Reviews for Aeterna Children
This Guy Again chapter 1 . 3/11/2014
[The boy watched his mother's retreating form then turned toward...] I think this sentence is technically correct, but as I was reading it I had to do a double take. It might help the flow a bit more if you added 'and' after the word 'form'.

[Ha, he thought, more like cursed.] This is really more of a personal thing than anything, as there are no real rules on this, but I always find that putting any of the characters' thoughts in italics helps distinguish them from the main body of text.

[rouge division] I'm not sure whether or not this is a typo, but I felt I should bring it up just in case. Here rouge is meaning red, not rogue as in dishonesty and all that jazz. Though, both could be perfectly fine.

So this was an interesting read. Some pretty cool ideas in here. I like the troubled relationship between Adrik and Kieran, it adds a nice sense of realism to the characters. There were a few minor issues with grammar, but it was only small things and we're all human and if your beta reader is ill then it's no big deal really. Lily kind of reminded me of the show Supernatural, where the demon Lilith inhabits the body of a child. It was both creepy and comic at the same time. Anyway, I liked how you characterised Adrik, Lily and Kieran. I found them believable so that's great!

-from the roadhouse
Whirlymerle chapter 4 . 3/11/2014
[and that, fucking sucked] not sure why there’s a comma

[Why there's ten hot dogs in a pack, but only eight buns.] It’s all a big commercial ploy to get people to buy four packs of hotdogs and five packs of buns. ;)

[with his friend's in grade school] no apostrophe

[Brock said his face softening. Kieran had never seen them do that.] I assume “them” refers to “face”? In which case it should be singular.

[Brock was effecting him] should be “affecting”

Interesting chapter. It seemed like from the opening Kieran and Tessa both realized their Aeterna children status at this point, which means they both must have died? And if they were twins and still look the same age as immortals, it means they must have died at the same time? I wonder if their deaths are connected.

Also, I thought it was intriguing that Brock Lander didn’t know Kieran had a twin sister. I’m definitely curious as to why/how their relationship was such a secret that even Brock didn’t know.

I don’t know how I feel about Brock right now. I think he mixes business with pleasure way too easily and carelessly I don’t think that’s the mark of someone respectable—even from a distance.
Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 4 . 3/10/2014
Another great chapter(: however, Keiran (spelling?) kind of reminds me of Warren in my story Shattered Resistance-don't ask me how, he just does. I love Adrik, I just...love his character.

when I write I hear songs in my head that fit the story or the characters, like Cain's song is Never Too Late by three days grace, and Warren's song is Someday by nickleback; and together their song is hero by sterling knight.
well, I think the song I'd come for you reminds me of Keiran and Adrik (as does the song Roadside by rise against), for Brock Lander, I am reminded of the song because the night by cascada (again, I do not know why; I think its because of his charming, flirty personality with Keiran.

for this story as a whole I am reminded of the song Born To Rise by red light king. Anyway, can't wait for the next chapter (as I will start calling it: I can't wait for more Adrik)
3
Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 3 . 3/7/2014
Kiki is annoying and yet incredibly funny, she actually reminds me of Moaning Myrtle...lol (Harry Potter fanatic) and Brock, I like him. He reminds me of Maris Sulle (character from a book that I just love!) and as always, I love the character of Keiran (did I spell his name right?)

all in all, great chapter, can't wait for more(:
deadaccount2019 chapter 2 . 3/6/2014
I hope you don't mind, but this one focuses a lot more on characters and relationships. I should mention that I tend to interpret characterization, especially when it comes to relationship stuff, in a very cynical manner, so it's very much likely that what I get out of it and what other readers get out of it are going to be different.

A bit of vocab fixes here and there throughout (for example, the line "might as well of slammed" should actually be "might as well *have*"), but mechanically the chapter appeared to be much more polished.

I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but the formality of how Kieran refers to Adrik in the Past scene was rather disturbing. It really calls to question the nature of their relationship (which to me seems like it was primarily an abuse of standing on Adrik's part), and makes it all the more understanding why Kieran has so much disdain for Adrik in the present. I really do hope that this particular relationship continues down that course, because so far I really appreciate how you haven't glamorized the dysfunction of their relationship.

