|Reviews for Broken Souls|
| crazy lion chapter 14 . 8/9/2017
As you can see, today I have time, so I go on reviewing this story. It captures more and more my attention, and I love it so much!
I don't understand Amy. Okay, finding in a very sudden way that your daughter is lesbian is a shock, I can understand that. I mean, there are people who think it is not a problem, but for other it is, at least at the beginning. So, for me it would be not a problem (I have a friend who is lesbian and who has a girlfriend, and I accepted it, so I think that one day, when I'll have children, I think it would be easier for me to accept the fact that they are lesbian or gay, if they will be). For me it would be not so difficult, I think, even if I would have to, how can I say it? Get used to it, let's say. But even if for me it is so, for other people it isn't and they can't accept it. One of these ones is Amy. But there is a limit between being shocked and slapping your daughter and yelling at her. I don't accept her behaviour. She's violent, and this is not right. No one would have to be violent with another person, and it is unnatural that some parents are violent with their children. It is horrible and unacceptable.
Fortunately Kurt ran there in time. And yes, I think he has to bring his wife to the hospital. She can't treat Marissa like this. And Kurt has to thinl about the fact they have a little girl, Victoria, and or her, too, it is not good at all to see her mother throwing things, yelling, slapping... no, no! I think Kurt should have to take a decision, but quickly!
Justice was courageous. She ran back to help Marissa, but Kurt made the right thing saying her to go away. With his wife in that terrible mood, full or rage, the presence of Justice would have made things get worse.
I hate that Brianna watches Marissa and Justice every single time! I can't stand that girl. Why doesn't she think about her life, instead of ruining that of others?
Talking about the conversation between Justice and Marissa, I'm happy they are still together. I feared that, after what happened the night beore, they would have decided not to be a couple anymore.
Now I'm curious to know how things will go on, what will happen to Marissa's mother etc.
As usual, you wrote some very goodpassages, with a deep meaning, like that in which you said that Justice couldn't lose Marissa because she had lost so many people in her life.
| crazy lion chapter 13 . 8/9/2017
Amd now problems begin. :(
Brianna took a photo of the two and God knows what she want to do with them! She will surely ruin the Festival for both girls in a way or another.
And, my God, Amy found Marissa and Justice who were kissing! I didn't expect that. I expected that Marissa would have talked to her parents about Justice and their relationship in the future. Well, this is another big problem. Probably Amy will punish Marissa and I fear the two cannot see each other for a while.
I would be very, very, very, very sad if this happens. Poor Marissa and Justice!
You wrote a very romantic, and in the end sad, chapter Jennifer.
And about Kevin... I'm relieved Justice didn't accept his offer, but she has to tell him about the fact she's lesbian some time or another. Otherwise, that boy will go on having thoughts about hanging out with her.
| crazy lion chapter 12 . 8/9/2017
Wow! What a romantic chapter! I love it, really.
"For the first time in her life, she felt comfortable and accepted. Maybe she was meant to be in a relationship with a girl and maybe she was meant to be here in Newport. She felt like she made the biggest mistake in her life. Now, she was feeling like maybe she didn't. She did missed the big city lifestyle but being in a small town is good too."
I loved that Marissa and Justice could beave like a normal couple, and that Marissa finally felt she was accepted. It hasn't to be easy to live a lif in which you always feel uncomfortable and unaccepted for a thing or another, and the fact that, now, she feels different is fantastic and beautiful.
I also feel that the relationship between Marissa and Justice had an evolution in this chapter. Justice wanted to bring the other girl in a romantic place, as she said, and Marissa thought about sex in a different way, admitting to herself she would like to have sex with Justice.
The girl brought her in a beautiful place (okay, I'm repeating the word "beautiful" all over again, I know. Sorry). Seeing all the town from a tower has to be a very good experience. And when she said that the tower could be hers and Marissa's special place, my heart started to beat faster and fater. It was a very romantic thing, with a deep meaning for both.
