Reviews for Perfect World Book One: Welcome to Lore
DevilPogoStick chapter 3 . 12/9/2015
Well...That ending is pretty creepy. Think about it, you got a bunch of kids in what seems to be a test of a game, it works well...Then something unexpected happens. That's pure fear for any parent.

I admit, you tend to have a pattern of making rather detestable people...Really detestable (like the one story where a bunch of jackass kids are cruel to a younger kid who just lost his father...I just don't care other than hoping someone would whip their asses). Neal is a minor case, as he's a spoiled brat who wants to show how high and mighty he is. Thankfully, it seems Gus took him down a peg or two, even if he still comes off as haughty.

Delilah on the other hand may as well be a cartoon character you love to hate. I thought Stanley may have been exaggerating as most stepparents have been placed to overcome a high bar of the parent they have replaced. But seeing Delilah in action made me question just what the Hell Stanley and Penelope saw in Delilah.

Not a point against you, just something I notice that bugs me a tad but I can understand the means to do so for the character's motives (such as Stanley's protective nature for his sister while keeping to himself).

Curtis is Curtis, nothing new but from the looks of things, he may step up the plate.

Keep it up!
DevilPogoStick chapter 2 . 12/9/2015
The cliffhanger got me, will read more when I can. lol How could you?

I'm beginning to wonder if there's something fishy about the fact these are kids in something...Rather complex that seems more or less dangerous if the tech is handled wrong.

Jesus, Neal annoys me. Who the Hell invited him? Something tells me he's...Gonna take an ass kicking soon. If Gus wasn't there to really call him out, I would have wanted to show up and smack the boy LOL

Keep it up!
DevilPogoStick chapter 1 . 12/9/2015
Okay, got some time at work to read the first chapter. This is looking neat of a set up.

We got Curtis, Stanley, and Penelope so far to follow it seems. Curtis seems to have a nice life with his father, as it looks like they got a loving relationship. While on one hand, Stanley and Penelope seem to have trouble (or what could be misunderstandings, we'll see) of their family life, seeing how this Deliah may either be a terrible person or the kids just don't like her. Regardless, it is enough for Stanley to run away.

The system actually sounds pretty impressive, what with the way to ensure that players will not die due to being too immersed with the game. While I admit it does sound complex (especially for kids), it's a nice twist.

However, I am a little surprised at the end, as it implies a lot of things about to befall to the players. Course, without that twist, it wouldn't be much of a tale, now would it? XD

Keep it up and I hope I'll check out more!
M1zz chapter 4 . 11/22/2015
I don't know...stuff happened in this chapter but a part of me feels like not too much happened. But I also think that this could have happened sooner, without us seeing the kids spend so long eating. Like...this ciuld have happened when Delilah first showed up (I still want to know how she knew they'd be there).

Yeah...that's the thing that sticks out the most to me about this particular chapter. I just think it could have happened sooner. Maybe if your chpaters were a tad longer. I'm not tok sure. Oh well.
Clear World chapter 9 . 11/22/2015
So I guess that's the reason for Jude's moviation. Not bad... but it does rasie a few questions. A few good curious questions like, "what is he planning with the kids?", "Why now?", and some bad questions like, "Why does he think he has to hide this information? I mean like, it's not even that bad of an ideal. I am sure there would be people that would adore this idea and would be willingly to do this." So I guess there is something else he plans so... yeah, some intruge in this story.

Though, I do have another question about this story, in regards to the nurtian system. They say they will only last up to 5-10 years, but the question is, WHY? Does the body just reject the nurtain system after those time period, because I assume they are able to 'RE-FILL' the system at some later point in time. How else were they planning on making this a thriving game?

Secondly about my question, so how long did it take to do the four earlier trail runs with those homeless people and how did "NO ONE NOTICED THIS?". This would at least take months to starve someone to death, assuming the nurtain system provided nothing. Is there like no procedure to check up on anything?

Personally, i think this has been probably your chapter so far in terms of story progression. I feel like this chapter has an actual impact. Sadly, the kids are still pretty uninteresting to me and the the things that occur in Lore is actually still what I view as the weaknest part. Hopefully that changes now that stuff actually seems like they are happening.

Though, do I notice that some of your bracket lines missing because the transitions are really jarring without it.
Sage Young chapter 1 . 11/21/2015
Huh, not a lot happened. Kinda felt like filler. A lot of foreshadowing though it's also vague in that regard.

As an introduction to the story it definitely left me wondering and curious, but also with no real impression to cling on. I'm curious for curiosity's sake, so to speak.

At least we get introduced to what I assume would make up the main cast. They didn't do anything to establish a strong enough impression of their character for me to either like or dislike them yet, though. As I said, a lot of vague areas despite reading to the end of chapter 1. Guess I would have liked more stuff happening?

I wonder if the parents/real world setting is gonna be an important aspect of the story or not? Will we be jumping back and forth between game and reality between the chapters?

