Reviews for Aeterna Children
cybersheep chapter 3 . 3/18/2014
back again! i've a bit of time on my hands so I thought i'd be productive! but enough about me and on to you!

Writing/other: there are a few spelling/grammar mistakes that need to be cleaned up. I noted them down then lost my notebook (:/) but a quick run-through should catch them. also, an issue you have this chapter that you didn't have in the previous ones are some intense run-on sentences? one example that comes to mind is this one: "When brock had first met her he’d wondered why she would have trouble catching a man, then he’d talked to her and realized the reason, she was bat shit crazy." This sentence was so long, that the meaning got lost a bit toward the end. it almost seems to suggest that the reason she is batshit crazy was because she had no man, which i dont think is what you were going for.

Character: i really liked the old lady, tabatha's grandmother masie? i think she was a really classy lady and i loved every single second of their introduction. I also think that you did a spectacular job with the ghost. She was actually well rendered for someone who has no body. I think you have a stronger characterization ability for characters who aren't your mains because you don't feel the need to explain the things they do as much and so their own personalities shine much more vividly because our imaginations are allowed to carry most of the slack. These two characters (masie and ghostie) were very much alive for me and i really hope they contribute to the rest of the narrative. I also liked the fact that the chicken dancing wasn't a random thing - like it actually had a believable precedent i.e. girl with magic punishing a cheating ex. i think you brought up the fact that it wasn't just a weird prank very well and amped our reason to care about it by talking about the effect it would have on the man. One thing, I would have liked to see a bit more of was the fact that this was indeed a supernatural agency? This might be my fault as i've forgotten a bit of the things that happened in chapter one when this place is first introduced, but it would be nice to be reminded exactly what brock is (in the present day) and what he did in more concrete terms.

oh and brock's little musing about keiran and how he should have not lied, was really cool. interesting too since, no offence to brock, but im pretty sure he's no stranger to tall tales. like you'd think he of all people would understand what it is like to have to hide your identity.

WHICH REMINDS ME. ZEUS. haha, i was so not expecting that. It is cool though because it means Brock isn't going to die on Keiran and vice versa. though it does make me wonder if at all they are related - like in their creation? and what the hell are these aeterna children actually supposed to be? its very very page turny. The best bit in that whole god scene for me would be the description of the storm that was killing people. i love how even though it is a very supernatural element it was made tangible because we could see the damage that was caused. also it make the punishment actually seem like it was worth being given and not an excuse for the gods to have temper tantrums.

Dialogue: um, for the most part the dialoge was smooth (basically everything ghostie girl and masie say was gold). i do see you have a tendency to have a character express an emotion and then explain why they are expressing that emotion. I think that the emotive writing is strong enough so you don't have to do that. it makes the writing otherwise seem repetitive which could put people off

Ending: "wife swap". enough said. just. i laughed and hurt myself and laughed again. i think you have special ending writing ability or something. congratulations on another great one.

confusion: okay one thing that was weird - brock is tabatha's grandfather, i'm assuming. so why when he has that thought about how crazy she is, he speaks as if he only became aware of this child when she was fully grown, or she's just some random aquaintence? like i would have more expected him to think "it didnt surprise him that she couldn't hold down a man despite being so beautiful. the girl was batshit crazy" or something? or maybe i'm misunderstanding their relationship...

anyway, this was enjoyable! next time i think im gonna add a category for plot...

thank you very much for writing!

alltheeagles chapter 1 . 3/18/2014
For the RG EF

I like the lucidity of your prose for the most part. No long complicated sentences to puzzle over, so that I can concentrate on the long complicated plot instead. There's a lot to be digested, but so far I've got the gist of it, I think. Personally, I prefer a slower rate of information dissemination, but well, this can work too. I also like the description of the 'leader', with her grown-up behaviour juxtaposed with her childish quirks. She reminds me of the little-girl vampire in that movie with Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise. On the improvement front, I find your change of scenes a little jarring with the big bold words (incidentally what does AC-AC-AC mean?). Could there be a more subtle way of indicating that?
cybersheep chapter 2 . 3/18/2014
hihi! cybersheep again! i noticed in your a/n that this chapter isn't betad so I will not spend a lot of time poking at simple edity things! also i'm going to do this review in the style of the in depth review because it helps me organise my thoughts :)

