|Reviews for Adiemus|
| Nyx Nuit chapter 9 . 1/9
I like this. The concept is interesting and unique; like a combination of Jumper and The Mortal Instruments. You've done a good job of setting up the rules of the universe and its events as well as establishing good character development. You've kept it consistent thus far and have set up a conflict. You've got the imagery down pat and your dialogue is pretty good. Now, I noticed a few mistakes having to do with your grammar, such as your not using commas when there are breaks in a single person's dialogue. Your word choice got a little iffy in some places and there were a few sentences that flat out didn't make sense and I would try going back, reading over once or twice to make sure everything flows and actually sounds right. I understand sometimes the brain gets ahead of our fingers and word vomit ends up in the chapter in some places. My verdict: this would make a good anime.
| Knavethefish chapter 9 . 1/2
The character interaction feels pretty standard. Not bad, but not terribly unique. The setting and Tara's narration are solid and feel real. But, I think your characters may curse just a bit too much, and the frequency with which they curse feels just a bit surreal.
| Knavethefish chapter 1 . 1/2
I was rather put off by the beginning of this story. I saw the T rating and expected a bit less. Perhaps you should make the rating M if you make repeated use of cursing in your dialogue.
Otherwise, this first chapter was enjoyable. I very much liked your use of adjectives.
| JaveHarron chapter 9 . 12/4/2014
You've ended the chapter here on a pretty solid cliffhanger. The possession details seem especially creepy, given the way you described them. The contrast between mental illness and genuine possession is a great contrast for your main characters to encounter. Looking forward to more of this.
| JWT chapter 9 . 9/18/2014
"There's just something about stinky people that tends to spawn more arguments that normal." - That made me giggle.
"I looked at myself in the mirror, the mustard-and-gray..." - Comma splice.
"I've gotten used to it ever since...for the past two years." - Using those two phrases together doesn't sound quite right. Rewording to something like "ever since it became part of my life two years ago" or "since I'd been doing it for the past two years" might sound better.
"girl's bathroom door" - Should be girls' bathroom - the bathroom for all girls.
""I'm fine," He mumbled..."
""Me too." He answered..."
Again you keep using full-stops before the "said"s when you write speech, and also when you have commas you sometimes still have capital letters afterwards.
"Hey, when it was the three of us guys, I'll admit we get a little protective over her." - I'm not entirely sure what you meant (I mean, I get the gist, obviously). Did you mean when all three of the guys are with her they get protective? You might consider rewording this sentance.
Okay, please bare with this next bit of comment because I might not explain what I mean very well:
I think you need to define in your head exactly when this story is being told compared to when the events happened. You are mainly in the past tense, but you do often slip into present tense when talking about what the main characters "are" like. This could be gramatically correct, assuming that they are still alive, so to the narrator they still "are" like that, but you do also use past tense so describe things like that so I'm not sure if you're doing it intentionally. It might be easier (for you and the reader) if you stick to past tense for everything, even if in this fictitious world that Darren's thoughts-which-are-this-story come from the characters are still alive and so still "are" bossy or whatever.
"Any I realize that..." - I think you meant "and" there. Also that should be "realized".
Of course you know your characters better than anyone, but from what we've seen of Darren and his protective nature, it seemed to me a little out of character for him to wake Leo up when he was concerned about him - especially as he told him to get some rest earlier. The scene that followed gave a great insight into the past of the world they live it, but perhaps you might consider putting that conversation in at a different time.
You asked me at the start for comments on pacing, and I think that since the first excorcism the pace has felt slower. I like that your characters have history, and that you've got the distant history of the Reaping and all of that, but since the exorcism scene was quite a dramatic moment for the reader it gives the impression that that moment is the start of the action. Obviously I don't know what's going to happen in the next chapters, but if you have "action" kicking off later you might want to consider bringing that in earlier and distributing these scenes amongst that so that the action:explanation ratio is a bit more even, if that makes sense.
For example, the bathroom scene showed us some cute interaction, but as we have already been introduced to the characters by this point and know how they work as a group it didn't really advance anything. I like a cute scene here and there, but it might sit better if it came directly after some big huge dramatic event.
| Wolf77 chapter 3 . 9/14/2014
Ok, I feel a little stupid. I just realized that last chapter you mentioned that his name was Darren. Sorry, I got excited when there was a Leo and a Gabe! I'll shut up now. Great story! Onto the next chapter!
| Wolf77 chapter 1 . 9/14/2014
This is a great story! How do you even come up with stuff like this!? Anyway, I'm gonna keep reading.
| Solomon07 chapter 2 . 9/10/2014
Hmm...a bit better than the first. But you could change a couple words here and there. One example would be switching the word "beat" with beaten in the third yo last paragraph.
