Being completely honest, I had no problem with the intention of this chapter. Character development is always a plus in my book. However, I couldn't get into this chapter because of the characters themselves. Did you complete this novel during NaNo? Because with the dialogue in this chapter I got a very NaNo feel of "just-write-anything". I felt like I was watching a lot of the story's integrity dissolve in front of my eyes as I read. It was hard. I really believe that this chapter in particular needs a makeover dialogue-wise.

When Nick bursts into the classroom and just demands Damian to help him out. Alice claiming the reason Portia should read the class what was on the note being because they all have vaginas? Seriously, that was the most WTF moment in this whole chapter. What does that even mean? And then Nick tells a bunch of high schoolers what's going on and not their parents?

I love this story, but you have to understand I was kind of on the verge of losing my mind the more I read. I can only suspend my belief so much.

Again, with Nick, lol. I'm actually really curious what Portia's role in all this is? Just to fall in love with Nick and become a "damsel in distress" when the killer finds her? I hope that's not the case, but I mean, she's a teacher, unfortunately. She hasn't really portrayed any other skills. :\

And when Nick gave her that note. ._. See, this is why I'm confused about him. Is he a serious guy, or is he the described "flirt" from when he's first introduced? It's not a bad thing if he's a serious guy with flirty tendencies, or a flirty guy with serious tendencies, but it's really hard for me to know him when he keeps flip-flopping between the two.

Anyway, I think this chapter just needs some work done on it. Again, there's nothing wrong with the intention. It just didn't meet the standard of your previous chapters and that was the biggest letdown.

I really enjoy the way you make all your characters so distinct, even minor ones like Victor. It definitely adds to the realism and it makes the story flow so easily. Luke's injuries seem pretty bad, poor kid. :[ And Nick can't even find one trace of this killer, though as the fourth of July steadily approaches, I imagine Nick is going to experience the nightmare that has been chasing Luke first hand.

I thought it was cool how Nick went into investigation mode, and went through all the possibilities, like maybe Luke being schizophrenic. I didn't even think about that, but with the way there are no footprints or anything, it's like, is this a ghost or what? haha. You're really playing up the mystery big time and I love it.

I liked that closing line from Nick, lol. It was clever. I also liked the line where Nick is thinking of how freaked out Luke must have been to run headlong down a rock hillside. It gave me goosebumps cause I just imagined what kind of fear of night and death would make a person run blind.

A few things: I'm sure you've already gotten this before, and I know I've pointed it out in previous chapters, but there were just a lot of grammar spelling issues with this chapter. I'm sure you'll go back and edit, but I don't think it would hurt to get a beta or at least a second set of eyes to catch any spelling errors and things of that nature.

Now, I like Nick, he's a cool guy, but I'll admit I was surprised when he took Luke's board and rode it back into town. But, I might just be getting differing vibes from him, because when he was trying to find the footprints, I got this impression he was really serious. But then the mountain board thing... I don't know. :\ I'm confused about how seriously he takes himself, I guess? Or how seriously I need to take him. I mean, I get it's a fast ride and I have nothing personal against him doing it, it just means I kind of go back to square one of "I don't know what to think of Nick". This might honestly be his character and I'm just not used to it. Anyway, at this point I'll just be holding Nick at arm's length until I can get a better read on him.

The last thing I'd like to point out isn't too big, I don't think. But, I was just struck by all the things I've heard about doctors and their patients. Usually, family can't work on family. ._. There's that whole emotional bond thing, and maybe the doctor gets nervous and freezes or something. And yeah, Greg is actually Luke's step-dad, but from what I'm getting from previous chapters, Greg and Luke don't seem to share any animosity or anything like that. Of course, I also can't say if they're all that close, either.

I think your descriptions were good. I didn't feel like they were lacking. As for Luke's survival: I do think it might have been more probable if he had been wearing a helmet. I have no idea how fast he was falling, but it sounds pretty fast, and the hill was really steep. Plus, all those rocks... It's more surprising his skull isn't in bits and pieces. With a helmet, the worst he could get is a concussion.

