|Reviews for Aeterna Children|
| Domus Vocis chapter 5 . 4/24/2014
Grammar: I kinda agree grammar isn't your best thing. There are a couple instances where you capitalize at unneeded parts, and don't capitalize at parts thy are needed. For example, you have one go '(Without a helmet…' I'd look at it more.
Dialogue: like I said above, you have a couple of pieces of dialogue that doesn't start capitalized, like at the end and what Brock says. Besides that, it doesn't feel unbalanced, but I'd look through it a bit in this chapter.
Ending: I honestly don't know what's gonna happen. I love it when chapters just leave you hanging and wanting more. And you do it really nice here! :)
Characters: so far, you've done a fun job at developing the personalities of these characters. They're all distinct, likeable, and easy to find in the story. I especially like it when they bicker with one another. It's just fun! :D
Good job now! Keep it up!
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 13 . 4/22/2014
You dropped me this lovely review today, so I wanted to return the favour (and well, I'm really curious about your other story too, so the sooner I'm all caught up on this, the better :D) I’m too tired to go in-depth, but I’ll try to be as …hmm, useful as possible XD
So :D Silly things first: I'm asking myself just when Brock used lube XD But it's not a crit, because ...a) he's not human, so maybe he doesn't need it XD and b) I'm so guilty of not having used lube in my first smutty stories XDD) and c) maybe you just didn't feel like mentioning it XD (but …I’d not be against more detail in future stories :D). Anyhow, the smut scene was a nice surprise, especially with Brock bottoming :D :D I’m such a fan of unexpected dynamics in the bedroom, and am even more pleased that you broke the seme/uke stereotypes (because let’s be honest: I think most of us were expecting Kieran to bottom XDDD). It was cool and unexpected, and it was hot to see Brock topping from bottom :3 (I’ll love you forever if they switch regularly). Hmm, I liked how nervous Kieran was, but how he still looked forward to it. I
t was a very tender and emotional smut scene, which I think was nice to read. I’ll be honest: I would have wanted more detail, but that’s because I am both a reader of slash fic and …more yaoi manga than you’d probably imagine XD. But I understand: you want to keep this story tamer, and that’s totally warranted (we’re doing the same for CW, which is rather funny, considering that *I* at least used to/still write a lot of NC-17 stuff XD). So please don’t be too bothered if I say I wanted more, because I’m just a fangirl :P
I’m definitely invested in the Kieran-Brock relationship, and loved that moment when Brock asked if Kieran was serious with him. He just sounded so genuine, and my heart breaks when I think what will happen once he finds out that Kieran has been playing a bit with him after all /3 (no matter that Kieran is serious re: their relationship – Brock will still be shocked). I’m really wondering where this relationship is headed…
I loved the one moment where Kieran wondered whether Brock would really fuck him over his desk. HOT :D (Make this happen, please 33?).
OKAY this has mostly been gibberish so far, but: I like the plot too. A lot. You’ve made things a lot clearer re: Kieran’s intentions and what he has to do. I definitely felt for him when he killed Sarah, and I liked how he briefly thought of how Adrik had trained him better than Sarah had ever been instructed. I also really liked how cold-blooded he was – that was chilling, especially because you know it’s just a front. He’s dying inside ): Sooo, I also liked the scene after that, with him briefly wondering how he’d always liked Adrik comforting him. For a moment, I was worried that something would happen between the two of them, but I’m glad I was wrong :3
Haha, not sure what else to tell you? This was a very nice and soothing read, and I’ll move on your other story now :33 (and will be waiting for a new update eagerly).
| BiasedRabbit chapter 1 . 4/19/2014
I really like the flash between times you used here! It's kind of a trope that I like pretty much everywhere it's used, and I'm kind of a sucker for it. Kieran (I love the name, by the way), reminds me of like, a little Ron Weasely and a little Chucky from Rugrats. I like how...how's the phrasing..."In touch" you are with his seven year old mind. I don't know, that sounded kind of awkward. Sometimes when people try to write young, it comes out...weird. Like a mistranslation, or something. I really liked how you handled it here. I do like what you have going here, and I'll try to catch up with what's in store! (That being if schedules and things allow it).