And so, in the end, they had sex. I was pleased Marissa told to Justice that she was okay and that she trust her. It was another way to tell her how much she loved her. Since for Marissa this moment was so beautiful, it is like for her this washer first time. :)
Talking about Brianna, she obviously doesn't know that Debbie knows everything about Marissa and Justice. I think that Justice had to tell her mother about Brianna. Maybe the woman could have helped her daughter and Marissa if she knew. But I understand that, being a teenager, for Justice it is not easy to talk about certain things with her mother, mainly about what worries her.
The final lines which talked about Brianna made me anxious. I don't know what she wants to do, but it will be a bad thing, for sure. And this scares me.
It is not necessary to say this, because you know it, but I loved this chapter, too.
| crazy lion chapter 11 . 8/9/2017
I begin this review by citing a passage I liked a lot, and then I will analyze it and the rest of the chapter.
"Amy looked at both girls. She was glad that Marissa had adjusted to living in Newport, but then again, she wasn't too sure about Justice. They seemed really close and she was also worried. From what she knew about her daughter's past with friends, she always picked what she thought were the "bad ones." They were friends for her daughter for a little while and then something would happen and her daughter would be in her room, crying her eyes out and talking about how lonely she was. She was secretly hoping that her daughter would make at least one good friend and not be too shy.
Amy had a good day. She didn't have as many patients as she had and tomorrow she had a day off. Amy was getting to become afraid. She was scared of getting upset. Sometimes it would take one thing, one tiny little thing that would stress her out and then the next thing she knew, she would get into a mood and she would yell and scream at anyone and everyone. She didn't like not being in control of anything in her life and in her daily life, she had a routine. Anything that would disrupt her routine would throw her day and her life into turmoil."
Amy, as every mother of the world, is very worried about her daughter. She knows how Marissa suffered when she lost some friends. The woman seems always angry, but in truth she knows and she sees what happens, and she cares about her family. Marissa, however, doesn't seem to notice all of this. And I can understand her. I mean, with a mom who goes on yelling upon yelling, it hasn't to be easy for the girl to understand her. But she's worried about her mother. And also Amy is worried about her health. This is very good, because not always people who suffer from depression notice they have an illness. On the contrary, they think they are well. I hope the woman will be helped in the future, or that her husband will take her to a therapist. She needs one, absolutely. She's also very stressed because of everything she has to do at home and at work, and this doesn't help her at
Fortunately she accepted Marissa going to Debbie's house.
Debbie was very friendly and kind with her. She knows everything about theire relationship, so Marissa hasn't been embarrassed. You could have talked about what they said during dinner, but it's okay if you didn't.
David is worried about his sister, and when I heard that it seems that Brianna is going to prepare to do something to them, I was scared. I know it's a story, but I feel protaonists' emotions very easily. It always happens so to me when I like a story.
"She wasn't sure what she was going to do but there was no way she would let anything bad happen to Marissa, her family or Lexi. She loved these people too much to let anything happen to them. She would make sure of that."
Justice is very strong. She's angry with Brianna and she has just decided she will fight becuase she wants to protect Marissa, Lexi and her family. She's very courageous, but I think that every one would do the same. And probably even more if that person had a hard life like Justice did. Now that she found peace and she has a lover, she doesn't want to lose all of that. I don't know if I have to believe about those rumors David talked about. Sometimes rumors are jut what they are: rumors, so things who in the end are not true. But, because they concern Brianna... they can be true.
Well, i go on reading. I'm too curious now.
Another very good chapter, Jennifer!
| crazy lion chapter 10 . 8/9/2017
Justice is right about Brianna. She said the same things I think about her. And I was sure the girl was following the other three ones. It's like the wants to take revenge of them, and why? Only because Justice is popular and she's in love with a girl! Absurd. This is only absurd and stupid. I can't find other words to define this sort of thing. Some people are cruel because they like it, because they can't be diferent than that. I don't want to judge Brianna too soon, but from what I see about her, she's the kind of person I described: cruel because she likes to be so. I don't know... will she say to the entire school that Justice and Marissa are together? Ha she taken a photo of them when they didn't notice it? Well, no, this second ypothesisis not right. They could not notice something like that. Anyway, I don't know what Brianna will do, and I will go on reading to discover it. From a person like her, I can expect the cruelest things.
