Reviews for Serious (As a Concussion)
Jitterbug Blues chapter 7 . 8/5/2014
OMG OMG I actually might have been right XD. This story is screwing with me, I swear. All those hints and the teasing, but I still will keep my lips sealed till you finally reveal just what the hell is going on XD. But towards the end of this chapter, I was mostly sitting here grinning and just hoping I could read the next chapter, just so I'd figure out what happened not only to Scott, but between him and Kelsey. Anyhow, I'm worried about the fact that Kelsey said 'what's left of his brain'. That hints at something bad, possibly dangerous ): Anyhow, I'm really eager if she'll help him to be fixed, or whether she'll drop him, like he seemed to have dropped her once.

Anyhow. This chapter was actually a brilliant mix of quiet tension and a lot of bitter realism here and there. What I mean by that is the scene, for example, where Kelsey phones a Scott who's suffering from a hangover. It's terrible that he's so mean and snippish with her, especially when he doesn't mean to be. And it's awful that she takes it to heart, and that you know she'll hold a grudge against him for being so distant. I just feel ...that it's often like this: you get busy, you have other things running, and you become mean when people you are close to express too much concern. Then you snap, though you don't mean to (and often don't realise how mean you were until it's too late). Again, I'm overanalysing, perhaps, but I thought that this scene was quite realistic. Actually, it hit rather close to home, and it even hurt reading this. But then, I don't blame Scott: he's young, he is in the NHL and it's only natural that he'd want to hang out out with his team members.

Again, the present day scenes make me wonder: are people hiding things from him? He's confused, and I'm just as confusing, trying to piece all those segments together. We know that he and Kelsey stopped talking some months after he got drafted, and there's a hint that he screwed up, but we still don't know how (though the others, most especially Ethan) might know. It's frustrating. I feel like they are not telling him things to spare him/not making this whole ordeal more dangerous for him. I don't know XD I'm only grasping at straws now. Anyhow, the present scenes were great in this chapter, from him getting all suspicious and confused in the first scene, to Ryan visiting him. Adorable Ryan! :D

I just loved the dialogue between him and Ryan, what with Ryan being all ':D mashed potatoes', and Scott saying that he looked better after the operation. I liked how the dialogue hinted at the happenings/events taking place in AcT, without being too explicit - new readers might feel tempted to check AcT but don't have to, because it's not so important to the events taking place here. Anyhow, I just liked their interaction a lot and I like how it led to the last scene :D :D :D. Again, I feel like people have been keeping things from Scott, and the last scene left me with a lot of questions and assumptions: Kelsey seems to know Ryan, Ryan might have had some sort of impromptu plan, and yeah...again, I can only speculate.

I think I'll end this review with saying that I really liked this chapter plot and character-wise. Of course, I also liked it writing-wise, but that's a given :P
Jitterbug Blues chapter 6 . 8/5/2014
So a lot of old faces appeared here :D I was especially pleased at seeing Ryan :D. I don't know what it is, but you just described him so well here, what with him seeming crazy and just a bit too keen to make friends with everyone (not that it's a bad thing, but I can see how it can be annoying XD). At the very least, I enjoy how Scott describes him as having a few screws loose in his head XD. I also liked seeing Vits again, given how he was so important in AsF. I like that Scott has no feelings on him, because it fits: Vits is very reserved at first. But yes, I enjoy all the crossovering, because it makes me remember your past stories and shows just how multi-connected your verses are without any of the past characters taking too much of a focal role in your current piece. I also like how you always briefly describe who is who, because it can get a little confusing to have so many characters XD.

Hmm, again, I can't really say much about the plot, because the plot revolves so heavily around Kelsey and Scott, and his present attempt to try and remember what happened/reflect on their past. I do like how this chapter focused a bit more heavily on the present though, what with Scott lying in bed, and being pretty helpless. I felt that your descriptions here were very realistic, capturing that essence of boredom and dullness that takes over when you really spend way too much time in bed. It really does seem like time itself stops bearing any meaning. And I also think you captured the apathy that one gets during such a state quite well. Scott seems tired here, both emotionally and physically. That's why I'm all the happier that he has someone to at least check up on him.

