|Reviews for Aeterna Children|
| Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 13 . 4/13/2014
I love the smut(: haha and...its obvious Adrik has feelings for Kieran.
| alltheeagles chapter 13 . 4/13/2014
For the RG EF
I like how you show that Kieran is actually good at his job (and not just good at flirting and leading Brock on). He sounds really professional and efficient. I wonder, though, why he needed to use the truth tablets. Surely he isn't doubting the government's identification of the rebels? I like how this chapter is very much clearer than others in terms of plot development. I clearly understand that Kieran offed Sarah and slept with Brock. I also observe that Kieran apparently has another agenda apart from finding those files he was supposed to - he's also looking for a stake to stake his sister with. Tricky one, aren't you, Kir?
There were lots of typos, but you know that. The only one I can't ignore is the word HOLLER, which you spelled 'hallor'. That made me think of Halo the game. PS I don't think you need to warn for smut if you already have an M rating.
| LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 2 . 4/13/2014
I disliked the constant use of Adrik's name throughout this chapter because it felt like a record of replay and threw off the flow of the chapter. I also disliked that you barely characterize Lily because it makes us feel no connection for her and feel for her. I, however liked the complexity of Adrik's character that is displayed because it make shim feel more three dimensional than previous chapters. I also liked the use of flashback to show Adrik's relationship with Kieran to show the happier times they live through.
| Ventracere chapter 8 . 4/12/2014
“Christian clearing his throat pulled Adrik out of his thoughts a second time.” I thought this read a little funny (feel free to disregard). I want to say that this should be reworded somehow? “Adrik was pulled out of his thoughts by Christian clearing his throat for a second time.” I don’t know.
Coming off the beginning of the present, I feel like this was a little bit of a quick turn around for the dynamic between Adrik and Christian. Before, yes they were all about the more intimate part of intimacy, but I feel like this one there is a disconnect between the first few chapters. Yes, Adrik is still obviously preoccupied by Kieran, and even though Christian may just want Adrik in his bed all the time, I find it a little difficult to believe there would be such a 90 degree durn. Maybe that’s just me.
For all that Kieran is the protagonist, I’m feeling like Adrik is more of the star of the show. He is definitely an integral part to Adrik, but with the way you are developing Adrik, he’s got more to lose than Kieran. His heart is in peices, but he isn’t unwilling to play that of those around him. Defence mechanism. He’s a loveable guy, so to speak, he grows on you for all of his imperfections :)
| IAmButAWindow chapter 4 . 4/11/2014
Yowza. Everyone's favorite octagonal Window here with another review.
"This time he wasn't scowling however, but looking at Tessa with and (an?) that Kieran could only describe as pity." As always, not fun stuff first. :) That's about it this chapter though. There's a few stylistic things, but I won't bother you with those.
I'll be honest, I felt the attraction between Kieran and Brock was a bit sudden. I might have missed something, but all of a sudden I hear Brock say things like, "I know, I want you too." I was like, "whaaaat? D: since when?" It just seemed rather odd. I think I missed something though. I have a tendency to be an idiot. Often. :P
I loathe Adrik. Don't take offense at that. Every time I start to see him as human, he reminds me of how evil he is. It's hard to find sympathy that tortured and (technically) raped a young boy. Yes, he's looking for love, but he's doing it in all the wrong ways. Again, I hope you won't take offense at that, and I'll rephrase this review if you really want me to, I just worked with a group of people that work against sex trafficking and a large percentage of that is with children. He reminds me of one of those men we work against.
Tessa, huh? A sister. She's a twin. She's not a twin? What is she, and what does she know that Kieran wasn't supposed to (or that Adrick didn't want him to). The government and hierarchy of this group of individuals was explored a bit as well, and I thought that was pretty cool. :)
Some pretty good stuff so far. Brock is as edgy as ever, though I guess his lack of filter over his words comes from years and years of seeing people come and go. That'd certainly have an effect on a person, poor guy.
