|Reviews for Trapped in a Fairy Tale World (cancelled)|
| Dark-Fire chapter 8 . 4/27/2014
Hello, K-Man! It's a new chapter, and Akira, our weird protagonist, has defeated the Blood Golem of King Raishin! But now, he is scarred for life by seeing the (FUNNY!) death of Prince Charming. (The guy deserved it... His egotism is annoying!)
I know. Writer's Block is evil! The foul beast deserves to be run through with the Blade of Creativity!
Anyway, now that my Medieval-Speak rant is over, let's get to the Corrections!
Spelling - The only known spelling error that I could find in this chapter so far is weas, which should be was. It is in the 3rd paragraph, in case you have trouble finding it. It is the part where King Philip asks Prince Charming "Why weas he doing this?" I promise that if I find any other errors, I'll post them in another review tomorrow, maybe.
Grammar - Well, there is the part where you put swore instead of sworn in a certain sentence that needed to include the latter. It is in the 1st paragraph and it goes something like this: "...sworn it was it was..." That gets us to the double use of the words "it was". It may be a little distracting for a few people to stumble upon this conclusion, and it sort of mixes up the story for a few that can't stand it. There is also a part in the 2nd paragraph that goes like this (after a sentence by Akira): "...Shouted the figure..." The 's' in shouted, if I am correct, should not be capitalized. Otherwise, it would sound sort of like an uncompleted sentence. There's probably an explanation in the dictionary. If you have one, I'm sure you can understand. I sort of forgot my dictionary at school, so I won't be able to elaborate... If there were any others, I will eventually add them in another review that I may send tomorrow.
Punctuation - In the 1st paragraph, you may have added a symbol that didn't need to be there. It goes something like this: "...we' all turned and saw the gigantic monster..." The ' in "we'" should not actually be there, but it can if you intended for it to be there, which I doubt. There is also in the 2nd paragraph an error I found: In one sentence, you added "himself" with a comma after it before going on like you were starting a new sentence. I think you were intending to write an exclamation mark or a full-stop after it, instead of a comma. It would make a lot more sense to a few readers that are distracted by this slight error. This was also in a sentence by Prince Charming about King Raishin. There may be some errors left, so I will probably send a review with the remaining mistakes about tomorrow, or maybe a bit later. It really depends, though...
Quality - There's definitely been a lot of action throughout your story, and it's probably got those Battle-Lusting Readers up and excited as hell! You also have huge chunks of Birthday Suspense, and plenty of great made-up creatures in here! Where do you get the ideas for most of your creatures? Some of them remind me of a few Ancient Greek Mythology monsters. Don't really know their names now... Anyway, great job!
Quantity - You right sort of long chapters, but they are also a bit short. Hard to explain. Let's say it's equally long as it is short. It gives good vibes to readers, and it makes them anticipate what will happen next. You truly are a writing genius, K-Man. A good one, too. Awesome job!
Plot - So far, it goes something like this (In bland-speak): "Boy lands in a fairy-tale world. Boy meets lots of fairy-tail girls. Fights monsters." I could go on and on, but I'm too exhausted. I know, crappy grammar, but I don't really want to take a lot of time to explain it in full details. I tend to get lost on track, most of the time. Amazing job!
Ideas & Suggestions Submission Section:
1 After the 5 weeks of Akira's rest in the hospital, he finally manages to get out. When he goes to search for Red, he finds out that the entire castle is empty. (He is actually dreaming, just so you know.) Just then, he hears a dark voice go up around him, just as everything is covered in complete darkness...
"Young child... Have you done the deed? Have you successfully stolen the Blood of Althazar the Great?" The voice sounded like it belonged to an ancient creature that was even older than time, space and matter... Weird, because my science teacher told us that nothing existed before the "Big Boom" or whatever. Really strange how I could even detect that. Moving on...