OH, I forgot to mention this chapter actually dashed my former theories XD. Seems like I was getting too eager last time, but anyhow: I'm really, really eager to know just how he and Kelsey stopped being close, given that they are still good friends before/during graduation. It's telling that she visits him, and that he feels protective towards when Ryan (:D!) hits on her. I know that it's more of a brotherly instinct, but it could be something else …

Because I noticed that, for one, when she dresses up in this chapter, he doesn't think it's weird, but just notes that it's short and even compliments her on it. Sure, it's not an OMG you are hot reaction, but I do think there's a subtle hint of his realising she's attractive there. I don't know: maybe I'm too eager, but I like to think that I have noticed some sort of change there :) I also like the hint of this being Jane's dress, and Kelsey finally feeling like putting it on, which brings me to the next point I definitely feel that Kelsey is in love with Scott, and that she gave up on her trip to see him get into this team.

I'm not saying that my interpretation is correct: it could just be a friend thing, but it's telling that she put on a dress, and that's she's there for him. I actually feel like the past few chapters have subtly hinted that she feels drawn to him, but just hasn't confessed it yet. I kind of worry that their fall-out had something to do with her feelings for him ):

But yes, it's nice to see the plot thickening: with him getting into the team things are bound to change, and I'm off to read the next chapter :D!
Jitterbug Blues chapter 5 . 8/5/2014
I'm sorry I'm far too distracted to make this a proper review, yet alone a 'Depth' review with all its pesky 'requirements'. Besides, there isn't that much I really want to focus on here apart from the characters and the relationships, but that's not a bad *thing*, given that the entire premise of this story revolves around the relationship that Scott shares/has shared with Kelsey. I find it interesting how memory comes into play here, what with him dipping into the past and trying to restructure what they had together without ever commenting on it (it's all narrated in the present tense, making it nigh indistinguishable from the events taking place in the past). I like that: it makes for for more compelling storytelling, because the reader is left as clueless as Scott himself when it comes to his emotions for Kelsey - and however they progressed into the 'present'. There are hints that there was some sort of estrangement process going on, but we still don't know *how* that came to be. Sorry, rambling, but I really like how you're telling this story so far :D It's very light on the surface, but I already think the plot is quite complex, what with the technique I mentioned and the fact that anything could have happened with the two :P

(I had some theories in this chapter, actually. For example, it's strange how Scott's little sister seems so familiar with Kelsey's antics and when she mentions her, doesn't seem too defensive. It's like she's used to talking about her. I don't know. I just got an idea that I won't mention because it's silly, and I'd have to re-read everything from before to, you know, test out the validity of it XD. But yeah, what I'm mentioning is that it's quite fascinating to try and gather all the bits of info here and there XD).

I really like those scenes in the present, because they establish how close Scott is to his family: you get the idea that he wants to protect Jane, even if she's a young woman now. I like how she teases him, but also seems genuinely worried about his sake. You can tell there's a lot of love there - it's nice to read about, really nice because so many stories nowadays focus on dysfunctional families. The fact that Scott shares such a warm bond with sisters is beautiful.

I liked the scenes between him and Kelsey in the past too, because of the rising tension. You can tell that Kelsey is being pressured into being a 'proper' woman, which I find annoying. It's terrible how no one cares about what men look like, but that women are always subject to looking 'proper' and 'pretty'. I think it's annoying how Kelsey is being molded into something she might herself not necessarily want to be. I also like how Scott thinks it's odd to see her in skirts or dresses, which again establishes how he sees her as one of the guys. I still think that's very realistic, because a) he grew up with her, and b) he's not going to turn star-struck just because she dresses differently one time. So, what I'm saying is that I liked how you avoided cliches here, what with Kelsey not turning into a beautiful swan all of a sudden, and Scott still thinking she looks odd once she 'dresses' up (LOL). It's the realism of your stories that I really appreciate.