Writing/other: there's a definite improvement in diction in this chapter. i definitely felt that the prose was woven in with the dialogue and the action much better so that i didn't feel at all slowed down when i was reading. i also felt that your transitions were really well done, which aided in the smooth reading from beginning to finish. i still think the amount of asides for explanation could be masked a little more.

Character: it was a brilliant move to show the past relationship between keiran and adrik as your openning for this chapter, because it set the tone for the rest of it. i especially liked how christian's being thrown into the water linked with adrik's thoughts about what he would have to do to kieran later that day. nice, nice continuity. i think i clapped in delight when i saw that. from a reader perspective, i think i would have liked more of the emotional side to kieran and adrik's relationship to shine through in he beginning paragraph? in later times it sounds like adrik genuinely misses kieran as a person, but when you see that first bit, it sounds decidedly sexual. nothing about how he describes his charge points to anything about his person, you know? i am not sure if that was intended but it is a definite contrast between the past and the present. Um, oh, i loved the way you showed Kieran as this wide-eyed trusting individual, because it really explains why he is so hurt and angry and betrayed. When you give that kind of trust to someone, you can't imagine that they will hurt you. When they do, there isn't enough bandages in the world to heal that rift. Also, grown up kieran is acting like such a teenager i had to giggle. I think it is cool you had him not speak. It is almost as if he is giving us the readers silent treatment, too.

In terms of other characters, I'm unsure as to the motivation for the scene with Christian? Is it to establish Adrik's frustration? To show a relationship he's having? Just somethign that happens? I mean I wouldn't harp on it, but later Adrik explains to lily that there can be nothing between him and her father, and after seeing that scene you genuinely wonder, why not? can it really just be christian?

Dialogue ending : hands down, that last dialogue piece with lily was the best. I love the talk about her father and the ocean. I've mentioned it earlier in the review but i want to emphasize it. it made me feel so strangely close to this girl lily who imagines things that aren't true, because they make her happy. I really really enjoyed that part and thought it was a nice and strong way to end your chapter. Ultimately, these children/people sound like outcasts. Their realities are hell. All they have is their dreams and by showing us the flimsiness of their show us how sad their lives are and that breaks our hearts (in a good way)

nice chapter! i shall be checking in on the others soon


Ending: I don’t - I can’t even. Your endings are always priceless with humor and this one certainly doesn’t disappoint. This one isn’t exactly “humorous” per se, but instead I can see where you are beginning to tie everything together. You’re bringing Limitless and Col and Molly and Vari together, and I’m half afraid to see what chaos the four will wreck together. Then you would have one disoriented bacterium, kleptomaniac drug, and two “rich” kids. I don’t know, but if this doesn’t spell ominous future, I don’t know what will. “Hello, brother” doesn’t make this any better (it totally makes it more terrifying).
The Littlest Mouse chapter 1 . 3/18/2014
Please know that this is the only chapter of yours that I can review. I'm not allowed to read M-rated material.

You have a good start here, but it's vague and EXTREMELY slow. Also, your writing style is a little clunky.
Kicks-and-Giggles chapter 1 . 3/18/2014
The first thing I noticed and liked a lot about the story is the difference in voices between Kieran's "younger" scene and "present" scene. He's so much bitter as an older guy, isn't he? I think that really came through in the writing. I like it!

