|Reviews for Serious (As a Concussion)|
| The Littlest Mouse chapter 1 . 6/4/2014
This is...okay, I guess. No extremely memorable lines really pop out.
| Lolitroy chapter 1 . 5/22/2014
You really like hockey don't you? Ahh, sorry, I still need to Catch up with Across the Ice. Stupid finals. Anyway, hello from Roadhouse!
I think the idea of the readers knowing as much as Scott is great. It's almost as if I could get into his head and relate to him, even if I haven't gotten a blow to the head. The vagueness in the narration creates a sense of mystery that leaves me wanting answers. What happened? Who is the girl? And whoa, Kelsey's likeable despite appearing so shortly. Sme with Scott, but it may also be since the whole poitn of view was so nicely done.
The vagueness was a tadtoo much, however. There were some parts I was kind of... wondering... if I'd missed something, but then I could more or less catch hold of the situation. Other than that, it was quite a refreshing read!
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 3 . 5/20/2014
Haha, so I did read this, after all, and I'll proceed to share my thoughts XD. So what I like is that you're already hinting at a bit of romantic tension between Kelsey and Scott in this chapter. There's a slight hint of Kelsey liking him, just a bit, when she's asking him if he's going to the dance, and there's also her curiosity as to why he's asking her. Anyhow, I like it because it shows just that Scott might be the one who's clueless (though he is aware of her, just a bit).
I also like how you're showing their familiarity around each other, what with Kelsey always being in the house, or brushing the sister's hair. It shows that they like each other a lot, and also works a nice way of showing their intimacy. I just think it also serves a nice way of giving this story a light and warm mood 33.
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 2 . 5/10/2014
I find it really sad that Kelsey gets discriminated because of her gender. You'd think that, in this day and age, people would never longer have issues with girls playing sports. Or being - you know - actually good at them XD. I just wanted to strike those freshmen, because of their doubts and them thinking that Kelsey did not deserve her spot on the team. It’s just baffling and saddening, but realistic and I do like that you address those issues because of that. But still. It just makes me sad.
Another thing: I like that that Scott sees Kelsey as his best mate only. I like that he’s *not* attracted to her in the high school scene, because that’s what usually happens when people have been friends for so long. You just tend to develop a sibling-like understand of each other, though I’m not saying that attraction can’t happen, it’s just less likely :D (not that I have any sources to back up my claim, it’s all just my opinion and you don’t have to agree :3). But anyhow, I liked that he didn’t see her as anything but Kelsey.
The third scene was interesting, making me more intrigued in the plot, and why he got into this accident in the first place. I wonder why Kelsey is there, and how come Hershey doesn’t know of her. Haha, I just like how you keep moving the plot forward :)
The last scene was cute, because banter between kids is adorable, and I like that they were already so close to each other when they are so little. Haha, yeah that’s all I can say about this scene. Just cute :3
| Lizzy-Lou chapter 2 . 4/28/2014
Good chapter! I'm looking forward to Kelsey and Scott talking in the present!
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 1 . 4/23/2014
Plot: I'm definitely a *fan* of this already, because I like stories that dip into the past, and then tell something in a non-linear fashion, leaving the reader to speculate as to what led to the estrangement between Scott and Kelsey. I like how you set this up, with it starting off in the present and then leading to the backstory of Scott and Kelsey first met: it fleshes the characters out nicely, and leaves enough room for further development. It also makes the reader immediately sympathise with the narrator, as you’re making the plot very relatable and emotional this way.
Writing: I like the present tense focus, because it’s the perfect style for a story that is made up of short scenes and wants the reader to become emotionally invested. So what you’re giving us here is a very immediate sense of being involved and experiencing everything first-hand. I like that. I also like how you writing is very light and well-balanced here, in terms of introspection and details. I didn’t once feel that this chapter was too heavy :3
Character: I like Kelsey so far, because she seems very self-assured and realistic in terms of her goals. I like that she’s very aware of what she can do and what she can’t. I also like Scott because he’s a nice guy, and didn’t immediately reject the idea of playing soccer with a girl. I also like how he wants to stay in the UK because of family and friends – that makes him a very family oriented and warm person :3 You’ve definitely got loveable characters so far.
Relationship: So you’ve already given me sense of how close they used to be in this chapter. I get the idea that they’re great friends who are joined by the passion for soccer. I like how Scott respects Kelsey and her abilities, and I feel sad that they were separated by circumstances. You can feel that he’s missing her in the present. So yes, I'm definitely invested :3
| 870188 chapter 1 . 4/22/2014
Very enjoyable so far, rhetorically and plot-wise. You write realistic fiction so well, there's always a satisfying sense of word flow in each scene, and your psychological or internal descriptions are especially intriguing. Looking forward to reading more.
| Violet Thelaw chapter 1 . 4/21/2014
The beginning is pretty intriguing. I'm sticking for more.
| Lizzy-Lou chapter 1 . 4/21/2014
Their relationship seems very sweet. Looking forward to reading more!
| alltheeagles chapter 1 . 4/21/2014
For the RG EF
I like Kelsey because I tend to like tomboys, or at least girls who are not out and out wimpy-girly. I would like it even better if you made her better at soccer than Scott and that’s why he chose hockey instead. Why does the girl always have to be ‘really good, but not as good as him’? Yes I know guy are physically bigger and stronger etc but just once I'd like to read something where the girl trumps the guy. On the one hand, it’s nice that you don’t flat-out tell us ‘Scott is a hockey player’; on the other hand, by the end of the chapter I’m still not 100% sure that he is (a hockey player). It’s the soccer red herring and ‘shoulders coming at you’ which suggests football. And that is as far as my sports knowledge goes. For improvement, you could do with another check on your punctuation, especially question marks and apostrophes.