|Reviews for Aeterna Children|
| alltheeagles chapter 5 . 3/22/2014
For the RG EF
I like the humour in this chapter – the coffee maker joke, the tacky dress code joke, the health department joke. Funny! Even the harassment count was kind of funny. I know it isn’t easy to write genuinely funny humour, so kudos to you. I also like how, in the brief encounter between Brock and Kieran, Kieran’s head was full of Adrik. That was sick, but it was also like a threesome in a way. Anyway it’s good that you didn’t have them jump into bed right away or anything like that, cause that would have been really unrealistic, no matter how attractive Kieran finds Brock.
| Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 7 . 3/22/2014
Hehehehehehehehehehe(; I love this chapter(:
hahaha update soon.
I don't know why, but I started another story called "Son Of Wicked". Can you check it out? (hakuna matata, I am still writing Shattered Resistance)
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 3/22/2014
Hello from the Review Game!
So I think my first thought after finishing this chapter is "Man, Adrik sure is a dick." haha. But he also comes across as a pretty complicated character, which is cool. He really does think that 'using torture to train somehow how to withstand torture' is a valid practice, and his convictions make him a very shady, possibly volatile character. Plus the conflict between Kieran, and the implied rape / other nasty things that happened between them, create some tension right from the beginning, which I liked. I think it draws the reader into the situation and we immediately become involved in their relationship, as well as get a nice feel for either character due to how they react around each other. Because Kieran finds Adrik's method of "training" abhorrent, I can then assume Kieran is probably more of a "good guy" when it comes to how he treats other people.
I think the prologue doesn't really carry the weight it needs to in order to warrant its existence. In this situation, I recommend expanding it or cutting it because I'm not sure I see how it's important. We don't get much of a feel for Ashley to make Kieran's loss of his sister anymore sympathetic than it would be were we not to have seen her at all. And I think there's supposed to be a tie between the weird man Kieran sees at the end of the prologue and the man who brings him to the organization? But I wasn't sure. So yeah, I think in order to make the prologue feel like it's needed or belongs where it is, it needs to have more weight or tie more into the story.
| cybersheep chapter 5 . 3/22/2014
deck the halls with boughs of holly, falalalalalalalala, tis the weekend to be jolly...okay i'll stop there. I am back and ready to review :D!
Opening/Ending: you stated earlier that you didn't have a past portion, but it actually works fine without it I think. granted, i don't know what was in the past portion so perhaps it would have blown me away and i've been denied an amazing experience. shame on you. but other than that, i think it is cool to see kieran on his first day of work. It escaped me somehow that his job was a cleaner/maid so I had this puzzled expression on my face as i was watching him comment on how dirty the office was haha. two things went through my mind: 1) "since when is kieran such a neat freak? maybe that's because he lived with adrik. adrik seems like a neat freak" and 2) "this child is gonna get his ass /fired/". needless to say i was highly amused at their flirting all over the place esp the quip about the maid costume. looks like /someone/ is kinky ;). um, i will say, and this is totally a personal, but the mentions of the 'sexual harassment' tally, gave me a bit of a jiffy tummy? i can see it was used entirely as a joke here, but it was a bit uncomfortable. but again, this is just personal reaction and no indictment on your writing/plot/etc! um, what else was i going to say - that aside, i really thought their flirting was hilarious. they are quite comfortable with each other already, which bodes very well for a future relationship. I think it is more um...obvious how well they are getting along when you compare with how kieran's relationship with adrik is - in a word horrific. i also love how this is a /proper/ love triangle where x is in love with y who wants z instead of the current obsession with everyone wanting y because y is a sparkly unicorn. so yes, wonderful beginning! The ending i feel was a tiny tiny bit rushed? It could do with a bit of expanding on the artifacts and how they aren't there and maybe Kieran looking about the office a bit. Nothing huge, but just so it doesn't end so abruptly :)
oh random thing i just thought of. isn't an inch of dust a /lot/? i mean, even brock would have to notice thaaaat :P