In terms of the opening, I don't think the scene accomplished what you had intended to (and I'm guessing as to what that is here: introducing the strange man with the warm brown eyes?) I'm wondering if you'd be better served by starting with the present and having Kieren either think back or dream about the man with the brown eyes? I know that's a cheap and overused trick… so if you want to keep your opening as is, I'd suggest condensing it, trying to have a different purpose for it other than introducing the brown eyed man (because, as it stands, we get that introduction at the very end of those first two scenes, which makes the rest of the first two scenes seem boring and unrelated). Just my two cents. :)

Oooh, Adrik is *not* a pleasant dude! I thought you did a good job getting that message across!
Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 6 . 3/17/2014
Ooh, more Adrik(:
and now that I know more about Christian, I love him too.(:
another song for this story...i do not know why, but it reminds me of Adrik and Christian: California king bed by Rihanna (:

great chapter. Update soon.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 5 . 3/17/2014
I read this chapter earlier today (much earlier), but was so tired I could barely string any sentences together, but my innermost reaction was: THEY FINALLY KISSED :D As a long-standing reader and fangirl of slash/yaoi novels, I really need to congratulate you on building up the UST really well. I was really feeling the ‘tension’ throughout the whole chapter, and by the time the kiss happened, I was cheering and grinning like an idiot :3. I guess that means I’m enjoying this story on a very shallow level, but I don’t see that as a bad thing.

One thing I feel you do really well is write dialogue; it’s full of banter and fun – and not so subtle subtext. I do like the way Brock hits on Kieran, and I like how Kieran reacts to him, being just as playful and not at all against the ‘sexual harassment’. It’s fun to read that, because it introduces chemistry, which I feel is an important competent of any well-written romance.

The kiss was well-written – I have no complaints there, just the right amount of detail :3

So Kieran is going to go through with the ‘he’s a virgin’ ploy? I wonder if he’ll be able to fool Brock with that, but we’ll see XD (I mean, realistically, you can’t really tell physically with guys or girls even – no matter what some very popular ‘myths’ out there try to dictate). Actually, scratch that – I do think he’ll be able to fool Brock if he’s really nervous or tense. …I’ll stop now, but I just want to say that I find that whole idea rather hot.

I generally liked the easy writing style of this chapter, though I felt the end – after the kiss – was a bit rushed. You might want to slow down a bit there?

Okay, I don't have really anything else to say or add. This was a fun piece to read. Thanks for sharing!
Jitterbug Blues chapter 4 . 3/16/2014
(Warning for typos: I’m beyond tired XDD.)

I'd offer to beta for you, but I really don't have the time ;_; I'm struggling to even get those reviews out, but anyhow, another fun chapter: I enjoyed the glimpse into Kieran’s past, especially in regards to his fear of Adik. You could tell that he was scared, and that he was very careful not to displease the older man. You really did a great job portraying, yet again, how unhealthy this relationship was –

(I’m interested in Tessa too, and how she relates to Kieran’s plans to join the paranormal section of the FBI and *why*.)

Which raises the question: can Adik not take a hint? What are his motives? Why does he keep hanging around Kieran’s apartment? Haha, you don’t have to answer these questions, I’m just wondering openly, because I can’t tell if he’s a villain, or a character who’s going to be one of the ‘good guys’. But I don’t mind, because it just makes things more interesting. I definitely do like the way you hint at his not being good for Kieran; Kieran, as annoyed as he is by Adik, is still very dependent on him, as indicated by that one scene where he asks the man, indirectly, for his opinion.

Also, oddly enough, I do enjoy the banter between the two of them, like Adik stating that Kieran is dressing up to get laid, and then saying that Kieran should pretend to be a virgin XD. Those parts were fun :3

I also enjoyed the parts where Kieran mused over how much he wanted Brock; both the scene towards the end, and the club scene were fun to read, because you can tell he’s attracted :D (also, it would be hot if he pretended to be a virgin).

