|Reviews for Aeterna Children|
| Testimony to Christians chapter 6 . 5/26/2014
The hot wings did it! - laughed so hard.
So, I can't think coherently right now. Forgive me. That was just too … damn. Adrik and Christian - I'll never get enough of you either hee hee Seriously, you know how to write some damn good porn (artfully so). It's realistic, and you portray the underlying emotions so well, while your descriptions are not too overdone. Sublime man.
Some typo's (not much!):
"Sarah asked walking into hospital room" - missed 'the', "rather or not to knock" - 'whether', "deep corner of him mind" - 'his', "It's for one party have a sense of control" - 'to'.
Teehee. Teeheehee. You make me giddy like a schoolgirl or something. Hopefully next chapter won't be so hot, so that my brain can function well enough to give a decent review! :)
| deadaccount2019 chapter 17 . 5/24/2014
On the last scene, this kind of backs up what I was saying about Kieran being wishywashy. One minute he's happy screwing Brock, the next he's turned into a complete asshat and is back to screwing Adrik, whom he knows treated him like shit and he made clear at the start that he hated. I could overlook the discrepancy if the point of their relationship was to illustrate some people are weak and go back to their abusers, but there's just too much glamor around Kieran and Adrik for that message to get through.
Slightly mixed feelings on the inclusion of the bondage scene. The scene itself was good and offered a great chance to explore Brock's side of things, but it felt kind of odd in that it feels very much like a conclusion scene. Short of making it it's own chapter, I can't really say what could be done to help keep things feeling natural in terms of flow, so I would have to say unless someone else mentions something, don't worry too much about it.
Something I noticed a lot more this chapter is the statement that something is "obvious". A lot of the time you could omit the word because it's already implied by being noticed.
The writing in the interview tape needs a lot of tweaking. Chloe's recounting of her father's abduction reads way too much like a narrative and doesn't sound like a young girl's language.
Bahaha! Living Mandarine-speaking Garden Gnomes! XD Totally not something I expected, but definitely an awesome way of exploring the metaphysics side of the story's world. :)
I'm eagerly looking forward to seeing what happens next with the Minister conspiracy, as well as how the gods will play into things.
| deadaccount2019 chapter 16 . 5/24/2014
A quick note regarding sentence structure near the start. There's a spot shortly after Kieran's nightmare where there are eight sentences in a row that start with a pronoun. It would help if there was some variety to the sentence structure, as it currently has a monotonous stop-and-go feel.
I think you did a good job with Kieran's snapping point. There isn't any external warning, and it doesn't really register with him what he's doing until after the fact, which almost makes it feel like he's separate from his body. The one thing that would help with this scene is if there was a little more build up to it. Between his cleaning attempt and the final cup that sends him over the edge, it feels like a chunk is missing where establishing some writing techniques for trauma could have been done (repetition of a line or scattered thoughts, as an example).
In the smutty scene I thought there could have been a lot more showing instead of telling going on. The scene has a good setup, but it would have a stronger impact if the reader knew what things felt like, rather than how.
| deadaccount2019 chapter 15 . 5/23/2014
I'm not really crazy about how wishywashy Kieran was this chapter, at least where Adrik was concerned. It kind of derails the whole relational plot going on between him and Brock and just makes Kieran feel very inconsistent as a character. Outside of that aspect, however, I loved his little moment contemplating over why it was easier to handle Noah and Melissa than it was Sarah. From the sounds of it, Sarah had been his first relocation, but it makes sense that he would overlook this fact, not to mention she was certainly not as ready to protect herself, so she didn't really have a chance to fight back.
You know, I'm really surprised that paradoxes never crossed my mind before now, but it definitely explains why Iden is so secretive. It actually adds a whole new layer of curiosity and tension for the plot, because if the wrong people find out about it, it'll mean big trouble for Kieran. Looking back, the only real clue of it would be Adrik's butt-kissing, so I think you did a good job keeping that secret hidden for so long.
| Testimony to Christians chapter 5 . 5/23/2014
Honestly, I'm so happy it stopped with the kiss - it is way hotter. I like the idea of him being able to feel that Brock isn't human, and probably vice versa. They are both putting up fronts as they are so good at, but more than a little curious about the others secrets. Also, very good job on building the playful chemistry between the two.
I think that if Kieran saw me on a regular day he would consider it tacky overload haha
Super curious what the artifact is and how it will save Tessa, and from who or what exactly. The mysteries build. I love the subtlety of Kieran hearing Adrik's know-it-all voice in his head at the intimate moments whether he wanted to or not, nice touch. Curious if the good ol' Doc will find anything abnormal about Kieran's blood, I sense that causing a bit of trouble for him, though I figure that Finian would go with it to Brock first.
Found only a couple typo's this time!:
"shut down do to health code" - 'due', "cells were they" - 'where',
Gah, so many questions!
| anaklusmos1 chapter 2 . 5/22/2014
I'm rereading this chapter after reading 17 to make sense of Iden after the big revelation. The OCEAN! That comment was staring at me RIGHT IN THE FACE! I think it's because I didn't quite yet understand the whole 'relocation'/reincarnation business. And to think! Iden ADOPTS Lily. Ha! I'm still yet to understand how Iden can be 200 years old. Is this like his 3rd life or something? I also need to know how became Minister in the first place. Eventually.
| anaklusmos1 chapter 17 . 5/22/2014
As a lover of Greek Mythology, I don't understand how you can misspell Hera's name as 'Hara', then correct it, and then misspell it again. I'm also not really into her lewd portrayl. Hera was very faithful to Zeus in the myths. Although I'm not against a contemporary portrayal, I just got really put off with her over the top flirtations.
