|Reviews for Melamin (私の愛)|
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 18 . 4/8/2017
No comment on the author's note. And I have a long reading list, so please forgive me if I don't reread the story.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 17 . 4/8/2017
This came a little too late, and seemed more like a hasty attempt to cover up the problems and flaws with the story. It's like you realized that the points I raised before I ever wrote them, and then quickly tried to think of a way to address them. Oh yeah, Astald has a noble goal, but he's been corrupted by Huine and thus his means and execution were perverted by those darkness.
Funnily enough Huine didn't seem like a bad god to me, sparing Kensui and the others, whereas Astald went around murdering people. Uh...okay.
Still, this is a good prequel, and I like the first part. The second part was just...lame. The rock worms came out of nowhere, i mean they never appeared in the main story. And he just listened to some random guy, Greivor, on accepting the power of the gods without any skepticism. Are you willing to sell your soul? Yeah, he is, but that doesn't mean he's stupid enough to just accept any damned offer from a guy out of nowhere and drink an unknown fluid?!
You would think he would be less naive and trusting of people after the incident with the elf king and whatnot.
I do like the romance between Astald and Alasse. I wish that could have been developed a lot more. It was good. It would actually have made a great story in of itself. What a waste, but there was lots of great potential there that would have surpassed the main story and made Astald's fall all the more tragic.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 16 . 4/8/2017
I kind of understand what you're going for, but it was still cringeworthy to read all the people shouting their support at the end. Well, it happens all the time in anime, so I'll give you a pass on that. And I kind of understand why Astald made the pact with the chaos god without realizing who he is, but I stand by what I said when I said that chaos god came out of nowhere.
Sealed before time itself? By who? And if that's the case, why would the elves know about it?
The fight scene was...a bit weird. That's just me not liking one-sided fight scenes. And then Melamin and Kensui pulls that golden beam out of their ass and obliterate a god. Yeah, a god that existed before time itself, apparently. Most people will call bullshit on this, but whatever. The whole drama thing was not needed, in my opinion. And Huine deciding to suddenly...uh, spare Kensui's life was just so random. "Go back and spend whatever little time you have with your family." That was kind of funny, coming from a dark, chaos god who's supposed to destroy the world. But whatever, we need Kensui to be alive to pull that BS stunt at the very end.
Maybe I'm still unable to come to terms with the sudden change in genre, which turned from romantic comedy into an action series (like Magister Negi or whatever you call that series), but I can't say I like the sudden switch. It just felt incoherent, inconsistent, like two completely, different separate stories haphazardly sewn and joined together. For the majority of the first part, the Elven Star was ignored in favor of romance, and then suddenly it becomes this pivotal piece, and the antisocial Kensui suddenly becomes a guy who can obliterate gods with their wives.
One thing I'll say though - I love happy endings. So yay. I felt good at the end when I saw the happy ending, so you did well there. May everyone be happy!
And damn...bring Harumi back to life? That was so naive. Countless people die everyday. You might as well ask the Elven Star to bring all of them back to life.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 15 . 4/8/2017
One ridiculous thing after another...I'm sorry.
Okay, I get that you're trying to make Astald a deeper, more multi-dimensional character by giving him noble goals and whatnot, but seriously, you just made his character inconsistent and nonsensical. Yes, the goals are truly noble, but it's hard to sympathize with him and believe him when he goes all "I'm going to be king in order to save the drow!" when he murders left and right, kills the poor dude who annulled the marriage the previous chapter all because he...uh "outlived his usefulness", played around with Sakura's feelings, make cruel comments like killing Melamin after marrying her and dumping her on Kensui's grave, etc. etc. No, if someone has a noble goal, why the hell is he acting like a villain and committing all those atrocities? It's unbelievable as U.D. from Deathtopia when the author suddenly did a 180 and attempted to justify his cruelty (he wants to save Tokyo from whatever, but who and what exactly is he saving when he goes around murdering people in the first place?!).
It just doesn't work that way. I'm sorry to say, but it really doesn't. If you wanted him to have a more noble goal and be more sympathetic, you need to have his actions be more aligned with that, not have him act like the cliched, typical evil cruel villain for the majority of the story, only to do a 180 and reveal his so-called noble intentions. Right now, I'm more inclined to think that he's lying through his teeth (and why not? He's been lying throughout the whole story) than sympathize with him.
