|Reviews for And Now Our Life Begins|
| deadaccount2019 chapter 2 . 3/5/2014
Second of the return reviews, then I'll be on to finish up Forbidden Book for the RG. :D
Lol, I love the obscure humor of Hoshi's gender-confusion, as well as Keisuke's response to *why* Hoshi disrupted class. Very, very manga-esque, it's really a ridiculous aspect that just can't be pulled off with any other genre. :)
This chapter more than the last needs polishing on tense. It switches back and forth between past and present tense in blocks, which made it kind of disorienting. Either tense will work, it just needs to be consistent.
The plot so far feels like it's a bit lacking. I actually felt quite intrigued by the drunk driver's threats, and it's quite possible that it will come in to play in the future, but I'm not really getting a sense of conflict with the plot yet. In a way, it feels as though things are falling into place a little too easily. Like I said, though, it's still early, so I wouldn't worry *too* much at the moment. Maybe just something to keep in mind over the next chapters. :)
| deadaccount2019 chapter 1 . 3/5/2014
Just wanted to return those extra two reviews you did on the original HHW, now that I'm home from work. :)
Mechanically the chapter could use a little bit of polishing. Mostly it was little things like typos and slips in tense.
The writing feels a little more awkward in this than it did in Elementals. One thing I thought would help is if you condensed descriptions now and then. For example, if you went with "obnoxious" instead of "loud irritating" in the first sentence, it would really play up the manga atmosphere and condense the description so that it feels more natural. :)
The opening is a cliche in manga, but I consider it one of those cliches that actually works in favor of story. It establishes familiarity, but also creates an abrupt opening without being over the top. Plus, a lot of romance/drama subgenred doesn't usually start on the mild comical side, so it helped establish that there would be more than romance and drama. :)
The pacing throughout felt very appropriate for the genre. From the start when they're getting to leave, to the train ride and arrival, to finally the accident, I could see the progression play out in the average opening chapter of a manga serial.
| Sepha chapter 1 . 1/16/2014
WARNING! THE FOLLOWING WILL PROBABLY KILL YOUR EGO AND YOUR WILL TO WRITE, BUT IT CONTAINS SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT REGARDING THE STORY! JUST KNOW THAT THIS IS ME AS A CRUTIQUE GUY, AND NOT A WRITER, BECAUSE I HAVE THESE SAME FLAWS SOMETIMES!
You have been warned.
This needs to be rewritten. Like, right now. It's too unrealistic. Since this appears to be a slice of life fic, it has to have at least some realism.
First off, the Grandma's death had to affect the character's more. Aki and Hoshu seemed over the death in the span of five to six paragraphs, which really made me mad.
Second, use a spell check software. The mistakes in this story are too much for me to take.
Finally, the fic as a whole. It's not entertaining enough. It didn't grab me as much as it wanted to. I only clicked on it because it just happened to be there.
Please try not to commit suicide on your writing skills, as there have been worse.
A LOT worse.