"Yes, Lord Lucifer. Soon, as the time of the Bloody Moons occur, My Lord, I shall resurrect you and be your vessel, so that you may have revenge on those who had cast you out of the heavens and into these dark pitts!" Another voice, sounding like a kid about my age answered. I could only really see the color of the kid's eyes; dark crimson, like blood. It was like the kid was possessed or something. Though, he said something about Lord Lucifer, and something about pitts, Bloody Moons, a vessel and the heavens. What the hell is going on?
Just then, I was enveloped in a flash of bright light, and I heard a graceful voice enter my head, which was the last thing I heard before I awoke: "Prepare yourself." (Do with this idea whatever you want.)
2 Akira tells Red and Snow White about his weird dream, as both of their eyes had widened...
"Akira, Lucifer is the Devil! The Lord of Hell! The Damned Archangel of Heaven! Does this not sound familiar to you?! The only reason that you would have this dream is... Is..." Red widened her eyes suddenly, looking down.
"Is what?" I was curious. I finally knew who Lucifer was, but I wanted to know the reason why I would have such a dream.
"Someone - or something - was trying to contact you, Akira. Trying to relay a message through your dreams. The only way we can find that out is if we seek out The Clairvoyant Saint of the West - a very far way from here. Just to let you know, he lives in a place where people have crafted strange weapons capable of shooting balls of metal at high speeds, immediately being able to kill it's target."
"A gun?" I asked, my eyes widening further.
"Yes, I think. Or a gum. Don't really know, actually." Snow White responded, cupping her chin thoughtfully. It looked kind of cute, I must say. (This idea is a bit outdated. You can still use it, if you want.)
3 In their trip to the Wild West-like England place, they can meet another fairy-tale character; maybe she can be Cinderella, with a twist: She is a rogue, living on her own, and always has a bunch of revolvers. She ran away from her family at a young age because her dad had died and her step-family was treating her like dirt. She is wanted by several people across the land, not just because of her thievery and murder; but because of the power she had - the power to summon the Fairy Godmother, who could grant 1 wish to those who summon her.
"So, this Cinderella is wanted across this place for some reason other than thievery and murder?" I scratched the back of my head a bit, looking a bit confused. "Tell me what it is! I'd really like to know."
End of Review Ranting Section:
I will ask just this time; fanservice! F-A-N-S-E-R-V-I-C-E. You have some? Can you add some to your story? Please? Anyway, I have decided to give you a few rewards for your story:
FictionPress Best-Seller Novel Award
Action/Adventure Writing Award
and the Originality Peace Award! *confetti falls*
Congratulations! You have also won the new and improved, Guest Beta! (I don't have an account.) If you have anything you really need me to help you with, I will correct it/provide something for it/etc. Do you have Skype? I can communicate some ideas with you through there, and maybe beta some of your rough drafts for your story. If I can just get to have the bloody Skype work...
Anyway, that is all. See you next update! (Well, technically: "Review you next update!" but whatever.)
| Phantasy's Apprentice chapter 7 . 4/23/2014
Well, I smell a massacre coming up! Prince Charming is caught red handed and sh*ts about to go down! Seeing that Demons are now coming in and I'm hoping for some badassery to come about! I also hope to see a Demon (Doesn't matter if he/she is full or half) who is independent and wouldn't mind helping Akira a bit just to King Raisan. The cliche 'all Demons and Monsters are evil' thing will get old for me if that's what you're going for that. With the Beast from Beauty and the Beast as an exception since he's not evil.
And I have an idea for when you decide to introduce this independent ally.
"Who are you?" Akira demanded, glaring at the person before him. The stranger appeared human if you ignore the pointy ears, blood red Demonic eyes, and fangs.
"Who am I? Well, let's say I'm an unexpected stranger who likes to help whoever he feels like helping. And guess who the lucky kids are." The stranger replied, almost uncaring of Akira's hostility and Red's cautious stare.
"...Why? Why would a Demon help us? Aren't you with King Raisan's army?" Snow White asked.
"...No way. I rather die after what the bastard did to me." He growled, much to the confusion of the trio.
That's all I got for you. Good chapter! Wish it was longer.
| Mokii chapter 2 . 4/22/2014
x.x Didn't have time to read all of it, so I'll review the prologue and first chapter, then review the rest.
