Reviews for The Nephilim's Virtues
Monty Mason chapter 1 . 8/7/2015
Hello,

Disclaimer: Some things in this review may come off as harsh but are not intended to do so, their purpose it so help you so please bear that in mind when reading it. I should also mention that since humor is subjective to each individual’s preference, you may see a few suggestions for it here.

So I felt like reading some humor, I’ve been in that mood lately and I decided to hit this story up. I realize this story is old but since it doesn’t have a complete status on it I’m guessing you might continue it. Hence I will go into the technicalities as well unlike your completed stories.

Wording suggestion:

Original line: […] appeared in my room and is bouncing up and down on my bed […]

Suggestion: […] appeared in my room and is {now} bouncing up and down on my bed […]

Introduction to Selphie is good and doesn’t beat around the bush, but her jumping up and down on the bet with a peace sign while funny, it could’ve been elevated by describing the facial expression she had on while pulling up the peace sign. Was her face totally stoic? Was it something telling us that this is something normal for her while creeping out the protagonist?

Wording:

Original line: OI OI! Someone will so get the wrong idea.

New line: OI OI! Someone will get the wrong idea.

Question: The line I just outlined above; is that line supposed to be an internal monologue or is the protagonist supposed to say it? To me it seems like it would make more sense if the protagonist actually says it.

That was a good setup to the seven deadly sins. Her response to his freak out not so, now something like “turkey testicles with mayonnaise” is phrasing that can easily fly over people’s heads.

The argument between Selphie and the protagonist while amusing failed to make me crack out into laughter. Reason is the back and forth talk is something I’ve seen multiple times, it’s predictable, again something like this is better aided by illustrations (like an actual manga). The bit about the angel being spontaneous as she was jumping on his bed was funny because it’s kind of different from the norm. The perverted jokes were sort of funny to, but didn’t hold much charm by the end of the chapter.

So what you can improve on:

1 – Characterization: Didn’t feel any real sense of character from the protagonist, he felt 2D as opposed to 3D (ones with really good and relatable characteristics). Selphie shows some character, that’s a good sign telling the readers that we can look forward to some form of development for her.

2 – World building: Short chapters are nice, but it would’ve been nice had there been a few lines dedicated to establishing the world. Not simply through dialog interaction but through descriptive details painting out a picture for the readers. Maybe show some political undertones between heaven’s inhabitants and the devils.

What you did well on:

1 – Pacing: The pacing is well executed for a short chapter. It never felt too fast or too slow when I was reading.

2 – Story: Story is interesting, sad though that your first chapter leaves off on sort of a cliff hanger. It would be interesting to see where you take this story from here, though should you continue I hope you’re able to avoid the paths these stories normally go down into to bring something fresh to the table.

3 – Writing: It is good for the most part barring a few suggestions here and there. It was easy to read, easy to follow and well formatted as far as understanding the story goes.

Now onto the comedy, after all this is a humor story. The opening segment to where the angel is in the protagonist’s room jumping on their bed made me kind of laugh. The follow ups though were kind of weak in comparison. They didn’t really leave me with that laugh out loud feeling as the comedy tends to fall into the trap of typical ecchi comedy. Those types are best accustomed with illustrations or more description to the writing.

For the comedy segments I feel there wasn’t enough detail to paint these two characters bickering with one another in my mind, it still felt like words on the web page to me. Again comedy is something that’s very difficult to get right and certain comedies in certain formats aren’t meant for everyone. Still this was a good read. I do hope you continue this as a side project potentially bringing something new to the table to stories of this nature.

If you’ve any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to PM me.

Kind regards,

~ Monty Mason
Daniel Kozaki chapter 1 . 5/14/2014
Peace sign... jumping on bed... "...IT WON'T FIT IN ME!" - for teaching the Virtues... right...
Ugh, 4 minutes wasted on those lines... XP

The Virtues...

Wat. O_O