|Reviews for Descend|
| Vladvonbounce chapter 3 . 7/10/2014
they were mum on the subject- is this right? what do you mean?
The earth was tremorous as it bled fire and vommited onto the sky- Tremulous and vomited I believe. Great imagery though, dramatic change.
knarled trees and finally reached the cabin door.- gnarled
"The sword? I don't know what you're talking about!" How does one forget a sword? :)
Great descriptions of the demons, original and yet very demonic.
I like the pace of the story, very exciting. Great work.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 2 . 7/10/2014
Intriguing change of pace with this chapter, I wonder how the two will be linked. I am afraid I have never heard of a malpais? or kyphotic before. Perhaps describing what this is could be a good idea.
"It was like a tear in the fabric of the world" Fantastic imagery
"Are you certain?"- This made me laugh and it was believable she might say this.
I like the way Desirat doesn't even understand the word mother.
Dramatic ending! What is going on with this crow? Now I am going to have to read the next chapter to find out what happens :)
| Vladvonbounce chapter 1 . 7/10/2014
From the roadhouse
Great first chapter. Immediately transported to another world but not in a way that is at all confusing so well done. I am not sure if the king's trust in some unknown old man is quite realistic? I do like Gatha though, very humble and kind. I would like to hear something about the personalities of the two girls although I know they are still young. They remind me a bit of the girls from Frozen. I am interested to see where this goes.
| heatherannebooks chapter 1 . 6/11/2014
I really enjoy your writing style. The story also is getting my hooked, can't wait to read the other chapters :) Sorry took me so long, trying to write my own/work/kids, etc LOL but on to chapter 2!
| WaterBudget chapter 1 . 6/9/2014
Hello, I'm here from the Review Game. For the Depth review:
[Opening]: While the beginning lacks a flashy hook, I still liked the fairy-tale feel of it. The mention of how it was a time when the Demon King "still lived in the far-off underworld" made me curious if the Demon King escaped to wreak havoc in the future. And you immediately introduce us to an unconventional protagonist: not a spunky heroine or handsome hero but an old, unambitious alchemist. How refreshing.
[Writing]: I didn’t spot any grammar mistakes, but I would address two main issues related to wordiness.
, you fall into telling rather than showing. A few examples:
"It was like a city" – While it is a simile, I found it vague. You did mention there are thousands of people in the castle. What else makes it like a city?
"These were a different sort of people." - (repetitive considering the last line and doesn’t show the reader much about the nature of Ancerri) Are they people with wings since they flew down from the mountains during the war? I wasn’t too sure about that.
"He had never met the king before." – (the reader can guess that from Gatha's nervousness)
The details about the war is also “telling” but almost necessary. If there was a way to incorporate it more sneakily (like through dialogue), that might be good.
2. You also tend to use "was" and "were" many times. Try to re-arrange sentences to remove some of those. Also, try to avoid using a passive voice (not completely but as much as possible).
i.e. "peace was declared"
REVISED: "the kingdoms declared peace"
If you can cut down on words and use active verbs, it may give your writing a stronger punch (so to speak). However, I did like the fairy-tale-like narration.
[Characters]: It's almost funny how Gatha transforms from a humble alchemist to a father figure. Despite the time skip, I was convinced that Gatha has grown fond of the girls by the end of the chapter. "Little hooded capes..." was such a cute image.
The king seems kind; he wants to protect his daughters (from the Demons, right?) and he even rewards Gatha (with food no less). Meanwhile, the queen remains rather mysterious. I noticed that when Gatha meets her he doesn’t notice anything odd about her (like a pair of wings. Is she Ancerri or not, I wonder? Probably just castle gossip…) Then again, she doesn't touch the food and is beautiful enough to make Gatha take notice...
[Plot]: I think the plot has the potential to be interesting because of three elements:
a)a war with Demons that worries the king
b)the mysterious Ancerri and the queen who may or may not be one
c)Gatha taking care of the king’s children and his growing love for them
With the upcoming conflict, I also wonder what Gatha will have to do in order to keep Annabelle and Aavyn safe.
Overall, it’s a good beginning!
| Jitterbug Blues chapter 1 . 6/9/2014
Writing: The writing is good, I would say: you describe things very clearly and none of your prose is awkward or stilted or over the top. It’s a bit simplistic, but not in a bad way: I find this kind of prose is best suited for a longer story, where you want to keep the plot moving and not bog down the reading process with too many unnecessary shenanigans. I find that the strongest aspects of your prose where the descriptions while Gatha was being led to the castle: you described the castle’s surroundings well, and I could easily envision everything. I also liked the way the text flowed during that particular paragraph. I also like how you handle the narration, even if direct addressing of what the characters is not usually my preferred choice of POV. But I didn’t mind here, because you handled it in a non-awkward manner. What I especially enjoyed about this method was how it made the passage of time seem quite natural.
Plot: I’m not quite sure what the king is up to in this chapter, or why he’s leaving the twins behind under Gartha’s care (he only said a few years, and now it’s suddenly permanent), but I’m intrigued. I’m not sure where this plot is headed, but it promises to be full of conflict, drama and suspense. I’m eager to learn how Gartha’s relationship with the girls will grow and develop; it’s already hinted at that he cares, and that he doesn’t want to let go of them. I’m eager if his love for them will ever interfere with the ‘royal couple’/the biological parents. So, in a nutshell, it’s intriguing so far: this chapter does a good job of introducing the most important aspects of the plot, and making the reader curious to learn more.
