Reviews for Serious (As a Concussion)
Tw1nkl3t03s chapter 1 . 1/6/2016
Your writing is so smooth and constant. I love how well you portray their friendship and how he is always comparing her to his annoying sisters. You are a gifted writer and I can't wait to read the rest of your story
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 6 . 6/27/2015
I like Lauren. Though we don't get to see too much much of her, the glimpse we get here is positive, and it seems like she and Scott have a very easy and comfortable relationship. In some ways, she reminds me a little of Kelsey in her practicality and calm, helpful nature – which is further emphasized by Scott's wandering “You'd get along with Kelsey” statement.

I was very amused by Kelsey's quick dialogue and handling of Ryan. “Stick handling” and “spearing” - snrk. Smooth. And all right in the moment all casual like. XD Serves him right for his opening attitude, though – good to see her putting him on track right away. It's also another testement to how (like with trying to get onto the boy's soccer team and like with the “dressing nice” issue) Kelsey is always having to start two or five or ten steps behind, what with people making assumptions and starting her further away because she's female, and her having to work from there and prove something every step of the way just to get to the proper starting line with everyone else. Anyway, I digress. I enjoyed that scene.

I'm glad that nasty coach never got Kelsey into a dress and she stuck by her guns then, but then, when we do see her in a dress, it's sporadic and entirely because she wants to, because she feels like it and this is a moment that's important enough to her to make her feel like it. I think it's a nice little testament to her and Scott's relationship. Not that she's 'changing' for him or doing something that makes her uncomfortable for him, but because she felt like it here and decided to. Her slight uncertainty about it, too though, asking him (like, the event's nice enough, right?) when he mentions it, seems to fit, since this *isn't* the sort of thing she does often, it makes sense she'd have a twinge of uncertainty there, but still managed to be overall casual about it, and they didn't linger on it, moving on quickly, so...all in character and nicely handled.

Good chapter. :)

- Moonstar
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 5 . 6/27/2015
-gnashes teeth at that coach- Gah, that just makes me mentally bristle so much. I liked the scene (dealing with Kelsey dressing nicely) – I think it's relatable personally, as someone who is a lot like Kelsey in that regard (wearing simple clothes, jeans and large t-shirts, and rarely ever dressing up), and also true to society, which has very different standards of dress for guys and girls. The fact that she did dress up into what I would consider nice (putting on a nice blouse) but that wasn't enough because what he was basically saying was “wear a dress” just rubs me so much the wrong way as far as he's concerned. Like no, just, no, go fuck yourself. She did dress nice. She doesn't have to put on a dress for you. Get over it. -rumbles grumpily-

I love the ending scene. It's really great to see Kelsey excelling (cause damn, impressive), and Scott showing up for her even though she didn't tell him. I think it's telling that she didn't – she never seems to 'expect' anything at this point for what she does in regards to other people – i.e., always going to his games but not necessarily expecting him to show up for things important to her, excelling herself but not bragging or even necessarily treating what she does as a big deal...very humble and grounded person, and I like her a lot for that.

- Moonstar
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 4 . 6/25/2015
Scott is capable of great amounts of denial and cluelessness. While I don't think it's quite the right choice of phrase, it is almost like he takes for granted the closeness he and Kelsey share - maybe that is the right phrase. He's just so used to it and what they have is "just the way Kelsey is" to him, but he doesn't seem to appreciate quite how unique and genuinely *special* it really is. Hopefully losing something else really important to him (his gaming, since I am sure he won't be able to play again...) will help him to come to a realization on her front and work out a little more what really is important to him.

I'm amused that Kelsey's "worst" traits in Scott's mind are things that most people would consider extremely commendable and worthy of envy even if they wouldn't want to actually abide by that schedule themselves. xD Being able to get up early and get started productively is pretty grand. I also still enjoy the little, 'mundane' but earthly and important things between them - in this case, the way they handle the 'disappointing' time and encourage each other on to improve it.

