|Reviews for Aeterna Children|
| Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 12 . 4/8/2014
I believe the phrase is "everytime a bell rings..." lol
why do I love Adrik? Ahhhh, he is just a fun character and reminds me of someone that's fun and laid back, yet he doesn't take crap from me.
I know that this is sort of off topic, but I found a song for Kieran and Adrik, and its Drunk Enough by Angels Fall
cannot wait for the next chapter
| CardMaster123 chapter 12 . 4/8/2014
The Review Game:
This is actually a good story. The characters are great because they all have distinct personalities and Kieran does sound like a cool name.
I disliked the usage of language and the (possible) adult content/relationships because it seems somewhat unlikely usable in a good story like this.
That's my opinion, but if this is your writing style, I respect that.
| cybersheep chapter 9 . 4/7/2014
review game depth 3/3
opening: oh noes, poor tessa :/ this was a really short past section compared to the others you horrendous tease. we finally get to hear an inkling of information on what happened to poor tessa and what do you do? you pull the blanket right from under us and leave us there to flounder! *mock distress* nice way to tug us in though. however it makes me wonder (yes i do wonder a lot) if tessa is a vampire...what exactly is kieran aiming to do?
writing/dialogue: i thought i would comment directly on this here. in terms of smoothness of writing and prose, this is in my opinion your best chapter. the introspection and the movement of action paired together very, very well. i didn't find myself stopping at any point for awkward sentences/phrasings or anything. so really, very well done here.
plot: i think there are a lot of plots occurring in this story at the same time and while it makes it wonderfully complicated it is also a bit distracting for the reader. um, the issue isn't so much that the characters each has their own plot, because that is fair, but like kieran has three different motivations at once so whenever we get back to him i have to reorient to figure out what i should be paying attention to? i guess what i'm trying to say (i REALLY NEED TO BE LESS LONG WINDED) is that maybe it can be made clearer what each character's primary motivation is so we can have that at the forefront of our brain and then have a lesser focus on the other things that they are doing? also kieran's mental leap from agent 474 to brock being agent 474 happened a little fast (or maybe i am just stupid o.o). like when he made the connection i was three steps behind? i would not even begin to presume your plot as i am but a reader, but i think it would have been interesting for that revelation to at least gone for another chapter so we could have the tension between kieran like suspecting brock but not being sure then falling more for him and coming to that realization and being at that crossroad where he realises he is potentially in another adrik situation?
that being said, i thought that that lil dream/unconscious/whatever it was scene after he fainted was so delightfully CREEPY. especially when contrasted with how brock actually was when he woke him up? easily my favorite scene in this chapter. Easily. also omg all that lovely nommy information about rushes and how he can feel brock's feelings and punching finian? that was really really cool - i
character/relationships: lalala brock/kieran loveliness *starry eyed*. oh the prettiness. though, why do i feel like this is not going to solve /any/ of their deep seated problems :(? um, i am curious about your plans for them though! they have gotten "together" relatively early in the story which says to me that this isn't about them getting together but about them staying together. which makes me think that there are things that are going to come about that try to do just that. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT PLANNED?
ending: that last line. *bites nails*
two chapters left! that is unacceptable. i demand more soon. like tomorrow. or you know...the day after. since you have a life and such. also i tend to go on and on but if this seemed like it had a lot of crit, it wasn't intended! this was well written chapter ! can't wait to see more!
| cybersheep chapter 8 . 4/7/2014
review game depth 2/3
opening: mmm, so i both like and don't like this beginning. the reason i like it is because we get a connection to the very first past scene we saw in the first chapter. i was surprised to see how much kieran's relationship with his father, a man he had once adored, had fallen apart. it makes me wonder more about my earlier theory of kieran where he bounces back and forth between people who can be his knight protector. first his father until he (theoretically) disappointed him, then adrik until whatever it is that happened between them and now brock. so i really liked the beginning for the relationships it explored and also for letting us into more of the traumatic life that lil kieran (well not so little) has had. at the same time, i don't like it because brock more or less summarizes it in his first thoughts after the past sequence when he talks about liking to see kieran cry. In terms of pure prose i think it would be something of a brilliant magic trick to have adrik's thoughts that seem masochistic juxtaposed a highly paraphrased version of what happened that night happening in real time - like deep musing. right now it seems as if we have the same story being semi-retold.