I really liked the prologue! It was short and sweet, but it got the story started rather nicely. I also liked how you made Kita believable with him being hungry and trying to contact his family. And Red! Brings back childhood memories of me reading 'Little Red Riding Hood'.
The only thing I would suggest is to check over your wording. Just some sentences sounded like they could've been phrased a tad better. But all in all, great story! :)
| Dark-Fire chapter 7 . 4/15/2014
Yay! You updated! Cool chapter! Hahahahaha! Akira running into a church only in his underwear?! Hilarious!
And thank you for using some of the ideas that I supplied to you. I have more ideas right here!
1 Raishin summons the Demon Horde, who all begins to attack all of Lutaria in a brutal fashion.
"Their coming in from the right!" A knight shouted from just outside, getting out his sword, and from what I can see, fighting a huge red lion thing with a scorpion tail spouting out acids at every moment. There was also huge balls of fire engulfing huge parts of Amnut, and distantly, the rest of Lutaria. I wish I could help them, but I am stuck with fighting Raishin and Charming.
2 When they go to that Wild West England place (as you said they would in your preview), you can have them fight a rogue cowboy called the Vampire Gun because of his ability to shoot bullets (compressed waves of his blood) that can break through anything.
"Hey, stop shooting at me with your blood!" I shouted, trying to jump out of the way of this huge bullet. Unfortunately for me, Snow White and Red Blanchette were busy with some "talk" (Them both having a crush on Akira, but he doesn't know that) far on the other side of the village. I couldn't go and ask for them to come help me. That would be completely reckless, and I don't want to let them be endangered.
3 At the end of this part of your story, you can have a cliche ending where we see a huge castle hidden by countless roots and trees. (Preview for Sleeping Beauty (Yes, it was an actual fairy tail before Disney ruined it.)) Also, did you know that Sleeping Beauty's name is Aurora, as in, Aurora Borealis?
That's about all I can provide with ideas. Until next update!
| Phantasy's Apprentice chapter 6 . 4/10/2014
Well, that was a good chapter! Prince Charming is as arrogant as I thought he was going to be. Not only that, but Snow White's stepmother is a real b(bleep)ch. I do have a question relating to Prince Charming. Let's see, in both Snow White and Cinderella, I believe he had both roles in those Fairy Tales as the prince they marry. So are there going to be two Prince Charmings or is there just one in this story. If so, I request you give Charming a brother, one that is the exact opposite of his arrogant and self-absorbed self for Cinderella. I do have other suggestions, but I'll give them to you a little later. Anyways, good chapter!
| Dark-Fire chapter 6 . 3/31/2014
Hey there, K-Man! Yeah, I know Writer's Block can be a hell of a *censored* (female dog). I'm even writing my own story that I am going to publish in real life, so I know how it is. Anyway, this chapter was great! Though, I won't be able to correct anything for you in this review. I'll probably send you the corrections sometime tomorrow.
I think that King Raishin is probably a demon in disguise, and Prince Charming is actually his son. And the thing about the Demon Horde? That's actually what gave it away to me! Nice job!
I expect to see the seven dwarves in action! Haha, that would be hilarious! Tiny little swords and shields! I can just imagine it!
OOPS! My inner-fanboy wants fanservice! *BOOM!*
Ideas/Suggestions (Including Sentence Examples):
1 Akira tries to tell Red Blanchette and Snow White about what he saw.
"And then I saw this red glow from Prince Charming's room, and when I went to go check what it was, I saw him wielding a mirror with what looked like a small gargoyle on top of it. I heard Prince Charming talk to the mirror, which freakily responded back. They were talking about invading Lutaria with their Demon Horde and controlling Hyperoth or something! And Prince Charming called the mirror King Raishin. Do you know who that is?" Akira stated/asked, nearly out of breath at his absurdly long ranting moment.
Both Red Blanchette and Snow White gasped at the mention of "King Raishin". "Akira... King Raishin is long dead. He was killed by the first king of Hyperoth centuries ago! He was the King of the Demon Horde, a powerful organization that had power beyond imagination - The Sky Crystal, the most powerful crystal in existence that can even destroy Hyperoth!" Snow White said.