That's just me though.
And the icing of the cake was when he turns into the Dark God of Chaos, Huine. Would a person with the noble goal of saving the Drow do that? Absolutely not. It just feels more like you forced a RPG trope into here - we killed the final boss! No, whoops, that wasn't the true villain, we have the real final boss showing up now! It just...doesn't make sense.
The positive side is that, well, you have a good fight scene, and you at least tried to add more dimensions to an otherwise flat and shallow villain. The execution wasn't exactly good to say the least, but your efforts are laudable.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 14 . 4/8/2017
Your fight scenes are cool, but they leave a bit to be desired. I mean, the way the characters won felt like...I dunno, asspulls. I mean, Ushio, for example, just felt weird, the way she was dominated for so long, only for her to suddenly kill her foe with two spells. Satomu's duel felt a lot better, but I think that was because it was simpler and brawling was great. Kalina was a bit decent, but Kensui's was weird, and anticlimatic to say the least.
Speaking of which, I found it funny that Kensui, who wiped out thousands of demons in the last chapter, would have trouble fighting against 4 generals. Hell, how is it that Kensui, Ushio and Satomu, who didn't have any prior training to using their magic or combat experience, could actually overcome 4 veteran generals? Never mind Kensui's god mode moment last chapter, but the series just turned from a romantic comedy into an action story all of a sudden, and a lot of the changes don't make sense. Especially Kensui's change in character. Whatever happened to the whole antisocial thing at the beginning? I thought it was to get him out of the shell, which you did, but then BOOM! Now he's a dark antihero who threatens kings, whines and yells at people, and razes armies and defeat a demon general.
I also found it hilarious that he was running forever, only to be out of energy and juice when a single explosion strikes him, only for him to conveniently recharge by a green light of magic. Wow. That was just so...deus ex machina, if I'm using the term correctly.
Well, the fight scenes were mostly cool (except Ushio's and Kensui's) so it's not all bad and you have those going in your favor. Shouldn't you have written an action story from the start?
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 13 . 4/8/2017
This chapter is a little...unbelievable. Kensui's sudden change in character is way...too abrupt. I mean, he went from being a "normal" unsocial guy into an dark antihero who threatens kings, whine like a brat when people doesn't get things done (I hate those kind of bosses the most, if you think you're so good why don't you go recon yourself?), and then he basically stomps down toward the enemy and eliminate a entire demonic army? Did he just freaking destroy hundreds aand thousands of demons with just ONE attack?!
Uh, dude, what did you just do to your story?
I can't say I like the whole damsel of distress that Melamin is becoming. I kind of got weird vibes of Asuna from Sword Art Online being imprisoned in a cage, but that's just me. I wish she would be more, I don't know, proactive rather than just say, "Oh, Kensui will definitely come for me! I'll just wait here to be rescued!" I'm not sure if I like her being that passive, but that's just me.
However, the Kensui destroying an antire army of demons with one attack (did you just turn him into god mode Kensui?) was just...I'm sorry, but I don't think that's how character development should work. Prior to this he had never displayed powers of such magnitude. I mean, he killed the 2 goblins, which is cool, but jumping to razing an entire army in the next few chapters is going too far.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 12 . 4/4/2017
It's 4.30am so forgive me if I sound a bit cranky.
I think the plot is moving on pretty well, your story is good as always, your writing style is excellent, and you pull off the drama pretty well. I've to admit, i found the drama incredibly cheesy, and the sight of Kensui mopping around in nothing in his boxers pissed me off (could also be that I'm reading this at 4.30am in the morning after finishing studying and other work), and it was almost unbelievable for him to suddenly jump up and revive to help Mela. I mean, sure, he loves her and all, but the switch was so abrupt it was almost unbelievable.
Still, everyone loves the old wedding crasher to save your loved one cliche. I love it too, and it's a great cliche, so I'm not using the term negatively here. Yay, well played. But that Astald thing was kind of lame, if you ask me, snapping and teleporting poor Mela was a bit...weird. He should have just done that from the start instead of going through with the whole wedding process and waiting 50 years. But whatever, that isn't important.