More to come from Window Reviews Inc.
| faerie-gumdrops chapter 6 . 4/11/2014
Rule 10 thingy (I remembered! Woot!)
So it was fun to meet Aria in this one. I love her spunk with her sensing ability. Even back when she was a wee little kid, bless her. She seems like a force to be reckoned with. Well, okay, that sounds scary, and she seems lovely, but her abilities are just so cool, the way that the memory wipe etc. just didn’t work on her. And how about her tracking down this 300-year-old Donald fellow. Awkward, much? Although who wouldn’t want to stalk a pretty boy. OOH you have lots of pseudo stalking in this, don’t you? :p Much fun! Also, hehe, I love your authoritative children, like Liam in this one. Gah, must suck to be them, huh? Never. Um. Growing up and such (at least that’s how I understand it? Like… they die in their first life and then come back some other time and stay that age / way forever? Sorry if I’m getting this wrong, I’m trying to figure things out as I go along :p). Like…would they never get to know what sex is like? Eek.
Wee, fun to see the contrast between Aria’s past and present, with regards to her situation. Now she’s all fat with bubba. I giggled at the idea of freezing the poor bub out (although sort of toe-curling, cos like the tummy is not a place that anything cold should ever go. Like EVER). But yay, the bub is here :D. I love all the warmth between Aria and Ruby, so sweet. Hehe, and I’d love to see how Iden convinced Aria to warm to him. Actually, I’d love to see more of Iden generally! The guy has been built up so much, he has to be awesome, right?
And ee little Christian. I like him – how he’s a little odd with what turns him on, and how he seems to sort of have a mix of traditional and modern ideas on relationships. Like he says he doesn’t mind Adrik going with other people; he just wants to be the most important person. And he seems very sweet when it comes to Iden. I wonder what all that Etienne stuff was about. I love how you juggle all these different stories about, keeping us constantly entertained. I don’t think I’ve got confused yet, so tres bien (I French in honour of le Christian-face)!
| IAmButAWindow chapter 3 . 4/11/2014
Well now...everyone's favorite lovely Window here to do another review.
First off, I'll get the sad stuff out of the way. You have a sentence, "Silence took control of the room, of course it did the man was the king of the gods after all, everyone was scared of him." Read it. Sounds like a run-on. Alternative? "Silence took control of the room. Of course it did; the man was the king of the gods after all. Everyone was scared of him." Threeish sentences. Non comma spliced. :) Suggestion.
Lessen her aggravation? Ease might be better? It just sounds funny. (:
"He asked, trying to get break down the tension..." (I'm assuming the 'get' isn't supposed to be there?)
Last technical thing then I can get to the fun stuff. "'Figured it out yet?' The ghost snapped appearing again." Hmmm...do you mean "Figured it out yet?" the ghost snapped, appearing again. If 'the ghost snapped' is part of the sentence, then it doesn't need to be capitalized. Otherwise it reads like, "'Figured it out yet?' the ghost snapped (her fingers), appearing again." If she's snapping her fingers it's fine. XD Also that comma is necessary between snapped and 'appearing again'. You have her 'snap' again on the very last line. Again, it reads "She snapped (her fingers) before disappearing..." as opposed to "'Right," she snapped, before disappearing into thin air." Ok. Enough of that. REAL stuff. :)
So all of that was under...grammar and punctuation nonsense or something or other.
