|Reviews for The Gathering (集会)|
| Bastard From North chapter 14 . 12/22/2014
So the all mighty Erwin has fallen! So, the giant sword
wasn't much of use after all :D
Wait, he wants to kill the magick? There was one in
they're hide out as the axe guy said but why kill him? O.o
I guess I'll find out :D
| SupaSaiyanGamer chapter 15 . 12/21/2014
Well...that all escalated quickly. I feel as if this journey is slowly gonna take away Philip's sanity. I honestly didn't know what to expect. And Erwin is just pure scum, he got what he deserved. Also I'm curious about Alfons and the Raiders. He seems like he'd be a great leader. I'm sure you plan on bringing him back in the future.
| Max Sorrell chapter 14 . 12/18/2014
Interesting fight. This chapter felt really short to me. XD
| SupaSaiyanGamer chapter 13 . 12/14/2014
So the action seems to be reaching it's peak. It's finally time for Erwin and Phillip to face off and I have a feeling I know how it'll turn out. Also we get a peak at some new characters. Considering they're named, I'd imagine they hold some significance to the plot. All in all, this was a good chapter.
| Bastard From North chapter 13 . 12/11/2014
Well, I didn't except that :D
" I don't kill if not necessary "
He would have but made good impression.
Now that is what I call a nice turn :D
I didn't see that one coming XD
And I didn't except Phillip to interview they're
fight O.o Some one tell him the rules :D
Anyways, a really great chapter dude! :)
| Max Sorrell chapter 13 . 12/10/2014
At least they meet! Looking forward to the next chapter!
| Bastard From North chapter 12 . 12/7/2014
Hmmm, I suspect something, fishy with the
sword fighting skill's... What could be behind that? :D
Action! Blood! Death! I like this :3
And finally the Crispin became the bad ass! I wanted to see
him doing some damage :D
This great chapter, love the action scene!
| Max Sorrell chapter 12 . 12/6/2014
Damn! Love the action scenes. O.O
And that scene with Philip at the end... I can see Philip getting extremely mad about being called a Magick. But how could Philip fight so well? Naturally good... That's the biggest lie I've ever heard. XD I think there's something he's not saying. XD
| SupaSaiyanGamer chapter 12 . 12/3/2014
Great chapter with even greater fighting. There are a few things I want to point out. I can see you straining the T for teen rating...and honestly, I love it XD
A scene that suck with me was Crispin absolutely decimating those solders. Erwin vs. Casper and Philip vs Alfons were also pretty good match up. And the ending...just the ending. I can only wonder what's bound to happen next.
| Y. S. Wong chapter 2 . 12/1/2014
Welp, you asked for constructive criticism, so (*w*)
The prologue was all telling. Generally, that's not good. But since it was a prologue and it was relatively short, I'll give it a pass. But generally, avoid dumping info on your readers. I don't know what your experience level is like with writing, but if you're familiar with the phrase "Show, don't tell," this is a time when that maxim applies.
More of a pet peeve of mine, but it's also common enough to be regarded as a rule. Write out your numbers. It just looks more professional that way.
I noticed that you seem to have trouble with tenses. Just remember, if you're writing in past tense, you're telling the story as though EVERYTHING is in the past. Anything that is "current" relative to the storyline is still written in past tense. For example:
- "Oh, Summer?" Philip thought about it a brief second. Summer has had acting been different lately, but he doesn't want to tell anyone about it because of fear that she might get taken away. "She's fine, he lied with a convincing smile, "But I wish I could send her to school for at least a bit."
I see what you're doing here. Summer's (and Philip's) behavior is stuff that is currently true in the story, so you're writing that in present tense. That's wrong. Everything needs to be in past. So it should be:
- Summer had been acting different lately, but he didn't want to tell anyone about it...
Incidentally, since it's also in this little passage, this is a good time to bring up dialogue tagging. You pretty much have the grammar down pat exactly. Except for one small detail.
- "She's fine," he lied with a convincing smile, "But I wish I could send her to school for at least a bit."
If you're gonna break up a quote with a dialogue tag, you can't capitalize the second part. So it should be:
- "She's fine," he lied with a convincing smile, "but I wish I could send her to school for at least a bit."
Or, and I think this would probably be the better choice, you break the dialogue into two separate sentences:
- "She's fine," he lied with a convincing smile. "But I wish I could send her to school for at least a bit."
