|Reviews for Behind The Winter's Veil|
| 360pages chapter 9 . 3/23/2016
It's less that it came out unnatural, more that the story actually feels like it's going rather slow. This isn't a bad thing, but 4 chapters and we are still at pretty much the same location. I can tell you got a bit of inspiration for the Basilica from the Church from the Nasuverse. (I actually read most of Nasu stuff actually) which I don't mind. Considering these last 3 chapters were mostly focused on establishing this location I wouldn't mind having a more solid goal for our lead. It doesn't have to be world changing, but a lot of his decisions feel like.
"Meh, why not?" Which isn't bad, but Briar himself doesn't strike me as that kind of character too much.
The drama here is interesting, but it might have hit a bit harder if it was spaced after the next mission, these 4 chapters feel like a lump of info without anything really in between. You'd probably could have cut somethings out and shorten it to 2 chapters. With some of the finer details explained off hand.
Though a good thing about written media is that you don't have to skip out on details for time, so it is really your choice.
| Daniel Kozaki chapter 8 . 2/19/2016
Hello! Maybe I'll skip things about typos and the like, seeing that you consider this just a first draft.
Not a bad opening.
Of course Bartholomew would flatter his superiors, he's a bureaucratic man. :p
I think it's better to put the whisper with the appropriate dialogue tags, lol, even if the brackets have an amusing effect. Maybe it's Bartholomew acting all scared and unsure in front of his superiors.
The dog in a robe bit made me lol. XD
The elders as the reason for her still in a comma... hm... some executive decision or just placing the blame? Ah, Nazar is Deanna's master iirc. I knew there's something about the scene where Briar carries a drunk Dragomirov on his back! Yoda! *shot*
A quirky five, bordering on silly, it's almost anticlimactic lol.
50k dollars of taxpayers money? Or church donations? :p
I think the skipped conditioning will prove an important plot element later on..
That disembodied Kyeeeeh needs a dialogue tag. Plus it sounds weird as
Snake with hundreds of legs.. eww.
Strange how the arcane ritual looked like one of those nightmarish illusions, I think you'll avoid confusing the reader better if you'll only show 'proof' that it really happened right after it's done. After all, we were watching a room with holograms and a shapeshifting Corgi.
Still, at least the higher ups are optimistic about him. The chosen one cliche is kinda showing. Xp
Overall, a smooth chapter making us feel like things are moving forward again. Hope the training won't bore, though.
Hm you asked me why a lot of people thought Dragomir is a doctor. I think it's because the past few chapters has a hospital-esque feel. Well, to me, at least.
| Daniel Kozaki chapter 7 . 2/16/2016
Hello, been a while.
"The same golden ornament, supposedly the emblem for the Holy Unity Basilica." - this isn't a complete sentence. -u-"
Machine-like precision in a handdrawn map. Shin. Is she gifted or autistic (in the good way) or smth? O_o
Pet doll... homunculus? Or android?
"... my eyes followed suite." - suit
Ugh... that drunk. I have a personal grudge towards the word "Nyet". Don't ask.
""Sigh, I'll deal with him later."" - I think 'sigh' doesn't belong there.
'"...tunnel," She explained concisely...' - s
'As soon as I managed to get my mouth opened I started screaming.' - open
'I threw out my arm out.'
Poor Briar. Nobody likes troublesome drunkards.
Hm, had to admit, having seen what the demon could do, even seeing its parts in crates was unnerving.
'The demon wanted to eat me, but why?' - because you're the chosen one, of course.
About the characters... well, Briar was a bit naive for not expecting Dr Bartholomew's ultimatum. Shelby... well, she's a bit interesting, how she made the drunk guy the solution to Briar's problem. Dr Dragomir-something... he's just annoying when drunk imo - prolly someone very important when sober. Dr Bartholomew... just an organization-man, he didn't strike me as a sinister character on his own.
Anyway, you have interesting choices of words and a smooth flow. However, the narration feels a little bit... stretched and flat, as if a detached rambling. Maybe it's just me, but I felt like even the lighthearted scenes felt diluted and underperforming because of the narration. Iono... maybe it's really just me.
'Briar is still a greenhorn in this organization so if the council had any grand plans with him this early in the story, I'll be disappointed because until this point, Briar hasn't prove to me that he has what it takes to be a hunter.'