I guess nice twist with Kensui being a descendant of an elven prince or something, so cool. Not that the lack of elven ancestry would have stopped him from taking Melamin back anyway, so I wonder if it's really necessary, it felt like a cheap way to justify his marriage to the king and queen, instead of him actually earning their respect and acknowledgement. But that's just me.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 11 . 4/1/2017
That was...funny. Well, you did say the cliches are there for a reason, so in that manner you succeeded. It was hilarious, especially the part where the parents just dropped in, snatched up Melamin, and teleported away. Poor Kensui.
As I said, you developed Satomu's character really well, so good job on that. The guy is awesome. It seems Ushio herself begins to have a bit more screentime, so maybe we can expect to see more development on her part.
On the other hand, the Sakura scene was just weird. She went out with Astald for all of a month, and somehow she still has vestiges of feelings for him even though he erased her memory? I find that hard to believe, but perhaps I am misreading it so don't worry about it.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 10 . 3/31/2017
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I knew it. I called it. I knew Harumi would die in a dramatic way. And you know what? That was not tragic. That was overly dramatic and so amusing I laughed instead of cried over her. The reason?
You did not develop Harumi well at all. From the beginning, she just existed to serve a role in the story. She was no more than a one dimensional, cardboard character who was there just to add angst and drama into a story. That was it. There was no story about her, no character development, nothing. I just couldn't get attached to her at all. She was just an annoying NPC that I couldn't wait to get rid of so that I can move into the real part of the story. I mean, she died in a dramatic fashion, "oh, I see now how you and Mela are meant to be together" and it had me laughing at how cliched and exaggerated it was. It felt like reading a fanfic where the author kills off a canon heroine just so her original character can be shipped with the canon hero. There was no authenticity to Harumi's death, no connection, no attachment. Just...amusement. She didn't feel real enough to shed tears over.
And mind you, that's not me being a bastard or being cold and emotional. I would cry for characters when their deaths are well done. I wept when I saw Nicole die in Gundam Seed, and when Shin killed the admiral in Gundam Seed Destiny (Fray was stupid, when she died I was happy though). I cried when Going Merry was burned and sank in One Piece. Those characters felt authentic and real to me, because the writers actually did connect us to their characters. Here, Harumi just felt tacked on to create unnecessary drama. She felt less a character but more like a device, a plot device at that.
I've to question the point of giving Ushio and Satomu powers when they absolutely did nothing with them. Satomu going, "I feel powerful!" but gets smacked away in the next sentence was just anticlimatic and had me rolling my eyes, and Ushio's flames from her fingertips were utterly pointless when she ended up being crushed until Kensui saved her. That was...pointless, I guess. But I guess the point is to integrate them both deeper into the plot over the next few chapters and make them more involved, so please actually do something with them. You already developed Satomu's character well and gave him some depth, but Ushio is like Harumi, just existing for the sake of padding out the story. You need to develop her further and give her more depth if you want readers to care about her.
Like how I didn't give a you-know-what about Harumi dying because she just...didn't feel authentic as a character.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 9 . 3/31/2017
Dude, this chapter was just...I'm sorry, but it was bad.
First, the inconsistency. You're jumping around too much. Last chapter, it was only 2 weeks since Astald and Sakura met, and suddenly in this chapter she claims they've been dating for a month. Where did all sense of time go? And why the hell is she clinging onto him like that? Can't you take me with you, blah blah, excuse me!? You've only known the guy for a month, and you're clinging to him possessively like a...I dunno, a housewife who wants to follow her husband to an overseas posting, but he drops a divorce on her? And that whole other things and make love thing was just nonsensical. Isn't Sakura over 30? I understand that she might be a virgin, etc. and it hurts, but if she's whining about that, then she's either incredibly naive (which makes no sense given her age) or she's delusional. Does she not understand the way things work now?
By the way, one month is way too short for any sort of romantic relationship to develop to that extent where Sakura clings to Astald like that. You did nothing to develop their relationship, other than show us how they met, and how he brought her home, and then you just go "a couple of months later/we've been dating for a month" and suddenly we're expected to read this bull about Sakura angst-ing and crying over the breakup. Uh...it just doesn't feel or authentic, if anything, it's amusing and cheesy.
