|Reviews for Aeterna Children|
| Domus Vocis chapter 11 . 5/20/2014
Aria: I feel sorry for her, especially since she's 'married' to Adrik. She sounds heartbroken about her friend, and it is really effective at showing her loss when we see from her POV. She also sounds polite, but also determined, and add to the fact she's got a sense of humor, when she jokes off with her friends. I got nothin else to say other than a job well done!
Pacing: The pacing in this is just very good pacing. It feels almost like something out of walking dead or breakin bad, where the story lets us take our time to know our characters, our settings, and our atmosphere. And unlike breaking bad, it doesn't drag on at times, but it's also not rushed.
Technique: Putting dates in the segues is I'm my opinion a smart move. Before it was getting distracting and it didn't help with finding out if a paragraph was set in 2011 or 2013. So nice job there!
Ending: I gotta say that the last sentence of this chapter is really effective, about her staring into the fireplace. "She hoped it would be warm again soon." It really addresses her problems in a nice, subtle way, and it's really good!
Keep writing! :)
| Testimony to Christians chapter 3 . 5/19/2014
This is my favourite chapter so far, I already seriously adore Brock. Also I was not expecting you to pull on Greek mythology at all, but it works! (I always liked Hera, she's one feisty bitch.) And it works perfectly with Brock being a paranormal investigator, just makes sense.
The fact that he is a grandfather is too perfect. He's got a bit of a Peter Pan dilemma going on (course not adolescent). I'm kind of tired today so I may have missed something, but I don't see much about this that I would change.
I laughed my ass of at Brock's last line "I deleted Wife Swap?" haha Kiki is amazing. All these little touches really help to flesh out the character. Excited for Kieran to get hired, for the tension between he and Chloe, and the 'other' kind of tension between him and Brock. Yum. Good job!
| Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 17 . 5/19/2014
Brock, Brock, Brock...us mortals do things out of hurt or anger. Yes, Kieran needs to tell you the truth; he shouldn't have lied, but sweetie, you need to be honest with him too. I will give you a hug to make you feel better, but you need to talk to Kieran. No worries about that man, Adrik, I will tie him up and put him in my closet. You need to talk to your man.
(Great chapter, lol update soon. Yes I was talking to Brock. Haha I do that. A lot. Happy birthday to whatever little kid is having the birthday)
| Testimony to Christians chapter 2 . 5/18/2014
Thanks so much for the return review, it was very helpful and in-depth!
Really getting curious about Brock Lander (I'm really trying not to, but my inner nerd takes over when I hear the name 'Brock' and I instantly think of the gym leader from Pokemon.)
I begin to like Adrik more, and I would call him a manwhore but if you live that long, I think it would probably be inevitable to grow fond of more than one person. I think I like Christian (though I have a thing for blond's, and he's French too ohlala). I must say again, the concept of them having had more than one life, or even multiple 'lives' is really interesting. I am certain it will lead to some pretty awesome backstory (and plenty of time to develop some serious baggage - yay angsty boys!)
Sorry my review isn't as in-depth! I am trying but I worry it'll come across as mean so I don't like being too nit-picky. I think I saw one typo in there somewhere, but I can't remember for the life of me where (sorry sorry!) Great pacing, great characters, great concept. Great, great, great. Slowly but surely I will catch up!
| Testimony to Christians chapter 1 . 5/18/2014
First off, gotta say I love the name Kieran. I think you made the right choice starting with him as a child and showing his connection to his family - it makes the news of his kidnapping and the death of his sister more upsetting. I have to say Lily is my favourite so far, I'm really curious about who she may have been in her 'first life' or if she is somehow different from the rest of the Aeterna children.
Loving the concept, too! You don't give too much away so I am itching to know if they have any more powers than those described in Joy's case. Also good work on the tension between Kieran and Adrik, definitely felt it. I don't know how to feel about Adrik so far, it is obvious he truly does care and I suppose if he listens to reason he can't be that deranged, but he still gives me the heeby jeebies for some reason! You also build the mystery of what happened to his sister and the others, which makes me wonder if that's somehow related to the Parker files. I am intrigued for sure!
| alltheeagles chapter 16 . 5/16/2014
For the RG EF
I like how Kieran is so close to Tessa, though I think the effect would be even greater if you had inserted more little episodes in earlier chapters, flashbacks perhaps, of tender or bonding moments between them. At the moment, Tessa was mentioned and then she kind of disappeared off the radar for a while but now she’s bacccccck! But it worked nicely to lead into the Katie Washington reference and all the rest of it.
I also like the shooting the coffee machine breakdown. It’s really unique! Funny, yet quite realistic (we read in the news about people doing similar stuff all the time) and also touching. Nice. Incidentally it’s so sweet that the whole staff came in to check on him when he woke up. Whadda team!