| Ventracere chapter 11 . 4/16/2014
Hmm. Nice little inclusion you had in the beginning describing the relationship between Sarah and Aria. It's important, they've got a relationship that seems to be even stronger than that of Aria and her husband. Will Sarah and Aria's relationship become more important later? Oh wait, it does, nice inclusion and wrap up with the beginning of the chapter. Aria is definitely protective of Sarah in a way, and I'm glad that she gets onto Adrik's back for it.
Onto Adrik though, I think his argument between Aria started out more as a little bit shaky, then you got on a roll. Aria was a little bit more volatile than I thought she was, and I probably should have caught onto that a little earlier. Sorry! But. I think the little outburst in the end was a good way to close out the end of the conversation, to illuminate how done both of them are with their situation.
Adrik knows what he seems like to other people, and it's a nice thing to see him show his more vulnerable side outside of his head. The fact that Aria thinks that both Christian and Adrik are mooning over one another is also relatively significant. My mind keeps going back to the chapter where Adrik wonders whether or not he should let Christian in, and I don't know. I'm still questioning his resolve towards the man.
| Ventracere chapter 10 . 4/16/2014
Early on, you establish Sarah as a cynical character with her conversation with her mother. I do feel like the dialogue is a little "eh" here, especially with how quickly she accepts Gene. I feel like with the indignant/skeptical tone the way she is pulling on her mother, I would have thought she would have argued for a little longer. It's a good thing that you didn't drag it on too long - that would have been too much. You made up for the little thing there by letting us into Sarah's head. You show her as a daughter who is willing to put aside her own opinions/wants for the sake of her mother's happiness. It's a good trait to see in a character :)
"Before Sarah could even try and figure out the answers to the million and one questions in her head Polo walked into the front of the room and called the meeting to order." Should there be a comma between "head" and "Polo"?
There are a few things here and there, but I especially liked her interaction between Adrik. It's kind of nice not being able to see into Adrik's head a little. Now we get to wonder what's going inside of his head as Sarah and Lucy compare him to a dog. It's kind of refreshing? I don't know. I like his character, but I think it's more amusing when someone like Lucy is able to push off his charms.
| Ventracere chapter 9 . 4/16/2014
"the slight tough" - I think this should be "slight touch"
Humm. I think the unsuspectedness (oh god, that's not a word, please ignore me) of Kieran taking a hand to Finian may have worked a little too well. It seemed out of character, but I guess that was your point because it was Brock's emotions bleeding over. It's a little alarming to be honest, to see that Brock has such an easy sway on Kieran; however, does this happen to anyone else? It doesn't seem like it at this point. I'm having antsy feelings about this.
I think some of your transitions are a little jarring. The switch between the scenes from Kieran's sudden reaction to Brock's skipping out the elevator was kind of like: what? The shift in mood was huge, and I think you need to show that there is a switch in time. Or use a line or something to separate the two scenes. I do like the mental image though hahah.
"Kieran threw the file into the industrial shredder and watched it well, shred." - I think this line stood out a little bit because it felt a little too conversational. While, yes, you're playing with the more 3rd person POV based off of Kieran's view, I don't think that fits. It's the "well" part that's bothering me, but that's personal preference. I'm not sure about this but, is there supposed to be a comma between "it" and "well"?
| IAmButAWindow chapter 5 . 4/16/2014
Not fun stuff first. Fun stuff later. Deal with it. Or cry. Or neither. Woot! :) "On their way to the file room, Brock had shown Ianto (Ianto? Ian to? Lanto? Whaaat? D:)"
"According to Brock (they?) hadn't had any..." Missing that "they" girl. Read it out loud to yourself. Not just in your head. It helps. :D A couple others, but I'll leave those alone. :)
Everyone's favorite grammatically efficient Window here with another review. Sorry it took a while.