character/relationships: i would really like to see a chapter from christian's perspective. he does things that seem so superfluous on the surface and then at the same time he has these hidden depths to him that make you question everything you know about him. i really do want to know what he thinks of the relationship he's in. and why adrik feels the need to test his feelings on every man that he "sees". it makes me wonder if they've never actually hammered out the details of their relationship and are just sort of floating? also adrik sounds like he is in a fantastic amount of denial. it is one thing for the rumors to claim something about your character but it is another for you to embrace it as your character. whatever adrik is running from it goes down to his bones i think - maybe a remnant from his first life? in other news there is someone who creeps me out more than adrik - hello polo. for whatever reason the entire time i was reading him talking i wanted to wash my skin in ammonia...
plot: um, okay i am going to be honest, but i wasn't at all aware until this chapter that the mystery in this story had to do with the minister. i am not necessarily sure that is a bad thing since i have been enjoying myself getting to know each other? i do get now that there is a rebellion going on and that the minister is going to be at the center of it, and i am very curious to know how that is going to mesh with what kieran is doing. i also found it cool that a lot of questions i had about the aeterna's children are beginning to be answered this chapter and even more interestingly it seems as if the characters themselves are not 100 percent sure about what they are and where they come from so in a way this is a joint journey of self discovery!
writing/dialogue: um, this chapter succumbed a bit to the fault of a little too much info dumping. at some points it felt like adrik was explaiining things that had happened off-screen but i hadn't seen so i was sitting there a little confused as to what he was talking about? this isn't obviously something that needs to be fixed now but it smooths the prose a lot if the action and the introspection are more in line with each other. i do give kudos on being able to work so much character thought into third person onicient - it was always one of the hardest thing for me. to separate the character's voice from the narrator!
ending: lovelovelovelovelove chrisitan and his bubbles! the punishment idea of having adrik drive him to the garage sale! it was just the right amount of domestic bliss amusement that makes you really believe in their relationship and shows you why these two would be together at all when they could evidently have more than they do!
| cybersheep chapter 7 . 4/7/2014
review game depth review 1/3
i wrote up this giant review this morning while i was being bored to death in class and my stupid phone ate it. i'm going to try and recreate it :(
opening: i really liked the past section this chapter because while we have a notion in our heads that brock can actually by tremendously badass, it is another to see it in action! i thought the idea of threatenning someone with divorce was novel and strange (well enough for me to keep reading!). mainly i was curious as to why it would be to brock to decide whether or not a woman's papers got served! also, her reaction was really interesting too - basically, if i had been told someone /wanted/ to divorce me at all this would be the branch that killed me and yet she is fighting for someone who would likely divorce her...unless whatever it is has to do with her? i.e. if the man finds something x he will divorce her? THE THEORIES.
character/relationships: chloe was absolutely awesome as usual. i love that she is so quick-witted and on top of things without appearing like she is flirting with brock. it really does seem like a true friendship and i hope that the accusation that she has a crush on him was really just that - an accusation. LOVE the idea of sueing brock as a form of a retirement plan. i also thought that it was ingenious bringing up how obviously chloe doesn't trust kieran and how kieran has noticed it. it's a great set up for future conflict both between chloe and kieran and brock and kieran. i feel as if in highlighting that conflict this chapter you're already starting to show how deep brock's feelings are starting to run and the trouble his libido is going to get him into.