And the duel of matrimony is cheesy as well. WTF was the whole point of that? As I said, when did the story turn into the elves being so invested in Mela's love life? What happened to the elven star? Is Astald, the villain for whoever's sake, the only one who remembers the objective? And once again, how long do Kensui and Mela know each other for, anyway? A few weeks? I don't think it's even been a few months! And they're expected to be so in love that Kalina challenges her sister to a duel?! What even is the point of that? Why is there a freaking need for Kalina to force her sister to reveal her feelings, and how on earth do you freaking achieve that through a DUEL!?
No, seriously the elves are making no sense here. Strange customs with the forced marriage, and now the duel thing, and the logic...it's making my head hurt. I think you're just throwing whatever cliches you like in the story without thinking how they fit in or if they make sense. A duel between sisters to force the heroine to reconfirm her love for the protagonist (when there isn't even a need to reconfirm her love in the first place other than to add drama). Angst and drama with the kiss that made no sense at the end.
Yes, the long and passionate kiss had me banging my head against the wall. What the point was that?! That just came out of nowhere. No, seriously...there was no flirting, no buildup to that, it was just Kensui and Mela returning to the apartment and kissing randomly. Kensui said nothing about the duel, the both of them didn't talk about anything, and then they just kissed without trying to make sense of what Kalina just did, ALL WITHOUT SPEAKING A SINGLE WORD TO EACH OTHER the whole time.
And if they're in Kensui's apartment, how the hell did the other three friends get in? Are they really friends? Normally, do your friends just walk into your empty apartment uninvited and unnannounced? Do they just let themselves into your house? That again sounded pretty forced all for the sake of creating unnecessary drama and angst. It made no sense, just as the random kiss made no sense at all.
Sigh...and let me guess, based on cliches and stuff, it'll be Harumi who bites the dust so that there will be fake tragedy and tears, but Kensui and Mela can be finally together officially (the usual die for our ship trope).
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 8 . 3/31/2017
The elves are just so one-dimensional. just when I thought we're returning to the plot, we get sidetracked by another romance drama thing with an unwanted suitor forcing marriage on the heroine? Yeah, I know Mela is trying to escape from the marriage with Astald, but that still doesn't justify her suddenly forcing a marriage onto Kensui, a total unknown, a stranger. For all she knows, he could turn out to be another Astald, so yeah, that was just forced.
And why are the elves all just revolving around this romantic subplot? The whole reason why Mela went to earth was to find the elven star, but everyone seems more interesed in her love life? Like Kalina and the other sister (I think, or was it the mother?) pulling that trick in the elevator a few chapters back, etc. Seriously, their motives don't make any sense. Did they send her there to find a human husband or the elven star? And now Kalina is jumping in and bringing Kensui into her world? What the hell is going on? What's the point of all this?
And the angst with Harumi is so unneeded, given how flat and one-dimensional she is as a character. I just don't relate to her or feel any attaachment to her at all. She's like a red herring to create drama, but she doesn't feel authentic.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 7 . 3/31/2017
7 chapters in and we finally get back to the main plot. To be honest, I completely forgot about the elven star or why Mela even came to Earth in the first place. But I'm pretty sure that's just a backdrop and plot device for the main plot, which is for Mela to come to earth and fall for Kensui, so I don't really care about that.
Though honestly, if that plot device has retreated so deep that your readers forget that the reason why Melamin came to Earth in the first place, you're probably not writing your story right, ha ha...not that it matters to me, I mean, I already knew this was a romance feature when I came into the story.
Nice one with the Satomu twist. You had me there. All this while I thought the blushing and shyness of Satomu acting around Kensui was down to love, but you twisted that around and turned it into pure admiration. Good job there. I take my hat off to you. I kind of like Satomu's character now.
Kensui and the others? Not so much. I hate to say it, but they seem pretty shallow and one-dimensional. You kind of reduced Harumi into a cardboard character who exists solely for the love triangle and romance angst, but I can't get attached to her at all because I don't even know who she is. Kensui is still a bit...off, yeah he has character growth and I like him better now than at the beginning (the self-proclaimed anti-social despite him being surrounded by friends and so NOT anti-social), but the romance thing just feels forced. Mela is less cardboard-ish and one-dimensional than Harumi, but she still feels very flat. In fact, other than Satomu, all your characters feel extremely flat, like they exist just to pad the story. Astald being the antagonist sending the goblins after Mela (I see now why he conveniently appeared to save Mela from the goblins, it was all part of his plan!), but there's no depth to his character. I don't even know why Ushio is in the story.