I love the emotional focus in the last scene of this chapter: the disappointment that comes with not being told something important, and Kelsey and Scott on the brink of separation. There's a bit of a bittersweet feeling in this last scene: Scott watching Kelsey run, them hugging later. It's all very tentative and subtle, like he knows they are going to part soon (my theory is that he lets a bit of those feelings from the present seep into his view of the past here). Possibly, I'm just overanalysing, but I really think that was a lovely scene, writing wise. 333.

Yeah, onto the next chapter :D
alltheeagles chapter 6 . 8/4/2014
For the RG EF

Whoa... it IS them! The Cotes! Now I’m trying to remember, did Scott have a major role in the Riley-Grace saga? I don’t think so... so this is a back story to ATI? Or just a companion piece that focuses on Kels and Scott?
Anyway, I like the easygoing interaction between Kels and Scott – I’d just about had enough of his mopping and Kels’ entrance just brightened everything up. I assume that Scott has stopped having flashbacks and the events in this chapter are happening in the present. Otherwise I’m going to get a headache figuring out the chronology of events. I continue to like Kelsey as a character. She is, as Grace and Erin were, a strong, independent female character, but I rather like that you’ve downplayed her childhood tomboyishness somewhat, because that makes her less intimidating to me.
alltheeagles chapter 5 . 7/3/2014
For the RG EF

Up to now, I have the impression that Scott can’t remember anything but then I suddenly realised that this isn’t the case. So I’m beginning to wonder about Scott’s amnesia, since it seems to be quite... selective? Maybe it’d be helpful at some point for him to muse over what he remembers and what he doesn’t. Or is it the whole point that he’s not sure what he remembers and is trying to piece it together? Well that works too! I like the ‘past’ sequences better than the ‘present’, generally. They’re like little slices of life, and have a comforting feel about them. The name Cotes makes me start thinking as well. Any relationship to Lorrie’s brothers? :P
alltheeagles chapter 4 . 7/2/2014
For the RG EF

I like that Kelsey and Scott don’t agree on everything, because that’s realistic. They’re different and yet they can be friends – that’s a great foundation for romance, if it’s part of the equation. On that front, I’m beginning to go hmm... you didn’t exactly state that they were in love or anything, so maybe what Scott is trying to figure out is the exact nature of their relationship? Scott’s remark on how Kelsey ‘isn’t exactly a girl’ is interesting – any ‘regular’ girl would find that incredibly insulting, I think, but Kelsey seems to take it in her stride, so it makes me wonder, does she REALLY not take it to heart, or is she hiding her true feelings? I think generally I just like the idea that a guy and a girl can be really good friends, but the rest of the world WOULD insist on reading more into it, probably.
Sya Rael chapter 5 . 6/29/2014
I owed you a review. I am sorry I took thins long, but I haven't been around Fictionpress for a while. I have to say I am in love with this story, and I really, really, really, want you to update it. I can tell that what Scott and Kelsey have or had went much deeper than a friendship. I really loved this, and I want to know where you will take this story. UPDATE PLEASE!
-A.A.B
alltheeagles chapter 3 . 6/27/2014
For the RG EF

I think you do a good job so far showing Kelsey as not some freak but just a girl who likes sports. That Ben wants to ask her to the dance shows that she isn’t considered one of the guys by everybody (just Scott), but she also refuses for a practical reason: not being a good dancer, rather than “I’m not pretty enough” or something like that. Overall, I like the relationship you’ve built up between them. There is firstly the bond of companionship, but below that there is just enough of a hint of romance to make me want to root for them. Good job!
cybersheep chapter 4 . 6/7/2014
roadhousecybersheepsentorblitzetcetcetc...kk done. now review

funny thing about routine, it sort of starts to become something you depend on, like breathing. you don't think about it because it is always there, but as soon as it stops - you notice. because you depended on it. because it was routine. i really like the way that this chapter revolved around this concept and how in a way symbiotic these two kind of were to each other. the other thing about a routine that is interesting however is that because it is a routine, you notice when it is gone but you don't necessarily realise why. but enough philosophising.

