|Reviews for Serious (As a Concussion)|
| M.R. Hill chapter 9 . 1/5/2015
To build on some past commentary, you show and tell in just the right places. The way you keep the spotlight right on their relationship and the interactions and more all the stuff regarding hockey as a backdrop that just influences the plot is done incredibly well. I do love the pace at which this moves and hell, once again the sweet moments like the kiss cam part does leave me smiling.
Really, the way you write this is proof of something else I believe in storytelling. The darker elements are all the darker when you have a light to contrast it with (the light, in this case, being the foundation you setup earlier) and vice versa with the lighter moments being all the more meaningful when contrasted by darker stuff like the trauma he's gone through. Well done! Hell, I am rooting for them to get together at this point! I'm a romance SNOB at times when it comes to how romance is portrayed in stories - you should see the list of complaints I have - and you've managed to avoid each one of them as this has gone on. I am genuinely impressed.
| M.R. Hill chapter 8 . 1/5/2015
Shit! Scott's life is taking more and more of a turn for the worst. :( This is a depressing downward spiral to witness. It's so well executed there, I'm loving that! Actually, this has transitioned into more of a hurt/heal vibe to it, which I think really works well coming out of the slice of life/coming of age vibe before. Not just for variety, but because this does feel like the natural extension to things. With regards to their actual interactions, I'm finding it really sweet and
Also, I am definitely glad I wasn't able to predict the route most of this took. It's not just because of a lack of predictability, but just because I feel this story works for itself with certain ideas and blending well with what it wishes to do as opposed to being a generic story. Their moments are really sweet and it has just the right touches to it for the more down to earth elements. Also, at this point I could now see it transition to romance if it does and I wouldn't mind it so much.
| M.R. Hill chapter 7 . 1/5/2015
Well this was definitely the chapter I needed here! Damn this is starting to become heart wrenching to rad, especially given all the foundation built here. I messaged you my one theory and I'm starting to think it may be the case even more as I go on. Regardless, the part that really hit me the hardest was when she was mentioned earlier and he didn't remember anything about it. Just... damn.
I'm wondering how much he doesn't remember that might be blocking out something he might have said to her to push her away or whatever. I'm not certain... well, things have definitely picked up now, onto the next chapter!
| M.R. Hill chapter 6 . 1/5/2015
There is a part of me that's wondering if I forgot something or missed something here, so I'll just ask directly. Has it been said what she is doing during the summers that's so important? It's bugging me now for not remembering given the overall delivery of the line there. _
I'd say my only real "complaint" as this goes on and on is that the past is almost too relaxed and mellow with the slice of life/coming of age aspects to it. I absolutely love your delivery there, plus all the stuff in the present that hit on something happening to add to suspense of what helps big time, though there is a part of me that really wants to just get to whatever it is already. The foundation so far feels remarkable, you captured childhood friends aspect really well, and so forth.
Of course, this just be my tastes when it comes to things and I could just be being impatient here, but it's overall where leaning as. As much as I like character stuff, I do feel this is weaker on the side of progressing plot. More each past interactions has a similar vibe to me, just at different ages as they get a little older. The delivery is great, but at this point, I'm starting to want a taste for a little more variety. Beyond that though, the mystery of it all is retaining my interest!
| M.R. Hill chapter 5 . 1/5/2015
Damn the suspense is starting to drive me crazy! I'm seriously wondering what the hell could have happened to turn things sore between them. Or hell, why there is so much of a divide now. Let's see, time to do some brainstorming... I feel there has been a lot of emphasis on how much of a tomboy she is and such. Hmm... she's a man now! D No, actually, that doesn't sound right. My only guess given the romance entry and how we've seen purely his outlook on things, I'm guessing unrequited love. That's pretty much all I can come up with so far.
Also, small note, the parenthesis there at the end, doesn't really seem to be all that needed. That's just my opinion though.
| hamsterolive chapter 9 . 1/4/2015
Last review, when I said there were no words.
Multiply by twelve. Thousand.
That's where I am right now.
Bringing back the strawberry jam? The scene beneath the oak tree? O. M. G.
The only thing I had a problem with was Carrie. I think I was just about as lost as Scott was the entire time, and even when it finally clicked for him, I was still like, "uh...huh." I'm always like that when family trees and things like that happen. Once you bring in the "two times removed" sort of stuff, I'm entirely up the creek.
That ending. You're really trying to make me cry, I think.
