Reviews for Aeterna Children
faerie-gumdrops chapter 2 . 4/3/2014
It’s interesting to see these guys at the start here – man has the dynamic changed now. Relationships seemed to be key in this chapter, which was obviously lovely (because um I could perve over pretty boys kissing for maybe an eternity, but also because I looove seeing characters interact – seeing what makes them click etc.). Also, much fun to see Adrik from his own PoV – he seems a lot more considerate in this one, which obviously makes total sense as he seems to completely believe he did everything he did for Kieran’s own good, and *shrug* maybe he did.

I like all the stuff with Christian – all the little hints at his ‘last life’. Um. How he is FRENCH. The way he doesn’t like PDA’s but is still sort of cheeky and flirty with Adrik – he’s very cute :D. Ohhh, nothing quite like a cute little cheeky French dude, right? Also, looking forward to meeting this Iden guy – I wonder if Adrik has a type (these young pretties) or if Iden will be like compleeeetely different. WHO KNOWS :D.

Adrik took a moment to admire his [charge’s] beauty’ – apostrophe typo.

You totally need to describe how Kieran looks like a cheap whore. Just sayin’ ;). OKAY maybe not all of your readers are as pervy as me, but it could be comedy gold :D

RAWR. I wonder how Kieran got on with Mr Brock Lander – and why Brock’s responsible for Iden and Adrik not being together. GAH! SO MUCH MYSTERY. And SO MUCH DRAMA :D :D :D. I love how you’ve got all these unconventional relationships going on, it’s very nommy.

Hopefully I'll get time to do some outside the RG reviews on le weekend :D
lookingwest chapter 8 . 4/3/2014
No I thought this chapter had a much more sympathetic air with Adrick and I think it's clearly coming across that he isn't perhaps as cruel as he was in say, the 2nd chapter of this story with Kieran. I liked specifically the moment when Adrick held back at the end of the second section from saying anything to Christian about him not wanting to have sex later that night - and then Adrick just holds his tongue and kisses him on the forehead or whatever. I liked that because I think it clearly shows restraint in his character and a type of kindness, in a way, that he knows when to rock the boat and when not to.

I also thought that yes, the Minister section of this chapter was quite clear, though maybe not necessarily that there's a "mystery", but I more so latched on to this classic sort of Magneto X-men idea of the Supes overthrowing the human government or wanting to be the dominate cultural species or something. I'm a little iffy yet again on your Past scene, though - is the thematic connection this go-around supposed to be this idea of "what they are" that Kieran struggles with in the opening, and then what's sort of discussed with Polo theme-wise? I suppose I can see that connection. I will say though, even though you introduce yet another character (Polo) to your cast - I thought this chapter was much easier to follow than some of the others with your scene switching because it kept completely focused on Adrick (one character) instead of switching around perspectives or subjects, and I liked that too. I'd honestly say this is one of your better chapters, so well done! :)
Ventracere chapter 1 . 4/3/2014
Your opening is a little iffy. It’s not exactly strong in the sense of “mindblowing,” but it does get the job done. You introduce your main character and give us a little bit on his background - and a little on what difference there is between the real world and the one that you’re creating. Interesting take by the way, some have 6 senses, and others don’t. Is that going to be a problem for Kieran later on? In terms of the beginning as a whole, I understand the purpose, but I feel like it’s a little lacking. I’m not exactly sure where, but it seems so cut and dry until you introduce the mysterious man when Kieran gets lost. Perhaps that is because you’re focusing on Kieran as a child and it really is just an intro - I just feel like there’s little depth.
“for the last two he knew he was being watched.” This sentence reads a little funny. The first portion, “for the last two” doesn’t exactly match up with “he knew he was being watched.” Are they watching Kieran or is Kieran going off on another tangent? Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong…
For all Lily is old, she is a child - interesting thing that you noted there. Funny how she seems to be the head of the group, though she must be more levelheaded and less childish than you let on here if she is heading on the group. She’s a character that comes on a little strong - not a bad thing - but I feel as if a lot of her flaws are highlighted, so I’m looking forward to seeing what kind of dimension she’s going to take in later on.
Adrik - hmm. He’s- hmm. For all that he is a little pushy, I think he is a likeable character. He’s fearful, and he is willing to do what he needs to get what he wants. Fact is, he knows that his methods are “unconventional.” Mentor/shadow figure maybe? You set him up a little bit as a creeper, and Kieran just barely tolerates him, and I’m assuming he’s going to be important later on. Again, another character to watch later on.
Good job!
Cerucci chapter 10 . 4/2/2014
I really love this story. It makes it much easier to edit when im in love with the story. I cant wait fot the next chapter, now that I have caught up with the story, I can go back and edit the first four chapters you gave me.
deadaccount2019 chapter 4 . 4/2/2014
.Something that caught my eye was character description. I thought it was weird to simply focus on very non-descrip things like hair to say that Keiran and Tessa look alike. People can have the same coloring features but still look completely different because of weight, facial structure, blemishes/scars/imperfections, etc. I thought it would have been better to focus on something like brow shape or nose height to boost interest. nothing embellished or glamorized, but a brief thought in passing.

