|Reviews for The Coven of Atlantis|
| FallenWindRider chapter 9 . 4/27/2014
Hey there so I enjoy this story, it is finally getting to an interesting point. I do have some tips for you to make it even better. The following isn't meant as a flame but as a tool to help you, I want this story to succeed and it breaks my heart that it only has three reviews 9 chapters in.
I can tell you've put a lot of work into world building and have given the races personal touches. However publishing on the internet is deceiving for how large the paragraphs will actually appear on other mediums. I predominantly read FF on my phone and it is a little daunting to get wall after wall of never-ending information blurbs. Spacing gives readers breaks and it is easier to pause at the end of a paragraph than in the middle of one. A good paragraph length is 50-100 words for larger sections. The "three hours later" paragraph in this chapter doesn't have a lot of important information and stands at 154 words, that's triple what I've seen in other published fantasy novels. Every writer has their own style of course, paragraph length included but the modern reader is less and less inclined to read "walls of texts" on their multiple devices.
Inundating your reader with large bits of information can be problematic. Only do it if it is absolutely needed. The golden motto in writing is (in my opinion) "show them, don't tell them" so hierarchies, palace details and other areas where walls of text can happen don't need to. Say you're going into a territory, it is relevant to explain this territory but you don't need to say all of the others right then. Maybe a brief mention is good but its hard to remember or care about vital details that won't become vital until 7 chapters later. A great example in your own writing is Alex's fighting ability, only mentioned when he got into a fight. However if he knows how to fight why the hell did he run in the first couple of chapters? That's inconsistent (and Gary-Stu ish).
Something I would find helpful is with larger casts to have a cast page. With Wheel of Time (my go to fantasy epic example) he has a glossary for important people, terms and sayings that readers may have trouble remembering. Worlds are huge and the human mind is only able to remember who a select number of people are especially when your story may take years to fully complete. Online comics also do this, these glossaries can be a good way to entice more readers too if they like the personality of someone specifically. Other stories have a core cast that is always reaffirmed of about 3-9 people. It is key to make these people distinct and memorable. In Fernwood Academy on this site, the main group of friends has several members with similar names (Damon/Damien) and species (2 unrelated selkies) that lead them to being a bit forgettable and underdeveloped. You don't want characters being confused or forgotten but you also don't want side characters to appear more important than main characters. Brynn for example I think is a bigger piece of the puzzle than Nyx. Whereas Nyx I placed as being as unimportant as Frya.
Speaking of Nyx, the monologue at the end of the chapter was super unexpected and not really in a good way. In my mind I was prepping Brynn to be the enamored/indebted love interest because he's already had that exposure so early on. Nyx on the other hand is barely mentioned and only deemed to be actually important and not just a tag long to Ezvril (like Frya) two chapters ago. In my mind the important characters were Alex, Lorc, Brynn, Ezvril, Faran and yet to be named ambassadors, with the council being the obvious antagonists. For Nyx's true love speech to have any effect on the reader we have to fall in love with him, it all seems rushed and sloppy to be so soon. There is nothing wrong with Nyx being introduced when he was but he has to work his way into being an important character, I would say in 1-2 more chapters he should have the rapport enough with the readers to gain a following as the love interest. Now feels too soon.
The pace of this story I find a bit odd too. What I mean by odd is it feels slow but rushed at the same time. We're nine chapters in and it feels like I know nothing of what's going on yet too much information is already in my mind. I was really hoping the coffee shop girl was going to be important for how much that place mattered to Alex. I just noticed your little hint at Alex's blood making Nyx realize he found his mate in chapter two, while cute it is completely worthless for first time readers. This is one of those if it isn't important, don't mention it until it is relevant unless you want good re-readability.
I hope these have been helpful (and not rage-inducing). This is a good start and you should finish it, then rework it so that it shines even better.
| Guest chapter 9 . 4/25/2014
Wow! Fate? Mate? Update soon.
| sess18 chapter 7 . 4/5/2014
Great! Update soon please
| Reeciez chapter 5 . 3/2/2014
Oh no! Not gonna like what!? How is Alex gonna react to their stupid arguments this time? I'm curious.