|Reviews for Apocalypse|
| Domus Vocis chapter 1 . 3/12/2014
I really like the personality of our main character, an the other characters that are pretty likeable. The setting for this seems pretty real, and I kinda wanna know more.
My only complaint is the inconsistent writing fonts, like how one moment it's in bold and the other times it's regular. But that's a nitpick in my opinion. Keep up the good work!
| majestic soul0827 chapter 1 . 2/23/2014
Very good where your this
| nevah-yks chapter 4 . 2/23/2014
Good chapter, update soon!
| GossamerSilverglow chapter 3 . 2/17/2014
“Again, Peter smelt that subtle smell he smelt in the apartment.” Too many smells or forms of it, maybe you could try something like this: “A familiar smell, similar to the one at the apartment…” or something like that. I wonder if this zombie is a used-to-be doctor, or if someone is experimenting on them. By ‘someone’ I mean doctors or the army. Experiments gone wrong can cause mutations which could be a plot thickening device later on. Hmm.
The principal (you’ve spelled it principle in this chapter too) threatening to call the police in the crisis they’re in was pretty funny. I don’t know if you intended it to be funny, but it was. It also makes readers aware that even though they know what’s going on, some people ie the principal, don’t understand how much of the SHTF situation they’re in. The principal is effin funny. “What, the phone is engaged?” I about died! “I got to know to know Alex…” you repeated ‘to know.’ I’m a little upset that the principal didn’t live. I’m looking forward to seeing where you’ll take this. It’s progressing nicely. Good job!
| GossamerSilverglow chapter 2 . 2/17/2014
I don’t understand the purpose of the bolding. At first I thought it was an interview thing, but then the set up in this chapter make it appear to be a story telling event of some sort. I don’t like the bolded sections for the main purpose of them being bolded. This is nothing towards your writing, just the what bolding does to the word. Hmm, I’m skeptical about pointing out certain spelling mistakes because I know things are spelled differently around the world, for example sometimes there is an ‘s’ in place of a ‘z’ or something. Anyhow I love SHTF scenarios and you make it seem pretty realistic with the mentions of FEMA and the CDC.
The comment Dr. Ashcroft made was interesting, but given the time and place seemed like it was unnecessary. The difference between these particular zombies and Voodoo zombies should be addressed at a later date. Especially since, maybe most people, even zombie fanatics, have never heard of Voodoo zombies with brain damage. I say ‘maybe most people’ because I’m not claiming to know if perhaps people have heard of these types of zombies. My point, is that I believe that information should be addressed and explained at a later time in the story, just a suggestion though.
I’m wondering why more people didn’t follow Joe’s thoughts of it being fake. They haven’t been outside and with the popularity of zombie shoot-em up games and movies, it would only be logical for them to doubt it. That’s why I’m not sure why Peter would start an argument so quickly after seeing the news (which doesn’t always mean absolute truth). Maybe Peter could have a feeling of it being as bad as they saw, but kind of shrug it off at first. I could see Peter going outside to check during class and then coming back all frantic to tell them it was all true kind of thing. Again, I’ve never written a zombie story, so all of these are just suggestions.
I’m a little confused, weren’t they quarantined at school? How are they leaving only twenty-minutes later? Or was just New York quarantined? I’m not sure I have a feel for the characters yet. Aside from Joe (and his moment of saying it was all fake) they all kind of feel the same at the moment. I’m sure you’ll flesh that out eventually. I did like the appearance of Zombie!Kid. I think it made the situation real. Good chapter!
| cybersheep chapter 1 . 2/17/2014
Hi! This is for the review game (easy fix). I’m going to review as I go.
So it seems like this is an interview transcript? In that case, the appearance of Peter seemed a bit of an unusual thing for a professional journalist to comment on in so much detail (e.g. ‘his ice blue eyes’ and ‘well developed muscle’). Nothing against that, if it’s part of their character – it’s sort of interesting that it’s less professional than you might expect, and makes you wonder at the sort of person the interviewer might be (the comments on appearance instantly makes me think girl, and possibly amateur, but ho hum :p).
‘despite the adult[s’]’ – wee apostrophe typo.
‘fired point blank into the kid[‘s] face’ – another lil typo
I really like the concept of this – it’s interesting to hear about the zombie apocalypse from the point of view of someone so young. Your descriptions are nice and clean too – I especially liked the part about the guy with the autopsy Y-cut :).