As I mentioned, there's some foreshadowing with the final segment of the chapter. I can't help but wonder if this means Lore has somehow evolved into self-sustained world on its own or if the game is merely a gateway. Maybe the lady and the lavender-haired girl are merely npcs?

Short segments, minimal description and the constant jumping of perspectives made things feel fast. Too fast for the reader to properly establish a foothold in your story, in my opinion. Made things lose relevance or more difficult for them to stick in my mind.

Overall, a mediocre read, mostly due to not having an impression yet.
Darth Zannacross chapter 9 . 11/21/2015
Well, Jude is being crafty again, he wants to turn the kids bodies in to food? That's, creepy, the fact that Jude might all ready be dead makes him even more creepy.

Well, Jude's true agenda is the most interesting here so far so, looking forward to how it unfolds, and if he needs to be data drained lol.
M1zz chapter 3 . 11/20/2015
Huh. Kinda feel cheated a fight scene. And I still don't see much point to these scenes where the adults watch the kids in the game world.

Also...some of the stuff that's said in the dialogue should be like in the narration. Like the bit about Dolan Anderson. Like...when you first introduced Neal, I guess. Have something about Neal's expensive clothes and that he's the son of Dolan Anderson. Unless it's not too importnat.

Why doesn't Curtis's father have a name? If we're going to have these scenes then I think he should have a name.

" '...A few parents were still unsure of the explanation, but decided to remain quiet and let Miss Blake continue.' - So...why are they unsure? Does it mean their confused or something?

Again, how could Stanley and Penelope check in without a guardian? And Delilah is cartoonishly evil/terrible. Why does Stan and Penelope's father like her? Is it just cause she's beautiful? AND how did she know they were there? Oh, one more thing, why doesn't anyone care that she seems awful and just go back to their questions.

Why is Jude sneering?

What abilities did the other kids get? We only saw Neal get something, I think a small scene or sentence or something could be here saying Nami gave all the kids whatever they wanted.

The end is a good hook, but I still question 'how'.
cud-b-better chapter 4 . 11/20/2015
Well it has been a while since reading this and as a result I'm a little confused with some things. However, we've finally reached the trapped inside the game world with no way out. Making the game the children's reality. Now the question is what will happen if they die. And secondly just what is the motive for all this?
M1zz chapter 2 . 11/19/2015
Okay, so I've reviewed chapter one already but I really don't remember what happened in it so I'm going to review it again here and then get to this chapter.

So...chapter one is a bit simple. I do like hoe each section started with "Today's the day!" It's cute. Though I think it's weird that Curtis would wake up at 12:01 AM. Wouldn't he know that that is too early to go off an play a game? I also wonder where his father heard about this game from.

Stanley and Penelope's bit...well, idk. They're whole bit seems a bit cliche at the moment. Like, they have a terrible (abusive) step-mother and their father has fallen under his spell. Not too much there yet.

The nutrition system developed for the game is pretty funny to me. Like...something like that could be used in so many other places than a game, lol. Side note: Calling the character "Isaacs" and then "Jude" is a bit confusing. You should stay consistent.

So, the last section. " 'Yes, it's my pride and joy to explain such a complex system to a bunch of kids,' Jude added dryly." - So this confused me. Like...a parent is the one who asked about the nutrition system not a kid. So he'd be explaining it to the parents. Why did he say this other than to hammer in the fact that Isaacs thinks his work is wasted (I guess) on this game and these kids.

Also this bit: " 'What does this have to do with the safety of our kids?" the parent asked impatiently./'Ah, yes. I'm glad at least one of you cares,' Jude groaned." - They already asked this question and that's why he's explaining this in the first place!

So, right off the bat I just gotta say, it's weird to me that Stanley and Penelope are going to play this game before running away from home. Did they not need parents to actually get into the gaming studio or whatever you call it? That's a bit weird. Really weird actually.

The writing in both chapters is pretty simplistic and I feel like it's a bit detrimental to the story and characters. They all come off a bit flat to me and when Stanley and Curtis finally end up in Lore it description is a bit lacking. And...was Stanley going to stab Neal? Because that's the only thing I could think would actually show some kind of threat from Neal.

Why do you have the section with the parents and adult in here. It just tells us what we already know. Like, the kids not needing to exit the game to be able to eat and get nutrition while in the game. They explained that twice last chapter!

Why wasn't Gus introduced last chapter? I mean first this chapter seems to focus on Curtis and Stanley and then it shifts over to Gus and Neal, who's basically the antagonist.

All in all it's all pretty okay. It's an interesting story so far, I'm interested in Nami and her Queen and I can't wait to see how the game world works. Hopefully I'll get to read another chapter soon.
Darth Zannacross chapter 8 . 11/19/2015
Well, we start off with the adults bickering, which seems to lead to a figurative dead end. Meanwhile, the kids are training, and they clearly have ways to go. Well, Kain and Jill seem like they have potential.