Well, I have news for you: I refuse. *sniffles*
At least until the next chapter. When it all ends. :(
I might cry then.
| hamsterolive chapter 8 . 1/4/2015
Only two more chapters until the end...poo. :(
I had thought there were four more, for some reason. Maybe it's because twelve is my lucky number? I dunno.
Aside from that, this chapter did not disappoint. I have two favorite spots, and can't decide between the two. So I'll tell you why I love them both equally. :D
The first one? Scott walking to Kelsey's and staying even though she's not there. It's making me feel a little bit better about their situation. Like warm fuzzlies better.
And the second: the picture frames. OMG.
There are no words. (Which, I know, doesn't make for a helpful review.) So I'll just ask a question in parting: nothing truly devastating happened between them, right? They just kind of fell apart? I mean, Kelsey is obviously not the type of person to lord it over him, the fact that he forgot her birthday ONE time.
But if that's the case, why did she tell his mom not to tell him that she was in town? Surely she can't really believe that she was a distraction to him, can she? (That's a bit tragic in its own way... D:) And is that why she changed her number on him?
So many questions. But I still think that's good. It adds to the anguish - the best element in every story, IMO - and suspense.
Kind of dreading the last chapters. In the best possible way, mind. Like "bingewatching The Walking Dead on Netflix and coming up on the final season finale" dread.
I don't want it to be over.
Extraordinarily done, this sports-themed thing. I forever high five you.
| hamsterolive chapter 7 . 1/2/2015
Okay, so I didn't get a perfect three in one day. But I was close. :/
Anyway, I love this chapter too. I have no idea what else to say. The realism of it, and the biting wit between Ryan and Scott...that was actually some of the most funny stuff I've read yet. XD
But you also darkened it up, towards the end. Which, as I'm sure you could predict, is where I fell head over heels in love with this story (I thought I had before, but nope. This proved me wrong-in the best possible way).
"'What are you trying to say, Ryan?' Kelsey sounds so far away.
'I'm begging you to fucking fix it.'"
That actually takes the cake. Even with the sweet stories of the friendship Scott and Kelsey share, this is my absolute favorite spot in the entire story. (So far. ;D) I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's so succinct and ominous?
I'm clueless. But it was nothing short of genius.
Oh, also: I thought bringing about those F bombs added to the depth of the world you've created. I didn't realize it until now, how much I expected hockey players to curse. But now that it's in there, well.
I've been blown away.
| hamsterolive chapter 6 . 1/1/2015
Two times in one day! XD
Okay, so I don't know why I love this chapter so much, but I do. I'm smiling like an idiot. Perhaps it was the spearing? That was pretty great. And the "Depends on what your definition of hockey is" line.
But I also really love the drafting thing. That Kelsey showed up in a dress, too...that was a pretty nice touch. :D The entire scene was perfect.
I have a question, too: Is Lauren his friend? I mean, I guess since she's one of his team member's fiancees...but on a personal level? For a lot of the time I was really worried that she was going to help Scott into the shower...the whole time I was like, "no no no no no no no". But that is likely just the way I think. 9_9
One last thing: I don't know how you got all those symbols on the Russian names-there's a reason that all of my characters have some of the easiest names to spell :P-but I think you deserve props for it. So...props!
Okay, wait. I lied. There's one more thing: From the previous chapter, Kelsey wrote Scott a note. I'm just wondering if she was really too pissed at him to say goodbye in person? She already came to see him...technically.
(I'm not trying to get you to tell me what happened between them... Probably.)
Hoping to get around to chapter seven tonight (and shoot for a perfect three chapters in one day),
| hamsterolive chapter 5 . 1/1/2015
Hey, it's me again!
Finally. Maybe I haven't figured out what happened between Scott and Kelsey, but I DO get to see how he'd landed himself in the hospital. Of course there's this added set of questions...the whole lip biting thing when Scott asks Jane about the accident; he knows she's holding something back. Perhaps about how bad it was?
He can still feel his legs and things, which is good. But...maybe something else has happened to him? I dunno.
Other than a few small grammatical errors, there isn't much to critique you on. There were a couple of repetitive spots...in the end, when Scott says Kelsey's name three times in a row. (That's probably just me, though. People hardly ever call me by my name.) And one more, when Scott is saying how Jane reminded him of when she was eight.
Also, I wish you would suck a little more at suspense building. I'm making myself write a chapter before I read one of yours, but it's difficult because I just want to KNOW. It's in the back of my head all the time: what happened, what happened, what happened?
