when all the character's descriptions are down in one place. Not necessarily like an info dump but as a short paragraph. That way I have a clearer picture of them in my head instead of a blurred figure and a voice.

I can also really complement you on the dialogue, the banter between Saud and Tate... or come to think of it, Tate with ANYBODY is enjoyable haha.

One last thing though. I don't really think it makes sense that Tate would wait so long to investigate a potential murder. It certainly wouldn't make sense if the patrol would take precedence over a potential murder. Even if he is a bit doubtful, it's his job as a police officer to investigate any potential threat. Think of it like this. If some dick at your highschool pulled the fire alarm when there is no fire, wouldn't the firefighters go there regardless? Or would they just say to themselves, "Nah just some idiot kids" and not bother to check?

Oh and in answer to your question. Yes I did think there were a bunch of unnecessary characters. Was it really necessary to introduce the mayor's slut daughter now? Why is that relevant to the murder at hand?

And finally just a few wording issues that need to be cleared up:

[they should be siblings]
they could be siblings. Also later in the sentence you said "held confusion", yeah what does that even mean? lol

[He would've said she looked that age]
What age? The women at the dating scene? And what exactly are the age of those women? Last time I checked there wasn't an exact definition for what the age of dating women should be.

Overall. Good chapter, enjoyable and relateable main character (Chief Tate) but could use a little bit more of a follow up from the murder that took place the previous chapter.