I'm not sure exactly what purpose the newspaper girl served, but I thought the scene was very relatable, regardless. I've never been good at beefing up answers, either - I'll tell you what's what and that's it - nothing 'fantastical' going on, and it feels like that's how Scott was. This is what he does, it's not a miraculous thing with primo secrets to be had - but when Kelsey steps in and they talk more together than he did to the girl taking notes, I enjoyed the dynamic there. It was different than the 'girl who likes boy but isn't The One tries to talk to him only to be put in her place by the Right One when she (Kelsey) does make her appearance...' but it had hints of that. Just in how clearly comfortable Scott is with her, of course, but also how in synch they are - on the same page, while the girl trying to write the story just isn't clicking on that level.

I also really liked that Scott's need to compete/pride factor when it comes to Kelsey beating him at things has gone mostly (if not all the way) away. It doesn't seem to matter anymore that she's just a faster runner than him - it's a fact that he appreciates about her, which is nice. That level of honesty and comfort feels more mature than his younger selves and appropriate given their level of comfort with each other generally.

Nice chapter. :) I have finished reading the entire story now, just need to review it all. xD

- Moonstar
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 3 . 6/24/2015
Ben's convo with Scott is cute - not "unique" but very real and believable and gives valuable insight into Scott and Kelsey's relationship. I don't think I've said this yet, but I *really* enjoy how you aren't making it a romance for them - or, at least, it isn't one yet. It's not that Scott has had this 'secret crush' on Kelsey the whole time, he just respects her as a valuable friend. There are so few real male x female *friendships* that are really just that that it's refreshing to see. This isn't to say that I'd mind it if they eventually become a couple - I certainly expected that at first and still do on some level, they clearly are very important to each other - but I'm really pleased that right now, they manage to be very deeply important to each other on a clearly platonic level. Scott isn't feeling pangs of jealousy. He isn't territorial of her, nothing like that. He *does* feel what a friend would feel - wants her to be there for an important moment for him, but is willing to forego that if what she wants is to go to a dance. All of it works really nicely there and, again, really strengthens that relationship and gives a view to the reader of what they have.

I also like the scene with his sisters and the sandwiches. I think it's telling, again, that she's become a 'part of the family' - little details like her braiding his sisters' hair and the strawberry jam silently showing up really give the scene substance. And, again, it does so without making this a romance - she's practically family, and important because of all these other intimacies that aren't sexual. I enjoy that a lot.

The last scene caught me a little off-guard. I didn't realize Kelsey had issues in her home life - I'm not entirely sure if this *should* have been something at least hinted at earlier or not - it does seem to be fairly major, but on the other hand, this is only the third chapter, so maybe it's placed appropriately. She is managing well, especially for someone having to deal with these things at a younger age, but she does seem the sort of character who would - at the very least on the outside - cope well, so it fits her character.

I really enjoyed this chapter on the whole. Very emotional and powerful in small and big ways.

- Moonstar
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 2 . 6/21/2015
[He would know if Kelsey changes.] This is one of those instances where I feel like the "changes" feels weird. "He would know if she changed" or "had changed" sounds smoother to me - that or "He will know if Kelsey changes." That's the only thing that I noticed this time - all other usages flowed smoothly, tense wise.

I really liked the closing scene. I feel like, to date so far in this story, this is the first instance where we get real insight into how observant and intelligent Kelsey is in action. Sure, we've been told that she works hard and plays well, but until this point we haven't really seen in detail what makes her that way - it's just been Scott telling us. Here, she doesn't even like or play hockey, but she's paid attention, she knows how the 'right' way to do things looks and she's correcting him on a finer point even as young as she is there.

It's really telling and also, I think, gives insight into how much she cares about Scott. In order to know that much, she had to have been paying attention to hockey enough to get a sense, then followed him out even when she wasn't interested in playing herself, and then helping him in whatever way she could. So I really enjoyed that build-up of their relationship. Even that young, there's clearly a strong bond there that only develops over time, and you do a good job demonstrating that in practice.

- Moonstar
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 6/16/2015
I like how off-balance the opening feels, in all the right ways. While not confusing, it still gives the reader a strong sense of disjointedness, irregularity and uncertainty, which fits our narrator's current state. The scene builds up well with its mix of his pounding head, fuzziness, and painful noises that, under normal circumstances, would be nothing, which really puts us firmly into his shoes, 'looking through his eyes' so to speak and getting a sense for his state. All of it kind of trickles in and I think it sets the pace well and flows.