writing/dialogue: i couldn't find anything truly offensive this chapter *thinks*. um, there was an exchange that was particularly choice but i've forgotten it now. *scrolls up* oh yes, the god puns this chapter were hillarious! it's a device that is so easy to accidentally use tritely but i really liked it here. there was a weird dialogue thing though with kieran? right after brock tries to kiss him the first time and kieran doesn't do anything he continues talking about the storage facility as if nothing had happened. like he literally does not react at all - it felt a bit like there had been something written there and it had been deleted? i think a smoother transition in that scene would be nice. also, brock speaks about "getting" kisses from kieran as if it is something that he has to wait for, but from what it seems this chapter brock just takes the kisses whenever he wants them so i was a bit confused when he was rejoicing about a privallege i thought he already had? like...it doesn't seem as if he's all too worried about permission, and while kieran isn't altogether reacting to the kiss he isn't rejecting it either so...why does it seem so surprising to him?
plot: so i have a violent (almost pathological) disdain for vampire stories (spike from buffy was my lover but since then hollywood and the written world has done nothing but disappoint) - that being said, you've actually done something tremendously cool with your vampires what with introducing them as a sort of a hive mind like bees. In a sense it dehumanises them and makes them more like a mythical creature with its own way of thinking instead of a trumped up sex symbol and i find myself much more curious about their doings and thinkings and feelings. for example, what the eff do they have to do with what happened in houston? so as for your question, i think they were well introduced especially what with bringing them in as an aside to the artifact. the reason that this makes it so smooth is because it makes kieran's presence in brock's establishment not seem spurious - he's here for artifacts and what are they looking at? artifacts. the vampires then become a natural sequway so i bravo on that. also im never disappointed when i get to learn more about the aeterna children! the only thing that i think i would caution or that i guess i'm having some issues with is - i don't understand how they fit in the world or why? like...what the point of them is. are they a random genetic mutatin? or a will of the gods? or a secret order? and how is the fbi of all things being able to track them down - like in our world where do they fit in? for now they feel a bit like alien's who've invaded the planet and yet they speak as if they are as much at home on earth as i am so it makes me wonder. i guess this is a longwinded way of saying, i'd like to see more of the aeterna society with respect to human society and how that engagement happens (apart from torture). and if there is no engagement where do they live? how do they live? etcetc. i want to know about them outside this other mystery that kieran is trying to solve :D!
ending: i like where this chapter ended - not too long and not too short with just enough information to keep the reader interested
| Ventracere chapter 6 . 4/7/2014
"To anyone who didn't know him Liam looked like a 12 year old boy" - This is a little repetitive. You mention it in the beginning of the chapter when you first introduce Aria as she is about to meet with Liam. Is this going to be a running characteristic - ahaha. It's rather interesting. A few of your characters already have that description, and is it going to be a thing among the leaders of the group? First Lily (I think that is the person I'm going for) and now Liam. Is it to show a few parallels between the two Aeterna Children?
"I'm aloud to eat hot wings in bed" - aloud should be allowed
It took me a little while to remember who Christian was, but at face value to me all he is is just a man that Adrik enjoys getting intimate with. However, I'm starting to think that Adrik is more important than Kieran at the moment. He is by far, the most prominent character that is going around in the story, and he seems to be in every chapter. Although this chapter was mostly past instead of present, we don't get much "old" character development. Aria on the other hand, I thought it was a good idea to see the past and present. Before she seemed to thing that everyone is against her, and how she seems to be much more comfortable. My question is what got her to change her mind? Time? Well, beyond time.
| alltheeagles chapter 11 . 4/6/2014
For the RG EF
I like how you continue to roll out the surprises. Aria actually has a love-hate relationship with her husband, is attracted to women and is only nineteen. Only the second of these has kind of been suggested. I thought she was dotty over Iden and an Aeterna Child too - aren't all of them like, OLD? Unless she isn't in her second life yet... what difference does it make anyway, to an Aeterna Child whether they've died before? Does it increase their power? Do they come back to life on their own, or does someone have to go raise them? Second comment: is 'relocation' code for something nasty, like, oh, being killed? Otherwise why is Aria so upset over Sarah being relocated? There's something called the phone, and the Internet, and letters... And why are they rebelling anyway? Against Iden personally, or against the whole Aeterna government in general? I'm a little fuzzy over this, and I don't like being fuzzy. Unless my name is Fuzzy Wuzzy and I were a bear.
