|Reviews for The Gathering (集会)|
| Max Sorrell chapter 6 . 10/24/2014
You already know my thoughts Erwin... I must admit though, despite the incredibly horrendous name, he's actually a pretty bad ass character. I want to know where he fits and more about that stone. Especicially with talk of the tinkerer.
| SupaSaiyanGamer chapter 6 . 10/23/2014
So...this Tinkerer seems like a mysterious guy. Considering there's a whole arc named after him, I wonder what kinda role he'll play. Overall, this was a good chapter, with a great ending as well. _
| Bastard From North chapter 6 . 10/23/2014
So the guy called Tinkerer isn't going to be nice one.
But some reason the "bad guys" seems like the "nice" guys :D In the good way :P
Now we have a mystery man with biiig sword, I like it! :D
Big swords are awesome :D
| Bastard From North chapter 5 . 10/20/2014
Underground base huh? :D I bet that would be cool to own :D
I didn't think the guy would be such a nice one, I guess
not all mercenary's are bad it seems :P
Great work, keep going! :)
| BaiYuan chapter 5 . 10/19/2014
This definitely has an interesting story concept. Mutations caused people to develop magical abilities and, out of fear, an oppressive empire grew out of it. That's cool.
My main gripe is that the MC is following a very generic formula right now. A hardworking, ordinary character whose family member has been taken by said oppressive empire. He becomes a fugitive in trying to save said family member. Suddenly he's saved by an old prominent figure of a rebellion.
Will continue to follow the story, but I'm hoping for a plot twist some time soon.
| Nori-san chapter 4 . 10/19/2014
Darn this chapter is really exciting! There were few errors give and take, but I liked how Daichi had introduced himself, though I was expecting him to open up more and at the same time explain of the mercenaries. The encounter with the royal guards could have been much more epic and I would like to give a shot at editing that part...but I'm afraid time is not in my hands. Great job so far! So far, what I gather is that mercenaries were mostly made up of magicks eh?
| Nori-san chapter 3 . 10/18/2014
Short exciting chapter, but I feel that there is definitely more room for improvement. The fight scene is good, I'd give it to you. However, some parts were too unrealistic to a fault. Let's go through this part by part ey?
First up, when Phillip had punched the officer, the thought that came after it - did it belong to Phillip or the officer? I was thrown off at that part. If it belongs to the former, perhaps you could have made it in a new paragraph with italics? (Actually without the italics would be fine as well.) I was surprised that the officer would go down so easily from that punch. He's a third highest ranking right? So he should have at least the intermediate level of self-defense against the kid. But I'll give him the benefit of doubt that it was unexpected the least.
If the officer was sympathetic was wanted to give Phillip a warning, I doubt he would have laughed when dealing with the kid. A life is at stake here! So that part was rather weird. It would have been better to have him more cautious of Phillip's violence and assess the best way to calm him down, that would have scored an extra point on realism. I'm thinking Phillip is just naturally good at guns, or maybe that was pure luck shot. You could have phrased that part better:
[Philip knew that he couldn't just step aside. That would've meant that he had forsaken his sister. Either way, Philip's life would have went changed forever after today. He stared at the Senior officer Oleg, and his eyes caught sight of the metallic arm in his hands.
A thought ran wild in his head.
What if I could disarm him? That way, I could just grab his weapon and make a dash, right? But at the same time, another thought interjected.
But if I missed it, he would just gave a counter-fire and everything would be over. And Summer...!
A shot rang in the air.
Gunpowder blasted off the barrel of the gun and the projectile went straight towards him.
The firearm, which was in Oleg's hand just minutes ago, slid across the pavement and twirled to a halt.
Oleg was dumbfounded. Never in his mind had he thought that somebody who has probably never held a gun in his entire life, opened a perfect shot.]
...something like that? I'm sorry if my reviews came off a tad rude (sometimes it may to some people) but I like to give constructive feedback on works I deem really interesting with potential! I hope it didn't offend you in anyway for me to just take liberty in suggesting such edits. Anyways, I'd just hope that the chapters are longer, exploring more of the character's train of thoughts and feel of the atmosphere.
And the last part felt a bit lackluster. I didn't expect Oleg to go down so easily. I thought that the struggle should have lasted longer, but that's just me.
Great job so far!
| Nori-san chapter 2 . 10/18/2014
Before I forget, I've forgotten to let you in on something. I realised that your title; 収集 is wrong. I'm a chinese so chinese characters found in japanese contexts usually catches my eyes. What your words meant was more of a 'collection'. A more suitable word for gathering would be '集会' (Shūkai); unless the former was what you wanted it to be meant. Hopefully this helps.
Anyways, communism as a theme for your work is what I could see thus far. You have the plot progressing well, neither too hasty or too sluggish. However, may I suggest that you would include more description in between exchanges? This would definitely build up the tension when needed. Such example is like the part where the guards are taking the blood sample. Have Phillip's monologue moment or tense features exude out, or maybe have the guards give some exchange in between them to show a bit of sympathy as the sister is a too young to be a magick and a pity to be executed. This would show more their humane side, unless a more stern and rigid security is what you're looking for.
All in all still a decent read. What I found out from this chapter is that you have the habit to 'tell', and not 'show'. As a writer you must let the readers feel the moment and not just telling it to them. The first few paragraphs are evidence enough. I believe that if you rectify them proper, the story would be a lot more smoother and interesting to read.
| Nori-san chapter 1 . 10/18/2014
Lovely prologue and concept you have brought up. Magic has always been a big debate between communities and writers alike. Honestly, the one you've written has been done before, but what you did brought about was a sense of nostalgia and also freshness with the writing style i've perceived from you. Great job so far, I wonder which direction you would be going with this and I hope I won't be disappointed!
| Max Sorrell chapter 5 . 10/18/2014
Who's the Tinkerer Casper? Why can't I mess with him? *pokes Casper* Huh! Huh! Tell me Casper!
| Max Sorrell chapter 4 . 10/10/2014
I really love the idea of there being people like Daichi that escaped. The line he says to Philip about not believing the propaganda is one that really sticks with me right now. From what you've told me about this story I think I have an idea of where you plan to take it and I must say I approve.
| Bastard From North chapter 4 . 10/10/2014
Daichi can move that fast? :O
Is that the power you can actually get with that mutation thing? :P
No wonder if the guy's wants to get rid of them, they could overpower
their government :D
I am starting to understand the whole idea now :)
Philip seems to notice the world they are living in now, I really
like the way this is going! :)
Keep doing the great work dude!
| Bastard From North chapter 3 . 10/3/2014
So, where are they exactly taking her? Straight to the execution point?
Well, if he would wake up in time maybe he still could save her? Philip, time to get up! :D
Oleg did underestimate his opponent, a guy who works at mine all day is supposedly
strong :P Bad for you Oleg! :D
| Max Sorrell chapter 3 . 10/1/2014
"Would I die here without having accomplished anything at all"... Assuming this is the start of the book and main characters have a habit of being like "I might die" and then living in the next chapter I'm going to say no Philip. XD Somehow I have a feeling you're going to troll us with almost killing Philip off many times. XD Maybe I should start keeping a timer? XD
| JaDeCe chapter 1 . 10/1/2014
Interesting! This surly drew me in! I love the idea of rebelling against the greater cause! Koodos, I'm sold! Now to the story i go! Good job!