Reviews for Aeterna Children
lookingwest chapter 5 . 3/27/2014
So I'm noticing with some of your dialogue you're not correctly punctuating, and I don't normally bring up grammatical sort of issues, but this is almost always my exception (I also saw that you say grammar isn't your strong suit, so if anything, I'd say try to work on this point above all others if you're still falling into it in later chapters). So not knowing how to properly punctuate your dialogue can really disrupt your flow and make the lines sound stilted and jerky in the context of a sentence, which I'm not a fan of. Basically - just remember that you should *always* be putting a comma after dialogue to attach it up to a speaker tag. If you're providing that tag, it's gonna need a comma. Some examples I saw within the first few paragraphs of reading:

"Sir, you need a maid." Kieran said, running his finger along...

"...I ain't even been here five minutes." Kieran deadpanned.

So here I mean, you're detaching your dialogue from your speaker tag, giving that pause there that indicates they should be read as two separate sentences. And "Kieran said, running his fingers along..." is not the best of sentences of course, without the context of what he said! Again, I don't normally grammar pick, so I'll try to make this up with another analysis in this review, haha. It's a small thing, but I think making proper adjustments and trying to just actively work on it while you're writing will really improve the flow! :)

So with Maria - do you mean Latino descent? I've never heard of Latina but maybe that means Roman? I could see that working - Maria could sort of go either way but each one definitely gives a different picture of what she looks like. And woooooow, 23 languages, that's nuts. Aeterna Children must have super-intelligence or something? If you're showing it through there I think you're doing a pretty good job. Although it makes me wonder with the "Don't be a showoff" line if this is just something specific to Kieran, maybe linked to his specific powers? That he can learn things so quickly over a period of time? I look forward to finding out more about that, for sure.

I'm getting a much better perception of Brock than his first chapter, which is interesting. I didn't realize how eccentric he was in his own point of view, but seeing him from the point of view of others really brings out his personality for me. The running sarcasm of the sexual harassment bit was a good quip, and I find Kieran's relationship with Brock very complex right now. It's like he doesn't what anything to do with him but he's already falling in love with him all at the same time. I thought you portrayed that sort of confusion well through use of the quip device, plus the flirting between the two of them. I'm interested to see what might unfold conflict-wise if Brock ever finds out that Kieran lied to him about his sexual experiences. But I think, overall right now, I'm most interested in what the day-to-day in this job might actually entail. I know we've been to this office before with Brock and Chloe, but I'm still not one-hundred-percent on what they actually *do*, haha, so I can't wait until that unfolds. I saw one your reviewers liken it a bit to Angel, like a supernatural detective agency. That sounds about right so far. Can't wait to see them working a case.

Otherwise, just one more thing - I also really liked your setting this chapter because I thought it was very clear and you described it in a unique fashion that added to Brock's eccentrics. I can't help but feel Kieran might've also been exaggerating (an inch of dust is a *lot* of dust), but I think that also says something about *Kieran's* personality and how he likes things orderly. So again, I liked the setting because you were using to sort of set up this newly forming dynamic between Brock and Kieran, using it to show night and day. Clever!
deadaccount2019 chapter 3 . 3/27/2014
In all honesty the opening confused me quite a bit. The Greek mythology setting was quite confusing, to the point that I thought I was reading a piece of another story. It would help if there were some clearer hints earlier on to indicate this aspect of the story. Another note, the name Brock, as well as the language and mannerisms felt too contemporary for the scene. I would maybe look at toning down the modern language to help emphasize the scene as a past event.

With all the relationship stuff going on in Brock's life, the note that he was eco-conscious was a surprising tidbit. Of course it makes sense when considering his thoughts on death earlier on in the story. As an immortal of sorts, he better than most would likely appreciate the finite nature of life. In all honesty, I find when a character is made to be be concerned with environmental welfare they come off as preachy, but that's not the sense I get from Brock, and I am very interested to see if this little note will play a larger role in his characterization progress and the plot as a whole.
IAmButAWindow chapter 2 . 3/26/2014
Hmm...everyone's favorite see-through window here to review this chapter.

Getting inside Adrik's mind, eh? From what we read of him last chapter, he's a sadist, but here you try to give him feelings. Shows the complexity of humans, I guess. We're not so one layered, and never should a person just "fill a role" as many authors do (though you avoid it quite well (: ). Gotta be honest. Not too much into slash. Was never my thing, so any commentary on that would be avoided from my end.