After the opener in present, I don't think the flashbacks flow quite as well in their prose. The tricky thing about writing in present tense is knowing when to use past tense - in your present tense narrative - so that it reads smoothly, and just having absolutely everything in present even when 'past' events (relative to what was going on in the narrative as it was being told) were being spoken of, made it feel odd to me on a couple occasions and kept throwing me off. (This isn't to say it happens all the time - you do use past tense appropriately a good bit of the time and I really should have made note when I first felt off-kilter 'cause now I can't find it...) But anyway.

I'll have to keep an eye out and catch this again sometime. I look forward to seeing Scoot and Kelsey further developed among other things. :)

- Moonstar
DarkWolfWavius chapter 1 . 5/11/2015
I really like how descriptive this story is because it helps paint a much better picture of the situation )

My only issue with this chapter is that there were a couple of grammar mistakes in a few of the sentences.

Aside from that, good job
pumadelic chapter 1 . 5/11/2015
I like the opening which throws you right into Scott's pov. Effective sensory language to communicate his confusion and pain then straight into the sporting backstory and Scott's history of concussion but carrying on.

The relationship with his mother and Kelsey is conveyed well through the present situation in the hospital and the flashbacks to his first meeting with Kelsey.

Your general style is plain, easy to follow and suits the narrator and you drop in backstory information - about the difference between 'tomboy' Kelsey and Scott's sisters - without fuss. l

The writing in the hospital scene is a bit more daring. You have words 'tasting fuzzy' in his mouth and the 'slowly trudging brain'. We perceive the presence of the others as he does, through sounds and actions and by inference .

I like the pace of this. I would want to find out more about the relationship...although I admit I'm not a fan of these kind of sports so that wouldn't be a motivator for me.
SenatorBlitz chapter 7 . 1/23/2015
*hulking sobs in the distance* this is sobs some more* from the *chokechokechokesputter* andand-

okay, i'm going to start from the beginning. i don't think i have the mental capacity to look at the parts of this that hurt just yet.

i am probably going to blab about this every single chapter that i get, but i really really do love how easy it is to get into these chapters. it is sort of like meeting an old friend. there is no awkward greetings and tip-toeing to remember where you fit - you just /slide/ into place at each others' side.

[That's what he tells Ethan instead of answering whether or not he hid a concussion] - this is probably my favorite line from the opening. also im really trying to pull out lines that I liked, because what author doesn't want to know about the things they did best? granted, it gets hard to do pull things out when all i really want to do is be swept in and possibly drowned.

the fact that Scotty remembers the dissolution of his and kelseys relationship as a simple falling out, hurt. for all the three minutes i believed it it hurt so badly. their friendship to me was like a beautiful unicorn glowing in the dark and i couldn't imagine that that beautiful unicorn had just been killed because, i dont know, you forgot to check on him and feed on him. their relationship is supposed to be the strongest force on earth - it cant just break. it /cant/. it had to have been something huge like i dont know, a war. or or shingles. or something. anything. not...they grew apart. so for the three minutes that i believed his retelling of events, i was actually a little messed up.

luckily, you have mercy, because you had ryan (who i love by the way because he was the one who helped with this) was the one who mentioned that kelsey had been a distraction to ryan's skating. when ryan went 'since when?!' i /also/ really wanted to know, since when. and my spirits lifted just a bit, because the mystery remained. because whatever had broken them was probably something much easier to fix than 'lack of interest'.

um, i can't really talk about the memory where he's all snappy at her over the phone. it was well written, but uh, no, i can't talk about it. :(:(:(:(

underneath my melodrama, however, i was able to appreciate the ways that you showed that though the relationship between kelsey and scott had deteriorated, there were still ways that they were both still a big part of each others' lives. like the way she has box seats the games, and of course this thing he didn't even remember about his skating. i think im just clinging to anything that makes my favorite friendship ship stay alive. anything. which is why ryan is my best friend right now. thank the lord for fucking ryan.