I'm glad to see that Adrick is consistent in his obsession, but some red flags started going up on Kieran's side of things. Kieran previously chewed Adrick out for abusing him and has been clear from the start he wants nothing to do with Adrick, but when he's doing relatively little to get Adrick out of his personal space and especially letting it slide when Adrick gets handsy, it feels very much like a setup for glamorizing unhealthy relationships, which makes me very apprehensive of the relationship element of the story.
lookingwest chapter 7 . 4/2/2014
So last time I reviewed this story you sort of responded that introducing Christian, Aria, Etienne, Sarah, Liam, Iden, and Donald all in one chapter (the last one) is the same as me having 5 POV characters in HTD, one per chapter. Okay, fair enough. But I gotta say - when I saw Judith (another character) being introduced in your opening to this chapter, I just have to disagree with you. I think you're overwhelming your reader (even if this wasn't online). And I sensed you're getting very frustrated with your feedback... I'm thinking one of these reasons for confusion might be that you're switching from the past and present mid-chapter, sometimes multiple times. So not only do we as readers have to figure out what characters are important enough to commit to memory (apparently not Donald or Liam from the last chapter since they're not coming back for a really long time), but we also have to figure out who is having an affair with who, who is flirting with who, who likes who - and finally - what time period all of this is taking place in (plus oh, you're changing narrative perspectives on us sometimes mid-chapter too!). The time thing shakes stuff up - in other words: you're expecting a lot from us and it's only Ch. 7.

Solutions might include actually taking a scene like your opening and expanding it into a *full* chapter. Giving us background. I feel like I've been told who the head of the Austin branch is more than once, but I feel like that's because we're jumping in time - one moment it's someone like Liam, the next it's Judith. Unless Liam was in charge of another branch - in which case, now you're also expecting us to know more than one *setting/place* too, in a different *time*. I don't know, trying to juggle your timing of everything gets confusing to me too since you're not providing us with *dates* including years - you're just saying "Past" - maybe you want to include the years. I mean, I'm assuming you have a timeline with years and everything to prevent continuity errors.. Show us, share it with us! Let us know some dates, haha.