Characters/Relationships: did adrik lock kieran in a cage? i swear that was the first thing that went through my mind when he couldnt laugh at the cage joke and i was very sad. srsly, the poor lil thing is a damaged squirrel. it is amazing that he manages to keep his head on at all what with all this trauma. i think i already mentioned that brock/kieran's flirting was amusing! this new character maria i dont know about but i am ready to love her ! i liked the fact that you used "rubenesque" to describe what she looked like! its not a term that you see very often and gave an immediate image of what she looked like. i also thought it was cool that you connected her rhinestone ornament (i think hair tie) with brock's shoes earlier - interchapter connections yay! it makes brock's team look very cohesive in a way - or it shows me at least that that is how kieran sees them, which helps me to visualise them as such as well. I do think there is no need to describe her voice as exotic though, but that might be because i don't understand what that would mean, or how that is distinct from just having a heavy accent. Chloe behaved JUST the way i thought chloe would behave and it made em chuckle especially at the thought of her wearing a fake smile when we know chloe hates smiling as a general principle (except of course when its at brock, muahaha, but then who wouldnt smile at him?). brock continues in the same fashion entirely too sure of himself manner from earlier. i must say i was surprised when he suddenly kissed kieran - not because it didn't fit but because i would have expected his demeanor to switch to professional in the office, but nooooo, not brock. he doesnt even question that kieran will like what he has to offer because he is brock. That quip that Kieran made about brock being a sex god, in my opinion was especially apt, because like 1) the IRONY and 2) he behaves like a sex god. hullo zeus and picking random maidens to be his love slaves. i dont think he ever even thought of the term formal consent :P. its REALLY cool how these little details you sprinkle in about the characters play out so well in everything they are doing!
Writing/Dialogue: hullo there kieran and not telling me what to feel! he was such a good boy this chapter! i didnt have to tell him to shut up once. i really feel he is just too distracted by brock and thus just lets himself be in the course of the writing . we got along so well this chapter i was all misery when he went off to close the office and didn't want to play with me anymore. i've got no issues with you on dialogue, but there were a few grammar things. i'm not too good at these so i'm just going to post the few that i found:
“do to health code violations” - should be "due to..."
"according to brock hadn’t had any since he took control” — missing word?
Plot: i wasn't sure where to put this next one so i'll put it here. the fact that he knows so many languages got me wondering. do the aeterna's children have super intelligence too in addition to their super powers? like how did he learn so many languages? they must have some serious training facilities for sure! other than that, there was a weird time shift with dr. um finian? and this is probably me being an idiot again but he comes to kieran's work and then suddenly kieran is in his office and then suddenly kieran is back at his job? And this happens in the space of a paragraph. i wasn't sure if I was meant to assume some juju had happened or if time is just moving hyper speed or something? I am still REALLY intrigued to know what these children are, especially since kieran felt a rush when he was near brock. does that mean that they are gods too? or half gods? or god-like? or something else? the only thing i can figure out right now is that they can come back to life. :/ also, are these aeterna's children from aeterna families? basically, was ashley one, too? or is it every other child?
ANSWER MA QUESTIONS! *hyperventilates*
all in all i really liked this chapter! there was kissing and plotness and twistyness (oh my!). we also got to see brock in his natural habitat and it reinforces how he could have been kicked out for trying to sleep with someone he shouldn't have been and starting up a storm. seriously, the man has no control even after years of exile:P
see you next chapter!
| alltheeagles chapter 4 . 3/22/2014
For the RG EF
Another change of scene? Aha, I see it now: you’re alternating between POVs. Well, between timeframes too for that matter. That undoubtedly has an impact on the comprehensibility of what’s going on. I’m still ok, but I just wonder if some readers might be getting a little confused by this jumpiness of the narration. I like the touches of humour, like the hot dogs/buns mystery and the sarcastic burning to death remark (but I wonder if perhaps that one was literal – did Tessa cause the ‘freak fire’?).
