|Reviews for Spectrum Knight|
| Daniel Kozaki chapter 2 . 1/11/2016
“Akasuki sat the cup down…” – set
“It was a another summer morning” – another
“perversely eyeing at Akasuki” – eyeing Akasuki
Still, wonder if there’ll be a nerd char who’s going to be someone cool in-game.
Mostly routine adventuring so far…
“much more within to explore then expected.” – than
And we got out first encounter…
Nothing too much to say for the chapter, it just fits well with the story so far, a few foreshadowing, and so on. Just one chapter a reader would go through in a breeze. -w-b
| Daniel Kozaki chapter 1 . 1/10/2016
‘”…even businessmen have began the shift from digital to virtual."’ – it’s ‘have begun’, and ‘had begun’, in another sentence that I noticed.
Ollo, picking up this story next… wonder how good is it, when I was around you were just starting to write it iinm.
‘…but they tired with dark circles under them.’ – ‘they look tired’ iinm.
Japan’s birthrate decline… virtual reality impact on society… yes, you like ‘real’ questions, King. Interesting. Wonder if the meeting scene would foreshadow the villain of this story.
Pff. Was it the 69, or the Bone?
‘She couldn't believe the developers would create a vast world for a beta of the game only to rid of it upon the Japanese release.’ – lol, what if it was just the developers deciding to make things Apocalypse-style instead? Destroying usually means deleting, in virtual reality terms, but I digressed. Do carry on, this is a creative twist. ‘x3
Dat dangerous meme, lol.
‘…like a wooden cottage with giant number one branded on the front.’ – ‘with a giant number one.’
‘…a medieval tavern like atmoshpere,’
A bag of skittles, lol. (‘of Skittles’?)
Ah, people die when they’re killed… twice!
‘"In a game like this, there's no need to do so!"’ – LEEROY JENKINS!
Slaying hackers with an MMORPG? Interesting.
Nice ingredients, from what I see. Good start. :)
| cmaej chapter 4 . 7/11/2014
Oh, King. What's a story from you without a Yuri pairing?
"His hair was orange at the bottom and red at the top like a flame. He was shirtless, showing off his well toned, muscular build, but wore baggy pants. "
Holy shit! It's a Super Saiyan! /shot
Sahiye's dialogue does not fit a corporate badass at all. LOL
Dustin? Kaz? WTH? Swallowing? Phat? Is Koga Thundy!? Damnit, King. You're such a trol. XD
| cmaej chapter 3 . 7/10/2014
"Wow, that's quite a big dog."
Well, they made it to the first Malus rather quickly. And I thought it was the sub-boss. But I will say that your handling the story a lot better than BladeArc, especially the fight scenes. The game mechanics doesn't interrupt the flow and I haven't ran into info dumpy parts. Good job.
| cmaej chapter 2 . 7/10/2014
It feels like the first two paragraphs are unnecessary. If you leave it out, it won't change the plot or the mood.
"Hasegawa didn't have much interest in her hobbies, so the two didn't talk converse much."
You can either us the word "talk" or "converse", but using both is redundant.
"Throughout the rest of the journey, the party encountered few monsters, riding them with ease."
They can ride on the monsters? o.O Oh... you meant "ridding". *w*
"I'll have you know that I have no problems with my nose capillaries." LOL
Are you already starting ships, King? Anyways, I have a feeling that his wolf is a sub-boss. Just a hutch.
| cmaej chapter 1 . 7/10/2014
I like the way you built your modern Japan world. Wouldn't it be refreshing for Akasuki to travel to feudal Japan. ;)
The way Akasuki got her first sword reminded me of the original Legend of Zelda where you had to stop in a cave to get your wooden sword from the old man. Not much else to say. Reading on.
| sugar honey iced tea chapter 5 . 7/5/2014
I think I already mentioned how I enjoyed the first section of this chapter; the conversation between Shigi and Sahiye. I love the way Mr Shigi just breaks down and loses it, resorting to ineffective flattery. You can tell he's an amateur at business deals straight away.
I didn't particularly like the second section of the chapter (I'll imply there are sections since you used line-breaks). In terms of the plot, it does't exactly contribute to it much. There is Teruko's involvement with the fishing scene though, with her suddenly befriending Euno. But still, is she going to be an important character or not? Considering the fact that Moriko and Euno aren't that interesting and haven't really showed much development (to me, they still seem as though they're just 'there', aiding our MC), with my only notable characters being Hachiman, Sahiye and Akasuki...does Teruko have any significance to this story? Let's see.
