Reviews for Trapped in a Fairy Tale World (cancelled)
Phantasy's Apprentice chapter 15 . 6/22/2014
Well, I'm back! Sorry I couldn't review for a bit, I got hooked on Dark Souls and man was it good! Good to see that Red didn't join Lily's Loli harem. I bet it would be an awful experience for her. Gotta love Jack. He's the perfect comic relief for the gang. Akira got himself in trouble as usual. God, he's gonna need some MAJOR life insurance to survive the journey at this rate. I just noticed you used Devil Maker's design for Cinderella for Lily. That honestly disappoints me. Was hoping to see a red head Cinderella. Oh well. Might as well see where this goes. Anyways, good chapters. Hope to see more! Peace.
Lily Miichelle123 chapter 3 . 6/22/2014
Awesome so far! :)
Dark-Fire chapter 14 . 6/17/2014
And so, the tyranny of the Lolicon Vampire Gunslinger, Crimson Lily, has been defeated, and the village of Blackdead is restored to peace after 50 years of terror, all thanks to Red Blanchette's gunslinging abilities gained in 3 hours. The Fairy Tale World group (Like the Z-Fighters of Dragon Ball Z, this is what I'm calling the group that Akira, Red, Snow and Jack has formed) has left the village of Blackdead, and has set for another place in a vast forest - an ancient, crumbling castle... What will happen next? What mysteries lies in this particular castle? (Do you like the ominous summary?)

Oh, and it's a pleasure for providing your story with ideas. It's the only thing I'm good at.

Now...

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation Errors:

GRAMMAR - Since there is only 1 error that I noticed, here it is: In the first paragraph (the first sentence), you said something like "eliminated". I think you meant "illuminated". Other than that, your test scores are perfect; though, I haven't seen all the errors, but I'll send them in a review tomorrow. STATUS (To My Knowledge): Mostly 100%, but in grammar it is 99.9999%. Perfect, but only one mild error that I could see.

And now...

Ideas/Suggestions:

1) The castle within which the Fairy Tale World group enters is filled with hundreds of people, completely asleep.

Example Except:

"Why is there so many people asleep here? What's going on?" I asked, almost stepping over a bowl of soup that seemed to have fall on the floor.

"I think I know this place," Snow White said, poking her chin as if she was trying to remember. "Oh, now I know! This is the Kingdom of Borealis; ruled by the Royal Borealis Family! King Nathan, Queen Lucy, and Princess Aurora! She was a friend of mine while we were still young, but we were separated when my father and her father got into a deep argument that completely ended the cooperation between the two kingdoms."

2) Akira stumbles to the top room, where he finds a girl in an even deeper sleep than the people in the castle, which seemed almost impossible.

Example Excerpt:

"Huh? Who is-?!" I was pushed forward by something heavy, and fell right on top of the sleeping girl. I suddenly blushed as I realized that my lips had fallen on this girl's lips.

"Akira..." Red said behind me. I could feel a whole new level of rage directed at me, though more at the girl I fell on.

3) Akira discovers a whole new ability from his gauntlet - the ability to teleport himself from a vast distance. (I would like to call this the Gauntlet Teleportation Ability. And I would also like to call the gauntlet the Morphing Gauntlet.)

Example Excerpt:

"This... Is... Amazing!" I shouted, disappearing from my previous spot and re-appearing 20 yards away. I did the same process again and again. This really felt awesome! Then, I felt a movement in the bushy area behind me.

Conclusion of Review:

I have thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. I have a question for you: Could you perhaps possibly please introduce MOAR FANSERVICE into the story? Until next chapter!

Sincerely,

Dark-Fire (Reader's Thoughts: I hope to see what will happen next! Farewell!)
Mokii chapter 13 . 6/16/2014
Jack is just soo adorable! Even if he's pretty much oblivious to everything. Even if Akira thinks he's an idiot. He's probably one of my favorite characters so far

And darn, Akira had a knack for finding trouble...and ladies. But more importantly, trouble. Just realized that Akira has as much luck as Touma Kamijou from A Certain Magical Index, which is pretty bad xD

Also, I want to know more about this Crimson Lily. She seems like an interesting character, especially if she's more attracted to girls than boys. And hooray, Red's gonna learn how to gunsling! Now Snow White needs to learn how to fight...and learn how not to knock out in the middle of a desert xD

Update soon! Hope you get out of your writer's block!
Dark-Fire chapter 13 . 6/14/2014
This was an awesome new chapter, K-Man! I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Our little group stumbles upon a village that wildly resembles the Wild West of the United States. They are soon targeted by the gunslingers, and we discover new things: Jack is able to read a person's mind and quote what a person is going to say right before they say it; this village has bitter feelings for the western parts and all strangers to the point of attack; and finally, we find out that Crimson Lily - the Vampire Cowgirl Flower - dominates the Wild West village.

