|Reviews for Lamenting My Ardor of Love and Hate|
| Shannon chapter 1 . 8/10/2014
A trend I notice in your poems is their unmitigated darkness. This is going to sound pretty hurtful, but I mean it with goodwill, because I see a lot of potential in your writing. Darkness is too much for people to handle. They can't see in the dark. People can see when it gets dark, but if a poem is dark from beginning to end, it's hard to understand. If you show a contrast, that would help. What would you want to feel, if you could choose? This pain is horrible because it's taking joy and peace from you. Show the reader how much you've lost, to make your pain more poignant. Additionally, you don't need every line to make a sentence by itself. That's why the best part of this poem, in my opinion, is where you say
"As I lay
Contrast makes things easier for the brain to understand. Switch up whether a line makes sense by itself or whether it needs accompaniment.
Have you read "The Gate" by Tadeusz Rozewicz? If you read it, you'll notice that the horror of the poem is illustrated in the banality of the images of cigarette butts floating in water, in contrast to horrors so old and once-revered they seem almost beautiful to the poet. Adam's skull, hell, the final judgment. He's saying that the loss of these horrors means the loss of the deep emotions they inspired within him as well, but he doesn't just say it, you know? He relies on the feelings stirred up by mentioning these things, and offers, in contrast, the mild disgust stirred up by slang such as "stiff," or stupid, irreverent activities like drinking non-alcoholic beer and "munching" (now there is an evocative word!) on sausage.
From reading your other poems, I gather you are a student recently arrived in Japan. From the outside, that seems like something exciting and nostalgic. Student-hood should be all about quiet joys in discovery, you know? And to you it's about hating someone because they hated you. And at least in my native country, Japan is seen as a very serene place. For you, it's been a place of unsolicited aggression. That's appalling. Show us. I know you can. :)