Adrik really seems out of touch with reality where Kieran is concerned, which again, I really appreciate. Right off the bat we see him as being very flawed, and while I certainly don't sympathize with him (he was, after all, taking advantage of Kieran), as a rounded character I really like that he is unlikeable and is self deluded enough to not comprehend the dysfunction of their relationship.

Scene-break to writing: I have to admit, I did a double take on the line "speaking directly to Adrik's cock." I'm by no means a prude, but the line felt kind of out of place. Up to that point the underlying sexual tone had been pretty downplayed, so there's kind of this feeling of "Shadow, shadow, shadow, PENIS!" and it was very jilting. Maybe play up the crassness a bit earlier on, or tone down that line for the sake of flow (and the hilarious-when-shock's-worn-off jolt :D ).

This is more of a thematic/stereotype thing, but it irked me a little that the first representation of a polyamorous relationship is coming from the perspective of a gay man who's been shown to not appreciate or care about his role in the destruction of a previous relationship. To me, it just seems to reinforce a negative stereotype and kind of removed some of the enjoyability of the disturbing elements.

I love the exasperation in Lily's voice when she calls her father. XD It sounded very much like a young woman who's had to listen to an overbearing parent all her life, and I really feel for Lily when I realize just how old she and her father are. It really made her sympathetic this chapter, but it also made me curious about her father himself.
Bronze TigerLily chapter 1 . 3/6/2014
Returning review from Roadhouse.

Wow, that was quiet a first chapter I must say.

Grammar: I must say that certain parts felt choppy and didn't quiet make sense. The opening felt like I was being told the story more than shown. I felt like I was told how Kieran childhood was, not quiet shown. If you understand my drift.

Dialogue: I enjoyed the dialogue a lot. It was very interesting, I enjoyed the interaction between Adrik and Kieran, I am a bit confused of their sexual orientation, but who cares. LOL. As far as I can see, I like Lily the most. That part where Kieran thought she was suffering for an identity crisis made me LOL.

Characters: Well, I just mentioned what I liked the most about your cast of characters. So, no repeating myself. However, I felt a bit lost. I am not sure if Joy was Lily. Bizarre, maybe I'm reading things to far and wrong at the same time, lol.

Overall thought: This seems like a very well thought out plot. An interesting on at that. I want to know more about the Aeteran's children... However, I felt like I was told too many things at once. Like Joy and FBI. I don't know, that's just my personal opinion.

Thanks for the good read. Happy writing.
Whirlymerle chapter 3 . 3/5/2014
Whoa! Brock was some kind of Greek God?!

One thing I noticed in this chapter was the long length of most of the paragraphs, which I did not remember in the previous readings. I’m personally not a big fan of it, but if that’s your thing, go for it. However, in many of the longer paragraphs, there are a bunch of different characters’ actions coalesced in one paragraph, and the effect was a bit disorientating.

[middle of the dessert] I’m not sure, but since you follow up with “dust storm,” do you mean “desert”?

Brock is the guy Kieran was trying to seduce, right? I really like how he turned out to be a decently nice guy. I’m definitely was pleasantly surprised by how cool Brock took it when confronting Kieran following him. I’m definitely looking forward to Kieran’s perspective on their meeting. (though have they met before? I wasn't under the impression that Brock new Kieran's name...?)

[bonded up the stairs] bounded?

I like the scene with Tabby a lot. There was just something incredibly adorable about Tabby’s character that was super fun to read. I would have liked some more descriptions about their house (ie, more specific than old and creepy), but yeah, it was really cute. Nice chapter!
Ready-To-Begin chapter 1 . 3/4/2014
Pssh. Keiran right, no one is ever too old for cartoons and candy. It's a myth I say! I like the subtle hits of locations that you give through out the story. It's very easy to continue with the story line. That was a mysterious scene you created in the flashback. I almost thought he was going to get kidnapped.

Wait, (I'm commenting as I read) did he get kidnapped? Dragging him to this house? I need to double back I must of missed something in the text. I'm getting that feeling of dread in this story.

Whoa, this just got really interesting! Over one hundred years old! I love a mysterious supernatural twist like this, though you still have me one a gate with the dreaded feeling of rape or something like that.