Anyway, like I said. You could also take your whole first section and make it a full chapter by expanding it through giving us more context to this argument, more context to the conflict of Judith shooting the gun. You could develop that tiny scene into a bigger one by using things like description, exposition - so much more, to give it a richer flavor and commit it to our memories. Now. If your'e thinking: "but this scene isn't important enough to warrant a full chapter!" Then question: does it need to even be here at all? If you can't develop these kind of smaller moments into larger scenes, then what are they actually contributing? Could these events just be summarized in a few lines of expositional dialogue once Brock explains his past "okay we had a run in! She shot at me!" Could we have done without Donald and Liam as being *named* characters in the last chapter? That sort of thing. In other words, to quote William Faulkner: "Kill your darlings." It sucks, but it might be necessary. And I really don't want to cause too much offense, I'm really trying to help out here - I sensed some frustration in your response and I'm wondering that if you're getting the same sort of reactions from your readers, you might need to actually consider doing some revision on your devices (once you're finished with the first draft) - the way you're going about telling this story (and trying to maybe give ONE chapter to "Past" then the NEXT chapter to "Present" might alleviate that a little bit - or giving dates, for instance.)

So making the connection between your Past / Present, though - so the rock that Brock has in the opening is the Truth tablet in the present? He used it to blackmail Judith to make all supernatural things "gone" from Austin when she reports to her husband (are we supposed to know who her husband is, cos I do not know, haha) which is why Austin is relatively safe right now, because her husband thinks all is well and there are no supes around? Alright. So I like that there is a connection between these two sections, that's nice at least, but hopefully I'm in the ballpark with what it might mean and aren't just causing you more frustration. Maybe the rock isn't the tablet. I guess there's no explicit connection in the Past but it's pretty weird if you're introducing a rock in one space and then a stone tablet in the other - makes me want to connect the two.

Annyyyway I found the Present scene, per usual, much more clear to understand this go around. Setting-wise, I like that you continue to use the setting as means for Kieran to respond and banter with Brock about the unkept-ness of things. Especially with the storage unit later on. I sort of wish there had been more description regarding the storage unit - like were they outside or inside, for starters? And how big was it? And what were some of the items in it? Like what does Brock see when he looks at it if Kieran sees it disgusting and dirty? It would almost be funny if Brock was almost proud of it - but like I said, I'd love a little more clarity on why this matters, especially if others in Brock's office were telling him not to show Kieran.

Relationships, yeah, I think you're clearly developing a lot of characters off of Brock. Again, I honestly (being really honest here) do not even remember ever being introduced to Finian. But I remember Maria because of her description. And I of course remember Chloe. I thought you developed Brock's relationship with Chloe and Kieran the most this chapter, which is fitting because they both feel more like mains than Maria and Finian. The banter with Chloe and the sexual harassment then - hmmm, well now I'm sort of feeling like we're making this same joke *too many* times. It seems like now everyone when Brock makes a sex joke thinks about sexual harassment charges - and after an entire chapter of Kieran counting them up, the device for me fell a little flat as a joke again since it's using the same exact frame joke that's already been used a couple of times. But if you're not concerned with it really being funny and more serious, then it might not actually matter. Just depends. But anyway, the bit with Kieran and Brock though, there was again, some nice flirting going on that leads up to the end kiss quite nicely. I'd like to perhaps linger there a bit longer, but then it is the end of the chapter so it might be hard to do. I'll just look for more in the next, haha!

So the Vampire introduction - they must be important if they're connected with Kieran's past and the fire. I thought you integrated them just fine. Though it would've been kind of nice to also have been shown the information through this group actually having to *deal* with a Vampire. So far in this story I'm sort of not seeing a huge focus on er, action and suspense regarding the Supernatural realms. It just seems like a lot of office work and talking to people... but at the same time, I suppose that also has its charm because somebody's gotta stay behind the scenes in everything! But yes - I thought your introduction of the Vampires was very clear so that was all good. I also made the connection between them and the Past which is another good thing. I'm just wondering where this will go now - but I think that's good too, keeps the mystery levels rising!