Talking about Lexi, I'm very happy about her and that guy. And she seems very affectionate to Marissa, she understoo that she is important for Justice and she accepted her.
Her and Marissa have been good with Justice because they told her the truth, and she's right: they have to tel her what will happen immediately.
Talking about other things, I'm very sorry about the situation Marissa lives at home. By the things you described, even if I'm not a doctor and I don't sufer by bipolar depression but by another form of this ilness, I think that yes, Amy could be bipolar. I hope her husband will notice it and that the woman will be cured.
Wow! Debbie wants to meet Marissa! Fantastic! And, I repeat what I surely told in chapter 8: Justice did the right thing being honest to her mother. I understand Marissa is nervous but I'm sure everything will be alright,
Another fantastic chapter, Jennifer! Good job!
| crazy lion chapter 9 . 8/9/2017
I'm here to continue reading and reviewing your story. i feared you deleted it since you made ita book, but fortunately I found it! I'm very happy about that. :)
Okay, let's begin then.
I'm impressed. I like so much your story because you talk about themes like a lesbian relationship in a very good way, with very deep thoughts about it, making the reader (or me, at least) think about things I wouldn't think about every day.
It's normal Justice asks herself those questions about Marissa's mother. Amy doesn't seem to be the kind of person who accepts a lesbian relationship, and not at all if it is between her daughter and another girl. This could create problems in the future, and Justice is very worried about that.
Beautiful the passage in which she thinks that she would like to be with Marissa in a place where no one could judge them.
Oh my God! What happened to Katie is terrible! Before those writings only because of a manga and then she risked to be burnet alive? It was... I can't find the words, really. It's shociking. And it's more shocking if I think that things like that happen in real life. I think Brianna is involved in that. But... have't the police discovered nothing about who burned Katie? I hope tou talked bout this in the future chapters. The crazy person who committed this atrocity must be
"For some reason, she felt safe around Marissa, she had some goodness about her like she can trust her with everything, the first time she started hanging around her, she told her that she was gay and Marissa didn't freak out or judge her, just accepted it and let her kiss her.
She wanted to hang with her, be with her in a personal way."
This passage isbeautiful, too. Justice and Marissa feel the same one to each other and are very sure about their feelings.
The conversation between Brianna and Marissa scared me. Or, better said, Brianna scared me. She can only scare people and say bad things about them. I hate people like her, who love to hurt other ones. Marissa was very upset and also scared about all the situation, and I think I would feel the same way i I would find myself in a situation like that.
Fortunately Lexi arrived and brought her away.
Now, I hope both irls will tell everything to Justice.
What can I say more? Well, the story is more and more interesting and I missed reading it.
I wanted to ask you if I could copy and paste this story in a file on my computer. I won't give it to anyone, I just would like to have the story on my PC so I can re-read it whenever I want. I asked your permission because I felt it was correct do do so.
| crazy lion chapter 8 . 3/1/2017
Okay, I definitely and completely and totally love this story! This chapter is amazing, Jennifer.
Here you have explained more about Justice's past and this is very good, so I understood better what she went trough. She has been lucky in a sense. I mean, there are children who go from foster family to foster family (once I heard about a little boy, he was seven and he changed 13 families before being adopted by a single mother. Thirtheen families! I can't even imagine how hard it has been for him). So, in this sense I say that Justice has been lucky. She has been with Debbie and her husband since she was three years old and she stayed with them. Sure, this doesn'tmean that she sufered for what happened to her mother, becaue obviously she did.
Debbie loves her so deeply. I loed the moments in which the woman remembered what had happended to Justice, or when she thought she hated seeing her cring. Her love for that girl, who will always be her child (because for every mother, biological, foster or adoptive it doesn't matter) all sons and daughters will always be their children, forever. I say it doesn't matter because adopted or biological children are sons or daughhters and have the same rights.