There was a lot of playfulness here, and again, I feel like I've missed something. I think I keep feeling this way because you only briefly mention the fact that Kieran had been stalking Brock for a couple months, and we never really got to se any of it. They're already so playful and open with each other, and that kind of stuff generally (read...generally) takes time. If you wanted MY PERSONAL opinion (emphasis on the "just me" part), I might actually write another chapter that takes place between 3 and 4 or 2 and 3. Something along the lines of Kieran stalking Brock, and a few meetings between the two of them to set the stage. That's. Just. Me.
Ok, I did NOT expect the place to be filthy, or even for Brock to be so tacky. XD Orange boots? What? Brock (I'm starting to realize) is a guy that really just doesn't care. I can imagine why. His back story fits with that. He just doesn't care about what people think, how he looks, or what he says. If he does, it's to a minimal degree. He's a downtrodden god (or demigod), I would be the same way.
The more I see Kieran, the more feminine he becomes. I may get slapped because "that's a gender stereotype". *eye roll*, I don't care, just saying what I see. I guess I've just seen him be so firm and harsh with the child leader and Adrick, and then see him giggle at his own thought didn't quite fit in what I pictured. *shrug* I guess I'm just getting to know the guy a little bit better. :)
The whole office thing seemed fishy to me. Not the writing, but the way Brock and the others handled it. It's like they're almost on to the fact that he's in it with an ulterior motive, and they're quick to leave him, even though he's doesn't find anything. Almost like they know he'd look. Fishy...yes...very fishy. We'll have to see what Brock's really up to (or if he's even the bad guy here, which I'm beginning to doubt).
Well, back to my working. :( PT exams, exercise, and Russia are doing the crazy things to my life. Hope I was of some help.
| Whirlymerle chapter 9 . 4/16/2014
Opening: Damn, I'm not altogether sure about the context of the event, but that scene with Tessa was scary. O.o
Okay, cool. I really like how smart aleck Kieran was with Finnian when he made the comment about being called a brown nose. Good save, haha. Though I feel kinda bad for Finnian since Kieran actually didn’t mean to hit him.
I’m a bit bothered by Kieran’s reaction to this scene. His fainting when finding out that Brock is Agent 474 suggested that he’s already super sensitive to just the idea of Brock’s capacity to commit gruesome violence. But then Brock brings him to his own house, undresses him—which in my opinion, is creepy regardless, and then Kieran just sorts of gets over his fear of Brock after a few smooches and becomes hot and needy. I know the last line suggests that Kieran might be aware he’s on the verge of having some sort of mental breakdown, but I just feel like the polar extremities in his thoughts/reactions are a bit too… extreme.
Otherwise, I do really like how you write Kieran and Brock scenes. There’s lots of chemistry between them.
| Whirlymerle chapter 8 . 4/15/2014
Hey there! I’ve been super busy lately, but I’m always up for returning reviews. :D
Yeah, no, I actually really liked that Kieran crying is one of Adrik’s favorite memories. There’s an element of not-quite-rightness to it. But people also tend to think not-quite-right thoughts fairly frequently than represented in fiction, I think, and I thought Adrik’s admission was a breath of fresh air.
[Not that is wasn’t bad] “it”?
[Adrik was positive the man had to work out at least eight hours a day] I thought it was established in a previous chapter that the AC kept their body shapes forever after they died? Or has Polo not died yet (he’s seems pretty high up on the AC social ladder though)?
So I think it might be because it’s been awhile since I read this. I’m not quite getting what’s the mystery per se, but I do get that there’s a rebellion against the Minister stirring, and Adrik’s sort of playing double agent. I’m intrigued, for sure.
I definitely like that Adrik is involved in things, and I think this chapter portrayed him in a much more positive light. I like how we’re seeing him in action and planning things.
The most enjoyable part of this chapter for me is probably Adrik’s banter with Christian at the end. There dialogue was really entertaining. I like seeing the friendship between Adrik and Christian.