this line: 'they haven't been doing this since they were twelve because kelsey's still twelve". for some reason i found this hilarious. i think it is because he's being so petty and frustraty because he wants to go to bed but his best friend is not allowing it. i love the way that it fits with the tone he described earlier that they do not always get along but even still they always make up right afterwards. it's a like a glimpse into their psychology but not in a manner that is heavy handed and off-putting. rather it makes a relationship that many people may not have ever had seem real and tangible and human. their relationship is human. ugh, i'm having a bit of a friendship-ship. ugh i need to stop. but anyway, i loved the description of them running and them setting their own goals etcetc. i am kind of fascinated right now how you manage to make mundane things seem interesting, but i think it might be because it is them doing it? for eg, i could watch joseph gordon levitt pluck lint of a cat for hours...maybe the mundane is fascinating because they are? in either case, you have beautiful turns of phrase in this - i can't remember all of them, but i did find myself going a few times "damn, why didn't i think of that? that...that's glorious!"

the coach trying to get scott to recognise the other layer to scott and kelsey's relationship was brilliantly executed. i am left at a strange impasse where i do not know if scott just wants to reject the notion that he and kelsey were special in a way that is noteable, or he really doesn't know? exactly how hard did he hit his head? my other thought is that maybe he is shying away from the idea mentally because of what happened. which brings me to sadface. i don't think i want to know what happened. can they just remain in this happy time forever? i like them happy and friendly and sunshining. to think that a relationship this strong could have been rent...just *stomachcramps*

the last scene with the newspaper reporter, i do have questions about. at first i thought the girl was secretly trying to ask scott about but then got cock blocked. now i wonder in terms of girls - did scott ever have any? or is that for me to discover later? continuing on from that, from a writer's stand point what was the point of the interview scene that was constructed. Don't get me wrong, i really really liked it, but my dense brain failed to see how it furthered the development of the characters beyond reiterating things they felt about each other that we already knew? i have a few theories but they aren't very good - mostly about scott talking more about his routines and how kelsey is one of them and has always been one of them? possibly setting up for a time when she won't be so routine? im not sure. anyway, this is just my lowly reader self asking for the inner workings of the authors mind *le kowtows*.

and yes, the ending. you know its perfect. i dont have to say a thing because you already /know/ sniff.

there are now no more chapters and i am sad. great read though . hope there is more soon!

cybersheep/senatorblitz!
cybersheep chapter 3 . 6/7/2014
yadayadayada roadhouse yada cybersheep yada senatoblitz...yada

fuck preamble. the feels this chapter. what the hell are you trying to do to me? i am trying.../trying/ to be a coherent human being but you hit me in the gut. their friendship. omgtheirfriendship. its this...this golden /beautiful/ thing and all i want to do is wrap the two of them in my arms and marvel at its...not purity, i hate the word purity but at its innocence and its undying loyalty and the appreciation and. i can't with this. i cant. fuck romance, this...this is everything. a true, true friend. *wells up again*. effing damn you.

okay. lets start at the beginning. i was a little bit confused when the scott says that 'they were six' in response to the comment that they used to rag on each other all the time, because in the scene that follows they definitely aren't, but i think i figured it out. the coach was responding to the story before at the icerink (in all its adorable glory). but anyway, that was a nice tie in i think to the last chapter and at least, reaction wise was interesting. because i know, for damn well sure, this coach has to be worried out of his mind about scott and yet here he is making little jokes at him, almost like trying to cheer him up and distract him from something horrible. it's meant to be sweet but it makes me heart ache. either that or im a damn softie. yeah im a softie.