Also the club scene was hot: I enjoyed the way you focused on Kieran’s lust, and I also liked some of your wordings, like Kieran holding a rope with frayed ends. Some of the lines were a bit cliché, but not necessarily bad – you don’t have to remove or edit them, as I’ve seen lots of slash novels use even more cliché lines (and they can be guilty pleasure :3). I definitely enjoy your dialogue 33.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 3 . 3/16/2014
I’m really tired, so this will be yet another useless review, but – as I said – I’m reviewing this for fun, and not to be uber constructive. There were a few things, prose-wise, that could be a bit tighter (but some of them are YMMV), and the other issues were some small errors like ‘it’s’ instead of ‘its’ (in the beginning passage where you introduce where Tabby lives). Actually, I think that’s all I wanted to say on the constructive front :3 Oh, you also have a slight tendency to overwrite, as in repeating the same thing a couple of times? It’s mostly noticeably in the scene where Kieran stalks Brock, and Brock muses how he can see through him. It’s not a big issue, but I just thought I’d say something :3. Otherwise, I like your style? It’s light and very readable.

Hmm, I’m intrigued by the Brock is a ‘half god’ angle, mostly because it was unexpected, but also because it’s rather creative? I like the idea that he got punished to live forever, and see his loved ones die over and over again. I really liked that beginning passage, because you showcased how bitter he is, and how bad his family life is – especially his drunken father /3. I also liked how you characterised the gods, especially Zeus who does as he wishes, even if he claims he’s being democratic.

I liked the insight you gave us into Brock too; I like his bond with Chloe, because it shows a softer side of him, and definitely made me think of him as a decent guy. I also like his bond with Masie, because you make clear how much respect he has for, and how much he misses it when she was still young ): (though, I wonder, what speaks against him being with her now? Age shouldn’t necessarily be an issue).

I liked the stalking scene, because it showed that Brock is definitely interested in Kieran :D I like that he’s admitting his attraction, and I can already predict more fun stuff happening in this department :3

Haha, lastly: the ghost is fun :P
Jitterbug Blues chapter 2 . 3/16/2014
Sorry, my reviews are happening slowly; I’m busy as a bee, and get constantly side-tracked by schoolwork. I read this a while ago, so I’ll just sum up what I remember 333.

I’m still really enjoying this; the plot promises to be a lot of fun, and I’m really into all the slash relationships so far (well, I’m not sure about Adik/Kieran, but I’ll get into this later). You know, I’m not against people having multiple relationships if all the parties are aware of it, and have no problem with it. So hey, I’m just saying I’m really into this, because I so rarely see this concept outside of fandom, and this makes me a happy bunny :3

So I’m not sure about Adik. In the last chapter, he seemed like an abusive arse, and in this one…he seems friendlier? He doesn’t seem to treat his other lovers the same way he treated Kieran in the past, so I’m wondering. Was all the abuse intentional? Orchestrated from above? It just seems so, because I wouldn’t be able to explain his behaviour otherwise. Or it’s intentional: he buys an apartment and food for Kieran, because he wants to manipulate him. Whatever it is, I’m wondering and am still on the fence re: what I think of him and Kieran together.

(As is stands, I’d rather like Adik to be with Christian any way; they seem to have a good basis, even if they are only ‘fuck buddies’ for now. The stuff with Iden intrigues me too.)
Jitterbug Blues chapter 1 . 3/16/2014
I always feel like I should say something uber smart and constructive, but the thing is that - as soon as I realised what the plot was and checked the summary again – I was grinning like a huge idiot (something akin to this :D), and any notions of being serious went down the rubbish chute. So yeah, I admit there were little things about your prose that could be tightened, and I sometimes am not sure about a few minor details (just like in the scene when Adik and Kieran are in his apartment, and Adik says he bought him a coffee machine; you don’t mention him holding any coffee machine or whatever XD), but those are really minor issues, and I don’t want to talk about them, because I’d rather focus on the characters and the story :3 (and I’m useless at pointing stuff out on FP – I’m usually too busy and I’d just confuse the hell out of you anyway XDD).