Yes, I almost cried reading those scenes. This is one of my favorite chapters of this story, for the moment.
You did well to write a chapter about Justice's past, her forste mother's feelings and about teir relationship. They love one each other so much!
Finally Justice talked to her mom about her sexual orientation. She did the right choice. I was sure that Debbie would have accepted it. She is her mother, she will always love her no matter what. And, even if I'm not a mom yet, I can understand Debbie's worries. Anyway, it's great that Marissa can go to visit
There are some little mistakes, in these sentences:
"Tomorrow will be different now that Debbie knows.
As Debbie closed the door after she said goodnight to Justice, she stood by Justice's door. She sighed. She had been worried about Justice before but now, she was even more worried. People in this town can be so cruel. People can hurt others in a way where some people cannot come back from."
There are some tenses' mistakes and a repetition, so, the correct sentences are:
"Tomorrow would had been be different now that Debbie knoew.
As Debbie closed the door after she said goodnight to Justice, she stood by her daughter's door. She sighed. She had been worried about Justice before but now, she was even more worried. People in that town could be so cruel. People can hurt others in a way where some people cannot come back from."
Yes, think this is more or less correct.
I hope I helped you.
| crazy lion chapter 7 . 3/1/2017
Wow, what a beautiful chapter! A few tenses' mistakes, but for the rest it is fantastic!
These lines almost made me cry:
"She wished she could be able to walk down the halls holding her hand, hugging her and kissing her in public. But she was beginning to think that it may not be possible. In the big city where her and her family came from, it was common to see open gay people and seeing them hold hands and talk freely about their relationships and their emotions.
Maybe she was jumping the gun about that one. Once she would start to feel comfortable in her new surroundings, and with Justice and Lexi she would be fine."
Marissa would like o kis her in public, but she is realistic and she knows that probably, in that little town, it will not be possible. So, the girl has a... dream, let's call it so, but on the other hand she knows she has to be realistic and this is sad. Yes, sad, because it is not right that, ecause of othe people, they cannot show that they love one each other. I mean, heterosexual couples do, so why gay or lesbian couples would haven't the right to do it? I don't understand people who have this kind of prejudice.
When you talked about the people's social status, which is high if they do something or low if they don't, you used present tense most of the time, but it should be in the past. When you have time, try to correct these mistakes, okay?
You described so well the basketball game that I couldn't stop reading. Do you play it or did you play it in the past, or have you informed about this game? Because, even though I don't know much about it, I think you described int in a very realiistic
Wow, when Justice impressed Marissa by winning the match, I was about to scream, but I didn't because I didn't wantt to frighten my brother XD.
Anyway, it is a good chapter, Jennifer. I liked it!
Oh, yes, Amy noticed that Marissa dn Justice are probably together. I am curious about what will happen next.
| crazy lion chapter 6 . 3/1/2017
I'm here again!
So, I think I didn't tell you something. It is a little strange when you write, for example: "In gym's class", or "later that day". Readers should understand it from the plot, there's no need to write it. This is a novel, not a piece of theater. It's not so right to write it.
I'm sorry, I had to tell you before. :(
Then, this sentences are not completely correct:
"Were they a couple? Are they in love with each other? How can two girls who are so different, and the same gender, can be in love? Can they still be friends and lovers at the same time?"
You should write them in the past, because the story is in the past. Sometimes you write in presente tense and this is a mistake.
So, the correct sentence is:
"Were they a couple? Were they in love with each other? How could two girls who were so different, and the same gender, be in love? Could they still be friends and lovers at the same time?"
I know what you meant, by saying that you follow your mind and heart when writing. As a writer I understand you and I know what that feeling is like. It is fantastic, right? But really, with tenses you have to be careful.
Then, regarding Justice's past, I think you told it too early. If I were her, I would have told Marissa about it a little later.