Ideas/Suggestions:

1. Akira finds out that Crimson Lily's favorite attack is shooting hardened chunks of flaming, acidic blood bullets out of her gun.

Example Excerpt:

I desperately swung my gauntlet, trying to cut the bullets before they reached me, but they seemed to move faster every second.

2. Crimson Lily tries to seduce Red Blanchette and Snow White because of her sexual taste in women.

(Can't add an example excerpt here, or I will freeze and shoot all my blood out of my nose.)

3. Later on, Akira and the group stumble upon Sleeping Beauty's kingdom.

Example Excerpt:

"Wow..." Red said in excitement, thumbing her revolvers. I was also astounded - the palace was so huge, my mind almost came crashing down.

Conclusion of Review:

Well, I hope you use these ideas. Bye! Until next chapter!

(Farewell! Good luck with writing the next one.)
Lily Miichelle123 chapter 2 . 6/5/2014
Awesome so far! keep it up!
Vamp712 chapter 12 . 6/3/2014
Good grammar, it flows nice, I don't see any spelling errors. A very interesting turn of events with their new partner and that Snow had lied about being able to come. I can't wait to read the next chapter and see what happens next. I'm curious that maybe Akira would make Snow go back or maybe go with him back to his world. There is a lot of what ifs with the cliffhanger, good job keeping your reader interested. I like your descriptive skills too, I can really picture Jack.
Phantasy's Apprentice chapter 12 . 6/1/2014
Well, somebody better pick up that phone, BECAUSE I F CKING CALLED IT! Snow White just gave Akira and Red a bad reputation for the rest of the journey.
Jack is a new addition to Akira's party, huh. I have a feeling his airheadedness will lead them into more trouble than they're in now. Hope Akira and Red clear that one up soon.
Also, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUM! Me like Snow White's traveling clothes! Can't wait to see the classic western showdown in this arc. Also, hoping that the Cinderella arc is after this one and I hope to see Greek myths in this, mostly Ares and Athena.
Mokii chapter 12 . 6/1/2014
_ Sorry for being so late! But anyways, these two chapters made me laugh. I suspected that Snow White didn't really get permission. And then you confirmed my hunch with the Avatar: The Last Airbender Reference xD

And is it just me or do I find Nimble kind of adorable, but kinda sketchy? It feels like he's hiding or lying about something. Speaking of that, Akira went from hero to zero xD

Update soon
Dark-Fire chapter 12 . 6/1/2014
Hello, K-Man! This was a very exciting and - "eventful" chapter. Lupin Dive? HAHAHA! Lord Akira? ROFL! Bunny OutfitBikini Outfit? MWAHAHAHA! *dies of blood loss from constant nosebleeds*

Ah. Now we see that Snow White wasn't being a very good girl... Not even getting permission to go on the journey!

And we have Jack Nimble - based off of the Pirate Luffy (One Piece), probably Spring-heeled Jack (of English folklore; the guy that jumped from rooftop to rooftop) and cowboys. I can just imagine the absolute chaos! ("Gum Gum Power: Activate! Draw!" - Just Had To Comment)

Now, some ideas:

1 Akira and the group meet with King Philip (who is very ill) and Queen Grimhilde. They decide to try and explain that the "Kidnapping of Snow White" was only a misunderstanding.

Example Excerpt:

"Father, I swear to you on the words of the Kingdom of Amnut and the Words of the Lord that Kita Akira and Red Blanchette have not kidnapped me! I have left of my own will with them!" Snow White argued with her father. It looked like steam was coming out of her ears at the uncharacteristic anger she was showing.

2 The group stumble upon Gatafar Village, far east from the previous village. In this village, they discover an old friend of Red Blanchette, called Jack. (Jack and the Beanstalk Story.)

Example Excerpt:

"Jack!" Red said, running towards the boy that was busy selling the horse to the old man. "Long time, no see!" A spark of jealousy flashed within me when I saw Red hugging Jack, but I didn't know why. I just decided to ignore it until later.

3 Akira gets to train with an old Monk King. (No particular fairy tale.)

Example Excerpt:

"You must be very untrained, young warrior," the monk said, pointing his staff at my throat. "How would you like if I could train you in the Ways of the Monk?"

4 Akira and the group stumble upon a Greek-like village, and have to fight off a powerful Guardian of the Village called Achilles. (Greek Mythology)

Example Excerpt:

"You shall not take one step further, traveler, unless you prove that you are not here to cause war. Now fight me and prove it!" The tall man wearing the bronze armor suddenly took out a huge spear and charged at me. I activated my gauntlet, getting ready for battle.

*Bonus Idea!* Akira, Red and Snow discover Golden Tails hiding in the woods they were traveling through, looking very injured and covered in soot with tears dripping down her eyes.