SO. I really love that plot angles you’re already developing here: Kieran has some secret agenda going on, is planning to seduce :D :D :D an FBI agent/leader who’s an arse, but is just his type, and there’s the whole abusive ‘ex’/master/mentor thing going on too :D All of that already promises me that this will be tons of FUN in huge capital letters, and you’ve got me hooked at least :3

Anyhow, I find the idea of Kieran’s boss being an immortal child uber creepy, and kind of badass. I love how you characterised her too: she’s caring and motherly, but also a bit childish (being taking that piece of candy anyway). I liked how you referred to Kieran’s uneasiness around her.

Haha, I loved the stuff between Kieran and Adik. Adik is super creepy as hell, but that just makes me more intrigued :D (hmm, I liked that scene where he molested Kieran in the garage – kind of hot, in a fucked up way). I do like that you’re not sugarcoating the abusiveness of that relationship though; I liked Kieran’s thoughts on how messed up Adik was, and I liked that he didn’t cave into the man’s manipulations.

And yes, I think I’m going to like Kieran. He seems to have the right ingredients that I like in my heroes: bad past, various motives going on, and I like his style :3
Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 5 . 3/16/2014
Ooh, gay kiss. I wonder what Brock would do/say if he saw the burns. Ha. Ha. Anyway, love this chapter. Shattered Resistance was updated a couple days ago...there are some questions at the end. I hope you like it.

anyway, I found a song for Brock x Keiran and Adrik x Keiran - the first is yeah 3x by Chris brown and the second is faster by matt nathanson...

anyway, can't wait for the next chapter.(:

(what's a beta?)
cybersheep chapter 1 . 3/15/2014
So i'm the special kind of idiot who read aeterna as ah-turna and was trying to figure out what that could be. Now, I believe it is just E-turna like from eternal...but I could still be being an idiot, haha. ah well!

First off, I really do find the premise of this story interesting! I liked how as soon as the main character arrived in the story, we were thrown straight into plot, with his attempts to get into the police force. It really gave this first chapter a sense of urgency which really helped with driving my eyes all the way to the end of the page. I wanted to understand who these kids were who apparently could not die! I wanted to know all about the scarring incident that made this once bright eyed little boy so cold and angry. So many wonderful tidbits and well picked for the beginning of a story .

you have a diverse cast of characters so far, though we've only met three. i'm intrigued by this child like individual who is as old as you say. i am curious as to why she retains so many childish characteristics? is it like how when people look young, people continue to treat them like they are young and as such they internalise the role or did she just develop really slowly? like, i can see where she has power, and i can see that she's got insight, but in her behavior i cannot feel the many years that she carries within her. i'm not saying that she suddenly has to behave like an adult or anything, she is your character after all, but i guess i am curious to know why she doesnt

of the characters I think I like Keiran the best, because I cannot resist a charming guy. His guardian gives me the heebie jeebies a bit. He mentions that he won't force Keiran to do anything that he doesn't want to but at the same time kieran had to tell him to move away more than once. that doesn't sound like someone who respects kieran's wishes. I'm not going to pass judgement on the relationship because i don't know anything, but i mentioned this just to let you know your characters are having an effect, so kudos! :)

in terms of cc, I am somewhat unsure of your decision to have the prologue bit where kieran was a child, mainly because while it establishes mystery and something of a time line, its a device i've seen only work in movies really? plus your writing is so much stronger in the second part when keiran is returning to the mansion. i feel like the narrator was much surer of what he was narrating and the direction he wanted to go in and it really showed, whereas the first bit has somewhat questionable purpose.