Despite these considerations about the story, Jennifer, the chapter is good. Finally Marissa has talked to Justice abou her doubts and things are now okay between the two. Justice is right: probably Lexi wants to protect her.
My heart began to beat faster and faster when I read about their kisses and about Mrissa saying that she loves Justice, but she doesn't know why. I'm a very sensitive person and reading this story I'm very emotional, let's say. I feel very strong emotions when the two girls are together, but also by reading other moments of their lives.
I didn't expect th Professor coming and seeing them kissing. It was a surprise, but you did well, I mean, it was right to talk about a scene in which they were... how can I say it? Discovered?Oh, I hate this word, it seems that they are doing something wrong or illegal... Well, you understand what I want to say, right? That the teacher has found out that they are in love. Surely she doesn't expect it, it will seem strange to her.
I want to know what is going to happen, so I'll fly to the next chapter. Yes, I wil fly. XD.
| crazy lion chapter 5 . 2/22/2017
Okay, so I noticed that there are a few mistakes in this chapter. I'm going to tell you what they are, hoping this will not annoy you.
The first is in this sentence:
"The second thing she noticed that there was a girl that seemed to be giving Justice a hard time."
I think it would be more correct if you wrote:
"The second thing she noticed was that..."
The second mistake is in:
"If they were, they need to be careful."
I think you wanted to write:
"they needed to be careful",
since the story is told in the past tense.
"Justice came around her before Justice could react."
In this sentence i didn't understand if you meant that justice came around another girl... you repeated two times the noun "Justice", so it is not clear.
By showing these mistakes, i don't want to hurt you or to criticize you. I really like this story and your writing style! I just wanted to help you improve. Okay?
Well, Justice is really good at basket. I don't understand Briana. What does she want? She seems very unfriendly. If she thinks that something is wrong with Justice, why doesn't she tell her? It is better to talk, in my opinion, to resolve whatever matters there are in life.
Maybe Briana has understood that Justice is lesbian? i don't know...
Andre and David are fantastic, they really love Justice and they are very friendly.
At the beginning I liked lexi, but when she told marissa to leave justice alone i didn't like her. I mean, I understand she is worried for Justice because she has had a difficult past and that Justice seems the perfect and happy girl, but in truth she isn't. Well, maybe she is happy now with her family, but given the fact that she had tese difficult experiences, it is obvious that her life has been touched a lot by them and that she suffered. i try to imagine and to understand this and maybe in a certain way I can understand Lexi's point of view, too, but I think she is exagerating a little. Marissa is a good girl, she won't hurt Justice! But Lexi doesn't know her so well, so she doesn't know this. I would have preferred if she had told her:
"You see, Justice has suffered a lot, so please, if you loveher and if you care about her, make her happy",
or Something like that.
"Marissa just stood there, shaking everywhere."
In this last sentence are summed up all Marissa's feelings. She is sad, she didn't expect this reaction by lexi and probably she is confused, she could think that she did the wrong thing talking to Justice... I don't know.
Now I'm more curious than ever! I'll read the next chapter.
You always know how to end chapters with a little of suspence, so readers continue wondering what will happen.
You describe very well all the emotions, as i previously told you. For example, in this chapter I felt whaat Marissa felt inside, mainly in the last part, when Lexi told her those things.
| crazy lion chapter 4 . 2/22/2017
Do you remember me? I'm Giulia. I reviewed this trory some time ago.
I'm sorry, i couldn't come before, I had university's exams and I had to study hard, and I have also been sick.
I missed this story a lot, honestly. I thought about it in these ays and, well, now i'm here.
Just a question: cn you tell me your name (if you want, onbviously)? I don't want you to feel obliged to tell me.
Okay, so let's start the real review.
