Reviews for Invalid
Unxious Custard chapter 7 . 1/8/2014
Wow. Great plot development.

I like your story very much. Keep writing.

I do hope you will return the reviews with a review of my story, Psychics v Terrorists, which is a modern fantasy, set in England.
Unxious Custard chapter 6 . 1/8/2014
Hi, I wonder if you can't restructure the story, to avoid having to say earlier that day. Can't earlier that day actually come earlier. The problem is that phrase can jolt the reader right out of the story. Otherwise, well done.

Still need more paragraphs.
Unxious Custard chapter 5 . 1/8/2014
Lovely development of the plot here. I like the change in character at this point. It works well.
Unxious Custard chapter 4 . 1/8/2014
I love the way you draw out the agony. Well done. We need a sense of consequences though, as to what this dream like state will do to her in the long term. She could perhaps think for a moment about all the things she had to do, and what will happen if she doesn't do them, then sink back into melancholy.
Unxious Custard chapter 3 . 1/8/2014
Hi again. By this point in the story I am seeking something more than just the pain of death. A small hint of the mysteries to come perhaps. The thing about dashes is they work, but you need to have a space on either side of them. The dash shouldn't look like a hyphen, as they are two different punctuation marks. e.g. When they reached the hospital - which was old, grey, and tired-looking -Drew stopped in front of the door and ... I love the way Ella keeps her emotions from breaking out, and the evidence that she is still in shock.
Unxious Custard chapter 2 . 1/8/2014
Mmm! A wonderful relationship developing here, obviously in the past. You have done well to make it so clear. The reader gets a good sense of both their personalities from their rather charming interchanges. Drew is interesting.

Still more paragraphs needed.
Unxious Custard chapter 1 . 1/8/2014
Hi I love your concept. It goes straight to the world of emotion. I think at this stage I have to agree with a previous reviewer - you need paragraphs! Let's see if I can help:

The obnoxious ring of a telephone echoed in the silence of the apartment.

Ella dropped her book with a start, and-eyes wide with excitement- bounced in the general direction of the noise, which was the kitchen.

"Now, where did I…hmm, maybe the fridge? That's where put it last-oh!" she exclaimed.

Clapping her hands she ran to the cupboard. She stood up on her tiptoes, and peered into it. "Well, I could have sworn I-wait, I see it! Haha!" She giggled, shaking her head in slight self-reproach. "Silly me! Why on earth would anyone put a phone in a cookie jar? Drew will scold me when he finds out!"

Pressing the "talk" button and holding the wayward phone to her ear, she chirped "hello?!"

A slightly tired sounding voice replied; "Hello, is this Miss Carter?" She frowned. "Um…Yeah? Who…who is this?"

She didn't know them...

See how it reads easier right away, just by having more white space around. It's an absolute rule too, that every time you move onto a new person, whether speach or action, you have a new paragraph.

The writing is all very good. However, I wonder about having the doctor call. This would be extremely unlikely in real life - doctors are not allowed to report to anyone but relatives of the deceased, and certainly would be involved in things like funerals. Perhaps a distant relative, who came accross Ella's name on James's phone - something like that could work. Nevertheless, a very interesting tale. Good characters, good dialogue. Well done.
Guest chapter 1 . 12/31/2013
your story sms great but the text is to much blck tgther and we can't understand who is talking to who and the valid info