I really want to know what that tragedy was all about and his reason's for running away from these people he is talking to know. That FBI think was extremely funny to me, hope it was meant to be.

Well that Parker girl's explanation cleared a few things up. I like that turn this story is taking, the descriptions are great and the feed of information is at a good speed.

I knew this would happen, wouldn't it be great if that guy from the FBI diffusion would just be able to arrest Adrik or something.

I don't know anymore after reading the end of that scene I kind of like Adrik and Kieran together. Rejection hurts... I hope later chapters tell of their past...

Haha. Fancy coffee makers. I need one...

Back to hating Adrik I really hate sadistic rapist bastards... it's just too much for one human. Back to pitying Kieran.

Sounds like she almost was suffering from Stockholm's syndrome... it's an extreme case in an abusive relationship though.

That concludes chapter One! That was great! I got a good feel for the story and characters, maybe I'll read again another time.

Following.
C. Auguste Dupin chapter 1 . 3/1/2014
Okay, so after reading the first chapter of your story there are a few things I could remark on. First let me say that I see somewhat what you’re trying to accomplish with your story but it’s a little confusing. There’s your mc who was a boy, but somewhere along the way he was taken to some place because he’s special somehow, he survived some incident where seven other special kids died, and now he’s returned and been given a car and an apartment, and then he’s accosted by his former mentor/lover. Now the problem here is logic and motives, your characters aren’t acting in a natural way, or at least what seems to be incongruent with reason. This may just be a lack of understanding as to what’s going on, and maybe you have some logical reason for setting up events the way you have, but if they don’t make sense, or if there isn’t something happening in your story to make your reader want to continue reading then they wont. Right now there isn’t anything overwhelmingly unique about your story that would make a reader want to continue. There are a few things you could do to improve your story, and bring things into focus for your reader that will keep them entertained and wanting more, your just have to rethink some of the mechanisms you are using and rearrange or add some more “glue” so to speak.

Now that the criticism part is out of the way why don’t we move on to the construction section of this review. Firstly let’s look at your initial scene, the one titled past and the first ac-ac-ac, those two scenes could be in one section and told from a first person perspective and added later. The meeting with the stranger on the bench adds some mystery, but that’s about it, and if a reader isn’t impressed by your first five pages, then they probably won’t continue reading. I can tell that there is something in this first scene that you want to say, but it might be better to save them for a later section, maybe something makes your mc reflect on the past and that’s what he thinks of, or it comes up in a conversation. As for what you could use to start your story off, grab the attention of your reader and then keep it, you mention two events, your mc being taken to the house and the incident where the other seven die; maybe you should start off with him being taken to that place. When writing its best not to tell your readers something happened you should show them, that way they can see what happens and relate to it. You want them to be able to step into your characters hoes so to speak and experience what they do, but they can’t do that if you just tell them, so show them. Another thing you should focus on is the logic of your story, even in fantasy or supernatural settings there is a logic, even if its not apparent to the reader you should at least know it. There are a couple of instances which I think you should address, first lets look at the situation with your mc returning, after his conversation with lily she hands him keys to a car and an apartment. Your character was only gone for four months, so where did he live before then? Is there some reason he couldn’t return there? How did he get around before? Did he use the bus, did he have a car, did he ride a bike, walk? However he got around before is that no longer an option? Is it because the people he works for need him to get around faster than he did previously? What is their motives for giving him a car, and more importantly what actions of your mc’s warrants him earning or deserving of a car? Is it just an incentive for them to keep him around? You should always examine your characters motives, and see if what they’re doing makes sense, if not in a logical way at the very least in their own minds, and if your readers going to have questions about it, wouldn’t other characters, look at cause and effect, not just in actions, but in dialogue and in the way characters will interact. For instance if your mc hates his former mentor so much for the way he treated him, why drive over to his new apartment with him to begin with? Why not just get out of the car and walk, call a cab, or find some other way to separate him from a situation he didn’t want. I know from personal experience that we writers always find parts of our stories that we care about most, but when you’re creating your world you have to be that unbiased center that makes sure everything works in a way that’ll make sense to people and helps them relate to your characters. The last thing I want to mention is your dialogue, I’m not going to go over it in detail just keep in mind a few things. If you tell us the relationship of one character to another, and the characters know their relationship, you don’t have to state it in your dialogue, think about how often you hear people using another persons name when they’re talking to them. Also when you write your dialogue, say it out loud, get a friend to read one person while you read the other, does the dialogue make sense? Does it sound natural? If you know what you want to say within your talking bits, those pieces of information your trying to share with your reader, whether it be information or how a character feels, make sure its said in a way that people say things.