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 1 . 4/15/2014
I'll admit, I was a little wary after the summary. It sounded a lot like it was going to be a story with a bunch of complicated, overwrought relationship drama, which I tend to stay away from. Otherwise it sounded interesting enough, so I clicked anyways.
For a first chapter, it wasn't bad. Not much happened, but it did a good job of easing us into the characters and who they are. The scene at the end was also very well done. Your writing created a good mixture of tension and suspense, two things that often keep a reader reading onwards.
Admittingly, I skimmed here and there, but I don't think it had too much to do with the content or the story. I'm horribly distracted right now, so my review abilities are probably lagging. It does get a little slow here and there, but most first chapters do.
Now, another major factor of a first chapter is the writing. You've passed this test. The writing style is nice and fluid- I never once found it choppy, and believe me, I search for choppiness. It's personal preference, but I prefer longer, flowing sentences and your writing style has done nothing short of pleasing me. I would reccommend trimming down just a little, because I had a pretty long first chapter to (descriptions everywhere) and I was able to cut a lot and prevent readers skimming\loosing interest. My only real suggestion for the chapter.
-From the roadhouse
| Guest chapter 13 . 4/13/2014
It just gets better and better!
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 12 . 4/15/2014
So this is the last review for today. I’m already tired ): and my brain is slowly going kaput, so I’ll not do this depth style, because I find it really hard to review that way (hope you don’t mind!).
My favourite parts of this chapter were definitely the Kieran scenes, especially the past ones. It was nice to see that the girlfriend was just a beard, and that he was in love with her brother :3 (it’s nice because I always thought of him as being predominantly gay, even if I do think sexuality is fluid and all; Kieran, however, just strikes me as being exclusively into men). I really liked how angry he was, and how it took Adrik to calm him down – I liked how you referenced to the training that would take place later on :3
I liked that meeting with Jasmine. I think it was nice to see how he started out, and it was nice to see how the ‘children’ came to be. Overall, really just nice scenes, and I’m not going to complain :3
Sooo, what I’m really shocked by: relocation means killing? Oh dear D: You know, I re-read twice to check if I’d gotten it right, and it just makes me feel terrible to think that Kieran is going to murder people just like that (though it’s understandable, given the rebellion but still…D: ) Oh yes, I think you handled that scene quite well, by the way, especially from the perspective of Kieran.
Hmm, I liked the scene between Brock and Kieran: their banter is nice as usual, and I like seeing them acting like a couple. Kieran’s frustration was a nice touch (I’m sure he’s going to find a way to alleviate that soon). Also, the image of Kieran of walking around in nothing but bedsheets is a nice one :3
Hmm, the scene with Finn and Kieran: I actually wonder if Finn suspects him? I worry about that; I kind of don’t want the nice antics between Kieran and his new office-mates to go to hell too quickly (because they’re fun!).
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 11 . 4/15/2014
It's been a while! ): (You should play for Multi-chap, so I can review those chapters I'm missing D: until I’m all caught up, but let’s see :) I’ve done my done half of my studying quota for today, and I’ll see if I can squeeze in a return review today 333).
Plot: Admittedly, I had to juggle my memories, and was a teensy bit confused at first, but that cleared when I read all of it. So it’s not your fault, but just me being a silly and forgetful thing :3. So now: I rather liked that this was a slower chapter, for those reasons. It re-introduced older readers to the elements of the plot, and helped move things a little: like Sarah’s relocation and so forth :3. I rather liked how this chapter dipped into the character of Aria, and explained how little she knew her husband. I also liked how it featured her first meeting with Sarah; I think those aspects helped me understand her character a bit better, and also what it did to confirm about Adrik, especially his relationship with Christian. I felt that this chapter did a lot for me on a character and relationships front.