Best of luck, Arowa-kun.
| Kisho chapter 2 . 2/5/2016
Well, the story's moving along. The prose is a little awkward, but I mean, it's a NaNo piece so that's to be expected. In my opinion, you should redo these earlier chapters sometime so it's easier to get into your story. Overuse of exclamation points and a bunch of strange speech tags where "said" would do the job perfectly (tossed out, exclaimed rhetorically, etc), odd onomatopoeia, and just generally meandering in your prose a lot... this is all like two years old so I'm sure you've improved a lot since this.
Deanna is quite the cuckoo. I like her, and her little appearing act she's so fond of pulling off. Still, what's all this with Briar and his vision? Some kind of power to see the past? Maybe this is what makes him "a key piece on the board in the events to come?" Deanna seemed to know about it, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's the type to just know a lot of things.
Also how come Briar didn't suspect Deanna instantly of being the cash thief? Or once he found out he had the money, suspect her of being the one who planted it? Not to mention not saying anything about the weird customer who barged in behind the cash register to Collins. She seems like the number 1 suspect, the number 2 suspect, and the number 3 suspect all rolled up in one. Or maybe a demon. It's always a demon's fault.
| Kisho chapter 1 . 2/4/2016
Yo! It's me, your number one favorite person, reading at last.
So yeah! Reading this reminded me of the time I... read this chapter. A long long time ago. I think it was your Story Club week a zillion years ago or something I read this first chapter. Maybe even more? Anyway, I didn't review because I am a bad person.
I do like your ending. Lol. It sounds like this whole demon-hunting thing is very hush-hush and Deanna is doing a very bad job of that. x3
It's a little weak in the beginning, kind of slow and Briar's physical description came across to me as a biiit awkward. But I did like his interaction with Deanna! It really helped us get into his head, see through his eyes, feel his character and all that. So you get a gold star.
Moving on to chapter 2 and looking forward to your take on the classic demon-hunting scheme :v
| Madcinder chapter 6 . 1/26/2016
I think I've gotten to the point where I understand Briar and how he thinks, but I'm not sure I like him terribly much as a person. Sure, he wants to help people, but that's clearly not the driving motive. Although it's pretty hard to figure out what is...
All I know is Briar better hurry up and help them get Deanna's soul back in one piece. Because souls being in multiple pieces is... in my experience, anyways, not a good thing. And I like Deanna, so i want her back about as much as Briar does.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 13 . 1/16/2016
I see our hero is quite, unhappy with turn of events, finding out your mentor's noble act amounted to far less then you thought always stings I suppose.
Damn, this story took a darker turn fast, and that's saying something. Did not think we would have anything related to New York, nor a gang leader from their. Super demon or just a jerk? We will find out, but this complicates things. The situation almost reminds me of the current Marvel Jessica Jones show with a super obsessive stalker, though I guess this stalker was all ready dealt with.
Well, bad news just keeps popping up out of nowhere it seems, quite the bad day for Brair, that Doctor sounds rather flaky to alter things to get him fired, hard to get things done right when a horrible reputation lingers around it seems.
As bad as that is, now we got a mall overrun with monsters, one step away from becoming Dead Rising four, I suppose it depends if he will start using a chainsaw? We will see lol, but in any-case, this was quite the intense chapter,
| Darth Zannacross chapter 12 . 1/15/2016
Not sure if this girl is a monster or just rude, we will see. Well, and after seeing it, we see she is just feisty protective of Ian, at least they were able to win her over.
But at last, the plot thickens, Deanna seems to not have done the job right after all, we will see, but sounds like we got a tense meeting coming up.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 11 . 1/14/2016
Damn, did not realize just how bitter a relationship Briar has with his family, guess all the more reason he was so eager to go on a adventure.
Meanwhile, Ian just might be as heavy a drinker as Homer Simpson, though his rational to drink as much might be more justified.
Well, we got ourselves a lot of mystery, hope it does not lead to a Resident Evil style horror show, is this girl going to burst to a toxic monster? We will see lol, but keep it up, and thanks for the Russian lesson lol.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 10 . 1/13/2016
Oh Legion, always quite a fun boss to kill in Castlvaina lol, somehow I don't think its what we have here though.