Overall - I apologize if I frustrate you in any way with this review. I'm genuinely trying to help, and I'm not maliciously trying to upset you with trying to work out my confusions when it comes to some of the writing (like the Judith Past scene here and the Truth tablet / rock connection), but I apologize if my attempts do. I'm always of the camp that if I get two or three reviewers saying the exact same thing or coming to the exact same conclusions with a chapter, and that's not my original intention, that obviously something isn't matching right and I need to go in and try to revise it. But that's more like how I was trained in my Workshopping courses and I know it doesn't work for everyone. I hope you can find something useful out of all this! Anyway, thank you for the read, and I do look forward to more :)
alltheeagles chapter 10 . 4/2/2014
For the RG EF

I like how you’ve managed to capture that odd mixture of childlike reasoning and snide grown-upness that a twelve year has, the former expressed in the fear of falling into a toilet with its seat left up and the latter in the ‘are you knocked up’ remark. The wondering about an absent father and her lack of curves are also very typical twelve year old thoughts. My second comment is on how casually Sarah and Lucy talk about overturning the government over their phones. I thought at first it was a joke because surely nobody would openly discuss terrorism in this day and age? Phones are so easily bugged, and walls have ears. But they didn’t seem to be joking, so that makes this scene a little hard to accept.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 10 . 4/1/2014
I'll have to come back and re-read this chapter - read this in a frantic rush because I'm heading to the gym soon D: I really liked the opening scene, I must say, because you captured Sarah's emotions and misgivings regarding her mother's remarriage quite well. I especially liked her mother asking her for her blessing, because that was touching, and I do like that she relented in the end.

Ohhh, I loved the Judy Blume reference, because I grew up with that book, and remember going through the same thing as a teenager XD. So it was fun to read that in the opening?

Hmm, the other scene – I liked what it revealed, plot-wise? I think it presents a very embittered view of marriage, and it kind of pains me to see that Aria is a lesbian who only married for wealth (and not happiness). The hint that she looked at her midwife and nanny rather than the minister made me sad. I also loved your ending line - just very pretty and kind of striking.

Sorry, I'm just in a rush D:
Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 10 . 3/31/2014
I just love Adrik's personality. "I am not a lapdog." sand a lesbian or bi? I'm confused about that.

YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY CHARACTERS! - what's difficult is remembering who the main character is lol I tell myself that all the time
Jitterbug Blues chapter 9 . 3/31/2014
I'm not really confused, I just wonder how Kieran went from snopping around Brock's office to being in his bedroom? I assume, he passed out and someone brought him there, right? And during that instance, he had that 'bad' dream? XD. I don’t think this scene was rushed though; I think you did it intentionally – aka left the whole thing blank on purpose, but a bit more clarification would be nice? :3 Though I’m expecting answers in the next chapter. It’s just that I guess you could clarify those things a bit more, so that future readers won’t get lost? (but that’s only if you like).

So yeah, I really liked how you described Brock and Kieran’s developing relationship; it’s cute to see how Kieran is so much into Brock, and how much he feels his emotions. That was a lot of fun to read!

I did like the whole plot developments with the Parker file, especially Kieran’s reactions (and I guess he passed out from the shock and horror of what he discovered?). I really liked how you dealt with his disgust and fear in the bad dream scene, not only because it showcased how he’s still not over his past abusive relationship with Adrik, but how he fears getting hurt again, poor dear.

I’m not disappointed that you skimmed over the love scene, but I do think you could have added more detail there. It’s just that, after all the teasing and kissing, it would have been nice to get just a bit more insight into how the sex was etc. Nothing explicit, but just a bit more detail? It’s just a little rushed otherwise?