Finally I just want you to know that I see potential here, and you have a good writing style, keep it up. I know I went over a lot, but don’t take everything I said in a negative light, hope it helps.
Lee Daniel chapter 1 . 2/28/2014
I am very impressed so far. This first chapter has quite a lot of substance in it. There was the fear of abandonment when Kieran was young, the unmentioned burden that his mom tried impossibly to hide, the mysteries as to what Aeterna Children really are, what killed off seven of them, what Kieran is trying to do with the rogue FBI branch, who the man that sat next to Kieran was, a dark commentary on the mindset of victims and the abusive yet insecure role of Adrik. Amazingly you managed to do all of this without making the chapter seem crowded or overdone.

The only thing I can say as a small measure of criticism is not exactly criticism at all. At places you had very small, stand alone sentences rather than proper paragraphs. That style actually does quite nice on a site like this. I have been growled at for having 'big blocks of text' because I don't follow that format. So again, this is not criticism per se. The thing is, while that style does exceedingly well here, amongst aspiring authors that prefer to only review in order to garner reviews, thus liking to be able to breeze through small paragraphs and short sentences; it is not typically the format that makes it to the coveted step of getting published.

Since your goal is likely to see your work on the printed page, I would suggest pulling away from this style. I will admit that it may make your writing less palatable to fellow FP authors. I am sure that there are many who look at my paragraphs and move on without reading in search of something easier. However, I would like to point out that those who find my writing on here to be too much remain as yet ASPIRING authors rather than PUBLISHED authors. This is not about me tooting my own horn or telling you that you should follow in my footsteps. That would be entirely too arrogant. I am simply cautioning you about the trap that exists here to placate amateurs rather than put out a product that can catch the attention of the right people.

You can take or leave that little bit of 'criticism'. In the end, what matters the most is the story itself rather than the format. So far, you have a high quality of writing and what seems to be a very good story. The absolute best part that I found was the absolute lack of a sense of rushing. It feels like you are taking your time in developing the story, as well you should. A good story is a marathon rather than a sprint. At this point I think you are developing a good tale and I look forward to returning and reading more. Unfortunately, I don't have time to continue now, but I will certainly be back. Have a good day.
deadaccount2019 chapter 1 . 2/28/2014
Hey, there! Returning the review. :) Don't mind me if I get critical. I'm used to playing over on the Review Game, so reviews tend to be a bit rambly and more in-depth.

I find the dialogue, particularly for Lily, can sometimes be inconsistent in voice. For example, In one paragraph she speaks with truncated words, but a couple paragraphs later she speaks very stiffly without contractions. It doesn't happen often, but something to look out for during the editing process.

A nitpicky thing on naming schemes, I found the cultural mix of names between Ashley and Kieran a bit odd. Not that there's anything particularly wrong with it, but it was a little distracting and I had to wonder if there was a purpose a pair of siblings would have such radically different names. If not, it may be worth looking at changing one to reflect the other, but again, this is just a nitpicky thing on my part.

The writing is in pretty good condition. The only thing I noticed that could use some polishing is little things like slips in tense and maybe tweak a couple of sentences for better flow. Pretty well stuff for proofing/editing.

Although maybe not the most original, you do have a pretty good hookline at the start. Plus, I'm a sucker for "what ifs" and establishing connections between myths and realities, so I think any reader who likes those sort of things is going to want to read further to find out more. Further into the prologue, there is a bit of an exposition feel, however I think you did a good job limiting how many details you presented, which makes the rest of the prologue feel light enough to keep the reader's interest, but also provides a good foundation for the story's world.

In terms of the relationship stuff, I felt the having-it-out scene came a bit too early and sacrificed a lot of tension build up on that front, but it's still early and it may be necessary to help move other relationships along later on. That being said, this does seem to be a pretty big character building point for both Adrik and Kieran, so I do wonder if it would be better to separate the last two scenes into their own chapter. The reason I mention it is because it would help bring more focus onto the relational and personal developments that happen in those two scenes, and imo, emphasize them.

