|Reviews for Aeterna Children|
| alltheeagles chapter 14 . 5/6/2014
For the RG EF
I like how they’re all rallying around Kieran – It’s so sweet! And that in spite of knowing he’s a liar with something to hide. My cynical hardboiled side says, “Hah! If the real FBI worked like that, the USA is in deep BS!” whereas my incurable romantic side just sighs softly and goes a little misty-eyed. I also like the choice of ring tone. It’s so perfect for the scene! Yeah, take a bow, cause it’s over now, though it was very entertaining for sure (especially the bit with Kiki and screaming like a girl).
| Ventracere chapter 12 . 5/4/2014
Hum. This is a solid building chapter. At this point, I'm still not exactly sure what to think of Brock or Kieran. Then again, it's been a while since I've stopped by to read this, so... My bad! Anyways. I did enjoy how this didn't focus on Adrik as much as the previous chapters did. You've finally come back to Kieran in these past chapters to focus on him and a little bit more of the Aeterna children. So they have everlasting life and they want to protect it from reaching the rest of the world. Now we've reached the crux of the problem. However, Kieran also keeps running into problems with Brock. I still can't tell whether or not Brock is going to be a continuous problem or one that will eventually helps him out.
I also really like how although you're not focusing on Adrik, you're still developing more and more sides of him. It's a fantastic way. For one, you're giving us a better outlook of what he means to Kieran. Of course, Kieran doesn't feel the same way as Adrik does toward him, and for all that Adrik is in love with Kieran, he doesn't show it as much. Now, with this chapter, Adrik is more or less a guardian, which you have handily pointed out (:D), and you strengthen that through Adrik's actions and dialogue throughout the chapter. He's becoming more and more professional as the story goes on.
On a side note, it's interesting that you create parallels that Kieran has to face. Between his time spent between Brock and Adrik's/Aeterna Childrens' areas, he faces the same problems. With Brock and his group, they are probing, sometimes a little too deeply. Adrik's/Aeterna Children's side is more or less demanding, but he is still relatively guarded. Just the little things that make me think make me happy :D
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 15 . 5/3/2014
Oh, you're back at the RG :D I am so sorry for not being able to have checked out your other story yet - RL has been not so fun recently, what with suddenly too many things happening at once and a huge test of DOOM awaiting me in a week. I wish things wouldn’t get as much in the way as they do, but … D:
So you know – I really like this story. I think the writing could be tightened a little bit, and you do rush things at time, but I don’t really think that those aspects ruin my enjoyment at all (it’s just something you might want to focus on when you edit later :3). But really: I like this story. I think your characters are loveable, especially Adrik in this chapter. I remember thinking what a creepy bastard he was in the first few chapters, and now I don’t think of him as being all that bad. He’s clearly protective of Kieran, and he’s clearly done a good job preparing/hardening (he :D) him for the job he’s doing now – all the relocation stuff. I also think (or what I really like about him here) that he’s a lovely tease :D I really enjoy how he teases Kieran about his ‘lies’, because it makes him fun and it makes me grin XD. I also really like how, despite his protests, it’s clear that he’ll always be there for Kieran. I call that devotion, and I like it because it makes him more likeable (33).
I really, really like that moment when Kieran fell asleep in the car, and he said ‘Brock’. I liked it because it made Adrik show his more sensitive side /3 (that line about knights crying was heartbreaking). I also liked all the tender moments leading up to that – like Adrik remembering that Kieran could smile, or him warning Kieran that he was a bad liar. It just shows how well he knows Kieran. What I also liked (though it makes me confused as to what I should ship XDD) was the moment of Adrik thinking about Christian – I think it shows yet again how they are an item :D (though they both deny it, damn it).
Soooo the reveal. No, I was not expecting it, but I am intrigued – rather very intrigued :D I think you did a good job explaining it, and I'm kind of ...well, I should end this review, because part of me just wanted you to write a threesome sex scene (what with Christian, Iden and Adrik being all in bed together :P). Haha, yeah, I'll just say i'm intrigued and that I look forward to the next update :3
| Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 15 . 5/2/2014
Iden and Keiran are the same person? Whoa...i was not expecting that. It certainly is a plot twister. Can't wait for the next chapter.
| Domus Vocis chapter 9 . 4/30/2014
Tho is a really great chapter here. The reveal of what happened o Tessa was well done, and I like the writing you did in this. For example, Kieran and Brock are hiding something from each other, yet they love each other at the same time. You poetry that kind if relationship here very well. Also, i have nothing on grammar for this chapter, except for one thing. You had 'agent 474' mentioned, and personally, I would have had 'agent' capitalize to make it seem more important. Otherwise, this a job well done! :)
| Domus Vocis chapter 8 . 4/29/2014
Kieran: I really feel sorry for this kid. He sounds saddened, and sounds like he had a pretty rough life as a child. For some reason, I enjoy it when characters have a Taric backstory, because it gives you something to find relatable to him. I got nothing else to say here other than good job! :)
Other: now I get what the chapter titles now being numbers is all about. The character named chapters introduced the characters, and now the numbered chapters are the regular story right? Well if yes, then it does make a bit more sense, but it would be more consistent if you named the chapters with titles instead if Chapter 8 or 9.