2 A bit later on, the wedding finally begins.
Prince Charming smirked as he saw Snow White coming up the isle. She had decided to completely cover her face from view, since she was sobbing softly. She believed Akira, and knew that if Prince Charming married her, the entire Kingdom of Lutaria would fall under the strength of the Demon Horde. She was depending on Akira to object about the marriage soon.
That's about it. See you next update!
| Dark-Fire chapter 5 . 3/25/2014
I have more ideas for you:
When you ever use the Jack and the Beanstalk fairy tail in your story, you can have the possessions he steals from the Giant be both an overflowing amount of money and magical weapons that can enhance the user's muscle mass, strength, speed, power and attack velocity. Jack could follow Akira on his journey to make a wish of a place he can put all his money inside. He will serve as Akira's side-kick or something. An Arthur (from the Legends) can also travel with the group to wish for peace.
What do you think? And if you use the Arthurian Legends, you can make Excalibur almost invincible. You can give it different magical powers, and even have an enchantment on it that will keep Arthur from tapping into the restricted reserves of the blade's power.
Also, for the Snow White Arc: Prince Charming, along with the henchmen of Queen Grimhilde and the witch herself will once again baggage Snow White and send her off into the forest for the dwarves. Before that, Queen Grimhilde will try to kill King Philip by placing poison in his drink, but he'll eventually survive the phase. Also, later in this arc, you can have Akira detecting something wrong with the old woman that Grimhilde turned into, and will try to stop Snow White from eating the apple, with some help from Red Blanchette and Prince Kevin.
What do you think? Bye now!
| Xahhak'atar Kho'rkandha chapter 5 . 3/12/2014
All and all, it was a fun chapter to read.
| Dark-Fire chapter 5 . 3/12/2014
K-Man, I have new ideas for you that I hope you will use:
1 After you go through a bunch of the Fairy Tales, you can get to this point: Akira discovers about a tournament that will be held in the South-Eastern part of the Western Continent, and suddenly feeling to eager, he completely forgets about his quest.
"There's a- a tournament? Where?! What's it called?!" I screamed with an eagerness unknown to me.
"Yes. It's in the South-Eastern part of the Western Continent, and it is called the Hyperion Battle Tournament*. The prizes are 100,000 euros*, and a one way trip to the great wizard Merlin - the one we're searching for - and a free apprenticeship under him." Red replied, her eyes widening. "This is our chance! If we compete in that tournament, we can get you home in no time!"
"Yeah! Wait; when is it hosted?" I asked, the adrenaline pump suddenly leaving my veins.
"In two months."
"Two months?! How the heck are we gonna get there in two months?!"
*1 The Hyperion Battle Tournament is the most highest combat tournament in all of Hyperoth, and is hosted every year. Each time, it's whereabouts are changed. It's main location focused in this year is in the lower-right part of the Western Continent (Europe). (Note: You are free to use this idea whenever you want, really.)
*2 Since Europe is the western continent, and it's most famed currency is euros, that should be the currency of Hyperoth's Western Continent also. Though, it really is your choice which currency the folk of this world use. It could be knuts, sickles and galleons, it could be gold and silver, or it could be drachmas.
Oh, and the part about Merlin being the wizard? Well... That is only if you want him to be. If Merlin is the wizard, make him a bit like Master Roshi. That would be hilarious.
2 Akira attempts to name all the continents after the continents of Earth, and probably most of the countries.
"The Western Continent is Europe, the North-Western Continents are North America and South America, the Eastern Continent is Asia, the Southern Continent is Africa, that huge snowy place is Antarctica, and..." (Add whatever here you want.)