Question on the smutty bit: Haven’t they done this before? So why did Brock ask Kieran the question about knowing what it feels like? Oh well, maybe it was teasing/pillow talk. Having Kieran Iden raises up a whole cloud of questions eg how does Iden do his other (presumbaly also full time) job if he’s supposed to be at Brock’s office all the time? And oh, it just struck me: Isn’t Iden usually top? And Kieran is a bottom it seems? How very interesting...
| Guest chapter 16 . 5/14/2014
*shoves handful of naughty popcorn in mouth*
*crosses fingers for a very detailed description of Kieran being tied up*
Love it! This is a great story. )
| deadaccount2019 chapter 13 . 5/13/2014
I really think you could take the opening of this chapter and expand it into a chapter of its own, like maybe start out with a bit of Kieran's scoping and lead into the scene and flesh it out more. It marks a very big shifting point in the plot, both for the overall story and on a personal level for Kieran, as well as has the needed elements to be very gripping and a bit exciting. I was very disappointed that it was over so soon because it feels like it's a summarized version of something greater. Beefing it up would really help punch up the tension and emotional elements, and it's a scene I very much would have liked to linger on a little while longer. (All that being said, thank you sooo much for glossing over the injection; I'm a total needle-phobe and have been known to have panic attacks while reading injection scenes, so I really appreciated how light you were with this moment. :D )
I have to admit, I'm wishing there was more to Brock and Kieran's relationship than just sex. The reason I bring it up is actually Brock's question about whether Kieran is playing him or not, which was a bit jarring because I couldn't think of any non-superficial aspect of their relationship thus far. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to more erotic-oriented pieces I enjoy the 'falling for the enemy' sort of theme that Kieran and Brock have going, but I find that I don't connect to their relationship as much as I want to, mainly because there doesn't seem to be any real connection between them other than sex.
Regarding the nooky, very good job on controlling the content here. The titillation definitely came across, but the scene is straight to the point, which helped keep it from overwhelming the chapter or being too over the top. You also did a great job keeping it within FP's boundaries, something I don't see often (and admittedly something I usually end up failing on).
| deadaccount2019 chapter 12 . 5/13/2014
The opening scene is definitely expositional. The past segment was nice, but I didn't think there was enough new information to warrant dedication of half a chapter to the flashback. The theories on the rush, for example, could have easily been explained in a brief paragraph of introspect much closer to the beginning of the story.
Once again, I have to mention your transitions are really shaping up. You used Kieran's introspect between the second and third scenes very effectively to move him from Brock's to Lily's without it feeling slow or having to dive into the actual act of traveling, which really helps the overall pacing of the chapter, but also prevents the introspect itself from feeling to heavy.
A note on Jasmine/Lily/Lavender, I'm really glad that her name changes follow a theme (aka flower names). A character constantly changing names can really create a lot of confusion, so by sticking to a certain set of names, it really makes it easier for the reader to keep her identity straight, while also allowing the story to delve into Lily's more childish nature (and on that note, I still love Lavender. :D She's beginning to remind me a lot of Claudia from Interview With a Vampire).
| deadaccount2019 chapter 11 . 5/13/2014
I'm pretty well having the same problem with Aria that I had before. Two years prior to the story's present she still hated Iden as much as ever, and then somehow within a year she just magically fell in love with him (either that, or Ruby's the product of rape and Aria's just given up). I want to say it's the latter, because most of what's been revealed so far implies that her marriage and child were by no means her choice, but then she turns around and states with a very genuine tone that she loves Iden but is having an affair with a woman, and then worries more about Iden's feelings than Sarah's wellbeing. I mean, unless it's revealed later on that she's being mind controlled or has some sort of personality disorder later, this seems like a very big plot hole in terms of her characterization.
Putting aside the characterization thing, I really enjoyed the opening scene for a number of reasons. First, Sarah (was so glad to see her pop up again :) ). The reader can definitely tell she was a little younger in the first scene, even if only by two years, which made the small difference between past and present Sarah believable. Second, continuity. The last few chapters, the plot has been becoming more pronounced, but this opening was perhaps the smoothest transition between character perspectives yet. It picks up from the previous chapter nicely, but also leads very well into the next chapter.
| Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 16 . 5/13/2014
Mmmm...Brock and Kieran. Yummy sex they are having in this chapter *nose starts to bleed* Nyah Nyah Nyah gay sex...
| alltheeagles chapter 15 . 5/8/2014
For the RG EF
It seems to me Kieran’s relationship with Adrik has changed somewhat. Weren’t they snapping at each other in the beginning chapters, and wasn’t Kieran in all out rebellion against Adrik for what he had done to him? I’m not sure when the change started, but well, it’s all lovey-dovey between them now, isn’t it? Annnnnnd there’s a triangle. Ok, the jury is still out for me on the subject of whether I like triangles, but I’ll wait and see how this develops.