| Ventracere chapter 5 . 4/6/2014
I actually think that not having a past section makes things a little easier to get into. Jumping right into the piece doesn't take away from the chapter, and in fact it gives us a little less to worry about. :D Pacing wise, this one moved faster than the previous. I feel like when you go into portions about Kieran I pay more attention to, not only because he is the main character, but because there is less musing and less detractors around the scene and there is a little more focus. I'm losing my grip on the characters a little bit here and there because there are so many people to keep track of, and I'm not exactly sure who to keep my eyes on and remember who is going to one to watch just in case they are going to be crucial later on. This may also be because there isn't too much to make the smaller, more minor characters stand out. However, this is only early in the beginning (i do the same thing too hahaha), so I'm sure the characters will become more defined later on.
Now, in terms of the relationship between Brock and Kieran - Kieran has no idea how right he is when he says Brock is a god, I think this is dramatic irony? hahah. I enjoyed that little inclusion. I do feel bad for Chloe though and Kieran. He has a clear objective: save and get to his sister, but Brock is going to end up detracting him. I can't tell whether or not Brock is a good guy or a bad guy, or one that just doesn't have a clear definition of either. Chloe on the other hand, although she isn't a major character, I feel like she is going to be a person that Kieran can rely on. She is definitely less surrounded by an aura than Brock.
| Ventracere chapter 4 . 4/6/2014
For starters, Adrik in the past is a lot more assertive. I think I'm thinking of the right character, but now we have to balance yet another person in the mix. I do like how you go back into focusing on Kieran though and work on his development as a spy-agent type of guy. Tessa though, she's a firepower that I want to see later. At first she comes across as a little pushy, a little "ugh, why?" but, it's understandable. There's a little thing in the back of my mind though; it feels like she is going to be used as a pawn. Now that Kieran knows about her, what is to stop them from using her to make sure he does what they ask? Then again, the way you've been writing this makes it seem that that's the last thing that is going to happen, after all, Adrik cares about Kieran's well-being, even if Kieran rebuffs his advances later on in the future.
Well, that is going to hurt Adrik won't it? The fact that Kieran is enraptured by Brock makes me cringe a little. Not because Brock is older, but rather Brock is a god - one without his powers - but he is still a god. As far as it seems, Brock seems to be pretty "safe", so to speak, but gods, even those without his powers can be dangerous. The interactions between the two make it seem like Brock is playing with Kieran, and Kieran is almost unaware. The way he forgets about his sister for a moment and needs to refocus himself speaks loudly. However, would it be better that he stays with Adrik or Brock, I don't know. Either way, these intersecting love triangles are going to be an interesting thing to keep up with.
| Ventracere chapter 3 . 4/6/2014
Throwing gods into the mix is certainly a doozy. It makes things a little complicated, and it also brings into the mix a few more characters to keep straight. You don't have a problem with that just yet, since you mainly focus on individual characters per chapter. However, in doing so, I am wondering what happened to Kieran. Actually, never mind, you get into him a little later. It's not much about him, but I'm wondering how each of these characters are going to come together. Brock, yes, he does hire Kieran, but what is his job in the bigger picture. It seemed a little like he was going to be the one standing in Kieran's way, but you mention that he does like Kieran, and it isn't just out of Chloe's pressure to hire the boy.
Of what we did learn about Kieran in this chapter, I like how he is persistent. He knows what he wants and he is going to dog Brock in order to get what he needs. This is definitely going to be important in the later chapters when the true conflict comes into play.
On the last portion of the chapter, this scene has got to be my favorite. In contrast to the beginning of the story, it ends lighthearted. Brock has a little problem in his house (ghosty one) and it's amusing at the very least. It is kind of like a roommate type of situation, and I like how he needs to learn the boundaries - or he knows them, but he's only human (for now at least). It gives us food for thought. Kiki reminds me a little bit of Lily, and I kind of want to draw parallels between them; it's good food for thought.
| m. b. whitlock chapter 2 . 4/5/2014
RG EF #4914
Interesting plot developments are brewing in this chapter. I am curious to find out more about Brock Lander. Adrik seems to be a bit clueless as to how he comes off to Kieran, but he seems a little more aware of himself with Lily and Christian. He is a curious character. I really hope some day Kieran will be free of Adrik's harassment.