At the moment, Kieran running after Adrik feels a LITTLE OOC. It's hard to say though because this was from Brock's perspective. Just make sure that you give Kieran good reason to seek out Adrik. I kind of wanted to slap Adrik for winking at Brock like that. But at the same time I can't help smiling and being like, "You devil, you!" because Adrik is such an arrogant bastard.
I'm very excited to see how this plays out.
One thing about the world building...
The powers of the Aeterna Children are never really well explained. You mentioned at some point about one Child who could make anyone tell the truth. I also recall Adrik going all Flame On in the car when he was angry and stuff. Fire suits his personality actually. And they all seen to have healing powers and get reincarnated after they die or something. But what about Kieran? What are his powers?
Also, I actually really want him to meet his future self, Iden. But if he doesn't, I still want some more development on Iden. How does he see his past self, and what is he always busy doing that hardly anyone in the community gets to see him?
Food for thought. Thanks for the awesome story and please update soon :)
| anaklusmos1 chapter 15 . 5/22/2014
OMG! OMG! A cold shiver LITERALLY went up my spine halfway through that last scene. So THAT'S why Kieran never gets to meet Iden, and why hardly anyone else knows Iden personally. Because they are currently in the same timeline? Weird. And it sort of fixes my problem about not liking Iden for being an elusive son of a bitch. Well, that was a great reveal. Keep up the good work :)
| anaklusmos1 chapter 10 . 5/22/2014
Though I see that you want us to empathise with Sarah, I don't think it was necessary to give her her own POV. I would have been more interested to view this chapter from Adrik's POV. I also don't like how you completely brushed over the actual discussions of the meeting. It makes it feel as though the meeting wasn't at all that important. Maybe these people aren't really a threat to Iden and his government, but if you at least make it look like they are worth his time, it will create more tension.
| Testimony to Christians chapter 4 . 5/22/2014
Rhinestone boots! Dear lord, Brock is fabulous. And what is this speak about too much bling? Psh. You can never have too much bling.
Maybe they think that people will save the hot dogs and get more buns, but then need more hot dogs, turning it into a bun-hotdog buying cycle that they can never escape from muhahaha Maybe.
"Proving to Kieran that, yes, Adrik could get more irritating" - that's my favourite. Kieran is so sassy, and Adrik strikes me as that guy that shows up all the time like "oh hai ther" from the shadows. Cree-per. Probably wouldn't mind if he were creeping on me though, just sayin'…
Uh some typo's and such that I found:
"Kieran soul" instead of Kieran's, "His mans-" instead of "This mans-", "but a not a twin" instead of "but not a twin", "Kieran tried to look relived" instead of "relieved', "he couldn't believe that Lender" instead of "Lander", and "wasn't still a part of him the longed for the over man's opinion".
I love the idea of guardian's and you blew me away with the twin sister thing, was not expecting that! You are so good at timing and plot development *clap clap*
| Fishy chapter 17 . 5/19/2014
Also, poor, poor Brock. My heart just broke for him. The way you wrote it made his emotions feel so real. (
| Fishy chapter 17 . 5/19/2014
Oh, I laughed so hard at little naughty Popcorn. Brock now has a ghost and a gnome. I don't think Kieran's ever gonna agree to stay at his place again. Lol.
I love Brock's story and background. I think you've got the perfect mix of ancient mythology and modern spooky stuff going here.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
Love to you and happy bday to the kiddo. )
| Timbo Slice chapter 1 . 5/21/2014
This was a good first chapter to setup your story that was highlighted by the unique characters and their interactions with each other. I especially liked Lily as he guise as a little girl made a cool contrast to her hard nosed all business attitude but even she couldn't resist the sweet innocent taste of chocolate! The relationship between Adrick and Kieran is unique with Adricks own form of "tough love" really taking a psychological toll on Kieran but I do find it kind of unrealistic because if so much animosity exist between the two of them (at least from Kieran's perspective) why would he want to have anything to do with Adrick? The pacing of the chapter flowed nicely through the prose and dialogue but with as big of a gap between the flashback and present story maybe some more fleshing out and detail would've helped later on in the chapter.
| deadaccount2019 chapter 14 . 5/21/2014
Regarding Kieran's PTSD, I don't recall it being adressed as clearly as it was this chapter. This actually really makes it easy to understand Kieran's fainting spell before.
On to the actual review, Brock is definitely smitten, and it was nice to see him and Kieran interacting outside the hormones. It's actually kind of sad to see Kieran isn't as invested because Brock has this sort of awkward chivalry thing where he can at once be endearing and an ass. It also spoke a lot to his character how Brock pushes about the photo but doesn't listen in on the call. It humanized him without making him a total dick.
I think the biggest drawback with this chapter is that outside of reiterating that the gang knows Kieran's lying about his background, it didn't accomplish much in the way of plot. That being said, Kieran's path hasn't quite crossed with the others' yet, so it does help build anticipation. As a breather it works, so long as there aren't too many in a row (which I see from your AN is not the case :D ) .
| Infected Beliefs chapter 1 . 5/20/2014
How do you pronounce Kieran's name? Is it like Karen but squeeky? Or like Key-ring if you slurred it together? I'm having a difficult time with that. Especially when you have a bunch of other normal names like Ashley and Josh.
This dude in the mall is giving me real creepy vibes. He reminds me of Ed Harris from A History of Violence. Sketchy.
I had fun imagining Kieran getting chewed out by a five year old. I have a six year old sister who is way too smart for her own good. I was just imagining her yelling and commanding adults around. She pretty much does already.
One thing. [[...Continue trying to infiltrate the rouge Division.]] - I believe you mean "rogue" rather than "rouge."