You're adding a lot of characters really quickly. It's a bit overwhelming, though not so much that I can't follow what's going on. If there's many more characters to be added though, my head might start spinning. XD Hopefully they'll each get their own little snippet where we can get inside all of their heads. :)

alltheeagles chapter 9 . 3/25/2014
For the RG (Rule 10 review)

I like how the surprises never end. I mean, first there were Greek gods and people with powers. And now there are vampires. Whatever’s next? Area 51? Oh wait, that’s already in. So anyway, hats off to your creativity and super imaginativeness! I particularly like the rush and emotional spillover effect from Brock – haven’t seen quite anything like that before in other stories.
Hey, I suddenly realised something! So Tessa is a vampire and the Aeterna government wants to, what, destroy her? And Kieran has to destroy some files in exchange for her life. And that’s why he’s playing Brock. OMG, I feel so smart! I finally figured out the most important plot point!
Anyhooo... My second comment: one thing that could be improved IMHO is the bit where you kind of catalogue all Brock’s encounters with Kieran. It was very much ‘telling’ and I wondered if you could have done it by ‘showing’ instead. I mean, you managed it in the introduction of Tessa’s ‘vampirification’ (haha I just invented a new word) so maybe something similar? With dialogue?
Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 9 . 3/25/2014
You love reviews? I love them too(:
And I love this chapter, Kieran needs a hug and just some loving (not the kind of loving that he and Brock shared; however I loved that part ;) hahaha *hands you a glass of wine and clinks mine with yours* cheers)

[ "I brought you here because Finian said you needed to be watched over night.] - I am not sure if the space between over and night is intentional, but question: isn't overnight one word? (however I do understand the instinct to push the space bar when you type...hahaha I just noticed...I could be wrong).

Anyway, I am glad you updated. (funnily enough, you updated your chapter nine the same day and time I updated my chapter nine - Shattered Resistance) haha. Funny how that works out right?

Elena x
Jitterbug Blues chapter 8 . 3/25/2014
Character: I don't hate Adrik, no, but I'm not sure I understand his motivations re: torturing Kieran. He's just too apologetic about it, and it's still creepy that he seems to get off on the sight of Kieran crying. In my opinion, he's still a sadist, even if his intentions might be good or he feels he truly loved Kieran (it might be love, but it's a twisted notion of it). I really don't mind him on his own, or with Christian, because he seems like a decent guy then, and I get that part of the reason why he was so harsh on Kieran was because of Iden, but still - I'm on the fence. In a nutshell: he's a good character on his own, but I don't feel that apologises his abusive behaviour towards Kieran.

Relationships: I kind of like how this story deals with so many aspects of relationships. There's the friends with benefits thing/relationship between Christian and Adrik, there is the 'sleeping around' just for the heck of it with Adrik and Polo, and there is the past relationship between Adrik and Kieran. All of this is really awesome, because you show many layers of human sexuality that I rarely see stories address outside of fandom. Btw, I also am intrigued by the hint of Kieran's 'girlfriend', because I'd assumed he was gay? XD Anyhow, so far I think I really might be enjoying the Adrik and Christian relationship the most, because I feel they might become lovers if they only talked about their feelings?

Opening: You had a great opening there, with Kieran's mother being shot and this leading to what I assume to have been the start of his relationship with Adrik. I felt the writing was very powerful here, and I liked how you set it apart from the other scenes with italics. I also liked the emotion in it.

Plot: I really like how you make this story so character-focused. This chapter especially delves nicely into Adrik, and while I might not feel any sorrier for him re: Kieran's hatred of him, I do like him better as a character. And I'm getting too what the plot is about, I think :D I'm at least intrigued in how Polo will be dealt with, and I am further intrigued in how everything will tie in together.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 7 . 3/25/2014
I really like the dialogue, as another reviewer mentioned :3 It's so much fun to read. I might not agree with some of the statements, but I kind of get the idea that all of the one-liners are said in jest, and just emphasise the closeness of the co-workers. At least, I get the notion that this is a very relaxed, kind of ‘laissez-faire’ workplace where people mostly do as they wish until shit hits the fan or something like that XD. What I especially enjoyed was how Brook doesn’t seem all that intimidating of a boss, and fully endorses that atmosphere in his office, playing around just as much as his co-workers do XD.

I also love the tension between Kieran and Brook; you portray their chemistry well, and I love how Brook seems at least a bit aware of Kieran maybe playing a game with him? (And not being too concerned about it). I also like how playful they are with each other, while they make out, and that Kieran is fully capable of talking back (and not just being a submissive twink as I've seen in so many slash fics).