Here are some notes:
"Adrik took a moment to admire his charges beauty." should be 'charge's' beauty' :)
"Adrik rubbed his eyes to push away the tears that threaten to fall at his charge's brutal rejection." 'that threatened to fall'.
I would cut this comma:
"He loved Kieran so much, and everything he'd ever done*,* had been for the boy." It doesn;t quite make sense to me to have a pause there.
missing 'it was' "Iden Miller, of course. "
confused a little by this:
"Adrik had thought Kieran gone for nearly three minutes before Iden finally assured him that Kieran was fine. "
I think this sounds a bit awkward:
""Oh, he still hates me. At least, he's accepted the car and apartment," Adrik replied." I think you might want to develop a smoother transition to the present, like saying something along the lines of, 'back to the conversation'.
this is funny:
"The man needed to attract Brock Lander not the whole gay community, or a pimp." Like it. :)
Very intriguing stuff.
| cybersheep chapter 6 . 4/5/2014
i'm wicked behind and i am so sorry. we just got slammed with exams and i've only just actually woken up from a redbull crash. eek. but on to your story
aeterna's children chapter 6...bahaha, okay, okay that was mean. i'll stop. we all make mistakes after alllll.
Opening/Ending: so i could have sworn I read this chapter before, but when i read it again it was longer? in all honesty, i would personally rather that christian's stuff be in a whole other chapter (although i do understand why it is here since it is not enough to be alone). it's just that aria was so fascinating and interesting on her own that i wanted to leave off the chapter thinking of nothing but her and the intriguingness that is her story. so that is the only advice i have, though it isn't much advice as i recognise the problem of having information that needs to be in a story and it not being enough to be its own chapter :(.
THAT aside, loved the imagery of the beginning to this chapter - thought it was absolutely marvelous to get to meet this aria girl who i had only seen passing mentions of. as far as the ending goes, i adore the way the aria story ends because it really brings in such a powerful point about choice and eternity that i think this story is going to expound on in a great way and i can't wait to see it. i think that having a child that might die could possibly drive iden to distraction and i hope he doesnt do anything stupid because of it. um i really felt bad for christian in the beginning of his story. he seemed like such a great guy and to have a person you consider a friend "betray" you that just...gosh it's got to hurt. the ending for that section was hawt ;). i don't know very much about polygamy (at least not relationships that work) so this entire thing here is sort of like a learning experience. i do hope adrik doesnt end up hurting christian's feels too much (yes...everything is still adrik's fault XP)
Characters/Relationships: i can totally see why you love aria. she's my favorite character, too and that is hard considering that brock is so...brock. but i love how confident this girl is! i cracked up when she went off to go and find one of these special children herself and just ends up getting the minister *dies*. i also recognise the humor in the fact that she "caught" the minister later on as his wife muahah! oh how irony makes fools of us all ! i also am intrigued by why all these higher ups are stuck as children! i thought the description of liam was well done because it brought to the surface how he could look so young and yet be respected anyway (unlike lily who just dragoons people into doing her bidding). also i love everything he says. he sounds so wise and cool and tenth doctor-y. i wanted to save all the things he said because they all felt earth shattering and yet...they are still like normal talk. (i.e stuff like..."this isnt a punishment, its a privalege") EEK. christian, i just feel bad for - it feels like he spent his whole first life waiting around and he's about to spend his whole second life doing the same. adrik is as adrik does. i'm still waiting for you to make me fall desperately in love with this critter as you keep threatenning to do :p
Favorite scene: So i'm switching out one of the categories to talk about SCENAGE. OMG. So my fave scenes were everything with Aria in it, but i died at the whole pregnancy bit. Omg the thing about using every wives tale to get the baby out faster and the water breaking and eating hot wings! LOVE IT. the dialogue was smooth and the character transitions believable. i really REALLY flt myself in that scene. i also love the part after it describing how the baby was normal like what? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. also i wonder how you can be a mother to a normal child. wouldn't you watch all your children die? like wouldn't that just break your heart? i dont know if i could take that risk :(
Plot: EEK. So i picked up another clue, aparently it is in the second life that these children stop getting old/changing. but how do they choose what age to be in their second life? or am i understanding all of this wrongly? also initially i thought iden was just letting christian pass out for something terrible he had to do but now i think he killed him. IS THAT HOW IT HAPPENS. omg...do you get stuck in second life at whatever age you died at? was this a weirdly bizare form of doctor or rather iden assisted suicide/homicide? INTRIGUING. i LOVE all these things we're getting to know about these children. and also how the gods are going to play into it - because they have to. i can't see zeuss seeing people with power that isn't his and just sitting around and letting it happen!