My second comment: It’s kind of cool that your characters are not at all coy when it comes to having the hots for each other, and I rather like the candidness of that. You can almost smell the hormones in the air in the scene between Kieran and Brock. Incidentally it looks like Kieran has been permanently cast as the passive partner, huh? Finally, I’m still not too sure what is it that the Aeterna children can do. Do they have superhero powers of some kind?
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 6 . 3/21/2014
This one took me a while to review. I've just been so tired lately. But anyhow, some little stuff: the part where Adrik rushed in to greet his daughter was a teensy bit rushed; I would just flesh it out a bit more, so it makes a bit more sense :3
Anyhow, I think, my favourite scenes were the Christian scenes. I liked the hint of his being in love with Adrik, after all, and I enjoyed their scene together; it’s just nice to read about Christian having waited up for his lover :3 And their interactions are fun!
I liked the beginning scene with Aria; she seems so temperamental, and arrogant, but that only makes her more interesting. I enjoy how she’s so convinced of her abilities, and I admire her desire to excel, even if it means going against orders. I was pleased, in the end, that her belief in herself paid off (even if she should learn to curb her temper a bit, and listen to elders more).
| Ghost Divsion chapter 1 . 3/21/2014
I like the direction of your story and where it seems to be headed. The idea of children that can die and constantly be reborn is very intriguing. However, for all your descriptions of what the Arterna Children are, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of background on them or what they do. Filling this part of your story out would be better for the story's atmosphere.
| lookingwest chapter 3 . 3/20/2014
The uniqueness of bringing in Greek myth to the story is something I didn't see coming, and I like that. The downside is that I'm just not sure I like Brock, either. Right now the only character that seems to not really be a scumbag is Kieran, which is fine, but if your intention is for us to actually *like* and sympathize with characters like Brock and Adrick, it might take some more warming up for me, personally. I felt Brock was sleezy - mostly because I didn't think setting him up as an attempted rapist was probably the best way to go IF you want us to like him either - the whole reference to him trying to have his way with Europa when he was younger was meh for me in its implications. Things were not direct, but it was well enough on the surface. I know Greek myth is full of that kind of thing, but eep. It made his quip about not wanting to go down to earth and fall in love with a mortal a little strange - he did not come apart as a romantic-type to me at all! Way more interested in just getting what he wants (sex) and leaving!
That being said, I like how later in the present we see some development in that department where he references Masie and their prior affairs. It was also nice to see that they're still friends and familiar with one another. I thought you did a good job showing how he's grown and perhaps matured a little more (though telling someone at work they should get laid and that will fix their problems was a little er, sexist or something, I'm not really sure - just out of place, haha).
Okay - liked your ending too, with the introduction for Kiki, because I think it's showing how expansive your world is. It makes me wonder if the Greek gods are still around in the present times or how powerful they are in relation to the rest of the Supe world. Very creative world-building, though, for sure!
| alltheeagles chapter 3 . 3/20/2014
For the RG EF
I like the creativity of your plot, though I won't pretend I truly understand said plot just yet. So far what I got is that there's group of people (the Aeterna children) with 'powers' (?) whom the government wants to make use of, and Kieran was one of them and they had a weird little-girl leader. And then suddenly there are gods and half-gods and voodoo dolls. However, I optimistically assume that the connection will be made clear by and by. I also like your zany characters. House-ghost! Batty former lover! Even battier granddaughter of former lover - with POWERS! Starchy female PA! They all have distinctive personalities. My only concern is that there'll soon be too many characters for my poor little brain to keep up with...
