|Reviews for The Wolf of Rome|
| lilymarie96 chapter 3 . 5/27/2014
I am very impressed with your dialogue, I love that each character is distinguishable without having to say who said what. They truly do each have a 'voice', like you've said to do! I also like the bit at the end about him shaving that "Jesus beard" and having it turn back the clock. It was a nice touch to emphasize that he is returning to his roots.
| lilymarie96 chapter 1 . 5/25/2014
This was a good start, and it does make a reader want to click 'Next' and see what will happen in the next chapter, and I hope a lot of the mysteries presented in this chapter become clearer soon, like the futuristic (?) tracking technology, why Rick has these dreams and why he's on the run for them. I think there's a fine line between being so vague that readers don't want to continue, and writing a mystery that wants people wanting more, and I think you were pretty successful in getting the mystery across.
| Anne Redwood chapter 13 . 5/23/2014
An interesting way to reveal what he is. Though, personally, I'd have liked to see him transform and figure it out. There doesn't seem to be a lot of panic or confusion on Rick's part. No normal person would take this seriously or calmly. Werewolves are myths, legends, scary stories and nothing more. To learn that it's real would throw the whole world out of balance for a person.
| Anne Redwood chapter 12 . 5/23/2014
Rick seems too open about the hallucinations and pissing someone off. It would be more realistic if he just told her he caught something while traveling. I also don't understand why they switched to Latin in the middle of a conversation. Does that get explained later in the story?
| Anne Redwood chapter 7 . 5/23/2014
Why was Ted so suspicious and why is he so willing to help Rick out?
| Anne Redwood chapter 6 . 5/23/2014
I like the description of Eddie being like a zombie, but you did mention it twice in one sentence. This is overkill. Another thing I noticed was that Eddie didn’t seem to be gone all that long. If he was at the gym, he should’ve been gone longer. You mention “how he’d last seen it” and “he recalled” a lot. Try to cut back on this. The reader knows that he’s been gone for a while. Just describe things. Or, you could mention the things that haven’t changed in a group of paragraphs and then mention what has changed. That way you keep the concept of him comparing what he sees to what he remembers. It also keeps it a bit more condensed.
The plot is moving slowly. I understand wanting to give background and build suspense, but with too much time between important plot points slows it down and actually destroys the tension. Something needs to happen with his pursuer or with the illness or the dreams.
| Anne Redwood chapter 4 . 5/23/2014
First off, I love some of your similes, "heart pounding like a machine gun" and "constipated robot" are my favorites.
The dialogue feels rushed at times and doesn't always follow a logical path. Sometimes it jumps from topic to topic without any sort of transition or connection. If you want specifics, message me.
| Anne Redwood chapter 2 . 5/23/2014
The first paragraph is a bit difficult to follow. You might want to try breaking the sentences up a bit more. It could help make it a bit more clear. In the second paragraph, you said “by” instead of “buy”. Minor mistake (I’m guilty of this one a lot). Try to vary your word choices. There are several places where the same word appears three times in one paragraph. You might also want to change some of the phrases you use often. For example “He ran through a mental checklist”. When he’s thinking back on high school, I’m not sure you need to mention Lisa and Brian. If they come up in later chapters, then you can bring up their background with Rick. It could help move the plot a bit faster. Just a thought though. At the beginning of the dream, you don’t need to say that Rick noticed that Titus was in an urban setting. Just say that “This time Titus was in a dense urban area.” A spring in his step suggests that he’s in a good mood and not on an important mission. You could say “Titus moved with care and determination.” When worded like this, it suggests a mission or a plan without stating it directly, allowing readers to put pieces together for themselves. I’m a bit confused when you say that “The only difference was the beard now growing on his face…”. Right before that you had said that his clothes were now worn out, which would be another difference. And don’t say “whatever short timespan”. Saying short means that Rick has an idea of how much time has passed when the rest of the sentence hints that he doesn’t know.
Some of your word choices and sentence structures are confusing and hard to follow at times. I also noticed that you don’t always group similar ideas together and jump around a bit.
Hope this helps. If you have any questions, message me.
| Anne Redwood chapter 1 . 5/23/2014
An intriguing first chapter. I’m curious to see where you’re heading with this.
I do have a few suggestions. You used the phrase “much like” in two sentences that came right after one another. Maybe try saying “His favorite blue jeans…now looked more like his ghoulishly pale skin than their original blue.” You also said that he didn’t want cops to see his gun, but then right after you said he almost wished to be caught. What would he do with the gun? This is only a minor problem. The line where you said the monotony was welcome after farms and fields seems contradictory. Wouldn’t continuous fields be more monotonous than a forest? “Shattered jugs…covering the area with broken pottery shards.” I don’t think you need the last bit. Allow the reader to envision what it looks like. Sometimes too much description or being told straight out what something is annoys the reader. When you talk about the armor, you say it reminded him that it was not his body or his motions. You don’t need this. You already mentioned that he realized it wasn’t his. If you want to keep that concept, maybe say “solidifying the knowledge that it wasn’t his body nor his actions.” When the man kneels beside the body, don’t tell the reader that the body is someone he knows. Let his actions tell the reader. Otherwise we won’t know how Rick knows that the two men have a connection. I think that when Rick first hears the language he shouldn’t realize it’s not one he knows and have him figure it out later. This is just my personal preference, however, so don’t feel obligated to do it. If the bodies are freshly slain, then they wouldn’t be rotting just yet. “The Numidian never finished his statement. (My suggestion: A smile marched across Titus’s face as he wiped the bloody blade on the sailor’s torn clothes.)”. As he looks in the mirror, you might want to change the wording, maybe something like “Rick glanced in the review mirror. Although the road was empty of traffic, he thought he’d caught a glimpse of headlights in the distance.” And why doesn’t this bother him? Personally, I would be wondering if I was hallucinating or going crazy.
I’m not sure what to think of Rick’s character. My only suggestion with him is to try to introduce the reader to him a bit more in the first chapter so they care about him more or are more intrigued. This could just be your writing style, though. If it is, then don’t worry about it. Hope this is helpful.
| DeviouslyDifferent chapter 1 . 5/19/2014
Though your writing is descriptive it seems unwarranted as simile after simile makes for confusing paragraphs where it is extremely unclear as to what is actually happening. Grammatical errors, particularly comma splice errors, make the writing lose what little flow your writing style has as the sentences become choppy and lose their intended meaning. Your character is not described within the chapter, excluding his clothing, which takes away from the character himself given that you are writing in third person and have the ability to describe the character without the limitations of first person. The first half of the chapter in particular is a slog as the use of flowery language makes each sentence become detached from the next. Furthermore, the repetition of articles at the beginning of sentences ("his" for instance) is extremely repetitive and should not be done for more than two sentences in a row as the readers eye is instantly drawn to the repeating words.
Although the concept is indeed interesting, albeit somewhat common, the amount of time it takes to understand the simplistic action of the main character driving a beaten down old van is so over explained that it is not enticing to continue through the rest of the chapter let alone into the rest of the story.
| Deactivated64 chapter 2 . 5/19/2014
Pretty good so far keep it up! From Nocturnal
| Guest chapter 13 . 4/27/2014
Really getting into this. Hopefully and update soon?