Your make-out scenes are hot, and I like them because of that? :3 You just write them well?
Whirlymerle chapter 5 . 3/24/2014
Hey there! I hope you don’t mind me reviewing out of order. I realized that I haven’t actually read chapter 5 when I last reviewed chapter 6.

Latin descent as in Roman-Latin or Latin American?

My other question is, are Aeterna children magically smarter than normal people also? If Kieran is just 19, between all his other responsibilities, where did he get time to learn 23 languages?

I was entertained by the interactions between Brock and Kieran—that guy does not know his limits, haha. I do have a feeling that if Brock is the mastermind he was introduced as in the first chapter, he might be hiding his intelligence behind this veil of playfulness… Nice chapter!
m. b. whitlock chapter 1 . 3/24/2014
For RG EF #4755

This is a really intriguing and original story! I am enjoying it a lot.

Here are my notes:

like this opening description, it moves well:
"He looked forward to Saturday mornings out with his Dad; they would go to a movie theater to watch a movie his mother wouldn't approve of, then head to a candy store in the mall where Kieran was allowed to pick any candy he wanted."

"Kieran's mother worried with the zipper of his jacket." Perhaps you mean 'fidgeted with the zipper'?

Why have 'seemed' in here?:
"Her blue eyes that matched his seemed to sparkle."

I understand that this is simply a divider but because you are using letters it's a little confusing at first:

"After the action movie was over, Kieran had all but ran to the little boy's room." Verb tense correction, 'Kieran all but ran' I would cut the 'had'. :)

"Would he ever find his father, or would he be stuck at the Austin mall forever?"

""I'm not going to hurt you," the man had said. He'd continued to pull Kieran along the alley to a parked truck, then deposited him into the passenger seat and drove him to the Victorian house he was presently standing in front of. It had been only the beginning of the cursed life he would lead." I would cut the last sentence though. You don't need it. I think it's a bit more elegant without it.

really like:
"She uncrossed her arms and rose from her chair. "Mr. Pyrce," she began, her voice sounding as fierce as a five-year-old's could, "while I may look and sound like a child, I can assure you I am not, and you cannot bribe me with candy!""

love this, awesome:
""I have changed my name to Lily," she announced imperiously. Kieran resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Since he had met the ancient girl she had changed her name at least twenty times, and had learned not to call her by a name until she told him what it was this week."

"So he decided to go with the reasoning approach, and if that didn't work he would go with the hurtful words approach, but that too would lead him to a black eye or something of the sort. There didn't seem to be a good solution."

like the ending:
"Kieran wanted to argue about being dismissed from his own apartment, but he wanted to leave even more, so he didn't. He just got up off the couch and walked out."
alltheeagles chapter 8 . 3/24/2014
For the RG EF

I liked the bit in italics, it was tender and not too melodramatic and I'm a sucker for hurt/comfort scenes. Ok, ok, so Adrik isn't a complete piece of dirt. And yes, I did like him the teeniest weeniest little bit if only for being nice to Kieran in his hour of need. On Kieran himself, I'm a little undecided. He sure is likeable, but he's becoming too much of the kind of uke (I'm SORRY if you hate that term) that I dislike. So please, Kieran, man up! The other thing I liked was the various bits of fluff and romance scattered through this chapter - in fact I like that about all your chapters, they're my favourit-estest part of AC. One thing bothers me: the Aeterna government keeps getting mentioned but up to now I don't know what they do. Are they out for world domination? Do they already rule the world? I do think that a few pointers on how this world that your story takes place in is different from 'our' world would be really helpful.
Aryal Mercy Stone chapter 8 . 3/24/2014
I could never hate Adrik lol(;
and something involving the minister...hmm, *taps foot in thought*

I should tell you that you have given me an idea for Cain in Shattered Resistance. About him having a mental break down. Haha. Everything is going to tie together lol

anyhoo, I will cease my rambling. Update soon.(:

did I mention I also love Christian too?
Kicks-and-Giggles chapter 4 . 3/24/2014
I don't know if I said this before, but I like how you have the beginning "past" scenes that lead into the "present" scenes. It sets up the chapter nicely and builds the suspense for what we're about to see in the rest of the chapter. Particularly for this chapter, I thought it was interesting to find out more about what it was that Kieran went away for (maybe? I'm guessing it had something to do with his sister and the conflict between her and Adrik?) Tessa seems like a great, spirited character. I hope we'll get to see more of her?

