|Reviews for Hello, Harajuku!|
| Lolitroy chapter 8 . 7/17/2014
/sets Iero on fire
| Guest chapter 3 . 3/9/2014
Having read through all the initial parts of "Hello, Harajuku!", I'm pretty convinced of several things. First of all, this story has got a plenty of potential, and you seem to know perfectly well where you'd like to take it. Second, your idea for the opening of the story with a short slice-of-life part that gets torn to pieces in a flash is excellent. Third... The chapters one to three should be merged together into a single, long opening ':]
The one and only problem I see with "Hello, Harajuku!" so far is that the chapters themselves don't feel like they hold very much substance. There's just not too much going on in each of them- even in this one- and on their own, they don't look like they contribute much into the story. This impression couldn't be more wrong, though. There's *plenty* going on in your work so far, and when read in one go, the plot gives the reader a lot to ponder on. However, it's divided into such tiny parts that it's hard to get the full picture of how good the opening of your story really is *w*;
I really think that the opening of "HH!" needs a little reorganisation... And nothing more :) I'd put the three opening chapters together, possibly removing the talk with the dean and making the action start in the airport (the details of the talk with the dean could be relayed when each of the characters is introduced, by saying that "It was difficult to even get permission for Aven to go on the trip, because..."). Meshing the slice of life with the fragments of the laboratory scene could also be a good way of increasing tension- Even when the presentation of the main characters goes one, the reader would be constantly reminded that something far, far darker is going on in the shadows.
These few adjustments would probably make it easier to appreciate your story in full- And again, there's plenty to appreciate in here. Looking at the past reviews, I think I'm not alone here. "Hello, Harajuku!" has got so much good stuff going on. It's just the matter of how to present all of it :D
| DevilPogoStick chapter 8 . 3/9/2014
...Well, we found Aden now...Uh, yay? A
But yeah, surprised they did rather well as in not die in this first mission of theirs. But will Aden be back to normal? *recalls what I can remember of Aden* Oh yeah. XD
Keep it up!
| DevilPogoStick chapter 7 . 3/9/2014
...Still surprised they're stuck with this role.
I mean I like the usage of describing what kind of a demon each one of them are. But still...it feels like they might get slaughtered. :(
Keep it up!
| cmaej chapter 8 . 3/9/2014
Aden? Is that you boy?
Why did that idiot soldier hit him? Not only did he run away, but now he's somewhere vulnerable.
| some1eleven chapter 2 . 3/9/2014
I feel a little weird writing this, given that I've given a completely opposite piece of advice to the last two people I've reviewed, but... Looking at this chapter and the previous one, I can't shake off the feeling that the short length is working against them :\
The chapter picks up where the previous one left: In a sleepy, slice-of-life presentation of the characters. As I mentioned before, I like the idea, and my enthusiasm persists through this chapter as well. Showing what the normal lives of your characters are like is essential if you want to rob your characters of them, as you do: It's hard to sympathise with a loss if the reader doesn't know what exactly did the characters loose. I have no doubts that this fragment is going to pay off in the long run and it's well written to boot.
The only thing that worries me is: Does it really have the capacity to stand alone? Does it bring enough to the plot or the pacing to be given its own, individual chapter? Most of all, given how short the first and the second chapters are, wouldn't they be better off as a single, longer part? I like the content of this chapter a lot, but I'm a little worried that when presented as a separate chapter, it proves discouraging to the readers. Especially seeing how the next chapter brings about a big shift in the pacing and the atmosphere of the whole story- The chapter feels more like an interlude between the early introduction at the real action than anything ':]
Please mind me, these are just minor issues of the story organisation- Something very easily solved with a simple copy-paste. As far as the contents of the chapter itself go, I can't find any complaints... Which about shows how much of a good work you did on your story so far :) I'm merely wondering how to present the results of your work in a way that'd give you less "It's so well written, but well, nothing interesting happens!" comments- Because, frankly speaking, I do believe there's a lot to appreciate in this part. It's just the matter of how to organise it into the tale
| some1eleven chapter 1 . 3/9/2014
I've got to agree with everyone else here: For a story with a supernatural / sci-fi tags, the initial chapter feels a perfect piece of a slice of life :) In the hindsight I know how misleading this first impression was, and to be honest, I appreciated how you started your story in such a slow, leisurely way: Setting the stage, introducing the characters and showing them in their natural circumstances sends a very clear message. This is not going to be a story about grizzled heroes, but about everyday young men and women tossed into chaos. The three short paragraphs at the end of the chapter certainly promise that much: Before long, these peaceful days will be over. First of all, if we are to understand your characters and their standing, we need to see just horribly different the events of the tale will be from what they take for granted.