| cybersheep chapter 4 . 3/20/2014
what is this? an actual review? i'm surprising myself with the quickness of these! *pats self on back*
Opening/Ending: woah, he has a twin sister? did not see that coming at /all/, but then its you so I should stop expecting that I'm going to see these surprises coming. I am continuously amazed how damaged the relationship between Adrik and Kieran has become and I think it is tactical genius to keep reminding us because it amps up the importance of what happened to ruin it. Like really, what could Adrik have done that was unforgiveable? Also, bringing in Tessa makes his whole plan to break into Brock's unit much more realistic, like i can see why he is risking so much for it. So yes, basically, wonderful beginning. The ending was tasteful as well. It didn't pack as much of a punch as the last one (or maybe i'm just biased for the ghostie, she's so cool), but I liked following Kieran's thought processes, including the who/what/where/when/why of the Brock scheme and the entire conversation about what he was going to wear. I feel like even though it is such a random conversation so much character development and relationship detangling was done. I could pull it apart forever, but I'm meant to be being helpful so I shall not. But, yes, wonderful little convo there and nice ending.
- Characters/Relationships: Kieran/Brock already, hmmm LE INTERESTING! Granted, Brock is the intimidating hot man so I can see where that is coming from, but I do wonder if his doesn't smack a little of a long-term rebound case? Kieran from what I've seen so far seems to have this need to attach himself to someone. In the very beginning it was his father/older sister (not wanting to go out on the outing without her? most little boys i know would be thrilled to have their dad to themselves), his attachment to Tessa a twin he didn't know he had, and yet he showed attachment to her the way he did to ashley who he'd known his whole life. And then of course there was his whole time with Adrik where he pretty much is a little puppy who decides his every move on what Adrik may or may not want, and now Brock and his almost gut-spilling session. It is almost psychological the way he bounces from minder to minder and I am wondering where this is going to end up - or if it will end up somewhere! Also, sorry I'm not criticizing this at all - im just peeling apart Kieran to try and figure out what lies in his heart since even though this is his pov mostly, he still keeps so much hidden. I know why Brock is so pissy with him.
ALSO, i'm sorry, but currently, Adrik is coming off as a tiny bit creepy. IM TRYING TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND THOUGH.
Writing/Dialogue: Kieran is still doing that thing where he assumes I'm an idiot and tells me what emotions I should be understanding from various things. Please tell him that while I appreciate his concern, he has much bigger problems, like the hot FBI (but not really FBI) guy he is trying to seduce. That being said, the dialogue is all age appropriate for everyone. HOW DO YOU MAKE ADULTS SOUND LIKE ADULTS. TEACH ME YOUR SECRETS. achem.
The only conversation that I'm not too sure about was Brock and Kieran's. As a point of clarification, was Brock purposely flustering Kieran so he could get the truth out of him or was that just something that happened because Brock is hotstuff? Also, even though Brock likes Kieran, he seems to have a split personality about it. On the one he's all "dont lie to me rah rah rah" and on the other hand he's ridiculously casual about this child who, from his chart, looks like he's coming from a /world/ of trouble. Like i mean, I'd be looking at Kieran sideways if he wanted to join my group. Is Brock that sure of his power and his position that he feels no threat at all?
Btw, LOVED when he stopped Kieran from spilling his guts. I might have swooned just a little bit. JUST a bit.
Plot: Random, but did you ever watch Angel (the spin-off to Buffy the Vampire Slayer)? The idea of a supernatural branch of an organization run by a supernatural being reminds me of that. Yours of course is different so far, but it was nice in a familiar kind of way to see it. I think the pace is still natural, we're at chapter four and our mains have met and Kieran's drive has been flushed out enough for us to care that he gets what he wants. You chose to jump the sexual tension early, a fact that i don't have an issue with, but it does promise for chaos later, muahahah.