3 The inhabitants of Hyperoth are almost similar to Earth.
The Southern Continent actually HAS cannibals that feast on the inhabitants (Also, Egypt in this world will have crystal pyramids); the Eastern Continent is the second most technologically advanced continent in the world, even though they only use alchemy; the Western Continent is a Medieval Knights setting (like your story details); the North-Western Continents are a bit different: the Northern Continent there is the most technologically advanced continent in the world, in that they continue to combine science, alchemy, magic and technology together to form a higher power reserve. The Southern Continent in that area is still a bit slow, because the inhabitants still only use magic, but they also use alchemy to a lesser extent. And of course, Antarctica is inhabitable to all but the Yetis and Ice-Giants. There can also be an Atlantis-like place somewhere on Earth, if you want to, which will be inhabited by beings unknown to the rest of the world. (Maybe they could be highly advanced extraterrestrial beings from a different solar system that look similar in appearance to humans (or Hyperions), or they could be mermaid-like inhabitants. All up to you.)
4 Even later, there could be a war called Hyperion War V. It will be caused by the Big Bad (trope) of this series, whomever that is.
I have a very huge theory here. I think that Hyperoth is actually Earth, but it is an another plane of existence. That was the clue I got from the first chapter. I'm not telling you how or why. Though, since this is merely an estimation, it's probably not real. Feel free to skip over this.
Anyway, goodbye now. See ya next update!
Dark-Fire (With a little less length this time!)
| Phantasy's Apprentice chapter 5 . 3/11/2014
Well, that escalated quickly. I hope to see the rest of this scene in the next chapter. I'm one hundred percent pleased at this development. loved the FMA reference with Prince Kevin. Expecting him to pop up more. That and I'm expecting more Fairy Tales to come in this story! Bye-bye!
| Dark-Fire chapter 5 . 3/7/2014
Hello there, K-Man. I am sorry that I could not give you enough ideas for this chapter, but that's because when I wanted to send it to you, a lightning storm suddenly shut off our electricity for months on end! Again, I am sincerely sorry. I don't think this is one of your worst fictional projects; in fact, I'll go as far to say as this is one of the greatest stories I can still find on this site. It is in my Top 100 List of Greatest Fictional Tales from FictionPress. This is the 30th greatest one of them. Don't worry; even though you have 29 stories greater than yours, your story is still better than 70 of the other stories! You have nothing to fear. I say, when you are finished writing this story to the best of your capabilities, you should go to the nearest publishing company and make your fictional tale a best-seller! So far, your story is a FictionPress Best-Seller, and I'll even give you the greatest reward possible; The 21st Century FictionPress Review Reward! I will, from now on, send you reviews for every chapter you post! Though, I think the reason why some people get uninterested with your story is because of the amount of time it takes you to post a chapter. Yes, I know there's been a recent increase of children going to school and working, but... Some people are just too dumb to realize that. (You know who you are, Dumb People!)
Now, since I can tell you need ideas for your story immediately, please look at the list below:
1 Jack and the Beanstalk: The ideas for this is that Red Blanchette and Jack Beans are both child-hood friends, but were separated after Jack's father died of an unknown disease. Akira and Red travel back to Jack's village, where they find out that Jack and his mother are very poor, and can barely afford food or water. It goes almost around the same tale, but this time, Akira and Red try and help Jack steal the golden coins, the harp and the chicken that lays the golden eggs. Akira then tries to take on the giant, but staying true to the original story, Jack is the one that cuts down the whole beanstalk. The other Giants manage to escape, and are on a friendly basis with the people of Jack's village.
2 Aladdin: You thought that this was only a Disney tale, eh? Well, it was actually a normal fairy-tail, until Disney came along and butchered it up to what it is today. Akira and Red, with the help of Jack, all travel to Aladdin's kingdom and get mixed into the whole mess. You, being a very talented author, can fit a perfect few chapters into this idea. I lost the ideas, and it won't be coming back to me any time soon.
3 King Arthur and Excalibur: Akira and Red travel to King Arthur's kingdom, where they meet the 14-year-old heir to the throne of Arthuria; Prince Arthur III. (He is the son of King Arthur from the Arthurian legends.)
4 Sleeping Beauty: The same old story, with the one who awakens the princess with a kiss being Akira. (Accidentally, though; he was pushed by Red 'playfully'.)