Your setting details are quite light. I really love that you don't put a whole bunch of detail into where all the furniture is, or even what kind it is, because it really helps let the reader build the world, which in turn makes the story more immersive. I think really the only suggestion I would have on this front is to add an occasional sensory detail. For example, when Kieran is going up the stairs maybe mention if the house has a particular scent, such as incense or a recently-used vacuum, or perhaps mention if the air feels dry or humid.
Whirlymerle chapter 2 . 2/28/2014
Okay, just a suggestion. I remember in the last chapter Kieran mentioned something about being pushed into a bay? I wonder if you could build the suspense by having him be more vague in the first chapter (ie, remember that time at the bay? Instead of remember that time you nearly drowned me) to make the actual bay/drowning scene, when it comes, more powerful.

["You're father hates the ocean."] Your

I’m interested in how the seduction scene will play out. If Brock Lander has maneuvered himself into such a high position, I feel like he’d be smart and wouldn’t be instantly seduced. Of course, every person has his/her weakness.

I like the casual way Adrik describes his relationship between himself and Iden and Christian. They AC seem to be pretty open about their relationships? Which makes sense— given their infinite lives, jealousy would be pretty messy.

I was intrigued by Lily’s relationship with her adoptive father. Framed by all the mentions of sexually active coupes, the first line, "Father, I… oh my god, yes, I told you I'd call you if… Yes Sir, I love you too" struck me as almost a bit incestuous. I don’t *think* it is, though it’d be interesting if it is, haha. That does raise the question—if she’s trapped in a five year old body, can her adult mind ever really mature to that of a grown woman? I think that’d be interesting to explore.
Un-Ended Tales chapter 1 . 2/28/2014
You definitely have my curiosity. The Aeterna Children seem like very interesting characters with very complicated lives. You've introduced them here in this chapter, hinting at their abilities, but I have a sense that there is more to it then that. Are they all immortal like Lily in that they stop aging at some point? I'm still a little confused about the sixth sense thing. Is it that Kieran can sense other Aeterna Children, people like himself? I'm especially curious about the crisis that took place in Houston and how his sister was involved. Am I right to assume she was also one of the Aeterna Children? I hope I'm supposed to hate Adrik, because I do.

I like the name you've given them, Aeterna Children. It sounds like Eternal Children. It's a very good start to what looks like a thrilling story. You have a great use of diction and I look forward to reading more.

Edits:

‘She zipped it to the top then touched his (nose) gently.’

‘He looked up to see (a) dark haired man sit beside him.’

‘He’d continued to pull Kieran along the alley to a parked truck, then deposited Kieran into the passenger seat and drove him to the Victorian house he was presently standing in front of.’ Repeating Kieran’s name twice in this sentence makes it sound repetitive. Perhaps replace the second Kieran with ‘him’.

‘It was (run) by Brock Lander…’
Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 2/27/2014
Returning your review!

[and is had been taught all around the world] delete “is” or “has been”

[that he remember the brown eyed man] should be “remembered”

Nice chapter!

In the “Past” scene, I think you did a great job of writing through a little kid’s voice. Kieran’s excitement about candy and movies felt very genuine.

Lily reminds me a bit of Claudia from Interview with a Vampire. Really creepy.

I think my favorite part of the story was the present, though. I really enjoyed the relationship dynamic between Adrik and Kieran. At first, I thought Adrik was just being a creepy jerk, but then we see that even though Adrik’s downright assaulted Kieran in the past, he did in a distant way save Kieran (although if Kieran can never die, I guess it’s not as powerful as an action as it could be?), and I think that adds a complexity that’s absolutely delicious.

Gotta be honest though, I wasn’t a big fan of the “Prologue” part. It felt sort of info dumpy and I didn’t feel that it was written as well as the rest of the chapter.

Looking forward to more!
Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 2 . 2/27/2014
Continue. I like this story, and I actually like the character of Adrik (Ah-drick? Odd-Rick?) he is sarcastic and charming. Anyway, please continue this.

Elena xx
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