- Setting: um, so usually, I don't harp on setting since i am the worst offender, but I think you might want to spend a little more time on the setting. For example, I wasn't aware that he was at a club other that for the fact that he said he was at a club and I really would have liked to see a little more of that. Not anything outrageous, but just enough
lala, see you next chapter
p.s. made it through a review WITHOUT giving spoilers for the wrong story. I pat myself on the back excessively.
| alltheeagles chapter 2 . 3/19/2014
For the RG EF
I like how you try to show things from Adrik's perspective - that he LOVES Kieran and so everything he did was acceptable because of that - in contrast to Kieran's in the previous chapter, which is basically 'Adrik is a psycho'. Whose perspective is the 'correct' one depends on the reader's own personality type, I suppose. My second comment is that I don't think I like Adrik very much at the moment, because I don't generally like promiscuous characters. On the other hand, he looks set to be a multi-layered character, and I do like complexity in a character, so I guess there's always a possibility that Adrik might grow on me after a few more chapters if I keep reading.
| Deedee Elle chapter 1 . 3/19/2014
Hi from RG.
First thing I noticed was there is quite a bit of repetition such as Keiran's mum calling Keiran to come down the stairs and he running down the stairs, she reminds him about his coat then does his coat up, fiddles with his zipper and zips it up. do you see what I mean? There is nothing wrong with reusing words but the repetition gets a bit repetitive when used repeatedly (-;
I noticed that your language changed once you got past the prologue so maybe it was intentional to try portray how a child would think or write. I felt some of it was a bit rushed though and moved on very quickly, but included details that don't seem that important at the moment.
You fitted a lot into this chapter so some of the pace was a bit slow but then skipped over other parts, or included them almost in passing. If you come back to redraft this I'd suggest maybe splitting it into two shorter chapters and expanding them both with a bit more background shown not just mentioned in passing.
There were some phrases in this I really liked. The young Keiran crying into his knees and Adrik staring up with the innocence of a predator stood out.
Your dialogue was really good, you managed to give the characters distinctive voices. I also like how you portray Adrik as such a nasty piece of work, he comes across really well drawn out. The setup of having immortal characters is also intriguing.
| Kicks-and-Giggles chapter 3 . 3/19/2014
"Of course it did[;] the man was the king of the gods[,] after all[, and] everyone was scared of him."
"… had barely been around as Brock had grown up [and] was a constant was it that Brock was a constant disappointment to his father[?]"
"Mortals lives were so [soft] and delicate." I understand what you're trying to say in this section - that mortals could die any moment and that Brock is afraid of attachment to the mortals because of this. But I think that paragraph could use a rewrite. As it stands now, it sounds so clinical, that Brock is calculating he would experience heartbreak and therefore doesn't want to live with the mortals. Perhaps if you were to say something like, "Mortals' lives were too delicate to be interfered with by the gods. Worse, he feared what would happen were he to actually *like* living among the mortals. What would happen when those he cared for died as mortals were wont to do? Die… what a scary word." Something that would make Brock sound more like the bleeding heart I think you're trying to make him out to be? Just a suggestion!
"[Your] son was fighting with Talos."
"… are suffering because of your son[,] Comus."
"… Comus claimed broke[;] his mother…"
"[Your] powers will be limited…"
I'm wondering what you meant by "she smiled down at him in a way no aunt should look at their nephew"? Does that mean what I think it means - does she have a thing for Brock? But then you said that he was glad she was being sweet to him…?
Gawrsh, I love how you developed Brock's character. Of COURSE Kieran is going to fall for this guy! He's so sweet and troubled and burdened! I like how caring he is of Chloe (especially because their relationship is so platonic… and especially because I already love Chloe's character!) Nice job with all of that!
Haha, you like your commas, don't you? A lot of them need to be swapped out either with a semi-colon to separate the two individual, related sentences or a period:
"Tabatha lived in [an] old, creepy house.[Its] grey paint was pealing and a few of [its] shutters were hanging off their was rather fitting for a witch."
"… then he'd talked to her and realized the reason[:] she was bat-shit crazy."
