|Reviews for Alone|
| TanteLiz chapter 1 . 3/18/2014
You did a lot with the first-line prompt you described in the 'Spotlight Story' thread - I wish that it hadn't had to be the first line, though, since after reading and re-reading, I would so much rather that he'd found the knife AFTER exploring the attic. The time it took cut into the dramatic through-line and diffused the tension you'd worked to build (and feels weird in a practical sense - did it take that long for the police to get there?)
While there are a few other holes (like why is the knife in the closet and why would a murderer have put it there, wet with blood, instead of at least washing it first or burying it with her victim), all in all it's a good story that holds the reader's interest and is different from what we've seen from you before - bravo/brava for taking the chance on something new!
| Aureus Lux chapter 1 . 3/17/2014
Haunting. I think it was smart to make Carlos call the police, a factor adding to the realness of this story. I think your style of writing is very mature, and I remember seeing no grammar mistakes. As a reader, I tend to read more of the fantasy, sci-fi, or overall unlikely-to-happen stories, and the plotline you created served as a refreshing and interesting change, and it sparked my interest back into more realistic fiction.
The way you decided to end this one-shot was good and bad. Bad because I do want to know what happens after. Does the grandma get arrested? Or does she manage to cover everything up? However, ending the story where you did also allows for some speculation on the reader's behalf, so we can make up our own ideas of what happened later.
Overall, good story, good writing. Keep it up!
| SuitedManatee chapter 1 . 3/11/2014
What a twist :O
Well that got pretty dark. Good story though, good use of suspense and a lot of description. I only spotted a few errors that could be cleaned up pretty easily, other than that it's very well written.
I think my only concern is that after four meticulously planned murders made to look like accidents, Maria just goes and stabs Ernie up in a forest. Seems a little less subtle by comparison. Also if the murder happened in the forest then the knife wouldn't have been in the cottage and if it happened in the cottage there would have been more blood...
Or at least that's what I think. But I'll stop poking holes in this now :L
| Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 1 . 3/7/2014
Wow. That's about all I have to say. It's a good story, very intense. The fact that Carlos is oblivious to the fact that, as the details you gave point out, his grandmother killed all of her past husbands. I wonder what happened after Carlos met his grandmother at the door.
| augie.toaste chapter 1 . 3/6/2014
No badgers!? :) Yes this is going to become a running theme, whether you like it or not.
I should have waited to read this. Then I would have had something to look forward to tomorrow. But I couldn't help myself. I didn't expect this sort of piece from you. Usually, your work is light. Child-like. Playful. This was dark. I don't normally read this sort of stuff, but... well, it's very well written. You've done well to build up the suspense, especially around the part where Carlos makes the call. You've managed to articulate the world of a young boy.. Wonderful.
Did you intentionally follow the POV of a child to make the twist that little bit more chilling? I love the clever-ness of the story telling. The readers know exactly what's going on, but Carlos remains oblivious. Very clever. I don't think this story could have been told any other way. It has the feel of a modern fable to it. 'Gee-ma', despite her tendencies, still manages to seem like a grandmother. Great work, TR.