the entire time up until ryan was taking scott to kelsey's house, i swear i was biting the crap out of my nails. they look horrid now, btw. like really really bad. i think i'm going to have to get those fake ones. when she opened the door i wanted to run and throw my arms around her and hug her like an old friend, because she was /there/. she was finally there. i just - it was so much. leading up to her. bringing scott back here to where it all began.

the last scene i think is what killed me. that last line, seriously "im begging you to fucking fix it".

i'm begging you, author dear, please fucking fix it.

this is an awful place to stop. im dying to press the next chapter to read it and review it, but i've only got three chapters for now and i wouldn't want to cause a weird mismatch type situation. so i shall have to save the next chapter until next week.

this really is such a ride, and im so glad you wrote this story. i'd leave you a heart, but that might be getting a little weird...

also...the names lorrie and vits are so familliar. i feel like i remember them from your story 'across the ice'. is this from the same universe or am i just making things up to distract myself from this sadness.

SB
SenatorBlitz chapter 6 . 1/23/2015
review number two coming at you from the roadhouse!

moving scott out of the hospital took me by surprise. i think because we've spent so much time in it, i'd come to think of it as this magical place wherein he remembers his most important time in his life and can't run away from it. also i got worried because i thought that if he isn't in the hospital then kelsey would never be able to find him again and (to me) that was unacceptable.

however, however, i guess he can't stay in the hospital forever and the letter /did/ say that his mother knew where to find kelsey so-so-so *bites nails*

its good to see that scott is recovering, however. and they've released him from hospital so i'm hoping for a full recovery. i do not know a vast amount about sports injuries, but i hope that this concussion isn't going to ruin his career. from his memories as a child, there didn't seem to be anything else in particular that he was deeply interested in (except for kelsey. i reject his obliviousness). it makes me worry that if sports are taken away from him in the same way that kelsey is already gone that he might have a serious relapse of some kind. *nervous face*

i think i like lauren. actually, i feel kind of bad for the girl. all i have is kelsey in my brain, and next to her, all other girls fall kind of flat. it's not their fault, of course. not everyone can be kelsey - but at the same time. but, barring the fact that she isn't kelsey, which ive already mentioned isn't her fault, she is nice enough. i like how she effortlessly helps scott out of bed and understands his apprehension about ethan's temper.

the flashback this time was a little bittersweet. on the one hand, i loved seeing them as youngesters again, but on the other i could feel that they had/were growing up. we're coming closer to the giant rift that ruined everything and its scaring me. the fact that she wore a dress did not make me happy either. its like some horrid omen from the bowels of hades. i wanted it to go away somewhere where it couldn't find them :/

lovely writing as always. i feel like im just repeating myself, but it really was lovely. currently im not concentrating on it so much because i'm a bit distracted by everything that is going on. on a plot note, i find it so interesting that in a story that only has ten chapters you have left off the meeting between kelsey and scott for so long. i'm not complaining at all, because i love the way that you wrote this, but it is such an interesting decision. did you not worry, when you were writing it, that the reader might get bored with a second main character who doesn't even appear for the first six chapters?

or maybe you didnt, because you knew child kelsey and their relationship would be strong enough that you wouldn't /need/ to show her until later. *ponders this*

anyway, really enjoyed myself. one more chapter for tonight i think and then i must scurry off!

SB
SenatorBlitz chapter 5 . 1/23/2015
hullo again from the roadhouse! the last time i was at this story there were only four chapters to read, so imagine my joy to find that you'd posted six others! i'm not happy about that complete sign, though. not happy at all :/ this can't be over can it? i almost dont want to get up to the end.

anyway, as always this story is so easy to get into. i found myself remembering that cozy little bubble i always get into when i think of scott and kelsey. *happy sigh*, so as far as openings go this one was a great one to dip my toes into.

i think the introduction of jane was perfectly timed. previously, i remember only seeing her as a little girl, and then only as an aside to whatever kelsey and scott were doing. it is nice to see that she is also a well fleshed out character with her own personality. there are two ways that i love this introduction: 1) because it showed how close he still is with his sister. when he reflected on how she was still eight years old to him, my heart squeezed a little and i almost went to call up my siblings and tell them i loved them (im a terrible sap. also im hormonal. forgive me for emoting all over your page). 2) i love this introduction because it was the first indication (apart from the coach) that anyone knew about kelsey's return and what it could mean - the fact that she, as close to her brother as she seems, didn't tell him about it. the fact that she was going to leave out the last part of the letter she was reading. it's all curioser and curioser. it makes me think that whatever happened must have had such far reaching consequences that people are still walking on egg shells around it eight years later.