secondly, and this has already been mentioned, but there is a slight tendency to tell rather than show. this mostly affects when kieran is trying to give history on things that the reader might not understand. I personally like the information he gave as it was all intriguing, but I think that in a revamp, a way could be found to weave that information into the story so it doesn't seem so much like he's having an out of body experience to tell us stuff. :)

anyway, thank you so much for sharing! this was fun! I can't wait until I can read more of it :D

lookingwest chapter 1 . 3/14/2014
I think one of the biggest things that you might want to consider if you come back for revision here, would be pacing. Things felt like they moved much to fast in the opening of this chapter, and I almost question whether or not you even need the first two sections in "Past" at all. Two things - either I'd say you could definitely expand them and make them their own chapter - a prologue, if you will, where you slow way down and actually get us deeper into the scene, slow your transitions, and take time to develop Kieran's family members (if they're important) OR scrap the "Past" and work it into the present like it already sort of is. Have Kieran recall what happened that day, but don't actually give us the play-by-play.

I'm thinking this for this reason - you should really focus on letting your narrative do some of this work for you, interweave the past into the present like it is with our daily lives, like it is for Kieran - because in his present he is wrapped up in the past, how he got to be part of the Aterna. We get that moment where he thinks back to being seventeen, and I almost feel like you could be doing that with those past scenes too OR like I said, if they are a big deal, dive us in deeper. Which by that I think you could even *start* with him on the bench, get us down in medias res with his feelings, think about sensory imagery - touch, taste, smell, description of setting. Pull us way more into seven year old Kieran's fear and unhappiness. Have him recall why he's on the bench, what's happened. It might be a kind of cool prologue, actually, if you had it end when the Texan comes up to him and says something weird - then it leaves and air of mystery - did the man abduct him or did he go back to his family? It might pull the reader with mystery, wanting to read more.

Those are all suggestions for the opening of course! But anyway, as far as the rest of the chapter, I thought you did a much better job with slowing things down. It's as if perhaps you were very excited to "get to the good part" regarding pacing, but I agreed and thought it was fine with your "Present" breaks and everything. I liked how you played Kieran off of Adrik because their interactions characterized Kieran and showed he's obviously *much* more different than he was when he was seven years old, so the air of mystery of how he came to be this way was also great. At first I felt like perhaps I'm a little overwhelmed by the cast introductions in chapter one - again, the background of say, Joy, felt a little bit like an information dump all of the sudden, but at the same time it's hard for me to think of an alternative rather than just showing us or letting that information grow from dialogue and interaction, but overall I think it at least does a good job characterizing your setting and even shedding more light on Kieran's situation.

So yeah, to sum up - overall I think you did a great job with Kieran's characterization in the second half, on "Present" because the pacing felt slower and there was more time to play him off of other characters through dialogue. I wasn't too much of a fan of your opening, however, but I gave some suggestions there... And I actually like / am intrigued by this whole Aterena children concept because it sounds quite unique! I haven't come across anything like this in awhile! :) Thanks for the read!
JuliusT chapter 1 . 3/14/2014
Very well crafted writing I'd have to say. Good amount of detail sown into with inciting character interactions that are undoubtedly believable. The most entertaining part for me was the garage scene as I liked the suspense you were able to put into it. I wouldn't suggest any changes regarding what I've stated above, but, naturally, there are some grammatical errors.

1) Within the Present section near the beginning –If she only knew, he thought– should be in italics. Further down, the sentence "I'm trying to get in to the FBI Division here in Austin," he said [could add a comma here] his voice only cracking a little [you might consider adding a hyphen here instead] or so he hoped.
2) The sentence within the third to last paragraph within the penultimate AC–AC–AC –He shielded his eyes as Adrik opened the garage door, flooding [missing the word "the"] garage with sunlight.
3) You spelled thirteenth wrong within the "Joy Parker had been born in Austin 1904" paragraph.
4) In the first AC–AC–AC section, the sentence "But he wasn't scared…well maybe a little." You could add a comma after well, just to add further stress or character/charm to that sentence as the narrator. Your choice though. It's more of how I choose to read that sentence if anything.
5) The last AC–AC–AC in the first paragraph, "I bought you one of those coffee makers; you still like coffee?" I believe you do not need that semicolon. A period would serve best.
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