Good read, just a few spelling things to work on. :)

funny story, so i started reviewing this and then realised i was about to fail physiology so i had to go study for that (just finished exams whee) came back here to review and it turns out that firefox saved the half review i had already written. boo yah! this was a memorable chapter anyway so this should not be difficult.

while i agree with other reviewers that the idea of a highschool party to introduce highschool characters is a bit cliche, i will say it didnt bother me. they /are/ in highschool afterall. what else would they be doing? i think it is an interesting setting to play with and i was actually interested to see how people would react!

i was a little surprised that people hate alice so much - but perhaps i just didnt go to this kind of a highschool. it makes me wonder what she could have done. i wouldnt think people thinking someone was a slut would be enough forthem to want her dead so vilolently. her disppasion about the hatred was also interesting - almost resigned. she's not even fighting it properly which fits with the way she's already looking forward to getting out of there.

i don't think much of the eddignton adults at the moment. i am bothered that they are more bothered that alice is kissing older men than they are about the fact that she got her face bashed into concrete (a fact that i somehow missed last chapter :/). i was completely on the side of the guy who wanted to sue the family for that - and kevin should be thrown into juvie for as long as possible, ugh. I also feel like they are a bit out of touch with reality - like the children are just something they have to handle/deal with but not things that are a part of them - whcih adds a little to the creepiness of this town. I dunno, i dont think i'd want to move here.

um. i think you're doing a good job of removing the nick colored rose glasses - much the same way you've been pulling back the lens on this town. there is a lot of ... disturbingness brimming under the surface and i enjoy the pace you're taking us at to unveil it.

anyway, im so sorry this took so long! really interesting story you have here! ill def be back to check out more of it!

SenatorBlitz/cybersheep

Okay. Saw that you wanted reviews on later chapters. Since you don’t have any for 11, I figured I’d just read up to there. :)

Some notes for the previous chapters though:
Chapter 4: Portia’s nice. I like how she’s not above the idea of showing off to her friends.

Chapter 5: Yeah, I really like how you take the traditional slut stereotype and give Alice a voice.

Chapter 6: Nah, I just think Nick’s under stress. He didn’t really seem like a worse character to me. I mean, a seventeen year old just tried to kiss him and he’s doing his job. I don’t like Gerard at all. I was with Benji when he said, “why would he bring it up if he initiated the kiss?” Like, hello? Right?

Chapter 7: I feel like Alice is an old soul. I can see Katie saying what she said. Granted, I spend very little time on FB, I can totally see the first three comments. The “kinky, go get some comment” is a bit too overtly sexual, I think. But idk, I bet there are people like that, I’m just neither real nor facebook friends with them.

Chapter 8: wow, how the heck did Alice and Luke manage to flunk English? And totally did not see the incest thing coming!

Chapter 9: Luke said “what happened to you” which makes it sound like his mother didn’t want the incest, but then he tells her that she could have just left with Dad. Hmm…

Chapter 10: Whoa totally did not see that! Nice use of contrast with the peaceful setting and the insane axe murderer. Seems right out of a horror movie.

Chapter 11: Aaaaannnd okay. The chapter I mean to review.

I love how all your characters have these random but interesting quirks. Like how Victor and Grace refuse to go out into the woods aka their backyard at night.

Ahaha, love “best kept facial hair”

Funny how they make a Norman Bates reference and Portia’s teaching horror novels. Confession: I had no idea who Norman Bates was either.

Okay, so on a technical note, it’s not that I think Luke’s survival is too much, but we go from Nick saying “we’ll have to see” not fast enough, to Luke getting away with a concussion and a broken ankle. Of course, Nick’s no doctor, but that’s what made me think Luke’s survival is a little too much, more than what actually happened to him, if that makes sense.

But yeah, this is awesome. Great pacing. Looking forward to more!

The Star Wars reference made my day.
I like your characters. Becca especially. She reminds me of one of my friends. This was a great first chapter.
The ending has me hooked. Can't wait to have time to read the next chapter.

