Reviews for Kichea, The Forbidden One
Daniel Kozaki chapter 4 . 1/10/2016
Hm, a year since my last review. Itadakimasu~
Hm, church scene. What Jax said… still waiting.
‘It is by our religion, Sorium, that keep us together.’ – would work better without ‘by’, making it ‘keeps’.
‘"Yes, Father." the nuns and apprentices said all at once.’ – “Father,” the (there are other instances of this punctuation issue, so I’ll just mention this one).
‘"for he who is corrupted by sin shall die from it"’ – this doesn’t mean that the church uses capital punishment, is it? Another portrayal of the contrast between rules for enforcing purity and the hypocrisy that arises from such a system, in religion, it’s probably a trope in itself, hai. Add that with a King exalted beyond what is human, yeah. Classic Middle Age element, but you made it interesting with the mix of modern and medieval (guns on bikes versus knights with swords, ftw).
Frost sounds like the usual loyalist-badass-girl material, the less-human-than machine-type. I might be looking forward for future internal conflicts in her case.
‘…he sighed in depress.’ – reword this, I think.
‘…how his parents refused him from even looking at them.’ – I think ‘refused’ is not the right word here. ‘won’t allow’ or something like it, because ‘refused him’ means ‘rejected him’ or smth. Thin line, sorry for nitpicking.
‘putting on gloves and and seating her light blue pistol back in its holster’ – just one ‘and’. ‘holster.’ I think ‘setting’ is the right word here.
‘"I trust this man is speaking the truth. We don't need to spend our time digging into other people's private matters. Besides, I'm tired."’ – hm… interesting. He’s probably gonna be dragged into getting into trouble with Kichea and co later.
Motorcycle action wasn’t what I expected for this story, so… you go, King! *w*b
Anyway, nitpicking aside, good job, this story is progressing. What Wong said, Guthrie POV and all that. Why you no update this yet, King? This is one story people would love to get into if it’s… say, 20-chapters long or something, the way you handled the flow, the action and conflict escalation, and everything.
Y. S. Wong chapter 4 . 7/17/2015
Don't worry, Kingo! I'm here to save you from 69 review hell at last!

I like this approach you're taking with Kichea's character. Not sure if that's how I would do it, but developing her through the eyes of Guthrie is an interesting take for sure.

Aland Allah?

Last scene was good. (*w*) It definitely made the choice of Guthrie as POV character shine. The action was great, too. Kichea is badass.

But GDI King, y u leave off here?
Daniel Kozaki chapter 3 . 3/3/2015
...
Dat opening scene. Or should I say, sin? *shot*
Captain Laec... sounds like another major char.
Douchebag king, huh...
'"You know why this carpet is red?"' - ew.
Pure douchebaggery.
Or is Laec simply a 'window' to narrate events involving the King?
'"And then, Luke wrapped his arms around Guthrie, whispering sweet nothing in his ear..."' - fujoshi alert!
'"This is a guy, boss," Luke said.
Aaric nodded. "My apologies."' - lool
Ah, now things return to the main storyline! 11 years, huh. Although, got to scroll back two chapters to get that.

You've gone far, King, you've gone far.
Daniel Kozaki chapter 2 . 2/26/2015
Continuing where I left off...
Well, another day, another conflict...
Two guys leveling an entire village, OP style. Fun. But why just two, though?
Not much to criticize, seeing how you've got a strong, distinctive style after all the wordcount you've produced. And the fact that there are 18 people reviewing here before me, so pretty much I can't find anything else to say. Well, just... wonder where the story will head then...
Kei-kei Yuki chapter 1 . 9/14/2014
Wow, good first chapter!
360pages chapter 4 . 7/23/2014
I noticed you jump around a lot, it's not a big deal since it is sometimes necessary. But it was closer to about five times this chapter, like I said it's just a personal gripe and even I do to even though I dislike it. Plus I really don't know how to cut back on it, or if it's even a flaw.
360pages chapter 3 . 7/16/2014
I will say it is quite a jarring shift, but I think it works even though you pretty much introduced an entire new section of the cast. You also do a pretty good job at describing where the characters are and what they are doing when talking.

Though I can see how it can be jarring to some readers, and while your details are good, I do think some of them are a little basic, and you could add some flavor to them (Of course this is just my personal opinion and your details are fine as well)
Virage chapter 1 . 7/3/2014
"You're back, welcome home, dear," she smiled at them. - Since smiled isn't a proper dialogue tag you can either make the comma a period and have "She smiled at them" as its own sentence, or say "she said and smiled at them."

her mother smiled, pleased by her manners. - just a capitalization issue

"She's such a good child." her mother remarked with a smile - just a punctuation issue

...yet rather plain tone, "Took it your father finished hunting early?" - So I think either "Took" should be lower-cased or "plain tone" needs a period.