Your descriptions have gotten better, and the dialogue looks and feels natural, and the humor is good.
The Character...I'm not really sure if you added his name, but he's going well. I wonder on how he'll change later on in the story.
| Solomon07 chapter 1 . 9/10/2014
Ah...this story of your's has an interesting concept. Astral Projectors...you've chosen an interesting pair of abilities that could be used for various methods.
Ah...but, from what I've read so far, I see that your putting a bit to much description here and there. What's more, your adding some more words than need be in a couple.
For example...'Was he in for a hell of a surprise,' I thought and had to force down a smirk.
For this one, you could try to border his thoughts within...ah, I forgot what they were called, but you see what I put. You could try and border them and italicize them so you could get more options to work with.
This is a revise...'Was he in a hell of a surprise,' Lips twitching, he had to force down a smirk that was slowly beginning to form.
Another one I've seen is that you've been mostly using and in your sentences. "Yup," I smile a gritty kind of smile and shoved him again.
You could try and change it like this..."Yup," Smiling grittily, I shove him once again.
Other than that, the first person point of view was written like the character was actually voicing out what they were thinking. It was good. But you may want to try and add some personification for effect. To try and grab a feel at how serious the situation is, and not just because of the words.
| JWT chapter 8 . 9/7/2014
Some lovely description, as always.
"...sweep back and forth along a little clear bubble of glass" - I like how you take the time to describe really simple things like that in a thoughtful way.
"Leo mumbled, not because he's trying to be rude, but because he's embarrassed." - Slipped into present tense.
I know I keep pointing it out and you've probably edited since posting these chapters, but again there are the comma/fullstop mistakes when you write speech.
"...layers I'm in top of..." - I think you meant "on top of"
"...purple-and-yellow water colour display he'd left on my hip..." - Ah, that was beautifully put :)
"...today either, I figured if..." - Comma splice.
"few buttons...re-buttoned...it was buttoned..." - Possibly a few too many buttons too close together.
"We both peep over...I scold him..." - Slipped tenses again.
This is an interesting development, the memory searching.
I'm sort of in two minds about the dream sequence, so I'll try and explain both my views in the hope that some outsider opinion might be useful to you.
On the one hand, I enjoyed reading it and I did like the build-up to the reader knowing it was a dream - the strange shifting, then the out-of-place unlikelihood that Brennan would be in the laundromat with them, then it just all going to hell.
However, it is quite a long scene for what the reader gets out of it. We learn a little more about Leo's abilities, but I think you could have done that just as effectively with a much shorter dream sequence. In a way, by the end of this chapter I feel a little like you wrote it to put off moving the plot forward.
Overall I did enjoy reading this chapter, but I don't think it did much to advance the plot or character development when compared to previous chapters and it might feel a bit out-of-place when reading this story as a whole rather than a chapter at a time.
| JWT chapter 7 . 8/27/2014
Marvellous description of the house in the first paragraph.
"...more like necromancy than actual life." - This sentance doesn't sit particularly well. Because "necromancy" is an act and "life" is not, it doesn't read very fluently when you have directly compared them. Perhaps reworking the sentance to make both acts or both not: "...more like necromancy than actually giving life" or "...more like necromantic puppetry than life." Or if you wanted to keep the authentic (because we all know real people don't really always speak properly) nature of speech, using short sentances can be a way of making it read more like speech without the risk of any grammatical errors seeming like a mistake rather than intentioanl choices. For example: "She was trying to bring dead birds back to life." Gabriel shook his head. "Not even that. Necromancy. That's not life."
I'm wondering how much we'll find out about the Rapture. This is one of those stories that could go "Walking Deadish" and never explain, as the plot follows events in the (much)aftermath so it would in no way damage the story if we never find out. But equally, I really want to know more about it. I wonder which way you're going...
"...but there were still a few, but it had been in..." - Perhaps "...and it had been in Gabriel's bloodline..." would be better, to avoid the "but"s so close together.
"We never brought it up to one another..." - Could be an American/English difference, but I would say that "brought up with" is the correct form.
"...and I'm going to throw up..." - Slipped into a different tense.
"...I asked in a sickly voice, my hand had wandered..." - Comma splice.
