|Reviews for A Lonely Magic|
| Saffron123 chapter 3 . 4/13
So far I like Fen's crude way of doing things. Theresa isn't much of a character so far. But the fragments! This is saturated with them and it really affects the readability of what seems to be a really good story so far.
| Saffron123 chapter 2 . 4/13
Chapter 1 really drew me, but one thing I notice about your style of writing: FRAGMENTS.
Too many. Crits. Reading.
Yeah... too many fragments like above aren't fun. In fact they are so jarring that unless there is a reason to not write in complete sentences I'd recommend not doing it. A fragment will really focus you on a phrase, but overdone and used on unimportant phrases just throws the reader out.
"Green-blue eyes. Perfect cheekbones. White teeth. Did she know him?"
What? Those sentences don't flow at all into the question. Why not just use a full sentence?
I like the dialogue between the two and the reason for her name "Fen" is pretty cool.
| Saffron123 chapter 1 . 4/13
This starts very visceral and tense. I really enjoyed this opening. I connected a lot with Fen and her struggle to get out of her situation.
| AllyrienDM chapter 47 . 3/17
I tend to think it was a reasonable cliffhanger. I mean, it's not REALLY a cliffhanger so long as you write the next book, haha. It's more like a cleverly written epilogue that makes it clear where things go from there.
This does strike me as the kind of tale that's going to require an overarching plot, though, unlike Gifts. It's going to need an ultimate reveal that connects the events of all three books. Something about the Val Kyr's motivations, I assume. You've probably sussed that out already, but I thought I'd point it out anyways.
Actually, I'm not 100% sure you don't need a scene where Fen goes to the council and asks for a stay of execution or something to establish that she has a reasonable timeframe to work in, but od course that's up to you.
| aehubble chapter 47 . 3/17
My litmus test of acceptable cliff hangers is Tolkein's Lord of the Rings. He followed a complete story arc in each book, but you knew at the end of the first two books there was more of the series arc to tell. So the question would be, does this book tell a complete story? Is there a larger series arc? Does it answer the main questions that it raises along the way? Is the main character changed and ready for a new challenge. These questions all get yes checks on my scorecard. Fen has had a transformation, she has learned things about herself she never knew before, the action in the book has changed the path of her life and she is showing readiness for new challenges.
The scene before certainly ends the story arc, but I really like the resolution of her face to face with Malik and it does establish there is a greater series arc at play. Really excellent story, I'm looking forward to hearing more about the Sia Mara.
| tehachap chapter 47 . 3/17
Malik's eyes turned cold. "No. She never—" His mouth twisted. "To my knowledge, she never participated in the Val Dagora. She never led a house."
Fen nodded. She _?
Missed the rest of the sentence...
Yes, please continue to write. You are very talented and I enjoy reading your work. Sincere regards, Tehachap!
| IdreamofIvan chapter 47 . 3/16
I like this ending better, it is still a little not-ending but I am sure you will find a way to make it stronger.
The "Let's move on" is a little confusing. I had to go back and count the score again. You should say something like "It is settled, blah against blah, this is what is going to happen." So people that read the stories with a kid jumping on their backs and screaming in their ears like me can follow :)
| ZeroGain chapter 47 . 3/16
"...and really fucking awesome clothes."
And that just makes me chuckle. Fine ending, hopeful ending. If you had cut where I suggested in 46 it'd be much more cliff-hangery, this leaves us with a clear direction and hook.
| IdreamofIvan chapter 46 . 3/15
We are getting closer to the end. Though I think you need an epilogue, some of what happens after so the ending is something a little lighter and more dynamic than a court room. Or maybe I just want it to be longer :). I also think you need to add a part between this sectionAt any rate, I believe Kaio wanted a seventh vote on the council to defeat whatever maneuvers Baldric had planned," Gaelith continued.
"So why am I not up there?" Fen asked.
Gaelith opened her mouth as if to answer, but closed it without saying a word. Her eyes rested upon Fen, half amused, half speculative.
"You're not old enough," Luke answered. "You're a minor."
A bloody, fucking minor.
And when she sits down. Something like she tries to sit down and people argue and she tells them that whatever magic let her take the oath, so she is the appointed representative and if she is not, then she is not obligated by the oath, they can't have it both ways. And if she is no obligated by the oath she is going to get her things and say sajonara and there will be no discussion as to who should have custody. I think the way you did it, one second they are telling her she is not seated there because she is a minor and then next she sits, no problem.
| Nattie chapter 46 . 3/14
This is a terrific story! Please keep writing and I hope there is a sequel! Fen is a very fun character and I can't wait to see how you wrap this up. I want to know if anything happens between her and Kaio. Thanks for writing this, it has helped me get thru a very difficult week!
| Kage Elric chapter 46 . 3/14
OH NO! Malik!
wait...who did he murder?
| AllyrienDM chapter 46 . 3/14
This is the besssssst. Fen is looking pretty badass at the moment.
| tehachap chapter 46 . 3/14
The first sentence needs to be restructured (IMHO)... "No way was she going to walk up there in front of the entire population of Syl Var—Fen's eyes tilted up as she tried to calculate how many people were standing on the balconies and came up with an answer somewhere between "a hell of a lot" and "way the fuck too many"—and sit down on that empty chair."
Should be: "Fen's eyes tilted up as she tried to calculate how many people were standing on the balconies and came up with an answer somewhere between "a hell of a lot" and "way the fuck too many". No way was she going to walk up there in front of the entire population of Syl Var and sit down on that empty chair."
Other comment: "...I move to vote on my resolution. ..." When did Fen make a resolution? She didn't make a formal statement of resolution. It seems odd for her to make the declaration for a vote - better phrased as, "The Voice of Wai Pa moves to claim Emancipated Minor status. She will be in charge of herself."
I'm still lost as to the status of Fen's Chicago neighbor and how he fits into the plot to kill her...
| aehubble chapter 46 . 3/13
Lovely, simply, wonderfully, lovely.
Sorry about your computer although I'm really glad you were able to get this done.
I have to say I do think this brings Fen's metamorphosis story to a near close. The few loose ends are dealing with Malik's murderous culpability, perhaps Fen's decision of her choice of residence, and how Malik became the Val Kyr Voice.
I have to say the emancipated minor idea did run through my mind, but I wondered if it was even necessary because she was so clearly accepted as the Voice of Wai Pa, surely an acknowledge of adulthood. But this spells it out clearly and that's always better to me.
I will be very sorry to leave the Sia Mara for a little while, keep writing, stay happy.
| ZeroGain chapter 46 . 3/13
Excellent cap, comes to a nice conclusion. I want just one more scene giving me a clear lead into the next book, I think, but this could work as your last chapter too.
This book rocks!