sidebar - so im a bit of an idiot. i read the summary but somehow my uh mind missed the fact that it tells exactly what occured to have an accident i.e. drove with a concussion accident. achem. but, but i do like it better this way as i got to discover things with scott and work through the denial that "it couldn't be the concussion. he passed the test. it has to be something else. soemthing less bad". i also think there might be more wrong, but yes, just in case you were worrying that i was an idiot (which i am, but that's besides the point) i do understand what is going on with him now.

moving on! haha, so this is bad, but i knew the minute ben asked if kelsey would go with him to the winter ball that the answer would be a no. i didnt know why exactly - it was just a feeling. i think it might have been the implication that scott wasn't going. two two are joined at the hip as the title of the chapter goes, there is no way one would go somewhere without the other - /especially/ kelsey. i also love that scott was trying - i think he was trying - to not totally manipulate her time by actually putting in a bit of effort into seeing if she'd at least try to go with ben, but in the end was relieved when she did not. bahaha.

i think i might have a crush on kelsey a bit. i mean i love scott too because he's an all round decent guy, but kelsey, the way he describes her - she is so /alive/ and present and i adore her energy. and the way she answers by slamming the cupboard doors and how she is a mooch in the kitchen and makes sandwhiches just so and teases but with finesse like a surgeon. we haven't had a discussion of what her face looks like but i bet its a kind face - she sounds like a very kind person. probably why both the sisters love her.

and now we get to the part where you decided that growing my heart three sizes wasn't enough - you decided to rip it out. preceding this part, i really enjoyed scott's commentary on what a great friend to him kelsey was and how he couldn't understand it but instead tried to repay it by being good to her. it was a great lead in to the scene with her jumping through his window at two am. i hate how you made that seem so innocuous. so much like just a silly prank she'd play - jumping into her friends room at 2 am. i hate how i was so unprepared for her to cry as she realised her home was falling apart. i think i shook a little bit because, no one should cry like that, no one should feel sad like that and then when scott contemplated her leaving...its a good thing i went and got tissues in preparation for something like this.

and then you ended it with the perfect line. it seemed like such a throwaway line before - the strawberry jam, but now it means...so much. and it perfectly encapsulated everything.

in general thoughts i think what i really like about this story so far is how much small gestures mean, not just to the characters, but to us the readers. in your way you make us notice the details and when it is unveiled the gravity behind those details you knock us out of our chairs and we just tremble because.../how did we miss that/.

anyway. i have more thoughts but i think i will forgo them and read the next chapter instead. there is only one more :/
cybersheep chapter 2 . 6/7/2014
so i have a problem with punctuation in that...i dont use it properly. so i formally apologise for any confusion this might bring up.

anyway, here at the second chapter and i am not disappointed in the slightest. i think i'll go down through the scenes and discuss my varying thoughts on each one. the first scene with dan (i think it was dan) discussing kelsey's legs was actually pretty funny. it reminded me of how sometimes girls do not see certain boys, especially ones who are really close friends, as boys. i mean anatomically you understand that it's a boy, but its not a "boyboy". what this does is make kelsey and scott's friendship much more realistic in a way. they almost grew like brother and sister and they interact in the arena of sports and jabbing and telling stories and laughing. it is pretty much a bromance without a bro (oh and i think i might have died when he described her sock tan. omg!). i like that that wasn't sacrificed for the sake of romance. if romance does come from this point it will be natural and i really appreciate that. i also thought it was cool that you showed us the drill practice and how kelsey is perceived by the rest of the team? as this girl has not (until this point) been given a true voice of her own, we can only percieve her through others. what i got from Dan was that kelsey is good looking, but possibly unaware of it since he doesn't outright say anything. What i got from her and scott is that she is competitive - but not meanly. It is almost as if she is always pushing to make people better, because she can't get better if the people around her aren't or something. What i got from her interaction with Dan is that the girl is /hella/ good at her sport. I don't know why, but that lil bit was empowering. It might be me having a little 'girlpowah!' power trip, but i genuinely felt good. in my mind i was there at the sidelines with scott cheering her on and being PROUD because that was our girl showing her /stuff/.