I noticed a few times the same sort of comma/full stop/capitol letter inconsistancies after speech as I have pointed out before, so do keep an eye on that when you're writing new chapters.
The story of this chapter was bittersweet. The relationship between Darren and Gabe was shown very strongly, and though the backstory of Gabriel's mother was rather dark, Darren's anger on his behalf and closeness to him was very touching. Lovely chapter.
| L. F. Bartley chapter 9 . 8/25/2014
After the last chapter, I'm too disheartened to read this one. So, instead, I'm going to give you some advice based on what I've read in the first eight chapters.
First of all, those eight chapters have to add up to at least 20,000 words. I'm what you would call a patient reader, but you never got to the point of this story during those 20,000 words. I mean, I get it. They're on the run from the church. Church is hunting them, but ultimately, you have to have some sort of a major conflict to make a story. These are just circumstances. I'm sure in the universe you have created there are more astral projectors and I'm sure the church hunts them too. What makes this group different? What makes them special? You need to get to the point in the first five chapters or less. I repeat: GET TO THE POINT. I base that number (five chapters) off of one of the books that inspired me to writing...Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Those first five chapters of HP&TSS were so BORING. I almost quit reading it because it was so boring and that was short book! You need to get the attention of your audience early on or they'll get bored and quit reading. Remember: I got this far because I'm patient and have a good attention span. The majority of your audience will not be patient and they will have relatively short attention spans.
You have a great concept here. However, I personally believe the story would benefit more from it being told from the perspective of one of the projectors rather than the only normal human.
That all being said, I bid you farewell and good luck in your future writings.
| L. F. Bartley chapter 8 . 8/23/2014
Yeah. This is going to need a rewrite. Not just a polishing. That whole part where they were in the laundromat and Darren had that little episode or whatever it was, I couldn't follow it at all. I didn't understand it. You need to be more vivid with what happens there. More detailed.
Another part that doesn't quite make sense to me is where you put those ( ) marks.
Sorry. I followed as much as I could, but I gave up halfway because I couldn't follow it anymore. When you stray into the supernatural, you need to be as descriptive as possible and you need to be as clear as possible. Both of which this chapter was not.
| JWT chapter 5 . 8/23/2014
I'm not sure how I accidentally posted my last review as for chapter 6, because I was commenting on chapter five. So this review is actually for chp.6 and the last was chp.5. Sorry!
I love the boredom at the beginning of the chapter. It proves Darren is somewhate of a veteran in the supernatural business and sets the tone for the reader of what is 'normal' and what isn't in the context of the characters' lives.
"...behind the scenes, Leo made a point..." - I think that comma should be a semi colon.
"We were learning about Governemnt this week and today..."
"...bare bores..." - I think you meant "bones".
I like the way you have slipped in more details about the world they live in - the bible-orientated education, the date - without it seeming forced. The snippets of information you give are not overdone and fit nicely in place with the narration.
"I love how the graphite of my pencil felt..." - "loved"
It's a really tiny, stupid thing to comment on, but I liked that the teacher had a metre stick. It hit me with a silly bit of nostalgia.
"...to face her again, they were excited about the..." - I think that comma should either be a semi colon or full stop.
"...brewing and seemed to be underway." - Sounded a bit clunky. I don't think you really need to say both "brewing" and "underway", because if it is brewing it is not yet quite underway, and if it is underway the brewing period is over. (This is me being really picky, for which I apologise, but if your writing wasn't good everywhere else then I wouldn't notice when one sentance sounded a bit off, so please take it as a compliment :) )
"...I had also ran out..." - This could be an English/American thing, but I would use "ran" for "I ran out" but "run" for "I HAD run out"
""What." Gabriel barked." - Even though he's not really questioning, I think you still need a queston mark there.
"...almost two year ago..." - "years"
This chapter was a wonderful development with the flashback scene that added to our knowledge of Darren and Gabriel's friendship and childhood, and the revelation about their dad. I'm looking forward to finding out more of their history - you have me intrigued about Gabriel's mum now with the mention of her "trying things". Overall, great chapter :)
| L. F. Bartley chapter 7 . 8/22/2014
Again, you need to reread your work. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It needs to be proofread and edited. Some words missing, some grammatical errors, and stuff that could just be worded differently so that the story flows more smoothly.
That being said, I really like where this story is going. In that flashback, you have the chance to hook your readers once and for all if you choose your wording right. You almost did so, but not quite. Make your readers sympathetic to Gabriel. His reaction and his words have to be as authentic as possible.