Still, the prologue is quite often the greeting card of the story. It will be the part that's going to leave the first impression on the reader, and for that reason, it's often a good idea to make it show the real "flavour" of your piece: What is it going to be like, what will it be about, what the readers should expect of it :) In the case of "Hello, Harajuku!", the prologue does not reflect the piece very well. After all, as I alredy found out from reading the further chapters, this tale is about anything but dealing with the administrative problems in the dean's office _'
I reallly liked this chapter, and I think it makes a good opening for your plot. Yet, I'm not sure if it's the best way to open your piece. I think "HH!" could use yet another opening chapter: A short, intense piece that'd let the reader see what should they expect of the action in the full bloom. Something more embedded in the atmosphere of the further chapters that'd help your audience make up their mind about your story.
It's not to say that the story didn't catch my interest, though- the final few paragraphs made me absolutely sure that I'd want to know where the action is going :D
| cmaej chapter 7 . 3/9/2014
LOL Kay has a tramp stamp. Although I know this is supposed to be the info-dump chapter, it doesn't feel like it. I can't wait for some action, though.
| cmaej chapter 6 . 3/9/2014
I had a feeling Sam and company did not have much of a choice. It's sad that they are either used as weapons, or die. I'm sure this will lead to them fighting against Aden.
| cmaej chapter 5 . 3/9/2014
Though Kay is not one of my favorite characters, I'm glad she doesn't have to die, for Sam's sake. I guess it would be too coincidental if all his friends happened to be alright.
| DevilPogoStick chapter 6 . 3/8/2014
Yes, he finally admits it...Because if he didn't I hoped someone would smack him with a shoe.
I'm surprised Sam and group are...Well, basically conscripted into this, despite having no experience. It seems the situation is just god awful. TAT
Not sure if they'll find Aden but...It probably won't be pretty.
Keep it up!
| DevilPogoStick chapter 5 . 3/8/2014
...I can't help but feel that Sam is either in denial or is a fucking dumbass of the highest degree.
At this point, I doubt science can truly explain this crap.
Nevertheless...poor Kay. :(
Hell, poor everyone, this just sucks. :(
Keep it up!
| DevilPogoStick chapter 4 . 3/8/2014
Oh good god, it gets worse. QAQ
...I fucking hate those scientists now.
The fact it just became so very dark now leaves me rather depressed, something that hasn't been felt since Eden Guard.
LOL Fairy Tail...The manga or the genre he's talking about? XD
While Sam did kill that demon attacking his friends...I can't help but feel that it was a poor smuck nevertheless trapped in a "him or us" situation...Damn that's dark.
Keep it up!
| DevilPogoStick chapter 3 . 3/8/2014
...Holy crap, I i did not expect that. OAo
While the beginning of the chapter shows signs of life changing actions about to be done...You wouldn't expect it to happen right off the bat. :(
What will happen to Sam and the gang?
Keep it up!
| Y. S. Wong chapter 2 . 3/8/2014
Plot's defs moving too slow though. Chapter One and they're just barely on the plane.
Lots of characters. Hard to tell who's who. But that's my problem, not yours. (*w*)
Not much to say. Just a lot of playful inter-character banter this chapter. Can't wait for the kiddies to get broken. (*w*)