Jude seems like he is playing his own game, but as long as the queen likes him few can interfere with the game. Meanwhile, we got a masked man, that should be fun.
Starart152 chapter 5 . 11/18/2015
This chapter was really interesting and showed that things are going to happen eventually. The monsters are about to strike.
Meanwhile, there are interesting things happening in the real world and especially with Jude who has his own agenda.
I like that your story has a link between the two worlds, the virtual and the real one at the same time instead of focusing only on one.
Clear World chapter 8 . 11/18/2015
...I think the title over hyped this game 'Lore' or at least for me it did. It is seriouly a run of the mill game so far. Actually, thinking for a second, game/virtual world is extremely disspointing. Everything I'm reading is really the same old same old you could find in any other game or MMO. Not only is there nothing about the virtual that really makes me, 'as a reader', be interested in knowing more about the game world or how it works (because it litteraly seems like a simulation of the world but with middle earth type magic).

The characters are decent, but I personally don't have much of an investment in any of them. Partially due to how character's point of views keep on changing and no 1 character really get a lot of screen time to really shine in any fanhsion that makes me want to like them. I'm not saying they are terrible or bad, it just, I personally like chapters that really deicate their time to show off the certain character to establied them so I can get a feel on how this character would react to a varity of situations. I can't say the characters are bad since half of them are kids, but the adults as a whole are just furstating to read.

I mean, how the heck they did ever reach BETA knowing they had to log people out in the same order they logged them in. This is basic game functions that should have been caught right in the beginning. Or the fact that there is negative side-effect when unplugging, or the fact that this very exact same issue arised during their trial period. HOW IN THE WORLD THEY DID EVEN REACHED BETA!? I am starting to think that all the adults were either brainwrash to ignore these glaring issues people are aware of or everything was kept underwrap and only 3 people were aware of anything.

Seeing how this story is tagged 'Sci-Fi', it actually irks me in how you take the time explain aspects of the things that make up the game, but in return, ignore how certain creations would have much larger scale impact in the world. It feels like, you made a bunch of 'inventions' just to have a certain story but had to ignore them because they weren't the story. And because of that, I really find so much of the story 'baffling' and 'irrating'. It's not dumb, but yet makes so many idiotic force story progression.

I know I shouldn't be ignoring the 'plot' of this story, but really, with all the inventions made in the story, the 'plot' feels really stupid. I really want to just turn off my brain and accept it for what it is, but then you keep on giving me 'intellgient' creations that they make, with actual attempted explantions on how they were created, and because of that, I can't see this story as being a dumb but fun story like Sword Art Online. This would be near a 'idiot plot' for me, but actually probably alings to an 'idiot lead up' because it's not the plot that's dumb. It's just everything I feel like I have to accept to make sense of how something like this happened in the way I'm being informed they happened. Once again, you have so many smart idea that the plot is just so stupid to want to read for me.

Was this litteraly a three man project when creating the game? How in the world did no one (not just the creators but everyone else who was interested or had tides to this) think that maybe the things they had to create just to make the game functional, was much more better than the game itself. The setting really doesn't deserve to treat this inventinos like they are special when no one in this world seems to act like these inventions are anything.

There is so much I want to nag on, though most of them are minor in comparison to what the actual story is. And the actual story isn't terrible, but it's not personally that strong for me. The kids aren't interesting. The grown ups are like the dumbest smart people I read in awhile (this include the bad guy even though I have no idea what his endgame is but don't really care). The NPCs are just NPCs to me (though I'm guess if I was to stick long enough, you would be able to convince me otherwise). And the story moves at a pace in which I feel like I'm already in filler ...somehow. It just feels like the chapters aren't really wroth it to me. Not enough meat, or substance. At the moment, I wouldn't consider wanting to read more of this story. It really doesn't fall under my taste and I'm probably sure that even if you have more chapters, I wouldn't bother reading it.

But I don't want end this like I'm just hating on your story. The writing is good, the pacing is well done (even parts feel uninteresting to me), and I do like your techo-babble (i probably like it too much which is part of the reason why I dislike your story overall). I'm sure a lot of other people does and would like this story. I'm just not one of them.
Darth Zannacross chapter 7 . 11/18/2015
And so now for the grand rescue, could have been grander I suppose, the enemies are quite self aware for video game baddies lol, or not.

Well, Judas seems like he will be interesting, trying to get the kids to stay in the game for one reason or another, we will see but, he does seem like quite the trickster.
Clear World chapter 4 . 11/17/2015
Oh no... something terrible has happened. Who did not see that coming? Audio gapsh. Sarcasticm. Though, on a upside, it's not a death battle.

Anyways, considering what happened in the last 3 chapters, I feel like you could this be a total of 2 chapters, removing a lot of the parents scenes, making it reach this important aspect a lot quicker since a lot before this feels like filler.

Anways, I think I have feelings for Neal now. Gus is an ass to him. Yay Gus being an ass to Neal. Neal should be the main character. I like Neal a lot now.

As for the actual story, I want to say I want more, but I don't really have much to want to latch on to. None of the characters are that well established in which I have any amount of attachement to. And all I can think about is about all these inventions, and questioning why it's a 'game'. The game aspect seeems to hope back everything they developled.
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