Another thing that you did here is state Moriko's jealousy. 'The two used to share a close childhood relationship'. At this point in time, that fact doesn't really create an effect on readers. Just really acts as info dumping, to be honest. And oh boy, if a love triangle does form, please don't make it the main subject of the story. Remember SAO. Remember it (then again that became a harem, but still there were 'complicated' relationship issues still).
The third section is - in a sense - a nice 'bridge' onto the 'main course' of the chapter, if you know what I mean. You have nice interactions between characters, and it's a nice transition towards the forest scene. I have to say though, the idea of Hachiman being a former heavyweight boxing champion and then suddenly have the urge to play Chromatic World is strange, to say the least.
Now for the fight scene. Well then, I think I've already said how I'm not exactly a fan of long fight scenes in any given chapter. I can say that I followed what happened quite well, and didn't get confused whilst I was reading it. However, this whole fight scene just focuses on the description of the fighting per se. It's as if I'm reading an essay on 'The Battle of Akasuki's Posse vs The Kiriko-Asuno Duo'. Adding specific skills does help picture in your head what goes on (sorta), but you need to describe the emotions that characters feel. The adrenaline, excitement, shock. Whatever floats your boat.
Asuno changing to Asuko and back again got confusing, but then I realised that it's just one of your legendary typos, along with many ;)
Sahiye's got a new goon to mess about with: Geizo's addition to the story hopefully will cause some tension, being the 'The Head Moderator'. I'll look forward to see him play his part in the story.
...And now I see the importance of Michishige in your story. Only mentioned briefly beforehand, he's now been revealed to be somewhat of a pathetic villain with his little brother tagging along. But maybe he's more of an ominous character than you think he is...
Anyway, that was a nice way to end the chapter, leaving us on a bit of a cliffy. In terms of how much I enjoyed this - well, I found it to be more entertaining and I like it more than the previous chapter I'd read.
I can't reiterate this enough: focus on your characters more in terms of their' personalities, give me a full spectrum of what each of them feel. I appreciate the fact we're in a VRMMORPG, so it's pretty much conversations between characters, fight scenes and a, but I don't want two-dimensional characters. This is my only major issue. But in spite of what I've said, I can see new sides of characters, e.g. Moriko's jealousy, Hachiman's pride, Michishige's villainous side.
Anyway, I look forward to reading your next chapter, King!
| Virage chapter 1 . 7/3/2014
Wow this might be the first story in a long time that I didn't look for grammatical errors. Honestly, I was really intrigued by the initial setting that I just jumped right in. I really wanted to read it without worrying about stopping every ten seconds to double check grammar.
It's hard to describe why I liked this story, because I did. I mean, the main character is an excellent protag, with great description and an engaging personality, but I really liked how the story started off with her as nothing more than a simple bystander. It was nice hearing the "state of Japan" during that political discussion she was listening to. All the while she remained mostly uncaring, neither for or against the arguments. I like my character bland, neutral, and right down the middle. Definitely a good scene though.
Ah, and then we get a glimpse of Akasuki's gaming ways. Nothing really happened for the most part, but still some good scene setting. The introduction to the install for Chromatic World was interesting though. Definitely got the vibe of .hack (which is the OG virtual reality game anime and still the greatest of all - FFFFFFFFFF off SAO and you're alright Log Horizon, I like you cause you're funny) which, obviously, I prefer. I have to say, "BoneCrusher69" made me lawl. That short scene between her and the software was kind of funny.
The description of Mundus was really well done. I'm digging the game's premise which becomes more fleshed out later. There's some more characterization as well as Euno, who seems pretty likable. He also seems the more level headed of the two as well as the more normal one I'm guessing. Especially after hearing the explanation for their surroundings and Akasuki goes crazy at the thought of "the challenge." Moriko is awesome in a terrible way. Oh god, that outfit and color coordination. I could HEAR the description it was screaming so loudly. Uhg, the one word description of "skittles" made me shiver. Not much in the way of her character traits and personality though, but damn did you nail the description down. The fight scene with the boar was kind of funny too. I just got the image of a girl brandishing a sword in an all too excited manner, maniacally and fiendishly, while having illusions of grandeur at the prospect of grinding boars.
The ending was...interesting. I sense wide ripples extending from a plot hidden somewhere in the vast and dark reaches of the story.
| sugar honey iced tea chapter 4 . 6/6/2014
Here's that review I was meant to do a few months ago (*w*)
I have to say though, the amount of RAOSC references in this chapter just goes off the chart. Seriously. It's on a whole new level.
Before I start off with my critique though (I have a few queries to address), I'll tell you my overall view on this chapter. In all honesty...I thought that some parts were slightly cheesy, and out of the four chapter's I'd read, I thought this was not as good in comparison to the others.