Characters: I like Brock. If I'm honest, I sympathize with him more than Kieran. Sure Kieran's had a hard life, but Brock has been completely displaced from everything he's ever known. That sucks. :( Sure, screwing with Zeus' females isn't the smartest thing if mythology is any indication, but it's still sad. Kiki was an interesting addition. Didn't quite know what to make of her, but she brought some smiles. I guess I'll see soon enough if she's important to the plot or just a giggles character. :)
Relationships: So I know that Kieran has the job, because Aldrick got the call, so is this explaining how he got it? I guess so. Interesting. I liked getting into Brock's mind. I hear all this bad stuff about him in the first few chapters, and I was kinda wondering exactly what kind of man he is. Now I see. His relationship with his secretary, his former lover, his ghost, all of them are guarded. He stands to lose everything at any time, without ever being the one lost, he has to be guarded. It's kind of sad. He doesn't quite seem like the evil jerk that others think. XD
Plot: So...this is going to be a Brock/Kieran thing? As it stands, I'm not quite sure who's the villain. Aldrick's kinda a jerk. Brock's kinda a jerk. Kieran's even kinda a jerk. XD With so many jerks (not to mention the child leader, and Zeus himself), I don't know who to root for yet. Do I WANT Kieran together with Brock? Should I be shipping Brock and Kiki? D: There's a lot of directions this can go, so I'm itching to see where it does.
| LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 1 . 4/11/2014
I liked the way you started off this story with kid Kieran because it makes us feel more connected to him. We learn more in this small bit on his psyche then anywhere else. I also liked how you intergrated the key plot immediately because it makes us wonder how JOy connects to the plot and shows KIeran's fear of the FBI? I however disliked Adrik as a character because she seems harsh and different from the start. It feels like we have a plot gap. Otherwise, awesome story.
| Domus Vocis chapter 3 . 4/11/2014
Pacing: I must admit you have a fair grasp of pacing in this chapter. It conveys what the characters, especially Brock, think and how they act. I mean I've read a lot of books with good pacing, and this seems like one of them:)
Diction: the same can be said here; your diction dos work well here. It's timeless, but not too timeless. In both the 1930s and 2913 version, te diction matches the time period perfectly.
Syntax: For the sake of not repeating myself; you need to cut your paragraphs up! I don't know if it's just me, but you seem to have your paragraphs set up so that they seem the same length! It works against t because it slows the pacing down. My advice here would be to cut it into separate paragraphs and have the dialogue separate so it'd be easier to read. I'm sorry if I'm being a bother here :( But it's really distracting!
Techniques: I find it very clever how you can distinctly tell what time period the story takes place in. Like for example, you have the transition of time periods in bold and cut scenes cut by a line. It works well because it allows the reader to not be confused.
Otherwise, good chapter! :)
| C. V. Atwood chapter 3 . 4/11/2014
"Hearing the old southern woman cuss made Brock smile."- Well, it made me smile too. I'm from the South and I could just picture some old ladies I know.
This is a great character development chapter for Brock, and a great chapter for expanding your world. This would have been an entertaining plot just with dead people suddenly waking up alive, but with the addition of gods and other beings you have really opened up your world. It also added even more to the tension you built in the previous chapters because Brock is hesitant about Kieran, but the way he is adjusting his jeans I am not sure that will last long. I think Brock has the impression he shouldn't trust Kieran (as do I), which I am sure makes for great scenes in future chapters.
This is again a very clean chapter. I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors, and your writing flows very well. I don't have any suggestions as far as improvement. This seems pretty solid so far.
| C. V. Atwood chapter 1 . 4/11/2014
Wow, I really like this for an opening chapter. When you said Joy died in 1904 and woke up in 1974 that was a great way of introducing the reader to aeterna children. It also makes for an interesting hook that made me want to read more. I think all the characters are really well done here. They all have distinct personalities and mannerisms. I know many authors tend to write their characters too closely, but you don't have a problem with that. Kieran is seems torn and trapped, while Adrik makes me a little uncomfortable. This dynamic sets up great tension. Your writing slows well and it is clear there has been much editing done to this piece, nothing sounds repetitive and I didn't find any errors.
| Domus Vocis chapter 2 . 4/10/2014
Plot: I really like this idea, and the way you've set it up isn't half bad either. I really think you should continue with it.
Characters: I like these guys. Both Christian and Adrik have distinct personalities and get funny moments here an there, and I wanna know more about them. I've read books where you don't know about the characters until deeper into the story, and I works really well here.