Scene: My favorite scene in this chapter would have to be where Kieran lost his mother and Adrik is comforting him. It's atmospheric, the writing casts the perfect mood, and it's a great scene where the reader can really relate to Kieran. I also like how Adrik is showing just how much he cares about his friend. It's just an amazingly written emotional scene :'( (BTW, I think the italiacs is a perfect touxh to this scene, because it makes it feel more gloomy.) nicely done! :)
Grammar: I only found one problem with one sentence here. One sentence goes "He also felt like the boy liked to make his training seem worse than it was." Maybe I'm just nitpicking, but this sentence sounds weird. I'd have it go "…like the boy enjoyed I…" it would feel more flowing.
| Domus Vocis chapter 7 . 4/29/2014
Other: I think our introduction to vampires was a pretty good idea. (Though using vamps for Joey was a bit weird. It sounds a bit like a bad prostitute name. Though that's my opinion.) I also gotta give you credit that they're not all evil, that they're just creatures trying to survive. That's pretty rare.
Brock and Kieran: while I do see a bit of a spark between them (both physically and romantically) I kinda wonder what is the age difference between them? Is Brock in his thirties and Kieran in his early twenties? Not that it's bad, but a little clarity would be nice whenever I hear Brock call Kieran a 'younger man'.
Grammar: so far, everything is pretty good here in terms of spelling and grammar. Though I only have one problem here. One sentence goes "…silent wishing the Kieran would…" I recommend replacing 'the' with 'that'.
Chapter titles. Wait a minute? What happened to your chapter titles. Before they were titled after the characters in them, but now they're just numbers. I'm no saying it's bad, but it's a little inconsistent. Maybe it's only me, but ya pretty weird to go to a chapter labeled 'Aria and Christian' and then go to 'Chapter 7'.
| Domus Vocis chapter 6 . 4/29/2014
Adrik and Christian: First off, I gotta give you points here for this couple. It's kinda rare to find a gay character or two in the fantasy genre, especially if they're a couple. Second, I kinda like these two together. They both look smart, kind, caring, and affectionate of one another. Plus, they do have some kind of chemistry, unlike OTHER forms of romance. (Insert Twilight joke here)
Aria: she's a pretty strong and likeable character as well. She sounds tough, but has a bit of a temper, and she's also a mother that does love her child. I got nothing else to say here.
Pacing: your pacing is here is pretty excellent in this chapter. It feels consistent, and not too rushed. My only complaint here is the fact that the part where Aria is holding her newborn baby is the only rushed part. I would have shown more of her loving the baby, because it's pretty vague. But that's just me complaining what I want it to be as opposed to what it is.
Ending: okay, not that was a bit explicit wasn't it? I'm not complaining since this is rated M, but a little warning earlier would have been nice. (Though I be fair, the sex scene is short, and you did say it in the summary of the story there was gonna be m/m.) Still it's a pretty romantic scene. And again, I don't hate m/m scenes, it's just not my thing.
| Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 14 . 4/26/2014
Ahhhhhhhhhh kiki returns(:
I have song that I can picture Keiran just dancing to. Bad Boy by Cascada.
(: Brock and Adrik need to meet cause they would have a jealous fight of wits lol
| deadaccount2019 chapter 7 . 4/25/2014
Although there isn't much lead in from the previous chapter, I will say that the opening to this chapter is a good hook. It could have been expanded a bit more more impact (which I'll cover in the writing section), but the overall content of the black mail, the look into Brock's more recent past, and the state of society was an unexpected surprise, and one that I really enjoyed reading. It definitely got me more invested in the reading.
This tends to be a hit or miss thing throughout the story, but it really stuck out with the opening scene. There are times when little detail is added to the setting or situation, and this is the first time where it *really* detracted from the piece. In the opening scene, there is no setting detail whatsoever. At first I was imagining an office setting, but on second read it could literally be anywhere: An alley behind a museum, ancient ruins, a subway tunnel, the edge of a cliff. There's just nothing. In terms of situation, the reader has nearly as limited information. One minute Brock's being petulant and Judith is annoyed, and then all of a sudden there's a gun and the reader is left wondering what exactly is going on? Where'd the gun come from? Was it pointed at him all this time? Although I really loved the content the opening offered, it could have been so much more powerful with even just a few details to add to the tension.