(But I loved how you built up to the love scene, anyhow.)
Ready-To-Begin chapter 2 . 3/30/2014
Hmmm... This chapter is so back ground on Adrik. I did have some thoughts about that character. Some past relationship theories, abuse theories, sadist theories. I hope that all of these will be answered now. It's been a while so I don't remember, but I'm guessing there is a large age difference or mental difference between Adrik and the main character. This chapter almost makes him seem not that bad, very obsessed though. I like the bits of indirect characterization of Kieran.
That next part about Christian and Kieran seeming like a whore broke that who 'not a bad guy' vibe. I always like it when a character is redeemed for some reason or another, guess it's not to be here. That's not a bad thing though. That Christian character is something interesting. I wonder what he has to do with anything. How come he isn't jealous of Adrik's obsession, mabe Adrik just imagines that everyone loves him here... Trucks are nice.
All these new characters, so interesting. Honestly wouldn't be surprised if Kieran went and fell in love with Lander. As messed up as it is, I want him with Adrik I think I have a problem developing here. I wonder if the throwing into the river is something like a ceremony or vile thing the organization does. I have so many questions about this story, it's great writing though. The scenes and dialog are great. Good read so far.
Whirlymerle chapter 7 . 3/28/2014
I would have liked a bit more description of the rock than “highly enchanted.” Should I be picturing a normal rock or is it something special? How big is it? How much does it weigh?

Also, it seems like you’re going to have a large cast of characters (Maria, Chloe, Finian comes to mind). I can keep track of them so far, but I wonder if they’re all going to absolutely critical, and if a few of some of the minor characters could double up in roles. Your artistic license, of course, but sometimes I feel like too many extraneous characters could detract attention from the important ones.

[I'm serious you think I'm not documenting all these counts of sexual harassment] I think, there should be a natural pause after “serious,” so consider putting a comma or period there. Great line, about the retirement plan, by the way! :D

[I value our lives to much] “too”

I’d be interested in seeing how you do vampires. :) Since we’ve only been introduced to their existence, I’d say so far so good!

Also, I’m really glad that Brock didn’t let Kieran spend time in the files room alone. That would’ve been too easy! I like the dramatic irony- how readers know why Kieran is desperate whereas to Brock, it probably seems like Kieran has a mild case of OCD or something.

Nice chapter!
faerie-gumdrops chapter 1 . 3/28/2014

I love all the complicated relationships and history you’ve got going on. Adrik is definitely one to watch out for – the way he’s so forceful and the history he clearly shares with Kieran. He…doesn’t sound like the nicest guy in the world, locking Kieran in a basement and all that jazz, but it’s interesting because he seems to genuinely believe that it was for Kieran’s own good, given that little ‘Kir bear’ survived whatever that incident has been that killed his sister (the mysteries)!

Lily was very fun! I love how she’s such an unconventional ‘boss’ character, and how the childish and adult aspects of her nature are in such apparent conflict with eachother (she seems annoyed at Kieran attempting to bribe her with candy, but takes it anyway :p). I love the flightiness of her character – changing her name all the time. You’ve got to wonder how living 100 years as a child would screw a person up :p.

These aeterna children seem really interesting – particularly as Kieran has been avoiding them lately. I wonder what the whole immortality dealio is all about – how it works and why. And can all of the aeterna children die multiple times? I wonder how successful Kieran will be finding the mysterious Parker file, and what exactly happened to Joy during her time with the Austin branch.

CCwise, I just have a couple of minor lil things. I think ‘Dad’ doesn’t need capitalisation, unless it’s being used as a name (so Kieran’s Dad should be Kieran’s dad)? Also, I found it a little odd that Kieran gave Adrik a cheeky sort of wink, given how he clearly doesn’t really like the guy (or at least, isn’t exactly comfortable around him at the moment) – but maybe I’m being dumb and missing something there!
Domus Vocis chapter 1 . 3/28/2014
I must say that I really like this story. The characters are likeable, and you have a fair grasp I pacing and dialogue. My only complaint is that the way you transition is kinda weird.