Oooh, what an interesting concept: I love how you're exploring that inevitable "I'm immortal, the woman I love isn't" dealio that most stories like these ignore. (Ex: Superman. What WILL he do when Lois Lane dies?!) I think I would have liked to see more of that emotion develop, though. I think we saw some nostalgia on Brock's part at watching Masie grow old, but (if he was really in love with her) I'd like to see more of denial or longing or heartbreak on both of their parts. Perhaps Brock doesn't like to visit their house because it just reminds him of the bittersweet memories of their past and what he can't have in the future? Perhaps he visits only to see his granddaughter? Perhaps he still keeps in touch with them (perhaps despite Masie's objections) because he wants to enjoy every last moment he can get with Masie? Something deeper than glancing nostalgia would add more impact to the story, I think.
I must say: I LOVE the characters you're introducing! Especially Brock's acquaintances! EVERY. SINGLE. ONE! I love how Tabatha is crazy, how Chloe is shy and guarded, how Kiki is … also crazy! :P A resident ghost who is like a "wife without the benefits"? Haha, so clever! Personally, I think each character needs more of their own screen time, particularly for the introductions, just because they're so unique. I'd have loved to see their introductions spaced out more over the span of a few chapters, perhaps? Even if you have them show up right away (especially someone like Chloe, who's more demure in her character so people someone who's just meeting her (like the reader) may not figure her out immediately) explain them more in a later chapter so that it doesn't feel rushed?
Nice job, once again! Glad I got you as a Review Trade partner! :D
| Kicks-and-Giggles chapter 2 . 3/19/2014
"… laying on the beach with his hands behind his head.[H]e appeared…"
Adrik seems to be... weirdly twisted in terms of how he thinks about Kieran and how he thinks all of his abuse was justified. Creepy! It makes me feel more sympathetic towards Kieran but also makes me wonder what kind of an upbringing Adrik had. I like how you've layered his character - how he believes what he's doing is right; how he is apparently in love with not one, not two, but three people; how he's obsessively protective of Kieran... It makes the character very... potent, I think. I'm interested to see how he develops in the rest of the story!
I like this FBI twist to the story! I'm looking forward to the intensity it will likely bring to the story! I wonder why exactly Kieran is joining Brock Lander's group - who is this "person he loves" that you described in the summary?
I also like that you haven't beat us over the head with this new world of the Aeterna Children you've created; you're allowing the readers to figure out little details about them bit by bit instead of explaining it all at once and making us suffer through it. :P
And, finally, I was a bit confused about what Adrik and Lily were talking about towards the end of this chapter. I'm guessing you'll reveal what you mean by "Christian is the reason you and Father aren't together anymore," but as it stands, that statement is more confusing than it is mysterious. I think if you were to explain it a bit more from Adrik's perspective, it would help?
| Whirlymerle chapter 6 . 3/18/2014
[Most don't find out they are different until they are at least twelve.] since you’re writing in past tense should be “didn’t…were…were”
[in their second lifes] lives
Ooh, awkward. I’m cringing with Aria right now. I think, at the end of that scene, when Donald reveals himself, you could have milked the awkwardness more with sensory imagery. Besides going pale, how else does she respond when she learns this?
I like how you change the way you refer Donald from “boy” to “man.” I thought that showed the change in Aria’s perspective really well.
[Liam called siting back down] sitting
So at the end of Aria’s “past” section, I thought Donald said something interesting about choice—that done of them had one. I was really intrigued, and I think it would be interesting if you expanded that discussion a bit more. I personally think that’s a really dangerous assumption to live by, especially coming from one of the leaders of the AC, because when you’re acting like you don’t have free will, well, that kind of implies that you don’t have to take responsibility for your actions, and I’d be interested in seeing that idea play out.
Haha, I like the “growing human being” line.
The other part that I was at once confused and interested in is Christian’s past section when Iden apparently kills him. Is it part of AC training for guys to get molested by other guys?
I like the part in Christian’s present where Christian considers how he’ll never gain weight/grow taller/older again. The mood changed from great to miserable, and I really like how you display the benefits and shortcomings of being immortal.