Dialogue: it fits te characters nicely, and it really shows. But I have kind do an issue here. It's that you tend to wait for te adverbs after the dialogue is spoken, and not blend it in nicely. I'd recommend finding a way to do that at moments.
Writing style: I think this is pretty good and it works well here. The pacing in this is consistent and concise, and it feels like it matches the tone decently. Though I wish you'd combine some of them a bit.
| faerie-gumdrops chapter 5 . 4/10/2014
Heeeee he he. There was SMUT in here, wasn't there? I SAW *massive perv*. MORE.
Really liked Brock in this, the big boundy flirty pup that he is. I like how he doesn't seem to give a damn about the office potential sexual harrassment. He doesn't even worry about whether Kieran likes him or not. He just knows. Cos he's Brock. And he's awesome.
Bahaha Kieran's reaction at the mess! And the poor sweet coffee maker. You'll be okay mr coffee *strokes*. Kieran would be welcome to come clean my flat any day :p. Also hee at the lingering presence of Adrik in this one - kieran not wearing the sexy blue shirt, him being right about brock trusting kir for saying he's his first... Totally wondering how many other things Adrik's right about (a la kir-bear's training? ) seeing he seems to have a knack for it!
I'm looking forward to seeing more of what brock actually does for a living, as well as what these mysterious artifacts are. Ooh and the mysterious words (nice world building with the aeterna kids and learning languages btw).
Squee THE KISS.
| alltheeagles chapter 12 . 4/9/2014
For the RG EF
Yay, we finally get an explanation about the Aeterna Children! I like. I like. The only thing that bothers me a little is how easily Adrik kidnapped Kieran from the bus stop without anyone even turning a hair. But then I suppose it’s quite probable given the way people nowadays don’t seem to care about others anymore. On top of this reveal, there’s a big reveal about why there’s a rebellion AND another big reveal about relocation? You know, as much as I like that you’ve revealing the grand plan in this chapter, I also feel that you could have saved one big reveal for another chapter. Yes, I know, you’ll get frustrated and feel like shaking me with a “First you whine about not understanding and now you say I’m giving too much away. Just WHAT do you want?” *hides under table* I’m looking at this in terms of pacing, and I think all this key information all at once might not be such a good idea cause if you’ve lost some readers to confusion by say, chapter 5, they’d never get to this point. And finally, I didn’t get how the last bit with Finian being a shifter fits into the rest of the chapter.
Typo: PROCEEDING not preceding
| faerie-gumdrops chapter 4 . 4/9/2014
Nice lot of build-up in this chapter with all the Brock hotness, and haha Kieran does seem to have a thing for slightly intimidating men, doesn’t he? This was my favourite line, I think ‘The man was intimidating as hell, and about twice as hot’ –pure love :D. All the stuff with Kieran and Brock and Kieran’s accent was cute as heck – I looove the Texan accent too (omigosh) so that helps :p.
Also, nice bit with Adrik. I like how you show his controlling side a little more in this one (mentioning that he used to wind Kieran up on purpose, and that he slapped Kieran for spitting). I think he’s right though – Kieran doesn’t seem to /hate/ him per se – actually, he seems quite good at tolerating him :p. I wonder if these guys will ever have that sexual sort of relationship again, or if Adrik’s screwed things up a little too much. Also, ooh, I wonder when Adrik *is* from. Nice touch on the whole writing letters things :p. Kieran’s such a modern little creature in comparison, huh?
And ooh, I like Tessa. She seems cool and spirited, and I like how she calls Adrik on maybe not wanting her to tell Kieran…whatever it is. It’s fun that Kieran’s doing all this stuff with Brock for her (and also because he has a crussssh, bless him). I wonder what Kieran will find out! Also, awesome job of showing how distracted Kir bear is by all of Brock’s pretty. Gotta keep your eyes on the prize, Kieran-boy!