Character: I enjoyed Gartha: he’s such a simple man, and has so few demands. Most men would have jumped at such an opportunity and demanded gold, but he just wants pork. I find that cute XD. Really cute :D I also like how he’s not too caring about the twins at first, but quickly develops a fondness and protective attitude. I kind of wish he’d shown it more, but maybe he will do that later.
I liked the king at first, but he seemed condescending toward the ending. I didn’t like how he was impatient when Gartha asked, yet again, why he’d been chosen. I think the king could have been nicer, since – imo – he hadn’t explained things so clearly. I also think he’s a bit …mysterious/dubious. I don’t quite know if I trust him; I think he’s got something up his sleeve.
Opening: I liked the opening of this chapter a lot, actually. You started out with a typical fairy-tale opening, which I think provided a strong incentive for me to continue reading, because it was just such a clear and defining statement. I liked how you fleshed out the opening with introductory sentences on the town and its people; it made me curious about the setting and what it entailed. I think this was a lovely way to make new readers familiarise themselves with the story. I also liked how simply the sentences were crafted in the opening; I think it made the story even more alluring to read – readers can also be sucked into a story with careful phrasing.
| cybersheep chapter 2 . 6/5/2014
Hey there! cybersheep for the RG Depth
Just so you know, I read the first chapter before this one so I'd have a better idea of what was going on
Opening: I actually did not know what to make of the opening. i feel that the pace of it was a nice one for an introduction, but having reached her father's entrance i didnt feel hooked either by des or by the environment she was in. for me the story /really/ started when her father entered with his kaiphotic back and his yelling. it set a very concentrated jump off for tension and it surprised me because i wasn't expecting that kind of rage. also i would never yell at someone looking over a fault for fear they would fall in which leads me to believe that there is something more about it? so this is why im conflicted, i really liked the parts form where her father came in, i recognise the import of the part that came before but i wasn't really into it.
Scene: i think my favorite scene was not a scene so much as when she was describing her brother and the way they communicate. you did a marvelous job bringing out their bond as siblings without actually mentioning it particularly. i also give much kudos to how you've specified that there is a difference between their bond as it is as siblings and their bond as siblings in an isolated territory. people do not often think to make that distinction and i'm very glad you did. it means that man of the rivalries that usually follow sibling relationships will probably be replaced by deep loyalty. they are the only one you have. i can't wait to see what you do with it
Characters: I was actually taken for a turn by Des. Initially i paid her no mind because she sounded like /such/ a teenager (and i cannot stand them at this age), but i was truly bowled over by her gumption in taking her father on like that. Even if she acknolwedges that he can be abusive when he is angered it is as if her natural spirit and curiosity cannot be broken. she will find answers because they need to be found despite her own safety. This totally explains why she has no issue putting her head over the side of a cliff where people have /died/. So well done on that part. Secondly i am intrigued that you've cast her brother as a deaf/mute. You hardly see stories about any kind of disability anywhere so that alone brought me up short. i wanted to see how he would navigate the world. How his thoughts willl be brought out. and how he is goign to function as a romantic lead(?).
spelling/grammar: didn't find a lot to fault with here. but as you can tell, mine isn't the greatest to begin with.
writing style: i think the style got stronger towards the end? i am new to the style of prose you have chosen, so it could be my naivitee, but the beginning felt a bit shaky. whereas later on you really found the rhythm in your words and it was much more enjoyable to read. i think two of your shining descriptions would be that of the father getting tired after he was coughing up a lung and the other description of Cartwright saving her. i really really liked both those parts.
Names: Cartwright seems to be a fairly normal name, but this world seems AU. Is there a reason or am i reading too much into things?
Ending: loved the ending. Down the rabbit hole alice! down the rabbit hole!
Random nibbles: so, i never understood why people let other people think they are siblings when they arent and then expect them to get together. a little hint here or there would /help/ the issue. and like the dad has no excuse. h wants them to be together and yet decided to cockblock it. friendsone? hello brotherzone! and that is the end of my rant. i am interested in the fact cartwright seems to have known he was not her brother - which most likely means that either the father confides more in him or he was older at the time of the move or...he's just very bright.
anyway, this was really cool! thanks for writing!
cybersheep (senatorblitz third)
| Ventracere chapter 1 . 6/4/2014
Funny thing is how I just read a story that started out almost the same exact way. Weird. So. It's a good opening, and it reflects how you are planning on telling your story. It's not exactly the "Once upon a time" - it's something similar, and I like that. Another thing I've noticed is how you include the narrator. It's not too common, but that just reminds us that there is a narrator in this story, and he/she may potentially be another person to watch out. Whether or not this will be an unreliable narrator shall be seen.
So. Gatha is the "lowest ranked and second best" interesting contrast and touch. You cut apart the cliche here a little bit, where the last ranked would be the /best/ so that's a fresh breath. The King is somewhat gracious, and Gatha has a right to be suspicious/afraid, especially with those last words that echo in his mind.
Good start :)
| Krast Bannert chapter 2 . 6/4/2014
Hey, returning your review. I like the idea of this story, and I think it's great, but it's missing something. I honestly can't tell what, but it just doesn't seem to have that "pizzazz". It's a great story, nonetheless. The one part I have a problem with is the first few sentences. Those just seem...routine, I guess you could say.