[Other - Themes]
I'm not normally one to get uptight about sexuality, but I'm finding that more and more the sex aspect of the story is feeling gratuitous and tends to contribute to the slower parts of the story. That's not to say that sexuality can't play an active role in the story, but it's starting to feel over the top like Spartacus: War of the Damned, which was literally more sex than plot, whether it was in imagery, metaphor, characters talking about it, or characters actually doing it. (This is admittedly a big problem I have with Crawlers' Dance and is part of the reason I haven't updated it in a while, so do take it with a grain of salt.) I wouldn't even mind if it was restricted to one or two characters (Brock and Adrik, for example), or even if it was being looked at through different perspectives and different contexts, but a lot of times it doesn't feel like it's contributing to the plot and makes me want to skim and look for plot-related content.
The overall pacing of the chapter was pretty good. It flowed quite nicely from one scene to the next, and when the sexuality was sat aside the story moved along at a very nice rate.
One extra because the last was so short. I'm a bit on the fence about the introduction of vampires. I was surprised to hear they're in this world, however I kind of feel like it was a spoiler and worry that it will dampen the impact if or when they actually appear in the story. That being said, I loved the bee simile you used to describe their disposition, and I really want to know if that description applies to their social structure as well, which would open the door to some really neat exploration of their hierarchy should they appear.
| deadaccount2019 chapter 6 . 4/24/2014
Getting back to what I was saying previously, the time jumps do make it difficult to focus on everything that's going on. I actually thought it would have been better to separate Aria and Christian's portions into their own chapters in order to help stay focused on each of their stories and perspective. It also would help avoid jumping back and forth in time in one chapter to establish a stronger sense of continuity.
While I love subplots, I'm finding that there is just too much going on to keep track of in one story. Outside of Adrik, connections between the subplots are flimsy, which again, causes the story to lose a lot of focus. It did introduce a little more look into the second life concept, which I believe has been mentioned before, but in all honesty if the story were rewritten without the focus on Aria or Christian, this concept could just as easily be touched on through Kieran, Adrik or even Brock's perspective.
I'm really confused on what exactly is supposed to be going on with Aria. She goes from a prodigy seeker to a petulant personal assistant to the minister's wife (concubine? baby machine? it's not very clear what's going on here) in three years with nothing in between to suggest what on earth is going on. While some of it is clarified in Christian's section, this was a case where holding off on plot details was very detrimental to the story. I want to know more about her, because it feels as though she's got more going for her than the 2-dimesional portrayal so far, but there's just nothing to go on.
Christian is decidedly the first character I genuinely dislike as a character. Being gay doesn't equal feminine, and unfortunately Christian's characterization is not only a stereotype of homosexual men, but also of 2-dimensional women. By the end of the chapter I was wondering if Christian is actually relevant to the plot, or if he's just Adrik's boytoy and an exposition device.
Okay, getting the ramble about Christian out of the way, his relationship with Adrik really helps back up the sleezy feel Adrik gives off. What's more interesting, however, is how realistic it comes across as. I know I said before that Adrik and Kieran were messed up, but Adrik and Christian are downright disturbing. I know the summary says poly, but really Adrik's approach is very much that of a narcissistic serial womanizer (erm, manizer? :-S Not sure what the male variant for that is). On the other hand Christian wants a monogamous relationship, but just sort of accepts Adrik's behavior because of his own emotional neediness. They essentially enable each other in a vicious cycle that isn't all together uncommon in reality, so kudos for pulling that off so believably. :)
| deadaccount2019 chapter 5 . 4/24/2014
One thing that I've noticed is that there are a lot of times when the writing could be tightened up for a smoother flow. For example, the opening line could have been written something along the lines of:
-Kieran arrived at a rundown office building early his first morning.]
It doesn't necessarily have to be *that* condensed, however it's something to look at to help keep the narrative from getting too bogged down. There are a number of points where sentences felt longer than they needed to be, and I think that if you could trim some of them down it would really help boost the impact of the little things such as setting details.
I'm still on the fence about Keiran, but I definitely enjoyed Brock better through another character's perspective. Not being able to get a grasp on what's going on his head really boosted the entertainment value of his quips and teasing. I suppose it gives him a sense of mystery and makes me want to know more about him, but it also plays in well with his relation to Comus.
Something I really liked about Kieran's voice in this chapter was the "nosy questions" comment during the exam. It really builds on his lack of trust without getting melodramatic about it. It was a great way to use the narrative to establish more of his attitude.