Relationships: I feel sorry for Aria. I felt you did a good job portraying her guilt (and love for Tammy). I really liked that sentence where she felt that Tammy gave her what she needed, because her husband couldn’t give it to her. I don’t think her husband Iden is being honest with her, and it kind of irks me how powerless she is against his commands. I do feel her anger was fully justified here. On another note, I really like how you showed her concern for Sarah; you didn’t say a lot but it was evident through her dialogue. Overall, I really appreciate the overall complexity of the relationships in this chapter: you have Iden Aria, Aria –Tammy and even Christian Adrik (I loved that line where Aria realised just how much those two love each other).
Writing: I think the writing is fine. I really think the writing is pleasant otherwise: it doesn’t feel too awkward, or too stilted, but reads simply and makes me feel at ease. I find that, on days like these, I tend to speed-read a lot, and don’t really pay attention to every paragraph as well as I should, but I don’t find that to be an issue with you, because I still get everything during my first read-through (which is good!). I do think the writing could be tighter, but I’m really okay with what you have here too. More than that, really :3 (it’s mostly really just some small grammatical errors you need to take a look at, but I don’t want to harp about it, because it’s not like those errors are too distracting!)
Technique: I like that you have the opening stand out from the rest of the chapter, as a sort of flashback to the past? I think it serves as a nice insight into Aria’s mind, and helps us understand her better. I think it was just nice to see how those two met, and became this close (lol I can’t think of anything more to say). Anyhow, I also like how you break up your chapter into those little thematic scenes – like Aria’s feelings on the betrayal of her husband, and so forth? It makes the reading process simpler.
| Domus Vocis chapter 4 . 4/15/2014
Dialogue: Again I like your dialogue. It feels consistent and flows nicely. Though I'll admit you do tend to ass a bit of explanation after the character says his/her dialogue is said. Its not a problem though; maybe it's just me.
Plot: I'm kinda confused on what time period we were in. You just put the beginning part of the chapter as 'Past' and the other as 'Present'. A little bit of clarity would be nice.
Kieran: I really like this guy. He's smart on his feet, has a good heart, and also gets funny lines here an there. Though who names a boy Kieran?
Diction: the diction you use is pretty good. It matches the mood of the story and doesn't feel out of place. You also use words some writers tend not to use. For example, I like how you use 'gazed' instead of 'look' in one scene. That's pretty subtle.
| C. V. Atwood chapter 13 . 4/14/2014
Okay, made it through all the chapters. You are really on a role.
You've really got some good characters here. They all have very clear personalities, seem to have well developed backgrounds, and have more sexual tension than should be legally allowed. :p My only problem is that there are so many characters that you are giving control of reader's P.O.V. It was a bit overwhelming, and to be honest, with the exception of Kieran, Brock, and Adrick who seem to have the most screen time I had to keep flipping back to be reminded who I was reading about. This is made more difficult because you haven't actually given your chapters titles. Perhaps titling them by the name of the character they follow would help with this problem. At the very least it would make it easier to scroll back when the reader gets lost. Otherwise, I might try to limit how many p.o.v.'s you use.
I generally don't have a problem with the style, but you have such complicated characters with special abilities and multiple lives that just make following this many characters confusing. I want to be able to read through and enjoy the plot development (you have a good plot), but it took me longer to read than it should of because I had to keep cycling back through chapters. I might label the chapters and also look at limiting the number of p.o.v.'s to 3 or 4.
There were quite a bit more typos in the latter half of the story. I don't know if you have a BETA but I would seriously consider getting one. It is a fact of life that we are never very good editors of our own work. They might also be able to help with the character confusion by helping identify information that could be wrapped into another character's chapters to limit the number or p.o.v.'s you are using.
Like I said in an earlier review, it sounds like you have a very well thought out plot. Let that shine, and remember that the reader wants to be able to follow that plot. The side stories and sexual tension are interesting tidbits, but make sure they contribute to the overall plot or are absolutely necessary to character development. Also, thank you for making flashbacks clear. I know many writers, myself included, have some difficulty with that.
Best of luck! :)