You're making me more productive, I swear. I wrote for six hours straight last night so that I'd be able to get up and read this. :)
Great job as always,
| hamsterolive chapter 4 . 12/28/2014
Okay, so I promised myself I'd write one more chapter before reading this again, otherwise I would never get anything done. :)
It's just so good, though. I can't stay away from it.
I was really hoping to find out what happened between Scott and Kelsey in this chapter, but no. I'm beginning to think you're holding that off until the very end...which, I guess, you're generally supposed to do as a good writer...but I just HAVE to know. With every passing chapter there's a little bit of dread inside of me, like all of this fun they have is just building up, up, up only to come all the way back down in a burning heap.
Especially with the last line. "Everything with Kelsey is just routine." I feel like that had a dark edge to it. Perhaps this is what happens to them, he takes her for granted? I don't know... :(
Anyway, my favorite part of this one was the scene where they made up their handshake. Every time I read something like this, I have no idea how to react, how to re-state what I've already said before. But it was...I don't even know. Phenomenal? Have I used that one yet?
I read it four times, just because it made me happy. You know how to write a closeness to another person that I don't think I could ever replicate, with a tenderness that isn't romantic but still loving. Somehow you can make a bond between two characters like this, and I am left reeling.
I stand by what I said to you in a PM: this needs to be in print. Actually, probably anything you write should be in print, I don't even care what it is at this point.
| M.R. Hill chapter 4 . 12/28/2014
I actually really liked seeing these flashbacks, there still as sweet as ever to follow. A part of me is starting to wonder what Kelsey's feelings towards him are since, well, she could just be really good at hiding things. Not sure... Still, at any rate, Scott seems definitely content in what they have as of now.
Also, the use of the recollections between the present and past I'm starting to get a hang of now. It definitely is nice and I like that use of things plot wise really.
| hamsterolive chapter 3 . 12/28/2014
What can I say that I haven't said before?
This chapter is my favorite by far. Particularly the last bit. And the last line was absolutely perfect. A nice bow on everything leading up to this point. I'd venture so far as to say it's genius, and simply gorgeous.
I really wish you had written my childhood. I never had friends like this.
For real. I almost cried at the end. I've managed to fend off the tears as of yet, but there's no telling. And on that note, the divorce? Never, ever have I seen it portrayed so well.
I have to move to something else.
Other than the heartbreaking things, some of my favorite spots: Kelsey's nails. The dirt. Followed by this line: "Reason one hundred and one why Kelsey hasn't changed." I laughed so hard that people started looking at me funny in Starbucks. :/
Also: The best illustration of their friendship is when Scott says to Hershey that he and Kelsey were closer than the hockey team. I've never been on a sports team, but I have been in a really strong marching band program, which I like to imagine has the same camaraderie. That was a really nice touch.
If there were any grammatical/syntax errors, I missed them. I was overwhelmed by everything else.
Very nicely done. Seriously.
| hamsterolive chapter 2 . 12/28/2014
Hi! Returning your review!
It's a real shame...I'll have to make this short. I'm really impatient to get to the next chapter. :P
Firstly, this was so incredibly good. Aside from a few minor grammatical errors, this chapter was even better than the first one. I'm smiling like an idiot right now. Everything about it was spot-on. The friendship you've created between your MCs is absolutely perfect. You've made something that is tangible and biting, but somehow tender at the same time.
I'm dying to figure out what estranged them from each other. Hopefully the big reveal is in the next chapter.
I do have one question, though: in the last section, Kelsey is six? I thought Scott decided he would play hockey some time later. When they were in middle school. The only reason I get this impression is because he tells her, in the tree, about his decision and she asks about getting onto the soccer team in high school.
...It just occured to me that Scott could have wanted to play hockey for a really long time...sorry about that. I was being stupid. :)
On a final note, that last scene that you have: my favorite part is when Kelsey is telling Scott how to play hockey. "I think you're not doing the wrist thing right." I'm not sure why that struck me, but it did.
Really, fantastically written. Keep it up! :)
| M.R. Hill chapter 3 . 12/28/2014
The more and more I read things, the more I am having trouble picturing anything romantically between these two. It genuinely feels like a platonic friendship and honestly, at this point, a part of me wishes for it to remain that way. The reason why is because I'm so used to two characters of opposite gender who are the protagonists of something winding up together that I just feel like this would stand out more for not doing that. Also, this is really relaxing as a slice of life type of story really.