On your reveal, nope, not a clue that it was so. And now that you’ve revealed it, I still can’t wrap my head around it and I’m perplexedly searching my memory for anything that you might have told us before to explain this. But nope... coming up empty so far. You got me. Stumped. Stymied. Mystified. Etc. And oh, just to keep to the format of the EF, the summary of this paragraph is that I like the twist, so long as as it’s nicely explained later.
Typo: Dylan had MET the minister
| deadaccount2019 chapter 10 . 5/7/2014
Random little note: I love the obnoxious bumps comment about ponytails. Is she by any chance a curly-haired girl? XD Sorry, it was such a random and relatable moment, and precisely the sort of thing I remember getting frustrated with in my teens.
So, on to the actual review. On Sarah herself, I'm curious as to why she is getting a chapter at all if she doesn't even share in fifth-importance. Aria and Christian are (according to the listing) more important in the grand scheme of things, and yet they had to share a chapter, so it seems strange to give a less important character the spotlight. That's not to say I don't like her. I actually enjoyed her quite a bit and found her a breath of fresh air from the heaviness of other characters, and really she's probably the most down-to-earth character so far making her so much more relatable. But while I really enjoyed her character, from a reading and writing perspective giving what appears to be such a minor character so much spotlight adds to the confusion that having so many characters presents, and unfortunately if this were to be published traditionally, the luxury of a character list would very unlikely be afforded.
I like that more and more of the plot outside the relationships is starting to take focus. I have to say, this whole thing with rebelling against the Minister and the rest of the governing body is really pulling me in. Especially when I consider that Iden has mostly seemed not *too* bad (well, except for the Aria front, which I still wish had some hint or clarification of what the heck is going on there). Sarah's musing on how soldiers always believe their cause is the righteous one in a war also added a nice touch of anticipation to the plot, because at this point we can't even begin to guess where things will go. That line gives a very plotty foreshadow that left me wanting more.
| deadaccount2019 chapter 9 . 5/7/2014
One of the things that I loved about the opening of this chapter is that it works strongly on its own without need prior chapters to understand all that is going on. A reader could come into the story at this chapter and pick up and move along with it with little trouble because the opening provides a hook, but also some backstory and motivation for Kieran this chapter that makes it not too expositional for regular readers, but enough of a taste of Kieran's story to reel in new readers.
On the Brock front, I'm glad to see that being a god (or at least son of a god) does not go without its side effects. Unlike Adrik, I'm really anxious to see what dynamics are begotten from a relationship with a god. The potential conflict (such as the question of how much of what Kieran feels is actually his own), although perhaps not new, is certainly not a common exploration. It also made Kieran's sudden urge to bed Brock more believable, as I have trouble believing he would have just pounced him without some sort of push (and on that note, I wonder if Brock's initial refusal was prompted by knowledge of his own feelings being picked up by others).
Question: Why did Kieran faint? Given that Adrik's "training", I find it hard to believe he would have a fainting spell over learning a guy he was supposed to be undermining anyway is in some way a bad guy. If he had had a reason to believe he was in danger (even having a complete phobia attack) I could have understood it, but the fainting seemed way too melodramatic for the circumstances.
| deadaccount2019 chapter 8 . 5/7/2014
On the question of Adrik, yeah, he's definitely not getting any love as a person after this chapter. To cut to the chase, the opening scene heavily implies that Adrik had been grooming Kieran since he was a kid. As the chapter goes on Adrik evolves from a creeper with a seriously questionable relationship with Kieran (now adding age to the pot of inappropriateness), to him flat out admitting he favors Kieran broken (perhaps not out of sadism, but definitely because it feeds Adrik's narcissism and ego), and later still demonstrating that he doesn't give a damn about boundaries with the huge breach of trust with Christian. But, as I said before, him being so unlikeable is actually what makes me appreciate him as a character, and although I wouldn't want to know him IRL, I'm going to have to say he's my favorite character.
The mystery element has been coming across for me regarding the Minister. That being said the plot is definitely overpowered by the relationship elements, which makes it easy to forget there's supposed to be a story going on outside of the bedroom. Just thinking on what you were saying about goals in terms of content for this piece, the story heavily favors the relationship element to the plot element. That's not necessarily a bad thing, as there's nothing wrong with a relationship-focused story (this is, after all, the foundation of a romance lit), but if the goal is to balance elements out, then it would help if some more time was being devoted to the plot itself. Again, not necessarily a criticism, but something that would help with clarifying the plot. On the other hand, if you wanted to keep it relationship-focused, then you could condense the underlying plot stuff and make it more concise so that it plays into the story in a subtle but clearer way.