Hey! I just got your review while I was reading this. I somehow must have read your mind. If you're wondering why I'm reviewing on here instead of your site, it's because for some reason your site isn't loading for me. I don't know if it's just my internet/server or if something might be down. Anyways, I wanted to bounce over to this for a chapter or two regardless.

Okay, so, there was one suggestion I had for this chapter that's kind of minor, so I'll go over that first before I get into your questions at the bottom. There was one sentence right after Alice falls into Nick Tate that starts with [If only he knew how amazing it felt...] where I thought you could maybe stay in the moment a little bit longer and even have Alice think back to a previous encounter between her and Nick, or maybe go a little more into how she has the hots for him. Not a whole lot, just a couple sentences probably. I thinking giving the reader some type of concrete example of her relationship with Nick (other than him pulling her over for a speeding ticket) will help solidify exactly what it is about him that draws her to him. So maybe he helped her in the past, or maybe he said a specific thing that really stuck with her. Something to sort of showcase their relationship, maybe. Or maybe even have a moment where he turns down her advances or something. I guess the reason I'm suggesting this is because I find her crush for him really fascinating, and I think it might be something fun to experiment with by diving a little more into it right from the get-go. I hope this makes sense, and if not, just let me know and I'll try to explain it a little bit better. :)

I really like Alice. I think you make her different from a typical "slut-like" stereotype (I feel really bad for even saying it like that, because I can't stand it when people call women who like sex "sluts" haha). She's also a popular girl that doesn't make me want to wring her neck, too, which is always a plus. Usually authors represent preppy teenagers in a way that I can't stand them, but Alice is a lot more laid back and just plain realistic in a way that doesn't grind on my nerves. Plus she uppercut that asshole Kevin for being a dick, which gives her a thumbs up from me. I also think she'll mesh well with the other characters, and I'm excited to see how the other narrators view her now that she's pulled into the story more. One of my favorite things when reading books with various POVs (first or third person) is just to see how the characters look at each other and how they think of each other.

I think I answered your second question in that paragraph above already. But no, I don't think she's a stereotypical slut - I don't even think she's a slut. Don't really care if she's still in high school, just because she kisses/fucks a few boys doesn't make her a slut (in my eyes). The only time I'd consider someone a slut is when they intentionally use sex to break up a relationship or manipulate people, and in that case, either men or women can be sluts.

My favorite narrator is probably still Nick. I had a soft spot for middle aged men who are interesting, not sure why. Which is also probably why Crowe is my favorite character in your other series, haha. Plus the uniform is nice. It's awesome reading about a police officer who isn't a dick - they always get so much flak in movies and stuff that it's nice to see them portrayed as decent people. Which is what I usually try to do with my own characters whenever they hold an authoritative job. His narration is also pretty playful, which is another characteristic I really enjoy. So yeah, Nick definitely gets the thumbs up from me. But who knows, it might change once I see more of the different narrators.

You really surprised me when Nick showed up to the party. I don't know why, but when Alice was saved by Kevin, Nick totally didn't even pop into my head until I saw his name. Which is funny because she was thinking about him just a few paragraphs before that, and after seeing him it makes total sense that he'd show up at a party that's starting to get out of a control (being a police dude and all), so I was pleasantly surprised by that. I don't know if it was your intention to surprise the reader, but you definitely did to me. xD

Can't wait to see more of this relationship between Alice and Nick. For some reason I feel like there's something between them that hasn't been revealed yet...like maybe Alice tried to seduce him in the past or something. x.x I have no idea. Looking forward to seeing what you have in store, though.

As always your writing is really entertaining. Their conversation about AP classes and college brought me back to the days, haha. I found it rally funny what Nick said about how he could have majored in English Lit and he would have gotten hired because of Edgington.

One detail I thought was really cool was how Nick said that everyone in the town called him Sheriff, eat Luke clearly refers to him, both out loud and in his head as “Chief Tate.” I thought that showed that he’s smarter/in other ways better and different than the others.