"How should I know?" he shrugged, "We just gotta deal with it." - probably should be "How should I know?" He shrugged. "We just gotta deal with it." - Although this can be fixed several ways, this is the simplest solution.

...would spend for long periods of time... - I would leave out the "for"

"L-Let's go." he said - you know what I'm going to say

...widen eye of interest. - "widened"

Hmmm, so I'm just going to stop pointing out the dialogue tags thing. Half of this story is written with grammatically correct usage and the other half isn't. Not sure why that is. Still, you should go and fix them all.

Kichea's eyes widen, her father responding with the reaction. - "widen" again. This is actually a tense shift thing, past tense is "widened"

Mm, okay, so this story is well written and is mostly grammatically correct. The style is very simple, in that dialogue, actions, and descriptions are not overt, overdone, or exaggerated. Simply put, this is beautifully written. The narration is subtle and really underscores the characters it latches to to help describe or set the current scene. The style and narration also underscores the village and setting as a whole. Simple folk. Simple houses. Simple living. Ah, it's so beautifully in its simplicity it's poetic in and of itself.

The characters are great. Kichea comes across as young, curious, well-behaved, intelligent, respectful, and observant. This is such a great character to see the world through. It's practically unbiased. Her descriptions are rich, earthly, and natural. Her personality mirrors her curiosity. She's ever-watching, always mindful of her surroundings. And the natural flow of narrative description shows it. Nothing felt contrived or forced. And there was always just the right amount of description and exposition used. The other characters are flatter, interesting, but flatter when compared to Kichea. Jabari is the only other person who comes even close. You can feel his presence in what he does, how he talks, and how is described. He reminds me of stories about my grandfather, who was a longshoreman. My dad always told me he had a great respect for his father because longshoreman worked hard, brutally tough jobs unloading docked ships. He ate meat and potatoes, didn't say much, and always had a scowl on his face. But he worked hard, provided for the family, and sometimes took my dad to work when they were missing a worker. On the job, he commanded respect. Believe me when I say you did a good job with Jabari. Good enough for me to bust out anecdotes.

I'm getting hints at a plot but at the moment, it doesn't exist. Hah, you're like me. But maybe not. I can tell there's a plot right around the corner. Maybe. But yeah, I don't even care. I don't know h ow to write plots so who am I to judge others on theirs.

Already semi-described it, but the scene and setting were marvelous. Simply done.

Now, the crazy white guy has me really interested. In my head he looks like Jeff Bridges with a dirty white beard. He even sounds like Jeff Bridges. You should name him Jeff Bridges. Joking aside, I loved how natural you made the language barrier disappear. It was so cool knowing they couldn't understand each other but we as the audience could understand him and the Swais. I will be very upset if this guy ends up as a generic character, but I really doubt he will.

Ending was a bummer though. I feel as shocked as Kichea. Great cliffhanger regardless, and its so nice to see characters with some natural tension that isn't born from their family getting slaughtered, someone dying in front of them, or getting stabbed in the back by a loved one, physically. This one is emotionally I know. Still, nice, simple, realistic reaction and portrayal of that betrayal. It really hits home too considering she was probably feeling special because, I'm assuming, she was the only girl out there with the hunters. MMM, hits you right in the chest, in that region where you get the feels.

The subject matter is pretty unique I think, don't see a lot of tribal settings in the manga section, unless its blatant pre-Meji era Japan. Welcome change. Looking forward to seeing where this story goes.
Jax Creation chapter 4 . 6/22/2014
*still waiting to see the significance of the church scenes, other than the apparent corruption*

"As predicted, there [was] a trio of women awaiting to see his exposed features."
—Uh, since when was that a regular thing? And his name is Dax? (Dacks? Dacked... is this a pun on his pantslessness? xD)
—Also you need to go back and proofread. Some of your tenses are off.

*"The blue [missing word?] captain clicked his tongue . . ."
—The Blue Captain sounds odd to me.

The problem all reverse trap characters share... they always have effeminate hair-styles -w- b

*"Something inside tugged him to find out more about her."
—Kichea x Guthrie. You're just asking for it, King, lol.

*"Aaric approached them with a calm look"
—Not actually a dialogue tag, thus periods instead of commas.

*"As a Royal Guard[sman]" or Guard-Captain.

Oho, I see hints of plot coming together. Good. It's about time. Kichea is surprisingly violent though. Oh my... just where are you taking this, eh, King?
M1zz chapter 1 . 6/17/2014
Imma a butt and couldn't read this during the week so I gonna bust out some reviews o this story. I apologize! (and I'm going to be reviewing as I go so if I question something I may find out later). Alright, off I go!