"no you're not" - when jane said this, i truly thought she had acquired the ability to read minds and was vetoing all the bs that was coming out of scott's brain (i.e. the foolishness about him not pining for kelsey. LE SNIFF). of course, she wasn't, but i can't help thinking you manipulated language to make it feel that way ;)

"a propos of nothing" - LOVE THIS. i also love how it leads into a discussion of how kelsey is and the way she dresses, which just melts /beautifully/ into the next flashback scene.

i always wonder how you pick these flashbacks. there doesn't seem to be some forced story arch reason to have the ones you choose and yet each one fits into its allotted space with almost scary precision - as if this is what it was born to be and where it was born to reside. i have not been disappointed yet, and these flashbacks join the ranks of that lack of disappointment.

i loved kelsey here, in the beginning. her clothes rebellion was just so awesome and such a beautiful way to display her character. i love that she wore the coach out in the end. there is some back bone to that girl. yes, okay, i admit it. i totally have a crush on kelsey. but i think it is more than i wish i had the stones to be as strong as she is. she's like my new girl idol in some ways.

"the kelsey he knew" - this phrase was ominous. ominous because we've been seeing the kelsey he knew for the last 4-5 chapters and it is hard to imagine her being anything else. she feels like one of those people who can't help being herself and cannot be anyone else - to imagine that anything could change her, gives me a queazy stomach.

luckily you didn't let me dwell too long. i actually loved having scott come out to one of kelsey's meets. reminded me of when they were twelve and she would make them both run. it was almost as if he were paying homage to twelve year old kelsey, coming to greet her in a way even though she wasn't that age anymore and now she ran without him (but really with him since he's there watching her).

ugh, you don't know how much i ship this friendship, do you. i ship it so damn hard. i wish i could wave a magic wand and make whatever happened all those years ago just...go away

SB
This Guy Again chapter 1 . 1/11/2015
Hello from the roadhouse! Returning a review you left me, and I'm sincerely sorry for how late this is! You caught me in the middle of a break from writing, but I'm back now, so here's the review I owe!

This was different, and in a good way. As I read it, I could really almost feel as though I were in Scott's position myself, trying to work out what was going on and make sense of things. You've done a good job of capturing the confusion that follows something like this. I'm also itching to know exactly what led to Scott being hospitalised.

This chapter was a great introduction to (I assume) the main characters, and the flashbacks serve as a good medium for showing us the history of Scott and Kelsey. Good job!
hamsterolive chapter 10 . 1/5/2015
THE END? I'm here already... :(

Firstly, I'm in love with how short this chapter is. You don't make it agonizingly long.

And also, I wasn't expecting the ending to be so - meaningful? It's definitely not the right word, but I digress - whatever it was. I almost died. :P It was perfect! It maintained the hollowed-out kind of feel, but it was kind of upturned. "Scott can do someday."

It's the equivalent of strawberry jam.

This story was beautifully done. There were minor grammar errors sprinkled here and there, like there are in everyone's work, but I didn't even really notice because the plot had me THE ENTIRE TIME. I cannot say the same about several published authors.

You had me hanging onto your every word. And it's a sports-themed story. How?

I guess the mystery of this phenomenon, in itself, is enrapturing on its own level. :)

Best,

-hamsterolive
M.R. Hill chapter 10 . 1/5/2015
Alright, this works really sweet for a "maybe ever after" type ending. I actually would love to see how things would evolve beyond this point, but at the same time, I feel this is a nice stopping point for the story. The callback to the dance earlier is a nice one and the chose of locale with the wedding is the perfect point. There is something about this I really like conclusion wise, like, how we don't know where it'll lead to but it's clear they're moving forward in an overall positive, healing direction. Plus I find myself hoping the best for them so well done!

This was overall a treat to read as a whole, I'm glad I did.
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