so all in all, enjoyed meeting aria! and i welcome her baby to the story! i thought i would be confused with the constant jumping about in time and space but i think the voice of the narrator shifted just enough for me to keep up with it? i would do a bit of caution on that just so people don't get lost between past/present and people
tra la la! ill try to get a few more reviews in this week! lovely!
| Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 11 . 4/5/2014
Adrik showed her *snaps fingers as if to say girl please* haha,
| faerie-gumdrops chapter 3 . 4/3/2014
Oh hi Mr Brock man!
Okay, so what I really like about this story is that you just throw so many random, fun things about. Like this Greek Gods thing coming from nowhere – it was a lovely little addition to the cuddly madness. Also, loving that Brock shares his house with a ghost – you’ve got such a whacky cast going on at the moment that I’m really drawn in. Can’t wait to see how everyone interacts with each other. And eee, all this history going on – Brock’s a granddaddy, bless him :D. It was a fun twist; I think you use the not aging thing very well. Goshh, so I wonder how old Brock actually /is/. He seems a playful sort of sort, who enjoys a bit of, um, fun. Like going after Europa and causing a sandstorm. YOUNG LOVE, BLESS.
Hehe, gotta love stalker Kieran too. I like how Brock’s kind of too smart for Kieran’s act (or maybe Kieran’s smarter, and it’s like…lies upon lies upon lies) but he’s actually sort of into it. Well Kir-bear is a beautiful red-haired boy, after all, and really, who can resist? *sigh*
And poor Brocky, being made to live down here with us mere mortals. He seems to have integrated really well (I guess he has been here many many years!). It would be nice to see more of his oldness in future (only because being like a bazillion years old has got to affect your brain in some awkward/funny ways), so I look forward to reading more :D. Chloe’s cool too – there is nothing wrong with being serious a lot of the time. Myself, I usually walk around with a face like a slapped arse.
Also Tabbyyyyy. I like her. More Tabby in future chappies? YES? Good :D.
| Ventracere chapter 2 . 4/3/2014
Solid start. Is this going to be a thing, opening up with the past and flipping us back into the present? I have to say, this time it was much more prominent - or at least to me - than the first when it comes to how it applies to the rest of the chapter. For some reason, I'm not feeling too bad for Adrik. I want him to be happy, but I still think this suits him better. It's a little sad that he is going to be pining for those he can't have, but at the same time, he is preoccupied by the Frenchman. The only thing that bothers me a little bit about his character is how easily he is able to bend into Christian and mold the man into him. In a sense, it feels like Adrik is using Christian? Maybe? No? I don't know. But the fact that he says "he doesn't have room" to love another man, but here he is. Maybe you're going for how easily Adrik gives his heart away.
As a whole, this chapter felt like it moved faster than the previous. It doesn't focus on Kieran, but I think it does a good job to continue to open up the rest of the "world" or action that surrounds Kieran. I'm curious as to how these romantic twists are going to factor in. They seem to be a bit messy right now - but in a good way. How is this going to move Adrik and his actions toward Kieran, or how is Kieran going to react later on? With relief? For all that he is rebuffing Adrik, there is bound to be some repercussions.