(-)

Okay, so I want to say that the first part, at the very top, the...well I don't know what I'd call it. Maybe 'narration'. But whatever. The beginning was good. Like it reminded me of Mako's narration during the beginning of the old Conan the Barbarian movies. I feel as though it sets the tone. This is an origin story.

So. This was an interesting first chapter. I really like the descriptions in this chapter; simple and to the point. I felt like I got a clear enough picture of everyone and everything without it being overbearing. The dialogue felt a little stilted to me, it could be simply the sleep pattern of the tribe. But it simply didn't flow for me as I read.

The end was a bit shocking, but in the sense that Jabari didn't fight for his daughter. We didn't get a lot of time with him but he seemed like a caring father. So that really surprised me.

Um, this is just a little thing- a pet peeve if you will. If there's a character in your story that speaks a different language from the main cast I suggest that you not write dialogue for them. Like I think the scene would have been more effective if we, the readers, didn't know what the white man said either. Help bring up into the the terror the children were feeling.
Lolitroy chapter 3 . 6/15/2014
I was wondering where the heck had Kichea gone off to during the chapter, but oh, she's here... on the King's place? I'm confused.

The king is a psycho.

P.S. AT the beginning: Rule 34 is coming into play.
Y. S. Wong chapter 3 . 6/15/2014
Freaking King. Nuns everywhere! Sex! Aw yeah!

Dat kingkieranofe3.

Guthrie, it's a trap!

And there's Kichea. I find it interesting you'd introduce a male lead to pair with Kichea, but here's hoping for some fruitful developments.

I thought the scene with Kieran in particular was a little bit disjointed and hard to follow. Could use a little polishing up. Nonetheless, your writing's definitely making tremendous strides, King, so kudos on that.
TheFreeEdge chapter 2 . 6/15/2014
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HELL YEAH, THIS IS AWESOME!

I mean, I feel terrible for Kichea.

SCREW THAT! MORE! MORE SUFFERING! HELL TO THE YES! WOOHOO!

O-okay, aside from my happy cheers, there is one widdle problem that presents itself. Darkness Induced Audience Apathy. You, uh, pretty much told us that everyone was going to die in the very first scene. That's not very good since, well, just look at my reaction up there.

Rule of thumb, if I'm cheering, then I enjoyed it for the wrong reasons. If I'm crying, then you're doing a good job.

I knew these people were gonna die. That's why I failed to develop an attachment to anyone. Papaman was kinda cool in how he backed Kichea, but everyone else... Two chapters weren't enough to develop them, let alone attach the readers towards them. Sure, they're unimportant to the story overall, but when it comes to tragedy, you've just gotta pulse pound the very same emotions the victim is feeling to the readers.

And since I'm not as attached to the kids as Kichea... Well...

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That.

Regardless, you did a pretty good job.
TheFreeEdge chapter 1 . 6/15/2014
Okay, first thing I want to point out is the typo of deer to dear around the start. I suddenly pictured Papaman tying his wife's legs with a rope.

My major gripe throughout the village scene is that you didn't break it down into multiple scenes through line breaks. By making it one long narrative, you take away the sense of time and division that the scenes could need. It feels like things just happen a second after the other like this, which makes for an unimmersive ride.

Let's see, from the get-go, the storyline suffers from Darkness Induced Apathy. If the first scene is some people going HOHO WE ARE TOTALLY GONNA KILL EVERYONE! then I find myself to lack a single care about anyone in the village. These kill em' all scenarios really just work when it's surprising. The tension builds this way, you know?

Character-wise, I guess it's a little too early to judge. I guess Papaman is kinda cool, but him wanting to boot his daughter out minuses points from me.

Ah yes, the world-building is nice, the little glimpses of it at least. Some things about Gods and whatnot. Wonder if we'll see them getting killed.

I did find the kids just waltzing into the prison and meeting crazyman kinda odd. Felt kinda rushed too. I don't know, just felt like they suddenly decided to head to the prison all of a sudden. *shrugs*
Nori-san chapter 4 . 6/15/2014
All right! Reached the last chapter of your ongoing series! Now let's see. Many different scenes jumping through the chapter. It's a good read, pushing pace of the story quicker than before. I like that. However, I think it would be better if you have more descriptions input in this chapter. Maybe the expressions of the characters and also proper planning of dialogues. Don't get me wrong. Your dialogues are good, but I feel like you're only showing us the good stuff and there's a lot of things I bet are kept in your mind but you didn't pen them all down in the chapter because you wanna breeze through this for the reader's enjoyment.
There should be more build up, more restraint such as Kichea's reluctance to bringing Guthrie. There has got to be a reason why she said No in the first place. Also, Guthrie sure jumps to conclusion fast eh? Hmmm I see many more references here and a bit of the irony in the first part. Other than that, another chapter done with rooms for improvement!
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