I admit, your use of first Person makes it hard to follow at times but, I think I am on track with things.
And so, things are picking up, Nazar is not starting off the day well. Oh well,Reynard's interactions with Kira gave him some good times, demon ladies aside.
Asher showed he had quite the intense emotional upbringing, always being under that pressure can get to you I guess.
Though Sasha seemed to be under even greater trauma if she wanted to cut off her hand, damn the demons.
And so, Ian's purpose is revealed to be greater then Nazar thought, I wonder what ripples will come from this confrontation. Well, if he can complete the test, maybe he can get one step closer to saving Deanna, but for now a nice chapter full of intense action and drama. Till next time.
| Kenshin Kojima chapter 13 . 12/28/2015
Yeah, it has been quite a while since you last posted a chapter. I can tell you had fun writing this chapter. I got that feeling as I read this. It's an awesome feeling, isn't it? :)
Now onto the review...
So, Ian and Nelii are running from the Triad. I didn't see that coming at all. Man, Nelii had a messed up past. I mean, Ian avenged his sister for what that bastard James did. Again, I really didn't see that coming. But, it seems Ian made some kind of arrangement with 'Jonathan Price'. It's one way to get the Triad off his and his sister's backs. Hiring your own personal demon. Heh, even though this seems to speculation at the moment.
Mr. Collins was the one who planted the money on Briar, only because of his past. Wow. I honestly thought it Deanna did it, so she could get him to become a demon hunter. It was a good scene.
Overall, this was a good chapter. A lot was going on. And you managed to answer some questions from the last chapter. I thought it was cool to have Briar have that flashback at the store. It helped him save his former boss...even though he's a total douche. Still, it helped him. I cannot wait to see what happens next. I mean, the story is now picking up.
Thanks for the read!
| HidenoriET chapter 12 . 12/15/2015
It’s been a long while since I’ve reviewed, but believe me when I say I’m enjoying the read! The confrontation between Ian’s sister and Briar was quite an interesting scene. Here we see Briar’s bracelet taking effect, augmenting his physical limits or something like that. I’m surprised that the bracelet actually have such magical powers to even sway the girl’s conviction.
The chapter is short though as the entire episode talks about their encounter with Ian’s sister, but then again your content is more than enough to bring more questions to our mind! Price the demon is surprisingly alive? Or maybe this is the true human being that’s talking? Either way, I like how you’ve set the stage now with more mysteries surrounding Ian and Price.
However, I do feel the sneeze felt a bit too forced in the name of fan service lol. That slap to Briar’s face could be felt by the readers — in the sense that it completely threw the entire seriousness off the scene. I kind of got what you’re trying to pull there but it felt a little too hard to read.
Overall great set-up! Can’t wait to see what does Ian got to say when Briar and him meet once again.
| MasterIllusionist1143 chapter 1 . 11/29/2015
I like this. This is a nice first chapter. That's the first thing I need to say. I am not a naturally critical person so don't expect much. The word I would use to describe this first chapter is slow, I don't mean that in a bad way. it's not too slow, what I mean is that you don't seem to rush it, you take your time and give plenty of details about the setting which I appreciate and is something I personally have issues with in my own writing. The way you revealed the protagonist's appearance was written a bit weird to me, at first I thought you were describing someone else, but I believe this is more my problem than your problem, but I thought I'd give it a mention. The most negative thing I can say is that first paragraph starts a little weak for me, it didn't really draw me in too well, but this is not a ery big issue at least to me. I am intrigued to see where this goes from here.
| Natsuki Nanami chapter 1 . 11/29/2015
Pretty average for a prologue chapter, but I would rather read the short one rather than the very very very long one.
I clearly understand how that Briar dude feel because...I've did that before. Maybe I'd give it 9/10. That cliffhanger went Deanne said 'To hunt demon' is really...something. Why would she say that to a total stranger? Maybe, I'd find about that later.
| Starart152 chapter 11 . 11/29/2015
This is a nice investigation chapter. There is a few nice information's we learn about Briar such as his background, his current relationship with his family, especially between him and his father with a few words.
The investigation, personally, wasn't that great until we reached Ian's home. The good part was deepening the plot around the demon, but I felt it slowed the story a little, but that part was short and you end it with a cliffhanger.