That is all the ideas I have. And I saw that a reviewer below commented about my whole 'incorrection' thing; sorry about that. I didn't really have the dictionary with me. I will correct myself from now on. Thanks for telling me about that little tid-bit of information, if of course, you were referring to me. Seeing as I was the only one using that term, I deduced that you were talking to me.
Anyway, onto the Corrections Section (Now not negatively affected by any sort of error, I hope...)
1 Spelling: Since I did not notice any error in this chapter, even after triple-checking, I'd say there are no errors. But, since I need glasses to see properly, and their always so blurry, even though I wash it at least 5 times a day, I'm not really sure. Just to be safe, I'll give you 99%. If there are any readers who can see properly, you could probably point it out to the author. Error Status: 1%. (Only to be safe.)
2 Grammar: Not really any error this chapter, but yet again, I can't be so sure. I'll give you 99%, to be safe. Error Status: 1%.
3 Quality: There is a great amount of quality in your story; character development, just the needed amount of action, character flaws (These are needed, because if there are no flaws, then it's possible the character could be a Mary Sue/Gary Stu), and, of course, comic-relief. I'll give you a pat on the back and a whooping 100% for this. Error Status: 0%.
4 Quantity: There is a certain amount of words in each chapter, which is awesome, but... Some chapters are longer than others, as a reviewer below commented. It's not a cause for any major concern, but... Certain people act like they have OCD and complain if all the chapters do not have the same amount of words or length. (Obviously Death the Kid fans, most of the time.) They can detect if there is even one syllable more than the other chapters. I am not pointing figurative fingers at anyone, but I am just stating what happens. Here's a whooping 99% points for this chapter. Error Status: 1%.
5 Plot: Amazing. There are no plot-holes that I can detect so far, so I'll give you about 100% for this chapter's boost of the plot. Error Status: 0%.
6 Humor/Comic-Relief: There is a healthy amount of both in your story. I sincerely applaud you because of your magnificence. Here is a gigantic 100% points. Error Status: 0%.
Q.1: Is the great wizard that Akira and Red are traveling to Merlin? (You do not need to answer this question immediately. You can do it later in the story, if you absolutely want to answer it at all.)
(This is the only question I have for now...)
Here, you can ask me any questions you want, as long as it concerns your story. You can ask for more ideas, suggestions, plot devices, etc., and I will gladly give them to you. There will be answers for every question you ask me next chapter's review, if you indeed want or need to ask me something.
Please, Oh Great K-Man, please inject some of that awesome fanservice into your story! Whether it comes in the form of a shower scene, or a cat-fight, I will accept it, and so will my proudly bleeding nose.
End of Review Rant:
Update! Update! Update! Keep on posting those chapters like wild rabbits!
Now, this review was very long, so I have to conclude it. Goodbye until your next update!
| Xahhak'atar Kho'rkandha chapter 4 . 2/23/2014
This was very creative and well-written. The only problem was that it was too long unless you wanted it to be like a movie compared to the first two chapters being like episodes. If not, you should have split this into two chapters.
You don't have to. I have a short attention span and don't like to read much, but at the same time, I know I'm not all people.
As someone who loves to fill his stories with plot twists, I have many theories of what might happen next.
| Xahhak'atar Kho'rkandha chapter 3 . 2/23/2014
It was very creative. I liked it! I can tell you will like my story because parts of this kind of reminded me of it. I'm sorry if I sound too arrogant when I keep talking about my story.
| Xahhak'atar Kho'rkandha chapter 2 . 2/23/2014
Your stories have very detailed descriptions. Mine used to be that way, but in the one I'm currently writing, I'm focusing more on my character's thoughts. I look forward to seeing your version of more fairy tales.
| NoWhere ManX chapter 1 . 2/13/2014
Just wanted to point out that:
Incorrection definition: Lack of correction, restraint, or discipline.
"The corrections department, or jail, is the legal way of dealing with incorrections or criminals."
Incorrect definition: Not correct; erroneous or wrong.
"That reviewer is stating incorrect information."
Both of these words don't mean the same thing. Which is why you get errors when writing it.