from there you perfectly transitioned into the scene with his coach. i particularly enjoy how the concussion affords a believable way to travel between the past and the present seemlessly. you don't even have to do the weird italics thing that i rely on for it because you've the perfect set up. the past feels like the past and the present feels like the present and you do not need to deliniate a specific door or reason that you're going to either because...hello concussion. so high praise and kudos for that. but back to the scene, i hate the way everyone is tiptoeing around scott. its making me nervous. and the fact that he, himself, doesn't seem a hundred percent sure makes me want to sing that song from eurotrip - "scotty doesn't know, scotty doesn't know, so don't tell scotty, scotty doesn't knowwww" - but of course with the sombreness that befits the situation. achem. the introduction of kelsey again was also brilliant. you kept with the earlier theme where she seemed more 'shade'/'delusion' than real and when she materialised and /was/ an actual person, i swear i let out a whoop of relief. i really want to know why she has to talk to scott later and what all the pills are about. so many questions. so few chapters. *bites nails*

the last scene, oh the last scene. abso-fucking-adorable. the dialogue in this part cannot be stressed enough. just every bit of it was age appropriate and funny but /deep/ so deep and meaningful i think i cried. i would have seen this scene in a movie and fucking died. i have...a weird soft spot for like perfect friendships and this triggers all of them. i think my fave line would be this bit of the exchange

[["i know, but you can do better," kelsey repeats. "i think you're not doing the wrist thing right."

hating for a moment, scott just stares at her. he thinks she is trying to help him, but he isn't sure.]]

i know i'm a weirdo but that bit. *squees*.

oh, just a thing, the heaviness that i described last chapter (that appears mostly when im half dead) did not exist here at all. it read smoothly from start to finish. i think i could have tackled this if i was having a concussion myself! very very nicely done.

off to the next chapter!

cybersheep/senatorblitz
cybersheep chapter 1 . 6/7/2014
hullo there! this is the senatorblitz third of cybersheep. my co-writer usually reviews your other story (across the ice) and since i didn't want to make things too complicated i thought i would review this for the roadhouse? it only has four chapters and i feel i can give more up to date feedback on it than just reviewing the first chapter of a story that has 13 chapters (which from experience can be annoying :/). anyway, sorry for the long preamble!

I personally really like the way that this began discussing a headache and a concussion. I feel a lot like Scott does where you hear the word concussion thrown all over the place, but it never ever seems like its that bad. You never think that you're the one that it's going to take its dangerous toll on. We're left in blissful delusion with Scott as he tries to figure out what is going on. I also love how we're given glimpses of his life and who he is all through the lens of this 'headache/concussion' and how his mounting worry starts to match his. Because no one should have a headache that long. And a headache can only be a stress headache for only so long and whythefuckwashedrivinginpain. When I realised how fucked he was (well...as much as I can know from this point) I really felt the way his mother did, when you want to tell bad news to someone you love and you can't quite do it. yes i love scott. we've only just met but its love at first sight.

i also thought the way you wove in kelsey was above and beyond creepy. i think it might have been the way that the mother didn't seem to want to confirm that she was there. all it would have needed would be a simple yes and even that she wouldn't give. so i am left to wonder...is that the ghost of kelsey? is that someone who just looks like her? or is scotty delusional and seeing people who arent there - hence his mother's worry? thematically, it was also great to have there because with scott thinking /about/ kelsey we had a great jump off point to discuss their meeting in the past and the way that their relationship progressed. i particularly liked that you were so efficient with their first meeting. Not only did you characterise kelsey perfectly in such a short scene, but you also gave us the starting point to a beautiful relationship. From that scene alone i understand what these two were to each other and even if we never delve deeper into it I will know that kelsey to scott was special.

the last scene describing him wanting to play hockey had all the air of a bad premonition of something. i felt the...disquiet in kelsey's response and her voice as if something fundamental was about to change. given that scott is now in hospital with what might possibly be a sport related injury, one wonders if this is not the butterfly that beat its wings and started that typhoon.