For the first section of the story, we have a brief interaction between Hasegawa and Akasuki. At the moment, Hasegawa seems to be a side-character who doesn't really contribute to the plot as much. She's just there. I admit that I enjoy the interactions between the two character's though; I found their' conversation to be the most enjoyable to read in terms of dialogue, during the whole chapter. I'm not assuming she's unimportant: in later chapters, her role could obviously change. But for me, there's nothing that really stands out about her. I mean - I could fantasise about Hasegawa having yuri-related intentions with Akasuki...though I doubt that'll happen anytime soon. But what's strange about all the side-characters you've given me though - is despite Hasegawa not being that interesting, she's actually the most interesting out of everyone else (apart from Akasuki; I'll talk about her later).
I'll briefly talk about the plot and fluidity of writing in this chapter. Overall, I think the plot has a good progression, though there are parts where I find the dialogue to be slightly boring and drags on for a bit. Although, I have to say that this is pretty easy to read off of, and so the prose per se isn't really a problem.
In terms of your description, again, this isn't as prominent as dialogue and addition of characters in the chapter, so I'm not solely focusing on this aspect of your writing. Right now, it slots itself well into what's going around our main characters
Now the characters...
I think I've already told you about Euno and Moriko. They have a lot of potential to be something other than people who fight alongside our main female protagonist. But still, in terms of the plot of the story, they're just 'there'. There were points in this chapter in which you could have developed these characters in a way: "The girls said nothing, knowing he didn't like to talk about the incident."
Umm, what incident? Was this mentioned before? Will this be mentioned later on in the story?
I put my trust in you that characterisation of Euno and Mariko will happen at some point. And possibly the incident will be elaborated on in later chapters.
Now to talk about Takara Sahiye, President of Gamio. I remember her being the shady woman talking about the Spectrum Knight in previous chapters, and I've always wondered what significance her role would be in this story. Well, it turns out that she's become some sort of casual, no-nonsense version of Kayaba Akihiko from SAO.
"No I am not shitting with you."
Phrase of the year :3
This is what I mean by an old, somewhat respectable lady acting casual. To me, that sounds slightly unnatural for my tastes, but I guess that gives her a unique trait about her personality.
And now for the Kazulous part of Kazulous. Well, I found the RAOSC references to be enjoyable from my perspective.
I have to admit though, what you did here was make a distinct personality for 'Kaz', and then...well, 'Kiriko' happened. And to me, I found that to be sad thing, but at the same time, I don't really have much attachment to Kaz, since he's only appeared in a certain part of the chapter. Teruko and Koga are again, merely side-characters. I guess the consequences of what happened to them though, did give some sense of shock which I found to be a somewhat effective way to get more into the story.
But Kiriko. He doesn't really seem to have the attribute currently to pose as a 'great villain'. Though you never know. Characterisation can really make a difference. Though for now, that last sentence made me feel he had some comedic sense about him, especially the stutter for 'n-nothing'.
Tamotsu Hachiman: right now, he obviously seems like a perverted jokester, and in a sense - can be split into two categories on what people think of him; he's either really likeable, or will be really annoying later on...Hopefully, you'll be able to make him more rounded, so he can be seen as relatable, having a variety of emotions other than being a pervert.
Though I'm not saying being a pervert is bad.
Last but not least, Akasuki. To me, she isn't the most interesting character, though out of the entire cast, I wouldn't choose anyone else to be our main protagonist. Hasegawa seems to have a weakness over Hasegawa, escaping from her cold personality, with her stuttering in dialogue as such (I'll be needing some explicit yuri plot development, King *W*) Obviously she's shown to have a wider range of feelings, than being her dispassionate self. However, it would be nice if you could expand on those range of emotions, to make her even more relatable and suitable, as Spectrum Knight's main protagonist.
Some random typos:
“The group seem satisfied and depart to the others.”
“...he pointed at her with his ax.”
“Hard to get use to my new condition.”
“Look, no offensive, but you’re annoying."
“I take great offensive to that!”
“D-Did that just happened?”
“Well looks like we have lots to forward to then!”
“Outta be out there.” (Oughta?)
“Even now people looked at him, awaiting to see what they were going to do next...” (gender confusion to do with Akasuki.)