And then there's Harumi, who exists just for drama. And Mela, who...as I said, completely forgot about the quest for the elven star (and thanks to her being sidetracked by the romance and drama and marriage, leads the readers to forget about it too), just...exists to fall for Kensui. There was no buildup to a proper romance, just boy meets girl, and girl falls for boy just because he gave her his coat. Ugh. So all male elves are jerks or something? There's not enough world building, and the story is just full of cliches thrown in and haphazardly sewn together into a coherent but inconsistent narrative. If you had kept Mela on track with her goal, it would make her less flat, give her more depth and make her a much more interesting character. But right now she just feels...shallow.
Same with the other characters, even Kensui the self-proclaimed anti-social. The growth and development bit was fine, though. Kensui is now truly growing to be a better and more likeable character, so props for that. Satomu was well developed in this chapter. The other characters remain to be seen, even Kalina and Astald.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 6 . 3/31/2017
Yes, it is extremely corny. And the way you forced them go grow closer was pretty forced.
I don't understand why Mela is in love with Kensui. There was no development, nothing. What does she mean he was kind and generous? All he did was give her his coat, and then she followed him home and basically forced her way into his life, and he had to put up with her. How did that lead to love, and in what way was that "kind and generous"? He hardly did anything other than shelter her (and that was because he was FORCED to shelter her rather than of any generosity).
Considering Mela was the crown princess, the way she just said yes to Kensui and accepted his "proposal" makes a lot less sense now. Yeah, let's throw away the title and potential all for some guy you met for all of a few seconds because he gave you his coat. Uh...right.
I told you Satomu was in love with Kensui. I called it from the start. It was too obvious and blatant not to be noticed.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 5 . 3/31/2017
The first part was hilarious, with all the jokes about Mela not understanding human culture and stuff. That was awesome. I had to laugh when Mela was amazed by a pencil, and the silverware and chopsticks thing was funny.
The last part was an abrupt change into angst. Ugh. Has Kensui still not told Mela that he loves Harumi? What's the use of angst-ing over this when you're not going to be open and tell Mela the truth? She's kind enough to pass off as your cousin (somehow she's sharp when it comes to covering up her identity but not smart enough to use human tools) and give a good story (how did she come up with that when she didn't really check Kensui's background?) but he's not honest enough to let her know about his relatioinship with Harumi? That was quite the disconnect.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 4 . 3/31/2017
This chapter was just so...cringeworthy. I'm sorry. Little sister, first fight, accident that leads to kiss - which, confounds me...Harumi is his girlfriend and they have not kissed before!? No, seriously?!
And as I said in the previous chapter, you need a much better build up. They ran from out of the apartment and into the park in just one sentence. Seriously? You need a better flow and more details. It feels like something is missing if you just skip straight from the apartment and into the park. And why does Kensui have to follow Kalina anyway?
The ogre was just so...ugh. Hype him up, only to have Mela kill the dude with a single spell? That wass so anticlimatic.
And Kalina is quite a shallow and cliched character, but I guess that was the intention. You're supposed to develop her and make her grow, I guess? So no complaints there. The only problems were the amounts of cliches that were so cringeworthy (first kiss stolen by an accident, except that the guy already has a girlfriend so that made no sense whatsoever), pedophile misunderstandings, etc. And Mela is just settling into this whole stupid wife business without questioning it, etc. That doesn't make any sense.
I mean, she doesn't like her previous suitor, Astrad (or whatever his name was), but now that Kensui "proposed" to her, she's suddenly all loving, gets jealous when he's with Harumi, buy ingredients to learn cooking, cleans his house? No, what? Seriously? She's a very one-dimensional character that seems to exist solely to fall in love with Kensui. Worse, she's supposed to be an elven princess, so it's really odd how she's not acting spoiled like Kalina and demanding that Kensui serves her because she's royalty. Hell, she's not acting like elven royalty, she's acting like a domestic housewife.
You should think more about fleshing out Mela's character than turning her into harem heroine #1.