|Reviews for Guardians of Rulandia Book 1: Darkness Rises|
| Lynn K. Hollander chapter 6 . 2/2
Have you sketched this out? Like a football coach, with little Xs and Os? Or mapped it out? showing the road, D's path through the woods, and the hills involved? I'm having trouble with the visuals here.
FYI -IDs, in this case badges, are usually left behind in black ops/raids. Plausible deniability and all that.
A web search offers 6 to 15 arrows a minute as reasonable rates of fire; well aimed arrows take a little more time. How long did the fight last?
_In the distance, he could see a small group of people on horseback, about five or six to be more specifically._ Wordy and awkward. Try: In the distance, he could see a small group of five or six people on horseback. -or something on that order. Other spots could be edited for smoothness.
Lots of little typos; it's obviously un-spellchecked/un-read.
| Compass chapter 4 . 1/10
I liked this chapter :D. I also liked the way you describe the scenes, the clothes and the fights.
This 'Sir Roger' is a meanie! He cheated!
Great chapters so far. Can't wait for the rest. :)
| BladeRunner398 chapter 3 . 12/29/2013
Another exciting chapter, although I really suggest taking another look at your spelling. Apologies for taking so long to get around to this! Keep doing what you are doing!
| Lynn K. Hollander chapter 2 . 12/19/2013
Things to consider in the next draft:
Where has Daniel been? Where is his uncle now? Does Duncan disappear often? His letter offers conflicting advice: take care of the cabin and join the army. Daniel can't do both at once. Also, Daniel is once again abandoned by a parental figure. Yes, he's eighteen, but I would still expect him to be distressed when his uncle leaves/disappears/dies/whatever. If he's lived in his uncle's cabin for six years, from 12 to 18, it's not really his 'new home'.
If this is after a peace has been declared, will army recruiters be active? In peace-time, armies are usually downsized. Is there a new threat? or a need for peace-keeping garrisons in the re-conquered territory?
Potatoes are bought by barter or with money. How will Daniel obtain anything? If by purchase, what is the source of his money? If by barter, what has he to trade? (There are always rabbit skins)
Do keep on with this. I want to know what Daniel does next.
| BladeRunner398 chapter 2 . 12/17/2013
Very good skills on display here. Even though Daniel's backstory has cliches, the strength of the character and your writing transcends them. Lovely written letter from Uncle Duncan at the end as well. The only spelling mistakes I noticed were "form" in paragraph seven, which should be "from", and lile" in the second to last paragraph, which should be "like". This is another superb chapter overall and this story already has me hooked.
| Lynn K. Hollander chapter 1 . 12/16/2013
Why have the messenger read the letter? Are we supposed to assume the king is illiterate?
Too much info-dump, data that the writer just TELLS the reader: 'Captain Dennard, a man in his mid-forties, was actually older than King Dylan, who was in his late thirties. The two had been friends long before Dylan became King after his father's death, and they remained close' -this is all back story. Does it need to be presented in the prologue? If not, omit what can wait. This part SHOWS the reader: 'The King shook his head, knocking himself out of his own trance, and looked up at his Captain, his friend' -it's still a little on the 'telling' side, but it's much better than the first example. If you can arrange it, data brought out by action and dialogue is more interesting that a flat recitation of facts.
Its/it's confusion throughout; some dialogue tags need tweaking, but in general good skills. A 'lowlife' is one word or hyphenated. 'donning' is the act of dressing; after one is dressed, one has donned her clothes. -and some other style quibbles.
So the rebellion popped up out of the blue? No grumbling from the nobles, no riots by the peasants? Why? It's just a big surprise?
Have you sketches/plans/maps of the forest, the roads and the Castle? of the rebellious fifes? of the Castle? What sort of country? Northern pine forest? Hardwood/deciduous low land forest? You don't need to tell the reader everything, but YOU do need to know what all the scenes are.
Whipping, branding, hanging and expulsions are more likely punishments for lowlifes than simple imprisonment, which historically was reserved for political prisoners, sometimes temporarily, sometime before execution. Also the castle seems to be in a rural location. Where do the lowlifes come from?
Where are the women of the castle? If there are no women, why not?
'Twelve years earlier.' Awkward. Earlier than what? Start the first chapter with 'Twelve Years Later.'
| BladeRunner398 chapter 1 . 12/15/2013
Excellent work, with smooth pacing and an engrossing plot. Although I would prefer more detailed descriptions of the Rulandian countryside and the Castle, and suggest that you correct the minor grammatical errors that can be found throughout, this prologue is a great start to what is hopefully a riveting series, and it leaves me hungry for more. Followed and favorited!