Again, sorry I haven't been able to review SK, but I guess exams come first. I hope my critique is useful to you - and I hope I haven't sounded harsh, if I have somehow.
| Kisho chapter 3 . 6/4/2014
Ohmai, titular character appearance? u
Pretty cool battle versus Mally btw cx The problem with "die twice" is that I *know* she'll die once, I just know it, it kinda lessens the tension in harsh moments, but... it seems today wasn't her day to die once. Also, nice turnaround with Hasegawa in the background -v-b
I just notice, though, while I'm here talking, uhm, you have a tendency to use some really odd phrasings. A satisfied smirk began to roam on her face? What, is it prancing about and exploring the mountain range between her eyes? He SMEARED the beast's head? I would think that would win the battle right away - ;
Still, looking good, anyways, though I would have liked the ending to link more into events to come... without a mysterious diversion to some mysterious narrator narrating some mysterious title drop to do so. Regardless, I think the story's coming along well x3
| Kisho chapter 2 . 6/4/2014
Oooohh, something terrible is happening, that's exciting x3
Still, it doesn't feel like there's much really special about Mally the Dog here at the end. Like, I could perfectly well see it as a first boss? Well, who knows .v.
Michisage for new fav character btw \ o /
Also, while I'm still being my nasty self and complaining about this and that, a lot of the game description feels really forced and unnecessary... like, I don't think we need to know who's the tank. Or who's the AoE DPS. And the footnotes for it are not my cup of tea ;v; I think you'd be better off getting to the things that are happening, instead of that all. Like, just narrate it like it's a story, not a game where you have to have popups explaining gameplay, and then if some part of the game becomes crucial to the narration of the plotline, that's all you should explain. But that's just my take on it -v-
Here's hoping for Michisage to come in and save the day from Mally the Dog anyways cx
| Y. S. Wong chapter 1 . 5/21/2014
Welp, time ran out for you to do a new chappie of Kichea. But don't worry, I'll still be checking it out when you upload the next chapter.
Given the great similarity between the premises of SK and SAO, it's pretty much inevitable that the comparisons are gonna be made. I haven't seen anything that particularly differentiates yours from SAO, except for the death thing. But it's early. Well. I don't know where I'm going with this. Just be aware that you're inviting the comparisons inevitably.
Dat death thing tho. Die two times in-game and your character gets wiped? It just seems... not very dramatic. Once works better imo.
Anyway, I don't mean to get all negative. You kicked ass with pacing this opening chapter and the overall storytelling ability is solid. Your writing's getting a lot better, too. I thought it flowed a lot more naturally here than it did in Kichea. Though I'd still recommend getting a beta to go through your chapters with a fine-toothed comb.
I thought Kisho brought up a good point about how your main girl protagonists tend to sound like boys, though in this case I really do think Akasuki's tomboy personality suits her.
| Multiverse chapter 1 . 5/10/2014
This story was gripping from just the first paragraph. The characters were interesting and the premise is epic. Your grammar is flawless and you set up the world in an interesting way. We really enjoyed this chapter. There is a cool social commentary and it reminded us of the Matrix. Akasuki is a solid protagonist and descriptions are crystal clear. All in all a great read. Cant wait to read more!
| Sukiko-san chapter 4 . 5/10/2014
I like it! update soon pls!
| sugar honey iced tea chapter 3 . 3/28/2014
So, here I am for another review ;D
You start the chapter quite nicely, with Hasegawa's perspective. And then straight away, we're put into the fight scene against 'Malus - Canarius the Tenebrous'.
For the chapter as a whole...I can't really say a huge amount involving plot, due to the entirety of it being a boss battle. I will say that your writing 'flows' nicely, and it's easy to read off. Obviously, due to this chapter mainly being based around action, we don't get a lot of characterisation, since all we're getting is the scenario and what's happening. However, I will say that the element of description helps the pacing of the fight scene.
Normally, I'm not really a person who tends to write action - but instead - tends to watch it, in the form of a TV series, anime, movie, etc. I was afraid that this was going to drag on, as I don't associate fight scenes/boss battles with fiction. However, I would say that this chapter doesn't really drag on that much. At some points, it does feel like it's stagnating somewhat, but overall, it does end up being nice to read.
As a matter of the characters so far - I don't really get that much of a feel for them. They seem very promising, and currently, I'd say my favourite characters are Akasuki and Hasegawa. I think when it comes to giving characters personalities, you should make them distinct so that they can be more likeable or easier to relate to. People like Euno and Moriko have the potential to be more than just side-characters who aid our main protagonist in dangerous battles. For that reason, please try to add more characterisation for that aspect! I'm not saying you should rush the addition of this. So far, I think this is a pretty good story, that really could become a great one.
Other than the aforementioned critique, there's nothing much else to say in terms of queries. There are a few grammatical errors here and there, but they can easily be dealt with.
So to end my review, I'll say you left us with a good hook to want more. There is still this mystery which shrouds the so-called Spectrum Knight. I'm looking forward on what happens next.
Good stuff, King :)