I agree that the jumping back and forth from the interview maybe made it a little harder to read for me – I think just because it was so frequent. If you maybe did one little bit of interview at the start, and then went into the past for the rest of the chapter, it might be a little nicer, but that’s just personal choice I think.
| GossamerSilverglow chapter 1 . 2/17/2014
For RG: EF (this is a little long for EF, sorry!)
First impression (without reading): The general layout i.e. the spaces between paragraphs is great, but the way you’ve chosen to bold the beginning hurt my eyes. I’m sure you have your reasons for choosing bold, but the giant section followed by basic fonts and then sentences of bold were very distracting.
Second impression (after reading the 1st half): However, I found myself intrigued once my eyes adjusted and I actually started to read the content. Your sentences flow well in the beginning paragraph and after I finished reading that first section I thought it might be an advertisement, which is why it was in bold, but the next paragraph threw me off. …So it’s an article depicting an interview? I would suggest making the bold sections into italics, which I suppose can be sometimes just as annoying as bold, but it’s easier on the eyes. The interview, once I figured out that’s what it was, was done well. It flowed smoothly and for the most part it stayed in the same tense (at least nothing jumped out at me indicating otherwise).
So this Martin guy (player of the ‘field’ and football) picks up another high schooler and puts him on his lap? Did I read that right? If I did, okay, well, not a common occurrence in high school. Anyhow I absolutely love reading stories about virus outbreaks. The way you’ve set this up it kind of seems like scenes from a movie as in it could be a movie. I do have a suggestion though it may slow down the events a little. I would suggest making the first chapter of Peter going through the day, waking up, talking to his parents, driving to school, and then the assembly. You kind of did that already, but the interview thing makes it feel like it should be the second chapter. I’m not saying scrap the interview, I just think it should go in the second chapter. Like make this first chapter normal ie normal school day, and end it with the assembly. Then chapter two can be the interviews and stuff…it’s just a suggestion of course. The way you’ve done it now isn’t bad.
Hmm, with all the zombie apocalypse and virus outbreak movies you’d think Peter would be a little more optimistic about his survival rate. Anyhow, your use of the word ‘barracks’ makes me think this interview is taking place long (ish) after the events, where as the school event was happening at the time. I fall back to my suggestion. I think it would help improve the formatting. Couple of spelling errors, the main one I noticed was principle, should be principal. The rest could be fixed pretty simply by a beta reader or you reading it over again. Anyhow, I’m definitely interested in continuing to read this. Off to the next chapter!
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 4 . 2/10/2014
I had to speed-read through this, because I'm in the middle of a paper, but I liked this chapter a lot :D I especially liked the political developments you mentioned in this chapter, because they convey this story with a sense of realism that I've rarely seen addressed otherwise. What struck me as particularly frightening was how you described the various news broadcasts through Peter’s eyes: it made the scenes seem even realer.
I enjoyed how you described the ‘landing scene’: just very clear writing, and fine details, even if the descriptions of the pilots’ corpses made me wince a bit (just made me a bit sad). I really enjoyed the hospital descriptions, because of how you interweaved them with the political consequences of the zombie outbreak.
I liked the dialogue! Kind of snappy and with a lot of banter, but I think it felt real. It definitely fit the tone of the chapter. The only thing I got confused by: I'm not sure why those brothers wanted to shot the person that one guy? Eh, but I might have to re-read that passage; still, you could have been a bit clearer there? But yeah, I might have to re-read :)
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 3 . 2/10/2014
I really like the plot of the story, because it seems authentic and realistic :D It's also truly frightening, because you don't shy away from describing the gore or the horror of such a situation (though I think you could find more refined ways to describe smell in the first paragraph: it's not a huge issue, but I felt you repeated that word 'smell' a few times too often). But no, really: the way you approach this story in such seriousness makes me really like it.
I especially liked the scene where you described how the principal snapped. I think the explanation you gave was very sound, and also gave the story a chilling, haunting note. There were other scenes, of course, that I enjoyed like the escape scene, where you described the corpses/zombies and focused on how Peter was terrified by that all. I also liked the scene where you revealed the source of the disease, even if Anastasia's accent annoyed me a bit (I'm not sure Russians have such a pronounced accent?). I'd really recommend not writing out the accent at all, but just saying that her vowels sound different or so.