I noticed that you tried to keep some plot reveals "hidden" for suspense-sake (ex: when Kieran is thinking that he accidentally almost revealed "the truth" about his sister to Brock) but I was a bit confused by the little bits that *were* revealed. I think it would help to elaborate just a tiny bit more on what Kieran had almost said. Maybe he could have glimpses of a memory before he says "My sister... twin sister..." in which you could elaborate more about this freak fire? Right now, it just stands kind of like an inside joke between two friends, you know? It's a bit irritating because you have no idea what they're talking about but you're trying to pretend you do anyway? :)

In terms of the characters, I'm not sure how I feel about Kieran, but I like Brock and I *don't* like Adrik! :P Brock seems like an interesting character, mainly from the glimpse we saw of how he ended up on Earth and his inner conflict about growing old. Adrik... I already said why I don't like him - he seems like a twisted jerk and he's just confusing about what exactly he wants from Kieran. As for Kieran... I'm on the fence. He seems to have great inner conflict going on, but there's nothing incredibly remarkable about him... not yet? Nonetheless, I'm looking forward to seeing how all of these characters grow in the story!
alltheeagles chapter 7 . 3/23/2014
For the RG EF

I like the deadpan one liners in this chapter. You really have a certain deft touch with this kind of satire-ish humour. I also enjoy the continuing ‘pursuit’ of Kieran; hats off to Kieran for his remarkable acting skills and brickbats to Brock for not seeing through the entire pretending-to-be-virginal act, him being a god and all. What I don’t like is that I’m still confused and looking for a definite plot direction. One moment it’s Aria and Christian and then we jump back to Brock and Kieran... oh please don’t torture my poor little brain anymore!
lookingwest chapter 4 . 3/23/2014
I think this has been one of my favorite chapters so far. I'm still not sure if you've sold me on the technique of labeling things as "Past" and starting your chapters with those sorts of scenes - I'm always about halfway through and then have to remember this is happening in the past, haha. But at the same time, I have no alternative to how you would introduce these scenes otherwise, since that's really the style of the narration you're going for the novel. That makes it just a personal thing, but maybe you'll win me over by the end.

So anyway - I like Kieran the best out of the introduced perspective characters. I think he sort of feels like the most relatable to me right now because he's a little down to earth about well - the earth, haha. Adrick and Brock just seem to be really in their own little world (Adrick obsessed with Kieran, and Brock with his own occupation and colorful background). But I also liked how you characterized Kieran as going through his different mental processes / trains of thought in both the "past" scene when Tessa is revealed, and then the scene with Brock. The introduction that Kieran has a twin sister is intriguing, and I also like how it foils Kieran's meeting with Brock and comes up again in the dialogue. I can essentially see why this "past" scene was chosen to be paired with this "present" - so the intention worked smoothly.

Very peculiar setting for a meeting about getting a job, lol, but then I've come to realize this story is not ver realistic in the "real jobs" department, and that's fine. If it was it would be boring, right? I think the setting of the dance floor also characterizes Brock, (plus the boots), he's certainly not a shy man, at all. So using the setting to show his characterization when not in his perspective was also a good move/device, I thought.

Finally, man, this ending just really has me scratching my head with what Adrick thinks he's up to. I mean, he has to be up to something. Either that or he is very clingy and just can't take a hint, haha, but I think of all your characters he's definitely the hardest for me to relate to or even warm up to at this point. After your review reply I'm really keeping an open mind about Brock, and I'm sure he's coming in as the main love interest for Kieran right now (which they cut right to the chase, didn't they!) so I'm wondering how Adrick will play in besides just being the conflict that might arise as a love tirangle-ish deal. You did a good job bringing in your themes of foreshadowy / possible romance this chapter, though, and I liked that because you did it through also advancing Kieran's plot. Well done :)
alltheeagles chapter 6 . 3/22/2014
For the RG EF

First off, a point of confusion: this is the I don’t know how many times I’ve seen the term ‘second life’, and I still don’t know what it means. I don’t like not knowing, so put me out of my misery, please? Another point of confusion : the chapter is jumpier than usual, so it’s hard to follow! But I think I survived, just about. Anyway, I liked the hot wings and freezer pack scene with Sarah, because her optimistic misinformation about inducing labour is so crazy it goes past shocking and turns into funny. And I’ll assume that there is a connection between Aria and Christian? Cause otherwise why put their stories together? Other assumptions I’m making: Aria married Donald. And the reason Christian doesn’t like being touched is because he was a prostitute for Iden.
Typo: ALLOWED not aloud
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