as far as writing goes, i think your style is deceptively heavy. i think i'd read the beginning a few times when i was tired, and my brain could not hold a thought. however, reading it now in the morning where i am much more refreshed it flowed beautifully between thought and prose and dialogue. i wouldn't presume to tell you how to write or even to change anything about your writing, but i thought you'd appreciate knowing about the effect of the opening?

either way, good job on this opening! i am off (with glee) to the second!
alltheeagles chapter 2 . 6/6/2014
For the RG EF

I like how you balance things: you make it clear that Scott doesn't think of Kelsey as just another girl, yet is aware of her feminity, but you don't lay it on thick. You focus on her football prowess, but you also don't turn her into some unrealistic prodigy who outdoes all the guys. I also like the contrast in the past/present sections because the way Scott is portrayed in the past segments really drives home his confusion and trauma in the present segments.
TwisTheTaleTeller chapter 4 . 6/4/2014
Hey! Found this story via RH and your message. I'm glad I did. It's perfect. Flawless with tenses, moving between the present and recollection. When you're present, you're really present. Simple but visual. I like that.

The characters have notably different voices. Hershey is distinct; I can hear him in my ear.

The only thing that bothers me is the gender politics. Pretty much all gender politics in fiction make me uncomfortable, but I have a pet peeve for the "girl who isn't like other girls" trope. I'm kind of interested to see how this dynamic plays out, though. Keep writing and hmu!
Jitterbug Blues chapter 4 . 6/4/2014
Relationship: I really like how Scott still views Kelsey as a friend only. As I keep saying in every chapter, it’s realistic – they’ve grown up together, and it’s only natural to view such a person as your sibling or trusted pal. Very, very rarely do sexual feelings ever evolve in such a situation. So, I think you’re doing a good job adhering to realism here – not that I’m opposed to a romance, just it would seem weird while they are growing up. Besides, I like how you show that their emotionally as well as professionally dependent on each other. Scott looks up to Kelsey, relies on having her there, because she’s the one person who really matters. That’s nice, and I think forms a very strong foundation for a solid relationship that could evolve into romance, but doesn’t have to. At the very least, I think that it’s very obvious that Kyle and Scott need each other, and that’s a great thing. What I also like are little hints of Scott needing to eat Kelsey’s sandwiches, because they’re so much a part of his life. I also like how she’s more important to him than publicity. Again, it just shows how strong their relationship is.

Technique: I really like how you use these flashback scenes to tell the story. It’s fluid and smooth, because you manage to differentiate the scenes quite well from each other, and there are no confusing time jobs. I think the technique works because it allows the readers see how the relationships between Kelsey and Scott developed in the past, while relating it to the present (the first scene). It’s a very good of way of showing change without resorting to a boring narrative that would involve Scott telling stuff.

Writing: I really do like the writing in this chapter. It’s very light and easy to breeze through, because it focuses on the most important things. I think that’s important for such a story, especially since it consists of many small scenes. You do not focus on many sensory details, but when you do they are striking. I like how you had Scott referring to Kelsey as smelly – utterly unromantic, but totally true to their platonic relationship. I also liked how you focus on introspection. It’s never too much, and really helps us understand Scott better. He never rambles too much, and this helps keep the plot move along nicely.

Scene: I liked the scene between Scott and the reporter, because he seemed awkward and modest at both. It just shows what an awesome character Scott is: he does sport, because he loves it, not for the fame. I also like how it demonstrated how much Scott values his teammates and Kelsey; he talks a lot about them, and that shows he’s a great friend. I think it, yet again, shows that he’s doing sports for the right reasons – because he loves it, and wants to be a good captain for his team. I also liked how the scene was written: the dialogue was clear, and you did a good job of re-capturing the atmosphere of an interview. I think you did well, because of how you phrased the questions, and how Scott replied to them.
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