But that's a nitpick; I'm only trying to find problems.
lookingwest chapter 6 . 3/27/2014
Opening - Second lifes or second *lives*? Okay so I'm understanding a little more through your showing with Donald that the people in this story must have some sort of ability to die and re-live lives or something? Like how Donald is described as being a boy, but he's actually 300 years old (so then Aria refers to him as a man, which is clever), but I think you could've expanded and gone further with Donald's descriptions. I'm not sure what to picture, actually. At first I was picturing a boy, very young, like pre-pubescent, but now I'm not sure that was the intention. Either that, or this "second life" thing is referring to just this idea of "starting over" as a new person, which seekers can probably do because they have sixth senses and might be able to erase memories of others around them that they ever existed in the first place? So maybe there's sort of two types of "reliving" going on here, the reincarnation kind, and the memory wiping kind where you're still the same? I sort of wish I knew more by Ch. 6 into this story, but I think it's okay if you just continue slowly showing. I'd say though, the biggest thing I want more from this opening with is the descriptions of Donald, maybe even the setting - maybe even Aria's reaction when she finds out she's done something embarrassing. Go beyond just paling. It also felt a little rushed, but I think by adding in more description you might slow the pacing down for the opening to yield a more richer scene.

Character - Better description of Liam. Okay - so they are actually children who are just really old, haha. This could go a couple of disturbing ways in this story that might turn me off (i.e. the image of a 12 year old boy participating in sex shenanigans a la Brock and Keiran -esque plots) BUT hahaha, that totally hasn't happened yet so I'm willing to bear with you here! Anyway, I thought you did a good job through Liam showing Aria's age of being so young compared to Liam being like, 200 - or even Donald at the end of the scene being 300. I mean, Aria is sort of acting like a teenager here about the PA thing, a bit insecure, a bit on a determined mission to "prove herself" - having a little bit of an identity crisis, almost. And I thought that really showed through her conversation and obvious irritation about receiving more training when she's already had it. I could really feel her frustration, which I liked to see. So you portrayed her and Liam very cleverly through this scene - and like I said, I had a much clearer picture of the setting and the characters in that scene.

Pacing - Overall in this chapter, and looking at the story as a whole right now, I just feel like we're moving too quickly through the cast. I didn't like being introduced to so many new people this round, though I feel like I already have had Christian introduced earlier as Adrick's lover. I think Iden and Etienne were the most confusing for me - maybe Iden. Okay so he's a minister, he's married(?) to Aria who has just has his daughter... Ruby? But Iden is having an affair with Christina or - okay, he *had* an affair with Christian in his first life, but Christian actually was in love with this other man Etienne? Also - is Christian an AC? So is it like, pretty common then, to be sexually manipulated by older men when you're a trainee in this organization? Kind of spooky. But okay, back to pacing. See, I feel like all of this information just comes about so jumbled. I kind of wish this chapter cut off after Ruby was born and *then* there was a separate developed chapter with this Christian perspective. We could've gone way more in depth with Aria when she was older too, I mean we also get introduced to her friend Sarah? That's so many new characters this far in the game - I just felt overwhelmed. Although keep in mind this is just one perspective, and I dunno, things will probably sort out with my minor confusions as I continue reading, but maybe slowing things down and taking it one-character-focus-at-a-time might benefit your reader's comprehension of the AC organization and your characters in general - who are all leading pretty fabric-like complex lives (since many of them also have had more than one).

Ending - The flirting between Christian and Adrick was a nice place to end for the chapter and characterizes Adrick a little more. I'm still unclear if we're supposed to be reading Adrick sympathetically or not, but since you've narrated from his perspective before I'm going to guess yes. In this case, I think this is maybe one of the more sympathetic moments with him, though it's interesting that those who love Adrick are also in love with others (Kieran - Brock, Christain - Iden). Overall left this chapter by the end wishing I knew more about where Iden came from., what is any of this in connection with the character of Donald Smith? Another character introduced at the opening? Are they somehow connected? Because Donald was a past minister, right, and Iden is one now? I wonder how Christian fits into it...or Aria. Or even Liam, who was another new character, hahaha. Ack, okay, I'm probably way overthinking. So I'll leave it at this: I feel like this chapter is very tangled, in a way, but as far as the ending, I liked that you left it off on an almost hopeful note.
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