Mm, plot-wise, you're treading in rather cliche territory so far. Which is not to say you can't make it work, but you need to do more to distinguish your story. We've already seen this set-up time and again now. It's not fair, but it means you've gotta work harder to stand out. In fact, as I was reading your prologue, I was getting vibes of Thundy's story Renegade (which you should look up here on FP), since his story starts with magic in the 2030s as well. The main diff was that the mages won the battle in his story.
Along those same lines, I'm two clicks into your story and things are starting off a bit slow. If I were reading this cold, I would be wondering why I'm reading this. A little more action to start off would help. Conversely, a little more to distinguish your story from all the rest in lieu of action would also help.
Paradoxically, the ending of the last two scenes in this chapter felt really rushed. They didn't have the wham factor you were probably hoping for because you didn't spend enough time building up for them to have that effect. This is also where telling instead of showing can hurt you. I know that Summer is very precious to Philip, because you told me she is. But I don't start to sympathize until you show me how she is precious to him. Showing is what builds rapport with your readers.
To end on a more positive note, I do like the direction you were starting to go in at the end of this chapter. There's a sort of subtextual discriminatory theme here that Philip is implicitly buying into. And then his world gets rocked when his sister gets caught up in it. I like that. It's different from where these sorts of set-ups usually go. So there's one point in your favor for uniqueness. If you can take that and use it to get your story to stand out more, you've definitely got something.
Additionally, your writing in general is solid. There are a few refinements you can make (like the ones I mentioned above), but overall, you have a pretty good grip on storytelling. Pacing wasn't bad either, at least until the end. And you ended on a cliffhanger. Which I approve.
All right, I'm sure I've left you with enough silly thoughts now. You're on the right track, so good luck, and happy writing!
| 360pages chapter 2 . 12/1/2014
Okay, I read the prologue even though I didn't review the chapter. Mostly it was information that could have been better shown throughout the story or told in a more natural way to the reader. You don't need the prologue at all honestly.
As for this chapter, there are a few grammar errors here and there. The idea and the world is good, and the names are actually kind of nice. The idea of Magick has been used before, but I'm interested to see how it turns out.
| SupaSaiyanGamer chapter 11 . 11/30/2014
Great chapter, everything starts coming together now. I can't wait to see this battle between Casper and Erwin. I'm also curious about Crispin. I'm still waiting to learn more.
| Lummie chapter 8 . 11/29/2014
/ This chapter might contain reviews and strange observations. /
EVIL! PURE EVIL... the fact that he's licking his lips in excitement, DOESN'T make it even better. That X-rated scene, though. I had impure thoughts on my mind when I saw that. "I have a desire I need to fulfill, and you're just the only person to do it." What, you're gonna screw with a skeleton?
Oh, it's the Tinkerer. WHAT? That was a bit unexpected. Well, to be continued, I guess.
| Lummie chapter 7 . 11/29/2014
/ This review might contain spoilers and strange observations. /
Oh, Phil. I take it that you haven't drank much alcohol, do you? XD Acting all "sir, yes sir!" to your friend, Casper. I can imagine Phillip just having this anime teardrop coming down his forehead when he said, "You're gonna see the doctor!"
Assets? BWAHAHA. Jesus, that's a nice substitute for boobies. Next time I see a girl walking by, I'm gonna say, "Damn, you got some nice assets. You takin' business?" xD
| Lummie chapter 6 . 11/29/2014
/ This review might contain spoilers and strange observations. /
Erwin, huh? He's almost got everything a villain needs. A loud, dominant voice; servant girls; and what's more, a second in-command! Would be interesting if "he" wants to be in power.
But let's see here. My god, Philip, you are somewhat interesting. Or maybe optimistic, but that's just me. I might have made the wrong impression about him. That Tinkerer... he's so greedy like those damn corporations.
But in any case, just to make some suggestions. I'll just give you one. When you get to a writer's craft class, your teacher might emphasize the importance of detail, and to establish a connection between you and your readers with your descriptive writing.
For example, let's say, Erwin, who is being introduced as a villain. One might ask, what does he look like? You got his facial features, alright. And we got a sword on his back. That's good enough.
Let's say you're a reader (supposedly in high school). Imagine this:
Erwin was an incredibly opposing man of over six feet, with a muscular figure and brawny arms that was concealed behind his silver coated armor with iron shoulder pads. He had a goatee and a mustache that matched his long, dark hair that is barely visible in the little light they had. Sheathed behind his back was a massive longsword that was about the size of his entire body.
In a sense, the description gives you a better idea of what he looks like, and distinguishes him more from the other characters.