Also, Nick definitely wins cool points from me for doing such a thorough job of going with Luke to the woods to check for incriminating evidence even though he doesn’t really believe Luke all that much.

Oh good! Luke is aware of stranger danger. Better safe than sorry, right?

Damn, for a five year old, Riley is sassy haha.

One thing I just thought of. I remember Luke talking about tuition woes in the first chapter. Isn’t Colorado College a private college? How does he expect to afford that? If it’s a reach for him, I doubt he’ll get merit scholarships?

To answer your questions:
Yeah, as I’ve mentioned, I really like Nick and Luke’s interactions. I think it’s pretty natural, given their respective positions. I didn’t find Nick creepy at all. Even though Luke was wary of him when he offered to take him and the girls out for dinner, the impression I got off of him was that he was just trying to be friendly.

Also, he’s the chief of police and that’s a good guy role, right?

I like how Luke says only adults find him funny. It puts him on the same level as Nick. In the same vein, I like their conversation about Delacore, even if it was mutual bitching about her. I think having him and Luke connect on mutual teachers is a great way to bridge the age/position gap!

[he forced her face inches from his] I think the word choice “forced” is a little strong, especially because Nick seems to be a good guy. It makes the action feel like harassment rather than a good natured joke.

Oh yes. Pot legalization. Love how you milk the setting for all its worth. :D

That being said, one thing I was really curious about the diversity of its residents for a town of two thousand. Hey, I love to see representation of different races in a story, so in a way I love that you have people of Italian heritage, Hispanics, Armenians, Middle Easterns in your story. At the same time, this racial makeup seems more appropriate for an urban setting. In my experience, the smaller a town’s population, the less diverse its makeup. Granted, I don’t know anything about Colorado, but it might be something to think about.

I love Nick and Saud’s banter. It’s really hilarious. Especially love the talk about sushi. That was gold lol. I also like how smart Saud is.

As for Nick, hmm… I get that he’s trying to seriously do a good job being the police chief. I don’t think I know him well enough to like him better than Luke. I like that he has an adult perspective, but through his POV and his interactions with Luke and Becca, we can tell that he’s a younger guy. I think, he’s obviously not a teenager, but he hasn’t lost touch on what teenagers do.

His POV stayed pretty consistent to me. There were a lot of minor characters, but they were all memorable rather than overwhelming, I thought. I certainly hope Saud stays around!

Hey again! Great to hear from you. Sorry it took me so long to respond. Your reviews caught me in the midst of week. But now I’m free!

Love the cover, by the way.

[from his best friend, Becca's jeers] Minor grammar issue. The way you set this up, this sentence reads as if Becca’s jeers are his best friend instead of Becca herself. I suggest “the jeers of his best friend, Becca”

I love your characterization of Luke and Becca already. Their high school problems feel real, relatable, and/or believable, and that is so hard to find in young adult literature. Like, I really like the detail about how Luke was good at some of his classes, but in others, he wasn’t smart enough to be a teacher’s pet. I thought that was a really interesting way of putting it. Also (and this is probably because around this time a couple years ago I was deferred from my early action school, so I’m experiencing perennial bitterness haha), I really appreciate the fact that you name Colorado College (appropriate since they’re in state) and not some overused big name school.

Eeeeeewwwwww! It’s a woman?!

Great opening chapter. I love how you get the action started right away.

I like how you put readers in a nice lull with Luke thinking about colleges in the middle of nowhere, which usually gives off a quaint sleepy vibe that persists because Luke and Becca are currently in the middle of nowhere. And then BAM! There’s this guy gutting a woman.

I think, what would have made this scene stronger is if you describe the woman a bit. It could use a bit of gruesome, sensory imagery.

Other than that. You hit the ground running. Quite literally. :D

Great chapter! Very organic between Nick and Luke. Good character development. I liked Luke's Reagan/Kerry quip, particularly his observation that only adults think that's funny. That's a small gem that goes a long way to making the writing memorable.