Example Excerpt:

"My village was attacked by rogue bandits! We were all overpowered, and many of the villagers have either been enslaved or killed! They took my own father!" Golden Tails said, her tears increasing. "I was the only one to escape the bandits' wrath! Please, help me! Their coming after me right now! I know it!" She fell into my arms, hugging me tightly and crying into my chest. I did my best to comfort her, but it didn't work.

Character Ideas (Add these to Akira's Harem):

Princess Aurora Borealis - Based off of Sleeping Beauty.

The Background: Princess Aurora is the daughter of King Robert Bruce (Based off of the Scottish King) and Queen Mary. She comes from the Kingdom of Birion, located far west of Anmut. She is a childhood friend of Princess Snow White. The day of her birth, she was cursed by an evil witch, but gladly the curse was at least weakened when The Three Light Witches placed a spell on her. The curse was: "On the day of her 15th birthday, Princess Aurora Borealis will be stung by a great magical spike, which will cause her to fall asleep and never awaken!" The spell was: "When Princess Aurora Borealis is stung, she must have the kiss of a loyal young man to awaken from her slumber 1 day after her stinging."

Appearance: Long gold hair with blue highlights, emerald green eyes, rosy cheeks and slightly tanned skin. She wears a long traditional sapphire blue dress that sparkles brightly.

Example Excerpt:

"Hello, travelers!" The young girl said to us, a small smile on her face. "I am Princess Aurora Borealis - the future of the Great Birion Kingdom! And I see my friend, Princess Snow White has traveled with you! Anyway, I never actually believed in that misunderstanding of how you kidnapped her a few days ago!" (Takes place after Akira and the group takes care of the misunderstanding.)

2 Cinderella - Based off of Cinderella.

The Background: Cinderella is the daughter of the late Sir Gerald Rose, member of the League of Knights in the Kingdom of Lunalia, and the late Isabelle Pond. After her mother died when she was only 3 years old, her father re-married Lady Circe, who already had 3 triplet daughters; Emma, Elizabeth and Amy. After her father died when she was six, Lady Circe was forced by the Royal Family to take guardianship over Cinderella. Ever since then, Cinderella had been treated as a maid by the Three Ugly Sisters and Evil Stepmother Circe, as she thought to call them.

Appearance: Long blond hair flowing down her back, pale skin, sapphire eyes a beautiful smile. She wears a white maid outfit with white gloves always on her hands.

"Hello..." Cinderella responded shyly to me, stepping back. A disapproving glare appeared on Circe's face which was directed at Snow White, right before she directed it on me. "Leave, you peasant, or I shall request of a knight to remove your head from your shoulders, no matter the blessing of King Philip the Fool." I tried to step forward, but I was stopped by Snow White who looked angered by the unpleasant insult to her father.

Conclusion:

Anyway, that is all I can add for now. Goodbye, K-Man!
Vamp712 chapter 11 . 5/28/2014
Nice chapter, its a good way to end your snow white part. The scenes are worded very nicely and flow. The actions of the queen still seen suspicious, almost giving you the feeling that she will be coming back into the story soon. Good cliffhanger to the conversation of Snow White and the maid on what she wants to tell Akira.
Phantasy's Apprentice chapter 11 . 5/23/2014
I have a strong feeling that Snow White didn't get permission from her father to go with them and snuck off when he wasn't looking. I've watched enough The Last Airbender to know that much. Ten bucks say the Queen takes advantage of that to kill Akira. On the side note, ON TO ANOTHER ARC! Can't wait see what's in store in Gunslinger! Ciao!
Dark-Fire chapter 11 . 5/23/2014
Hello, K-Man! I sincerely apologize for not having reviewed in such a long time, but my Internet privileges were banned because I had to study for my exams.

Anyway, these last few chapters have been very exciting! We discover that Akira has the ability to temporarily turn himself invisible, also being able to pass through walls like a ghost. What new abilities may Akira experience?

I was quite surprised to find out Snow would go with. It was a hunch ever since that preview you left.

Now, the "Snow White Arc" ends on a happy note, and we pass into the "Gunslinger Arc"! What could happen next?

Well, I have to stop here. Farewell, K-Man! Until next chapter!
SharpRevan chapter 10 . 5/20/2014
Great story. Now, I am pretty sure most of us know who the wizard will be.
Phantasy's Apprentice chapter 10 . 5/19/2014
Well, a certain someone is a little too impatient. I understand the need to go home, but seriously, he needs to take a break once in a while or he'll never get home. I'm surprise he didn't choke with all that food in his mouth. That was an admittedly weak speech. Oh noes! The doctor ain't happy with him leaving the infirmary! So he can faze through walls now... not bad. Hope for more.
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