I wasn't really sure which category this falls under, but I thought the chapter worked better without a past segment. It really help established a focused perspective on Keiran's first day, as well as the main plot. One thing I find when there are too many flashbacks happening is that it can be easy to get slowed down or lost in what's supposed to be going on (I believe it was chapter 3 I had to reread to get a better grasp at what was happening on Brock's end), and I found it much easier to focus on and appreciate what was happening this chapter without having to look for how the backstory is tying in with the present.
Outside of the writing comment earlier, I thought you handled the pacing well this chapter. It's a bit slower, but I think it works for the content that was covered. It helps the reader ease into the new job with Kieran and avoids making it feel too rushed/forced.
| GossamerSilverglow chapter 3 . 4/24/2014
Labyrinth #181 - 3 of 3:
I want to know how these people can be so old and not necessarily be vampires. Did I miss it? Maybe I wasn’t reading carefully enough, but I am fairly curious about it. Anyhow, on to the story:
The Greek mythology introduction wasn’t expected. Honestly, I think it would do better for the story to present this earlier on. I think in chapter one when you first talk about the Aeterna Children. As I said before, it felt like the reader was expected to know what the AC were and while you did give a hint with the special ability part, it really didn’t give enough. I know info dump can be a problem in first chapters, but even a sentence or two about the myths would make the first chapter work better because out of all the chapters the first one seemed the least interesting (aside from Lily). This is my opinion and I’m just offering suggestions. But on the other hand, it brings a better explanation to things here too.
Honestly, I’m not sure what to think of Brock. He seemed sleazy and kind of jerkish, but I suppose that’s to be expected since he’s a half god who used to live on Olympus. At this point, what I do know is that I’m not shipping Kieran and Adrik. I think that particular relationship was doomed to begin with, mainly for the part Adrik played in Kieran’s past. Kiki the house ghost was a great addition though and the whole ‘deleting of Wife Swap’ was pretty funny. Keep writing!
| GossamerSilverglow chapter 2 . 4/24/2014
Labyrinth #181 - 2 of 3:
I like the way you slip information in here or there. Where originally it doesn’t seem important, but then as the reader continues to read they realize that ‘aha’ it was important. I do that with my stuff and not everyone gets it all the time. This is why I decided to read this chapter all the way through i.e. I won’t be commenting on a section here or there, but the chapter as a whole.
I like that it’s Adrik’s view point in the chapter, it makes the reader understand his mind set a little better in regards to Kieran. It brought a new atmosphere to the story as well as another perspective to the love/hate relationship between Kieran and Adrik. Adrik’s need to keep Brock from Kieran makes me curious. He seems possessive, but at the same time is in a relationship with at least two other people. It’s clear he doesn’t want Kieran to be in another relationship with anyone else. Is he that way with Iden and Christian too? Anyhow, I have to say that this chapter brought more of a 'creep' factor to the world you've created.
I also happen to think Golden Girls is quite funny too and the fact that Kieran’s favorite soda is Dr. Pepper has made me like his character all the more. *_-
| GossamerSilverglow chapter 1 . 4/24/2014
Labyrinth #181 - 1 of 3:
The good news is you write pretty fluidly. The bad news is I don’t see the point (yet) of the first section… basically everything before January 2013 that is. I suppose the point could be that weird guy Kieran saw at the movies, but it was so fleeting that it had no presence for me. Personally, if the Texan man was the point, then I’d say make the interaction between the kid and the man a little longer? For the time they’re interacting Kieran is thinking about the five senses and not the ‘odd sensation’ he got when the man sat down.
At first I thought this guy was going to kidnap him and then I later read that he was kidnapped (at least that’s how I understood it). Anyhow, the introduction to Aeterna Children is presented like the reader is expected to know what these Aeterna Children are, if it was in there, I missed it. So what are they? That was my first impression, but I reread the section and I caught it. So I suppose the whole ‘sense’ section up above makes even more sense now. Kieran has a sixth sense and Aeterna Children are those with the special ability… right?
The introduction of Lily piqued my interest. She’s actually the reason I re-read the beginning a little bit and was able to catch some things I’d missed. It’s also now clear why the introduction of Ashley was in the beginning. Killing her in this accident made it understandable (I’m sure there’s more reasoning behind it too) on why he chose to stay away. I’m curious about his interaction between Adrik.
It’s obviously a love hate thing. I get the feeling that Adrik is possibly a lot older than Kieran. Especially when he threw out the ‘adolescent’ rant thing at Kieran. As first chapters go, it was a good layout for things to come I think.