I understand Marissa's father and, in part, her mother, too. I suffer fro depression and I know what it is really like. I think that her mother yells at her not because Justice is a bad girl (she is not!), but because many times when people suffer from this illness have particular behaviors, they behave in ways they wouldn't, if they weren't ill. Some react with more sadness, some others with anger. It depends. I think it is a subjective thing. Marissa's mother reacts in the second way, me in the first. I say so because I want to tell that I don't really know how it feels like to be so nervous and ill at the same time. it must bbe hard to live like this. But I know how depression can make a person feeling terribly sad, broken inside and yes, angry with herself and with the illness itself, and with... well, with the rest of the world, sometimes.
I hope that this personal reflection on depression hasn't annoyed you.
Marissa and Justice are fantastic together, but let's talk about Kurt. Hr is amazing and he likes Justice, he knows she is a good girl.
I'm happy Justice and Marissa have talked about those important things. Justice is right when she says that they will have sex only when they will be ready for it. And I agree with Marissa when she said:
""I just want my first time to be perfect"".
The two girls are slowly falling in love. Maybe, til now, they have been only attracted to each other, but I know that their feeling will be true love some day.
I continue reading.
And... another thing: I think you should make this story a book also if someone willl not like it. At least try to publish it, okay? If it is one of your desires, or dreams, I think you should follow your heart and do the right thing. If it will say t oyou you should try and publish, then, follow it.
| crazy lion chapter 2 . 12/28/2016
The day the two girls passed together was fantastic. They seem to be already good friends; and Justice had te courage to confss Marissa something she has never confessed to anyone. It is fantastic, I mean, not all girls would have the courage to do this, mainly with someone they don't really know well. Marissa has no problems with that and I knew it, because she seems not the kind of person to bother for it.
Despite the fact she is not so feminine, Justice seems a very sweet girl.
The description of their kiss was very emotional. It made me smile a lot. You write very well and you make the reader feel strong emotions, or at least, this is what I feel reading this story.
Marissa's mother is not totally wrong. I am not a mom, but I can understand her worries. Vut she exagerated calling her daughter so many times.
| crazy lion chapter 1 . 12/28/2016
Hello, i have just found your story. It is well written and the plot is very interesting.
I adore Marissa, her psychology, her shyness (it seems to me she is shy, but I might be wrong). Maybe she is so because she is in a new town, with a new scholl and all that.
Justice (what a beautiful name!) is friendly and she had had a difficult past, but she seems courageous and she is going on with her life. Her willingness to talk to Marissa made me smile. She was the only one interested in her, if I am not wrong. Marissa's school mates have been very bad ones, they could talk to her and tey did not. It was very impolite.
Victoria is very friendly and, like all kids, she wants to say something in all conversations! Kurt and Amy are very different. Amy, at te moment, is not friendly according to me, on the other hand Kurt is.
And he is right. tomorrow is another day and, who knows, Marissa and Justice could begin to talk.
I am going to read the next chapters.
| deadaccount42990492 chapter 1 . 2/15/2015
This is so good! I am so glad I decided to read it.
| LDF chapter 1 . 7/1/2014
Be careful with your tenses. It jumps from present and past within the same paragraph.
The first part feels a tad bit like filler. Starting with a character getting ready for the day is really boring to read unless there's a point to it, and there doesn't seem to be. The only item of importance is the circumstances with the move and having a domineering mother, either information that can be easily integrated into the narrative in a more fluid fashion.
[(Later on that day after school)]
Don't do this. It should be clear within the narration.
Mothers are favored very negatively in this story so far. You have Marissa and her passive father and dominating mother, and then Justice with her drug-addicted mother that Justice constantly pulls up as a comparison for not what to do. The comment about her mother being pregnant with her as a teenager sounds really scathing, and the implications seem to be that you're immediately worthless if you're a pregnant teen. At least Justice's adopted mother seems less negative so far.
Regardless, Justice's whole history is telling. Right at the start, I already know her family history, her personality, her dreams, and her status in school. All of this within two paragraphs. You need to slowly integrate this into the story by showing, and you have to think about what information is needed at the beginning, and what can be introduced later.
Dialogue tags weaken the narrative, especially if you overuse the same one over and over. It's better to use 'said' in most cases.