|Reviews for He keeps yelling|
| Lillia Jane Marshes chapter 3 . 1/21
Hi, Lillia again! Sorry this review took so long, midterms have been driving me crazy. But let's get started, shall we...
This was a very good chapter, as per usual. There were some typos I noticed, as well as a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing very major. The only thing I think I need to point out specifically is actually just a technical grammar error, but it's something that bugs me when I see it.
"Go sit with your boyfriend, Stumpy lover!" He growled.
After a piece of dialogue, if the first word is a pronoun like he, she, etc., it has to be lowercase. Hope that isn't confusing, I feel like I explained it really badly. As I said, awesome job again. And Amas living with their teacher . . . well, can't wait to see what comes of that! :P
| SnowFaith chapter 3 . 1/19
Hmm... There are a couple grammar mistakes here and there and the the whole thing were disabled people are seen as extraterrestrials irks me...
But, overall, this was interesting... It has that horror feel that sends a small shiver through me, and it has a really good plot. I wonder what'll happen to Shaun in the future; the first chapter had me hooked! Update when you can! :)
| TaraMcClaine chapter 3 . 1/13
Nice chapter except a typo. That will be weird not wierd. Or maybe Amas is bad with spelling. That is how I interpret.
| Lillia Jane Marshes chapter 2 . 12/26/2013
Hi, Lillia again. I was pleased by this chapter as well, but since it is longer I'm afraid I do have a few more things to pick on. In the first paragraph, you use the word imagine twice in a row; it would be better to use a synonym the second time.
'I was sitting at my desk with my head down. The 'Daily Starter' which is what we called the problems the teacher would give us to get our brains going. Our teacher gave us three hours to do this.'
It would be best to combine these sentences, especially since the second one is a fragment. Something like, 'I was sitting at my desk with my head down, glaring at our 'Daily Starter' questions. I had finished them not five minutes after the teacher, [insert name of teacher], gave them to us, but there was still three hours until he would collect them.'
When the teacher is talking about Amas, it seems a little out of place for him to tell no one to complain about changing seats, since at least in my experience that doesn't happen. There is usually just an empty seat filled or added, and taking out that sentence cuts down on unessential dialogue, always a good thing in any story.
There is really no need to describe the configuration of the desks. The reader doesn't need to know exactly how many desks are in the room, and it is only logical that they would face the blackboard. Instead, you could just have the narrator just look around and notice that the only empty seat is next to her, and maybe toss in that bit about the girl Serah moving. (also, the bit about Serah doesn't need to include her last name. If Shaun is a teenager (which is what I'm assuming), she probably wouldn't think about her classmates in terms of first and last names)
And the last thing just really bugs me in general. I don't know if you're going to be making a big point of this. 'I know it seems childish for being afraid of someone with a disability, but I had been raised like everyone else was. If he's different, he's a monster.' In no way, shape, or form is everyone raised like this. Is there something about Shaun's school or area in particular that make her prejudiced against disabled people? Is it a cultural thing where she lives? Because this statement just really, really bugs me . . . and I am going to force myself not to start ranting now.
Good chapter. In general, just try to combine sentences more in some places and cut down on run-ons and over explaining things in others.
| Lillia Jane Marshes chapter 1 . 12/26/2013
Hi, Lilllia here to review your story. I was drawn in by your summary (and just a little bit by your username-it made me smile), and I've been looking for a good supernatural/mystery story for a while now. Your first chapter shows promise, and I like that it is devoted simply to a warning to stay away, while inevitably drawing you in all the same. I have a few suggestions, but overall I simply can't wait to read your next chapter.
The first thing is just a grammatical error. In the third sentence of the piece 'If they ever find out we are dead.', it flows better to put a comma between 'out' and 'we'. The first time I read it I thought it meant that the people writing were dead, which confused me a bit. A small nitpick, but I am a bit of a comma freak! :)
'Exit this. Close it. Leave it alone if you wish.' Following the theme that you're sticking with, that the writers truly don't want anyone to read this, it may be better to take out the 'if you wish.' Make it an order, and it will stick in the reader's mind more.
Your very last sentence feels a little off to me. Personally, I feel it would be more dramatic to end with simply 'We are sorry.' since you just repeated it several times, adding to the tension.
Again, I really like this so far. Continue your good work, Almalalalala!
| The mighty Belial chapter 1 . 12/26/2013
Bring it on.
| JasmineHoran chapter 1 . 12/26/2013
Wow, interesting start! :D
| TaraMcClaine chapter 1 . 12/26/2013
Okay! Bring it on! I am warned. But I am gonna take a chance :p On to the next chapter Almalalalala!