Hmm, the action scene with the Hulk zombie was fun, because you're showing how Peter is growing as a fighter. I also like the sadness so evident in the interview transcripts.
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 2 . 2/10/2014
It's been a while since I last reviewed this, but the premise is just as much fun as it was back then: D I’ve only not been reviewing because you’re not really around in the games a lot.
First off, I really like how you tell this story, through a combination of first person POV and an interview extract: kind of creative, really fun to read and giving the reader to experience this story through a very personal approach. I really like how you characterise Peter, too; he’s definitely relatable, and I feel that, even in ‘modern day’, he’s still a fun-loving, brave and sort of humble young man who’s broken but not totally broken. I like that he’s retained his compassion.
I loved a lot of the description really, especially of the zombie kid because it was truly terrifying and heart-breaking; I really liked that you made clear that Peter was affected by killing that zombie, even if the action scene itself was very short and sweet (but I loved the last line about Peter’s father and extraordinary circumstances giving men the strength to fight).
I loved the whole conference scene, especially your description of the zombies as hunters who wouldn’t rest until their victims were dead/or they stopped moving themselves. It really drives point the home how deadly the creatures are, and how serious the situation is.
I was a bit iffy about the whole Joe is a Dad thing, and the family reunion scene because it seemed rushed and a bit weird, but eh, it’s a minor gripe XD. And I think it worked well as a plot device - it got the boys out of the school?
| harrisonmarks chapter 4 . 2/8/2014
WOW, how did I miss this story? Loving it
| nicoigh chapter 3 . 1/25/2014
Interesting idea for a story. I'm liking how the back story is being revealed through an interview with a survivor turned soldier. Now I'm awaiting the next chapter to see what the survivors do to survive the outbreak. What most people forget is that during the outbreak most weapons that they carry are going to be scavanged, either from corpses, Walkers, or abandoned vehicles. Also, as you mentioned, noise is a major factor as it acts like a dinner bell for Walkers. So swords or other melee weapons are usually the best bet. Swords require training in most instances, but when someone has an understanding of swordsmanship, they can make use of them. Also, they don't require a lot of muscular strength, unless its a claymore or broadsword. So a smaller person without a lot of body strength could easily be as effective as a muscular jock with a baseball bat. Just my thoughts of coure. I await the next chapter with bated breath.
| walls-have-ears chapter 3 . 1/16/2014
I like the structure of this, it's definitely something new, like, the interview sort of format. I think the characters and their reactions are also pretty realistic - I could almost see it play out as a movie in my head. Update soon!
| bookoverlords chapter 2 . 12/9/2013
WHERE DID YOU LEARN HOW TO WRITE?
the whole story was awesome. write more. your style of writing reminds me of Trackers by Patrick Carman
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 11/25/2013
Opening: It was a surprise to see a block of bolded text for the opening; a little discerning, but since there is also the regularly formatted text, I assume you're using it to separate the POVs. Content-wise, the way you set up the context in those first few paragraphs is very good: frank and giving us the bare details we need to build a sketch of this world and leaving the rest up to the interview.
Narrative/flow: I find that, while the initial block of bold flows more or less into the start of the interview because of the preamble, the questions thrown in are only that - questions, being answered. I think it would flow far better if you flipped back to the interview setting or stayed there entirely: show the interviewer as more than just a background voice but a character in and of himself - even if he is just a mouthpiece. As the bits not in bold sound like someone speaking anyway, I don't think it would make any changes to the way you've approached the fiction as a talk-show interview. The interviewer could be anyone, the way you've brought him out in those bold bits. It would also make the changes in scene flow better into each other, when we can tell more clearly where Peter is talking and where it is his memories.
Character: While I can't say anything about the interviewer's character, Peter comes across quite nicely, both in the present and the past. His voice suggests he's done things he's not proud of, other things that are too personal to mention. His morbid fascination and palatable fear are quite nicely orchestrated in the latter scene as well.
SPaG: The question the interviewer asks has no quotation marks nor speaker tags. Neither does the first scene's non-bolded parts, although the writing suggests that Peter is talking. Obvious or no, dialogue should still have dialogue tags - unless you're writing a play.
"The principle is calling an assemble" - "Principal" as opposed to "principle".
"I have the impression that there is more to this." - and then what? That sentence sounds rather incomplete.
"weren't bleeding-" - should be a dash, not a hyphen.
"Your right" - "You're".