Awesome. Some thoughts on this chapter: Nick himself is a townie, so it seems strange that he would describe the others as townies as well, at least to me. Maybe locals or something like that. Maybe he has his own word for them? Also, I was a little incredulous about his dismissal of Luke. Just my thoughts. I liked Saud the Saudi and Alice a lot. The minor characters worked well.

I noticed a few typos in this chapter, but nothing too severe. I think a good once over will catch them. I’d tell you what they were, but I don’t feel like typing them out. Did you notice that FictionPress doesn’t allow copy/paste anymore? Anyhow, I think you’ve normalized Luke well given his history with the town and his family. Him being worried about losing his virginity before college seems exactly the thing a teenage boy would be thinking about and it showcases him well.

So I absolutely love Luke now. I’m the other side of his soul, his kindled spirit. I LOVE Freddie Krueger! The Nightmare on Elmstreet’s are my guilty pleasure. I’ve purchased them on VHS and on DVD twice. The only good Fred Krueger though is Robert Englund. Montana’s choice of ‘The Boogeyman’ from A Nightmare Before Christmas made me like her a little more too. All very good choices, but those were the best answers, according to me.

Talk about a bomb drop. I’m glad we eventually found out some of Luke’s past. His parents were brother and sister then? I’ll be they were separated at birth…at least I hope that’s the case. I think it’s great character development for Portia to have her asking around town about look. Maybe she’s doing it to be a little nosy, but that’s not all it is. She’s showing that she cares about her students and wants them to achieve something. Unfortunately, this isn’t true for a lot of teachers these days. I know a handful of teachers that would go out of their way for students. It should really be more.

I think the way the kids dealt with Luke’s past was spot on. They acted by example from their parents and the parents never put a stop to it. I would have liked to know what type of ‘incest’ it was myself, so I’m sure Portia wants to know. I don’t think her reaction was immature or even unprofessional. She wants to know more about the town she’s living in and the kids she’ll be teaching. I think that’s doing leg work so that she’ll be able to help and better understand certain situations. For example, if she had known about Luke’s past would she have let the topic stray the way it did? No, probably not. I think she’s being responsible. Great chapter!

So, I just reread your summary and my prayers of Portia and Nick being together have (or at least are going to be) answered. Yay! Alice seems like a pretty smart character. I always hate how some writers depict characters that are perhaps a little more sexually ambiguous as morons. Even though, in Alice’s case, she’s not, but still, it’s how she’s perceived in the town. Honestly, it makes me feel bad for her. I didn’t mention it during the summer class chapter, but she was the one that had read all the books wasn’t she?

I don’t see how Alice’s parents couldn’t see the repercussion of making her work in the police station. I can see the rumors starting and things, reputation wise, going more down hill for Alice and Nick. I’m wondering if this person she’ll talk to is going to end up being Luke. I mentioned I do like friends turning more relationships, but I’m not opposed to Alice and Luke starting something. The more I see of Alice the more I like about her. Nice chapter!

Whoa! So that whole scene with Gerard making a face after Nick explained that Alice liked men has me curious. Isn’t he Alice’s uncle? Uh-oh. I wonder what’s behind that. Some haunting childhood for Alice or have I confused who exactly Gerard is? Is he not her uncle? Or maybe…Benji isn’t her father and her mother’s the hoe bag. This would explain why Gerard is working so close with the family and why he was more concerned with Alice than Benji himself. Maybe Benji even knows…My mind is wondering because if this is true why have him pose as the father. I’m hoping it’s my later assumption that the child molestation one.

I’m not sure what this bad side of Nick you’re talking about is. I think he had his hands tied in this situation. His employers obviously use their status in ways that undermine him so it’s only likely that Alice, the employers’ daughter would do the same thing. Kids, even teenagers, do what they see. Monkey see, monkey do. I think Alice working in the station is going to liven things up a little too. I would’ve liked to see how Nick felt about his ‘date’ with Portia. It was barely hinted on here, but I suppose with everything going on it makes sense that it was the last thing on his mind! On to the next chapter…